I didn't have a childhood as my mom was an alcoholic, manipulative, verbally abusive woman, my sister was bipolar, and my dad left very early. I was either told to take care of my sister (who was treated as a beautiful 'golden child', despite the frequent jail/rehab/psych ward stays) or I had to scrape my mom off the floor.
My sister committed suicide 6 years ago on 4/25. I was still somewhat expected to make sure 'everything is okay' beforehand. No parent stepped in to check on me with Stage 4 Cervical Cancer (survivor) or supported me in a divorce. Suck it up, be the strong one.
Mom is in an ALF, but I am all that is in the family. I am chauffeur, bill payer, recipient of all guilt-laden comments, chore-runner... you know the drill. I'm so burned out. My teaching career and daughter-duties leave me with nothing left.
I find myself having internal (and not so internal) dialogues with some higher being- a tree, God, a bagel, anything- to please just take her... I'm 51, I can see retirement from teaching, and I have a good relationship with a wonderful man, but all I see is being in this Groundhog Day sort of trap.
I know how terrible it sounds. I feel guilty.
I’m checking into aggressive memory care facilities. It’s too much to try and keep him at home. I can’t imagine if I had to work. I have a wonderful husband who, when we got married didn’t want me to have to work anymore. Working for trial attorneys, major stressful job, he didn’t have to tell me twice! I quit. Which God always makes a way, because I would never be able to do this if I worked.
i cannot imagine the stress you’re under and especially being a teacher. That’s not an easy job these days either!
I am the same age as you and deal with my father who I placed in a nursing home two months ago. We did not have a good relationship and I have the same dialogues as you. My brother lives out of state and checked out when he did that years ago so I am alone, except for the support of my husband (who has his own mother's care to deal with). I wish they would both die, they are both very old and have outlived any quality of life. Then I could move to a tiny lake house, and work from home until my retirement in 3.5 years, work on myself and my marriage and get out of this Groundhog Day trap that you refer to. I am learning not to feel guilty, but to feel grief, as I'm sure others will advise. But even then, the pervasive sadness and limbo are not relieved by that mindset either.
I suppose we must bloom where we are planted. I am trying and I wish peace for you as well.
My father, 90, is being caregiven by my mother, 86. Per my mom, we all know what their plan is, which is that he or they go into a home when dementia or double incontinence shows up. If they are interim aides, they will get them. There is no sentimentality around it, no wheedling. They gave us all Ivy League educations, including me, the dumbest of the bunch, and they are not clawing that back.
My Ils are the entire opposite. They infringe on us constantly even though they have 247. I feel entirely different about them. I love it how they’re always promising the pot of gold at the end. She’s only in her 70s. No dementia. Total milk of Medicare situation while they continue to blow it out for really no gain.
"Only you can decide if you want to continue this way, & which is the better deal: Helping but feeling trapped VS free but feeling regrets."
I am in the similar situation. My mother has mental illness and was abusive during my childhood. Both her and my father wanted her home for her "last days". I was against it, seeing as I take care of everything as it is, bills, house repairs, etc.; I was overruled by siblings with big fantasy ideals, and limited physical help. Doctor told us could be 3 weeks...well, now we have passed the 4 month period. I was spending 24 hours there, with limited sleep every other day. Now have hired caregivers and am backing out of the night shifts. Yes, we have had caregivers issues, but what happens happens when I am not there. It is Mom's life, not mine.
I am a firm believer in Freeing myself from this with NO REGRETS! I need to save and enjoy my life. Once I decided to free myself I am not feeling such resentment towards her or my father for "wanting her home"; He is unable to provide any physical care for Mom. Life, make the best of it!
Balance and the strength of God are my salvation.
My mom has been a royal pain in my a**, soul sucking vampire for most of my life. I still love and care for her but it's been rough. My brother cut her off so it's just me. However, the best advice my brother gave me is, "this is bigger then us, let's get her into the system and get as many social services in place. "
This has saved me. I communicate with people who are working with her. It would be madness if I was managing her. I also pay her bills, provide food delivery, manage her rides but I can manage those things. It's her and her tirades (and draining personality) I can not manage.
"Death is not a punishment." I attended a funeral where the minister kept repeating this line. It stuck with me. Life can often be a greater punishment. My mom's quality of life is not great. Give yourself a hug and figure out a way to do less for her. You're well being is more important.
Drop the guilt and set down some hard boundaries with mom; decide what you will and will not do that won't leave you feeling so burned out that you're wishing she'd be gone from your life permanently. Fix what's broken, to the best of your ability, and leave the rest behind. If that means you take a month break from the woman, do it. Whatever it takes.
Good luck!
You talk about retirement from teaching. Is that what your timeframe is? Do you want to spend your time from now until then doing the same thing you are doing now? I suspect not.
Since your Mom is in an ALF, you are almost to "freedom". My ALF wanted me to turn over her care completely to them. They had forms for me to sign to change her PCP. They had forms for me to sign authorizing them to take her to the hospital when it was deemed necessary. I could have spent some dollar amount a month and they would buy all her supplies. I could sign up for automatic medication delivery. Even after I said no to the above, after my Mom went in, they still suggested that I sign up for the services. It really is easier for them if they don't have to ask me to take her to the doctor, or refill her meds, etc.
If your ALF can't provide these things, start the research now to look for an ALF that can provide complete care for her. Bite the bullet and move her there. Then when you feel like you want to walk away, just notify the ALF and do it. Your parent doesn't have to be dead for you to hand over these responsibilities.
Assuming that money is not an issue......Just thoughts....
"I am chauffeur, bill payer, recipient of all guilt-laden comments, chore-runner... you know the drill".
Yes.
This is my standard question for those I meet in your situation: What if you couldn't do it?
What if you broke both ankles & couldn't chauffeur? Had Covid brain-fog & couldn't pay bills? I dunno.. went with your SO to live in Europe, forever?
Mom would find alternatives, right? Catch a taxi? Get more delivered? Obtain a paid agency caregiver to be her 'runner'?
Remeber Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz? In the end she didn't really need the bad witch to die to be released from Oz. She just needed to WANT to go home & then click her heels.
I'm thinking here.. if you do WANT to quit & gave notice.. what would happen?
Some people weigh up the 'care burden' & decide, afterall, they DO wish to stay 'in service'. As it makes them feel useful & dutiful, despite the burden.
Only you can decide if you want to continue this way, & which is the better deal: Helping but feeling trapped VS free but feeling regrets.
Maybe a compromise.. finding the right balance for you eg less helping, more freedom. What would that look like?
You don't sound awful to me, it sounds like you're having a completely appropriate reaction to the situation you find yourself in. Look into learning about boundaries (there's a great book with that title) and step back from doing so much of her care. If she can't hack it in AL then it's a NH for her where they can take care of the things she can't. You can choose to do only hands off care like paying bills, or you can do even less. Good luck and best wishes.
This is an ongoing thread. Lots of answers here.