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My mother looks forward to our daily visits and cherishes me as a friend. One of the times in the past year that I told her I was her daughter and showed her pictures, etc., resulted in her being very angry and accusing me of wanting something from her (she has no assets) and thinking I was accusing her of having a child outside of wedlock. Another time, she cried and thought that she had abandoned me when I was a baby. Sometimes she talks about her daughter (me) and marvels at how much we have in common and wonders what she could have done to cause her daughter (me) to never visit.

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Imho, you go with the statement "My mother looks forward to our daily visits." Do not attempt to put her through the torture of picture time as her brain is broken. Enjoy your mother and daughter visits.
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My daddy no longer knows I’m his “favorite daughter” . It’s our inside joke because I’m the only child. This past summer was wonderful. He knew me as his protector and sweetheart. Almost everyday He would drive up and sit on the porch for a couple of hours or minutes to just talk and enjoy the view from our porch. In late fall, he drastically went down hill. I was appointed guardian. Social worker stated he needed to be in a memory care unit. Due to his violent behavior the facility said he needed to go to a geriatric unit. I went for a visit on his birthday. He told me if I didn’t get him out of there by the night that he would hate me forever. Since then due to facility lack of care, activities, etc I made the decision to move him to another facility that was more advanced. He tells everyone that I’m no good that I’m trying to get him committed. He says he doesn’t have a daughter. He doesn’t know what I’m trying to pull but he doesn’t have any children. I have cried more times than I care to count. I’m not sure if he’s saying those words in spite due to I’m his guardian and decisions that I’ve had to make for his best interest OR if he truly thinks that he has no children. Thank you for posting this because I’m crushed and hurt as well. Trying to find ways, tools, helps, anything to mend the fence between my daddy and me “daddy’s girl”.
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disgustedtoo Mar 2021
If his "stolen" memories have gone far enough back, then he doesn't, in his mind, have a daughter. He isn't doing it to hurt you, it's what he believes is the truth.

If/when you visit, don't try to push the daughter idea - he isn't going to remember it and it could be triggering some of his anger. Try to become his friend. Bring him little gifts or treats, things he used to like. Ask lots of questions about him - these might help pinpoint "where" in life he is. Where does he live? Where does he go to school? Who are other members in his family?

Don't argue about the facility, even if he brings it up. Maintain the doctors have decided he needs some help to "get better", so they've moved him to this place. Keep telling him that you are just a friend, someone who wants to make sure he has what he needs, and that he has a friend to keep him company. If he becomes agitated about other things or issues, try to change the subject or redirect his focus to something else, perhaps a snack or an activity he likes.

Have they tried any medication to take the edge off his agitation and/or anger? Does his upset happen any time during the day, or only certain times (usually late after-noon, but it can happen anytime.) If it is only during specific times, work around that when possible, such as visiting in the morning.
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always meet her where her mind is. "I am your daughter you have loved for...." You can use that with any statement. It is amazing how our brain holds everything. Keep everything posative in reply to anything negative. Use that in every reply to the above. It is torture to relate to your mother like a stranger and hear all that old stuff over and over. She may not know you at times but you know her. You cannot end a list of the posative stuff.
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That is heart wrenching. My time is coming.
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Perhaps it’s a bit off topic, but I was really struck by ACaringDaughter’s comment “Sometimes it feels empty being the sole keeper of the memories”. That’s such a big part of grief as you lose the people you love, whichever way you lose them. I'll remember that way to phrase it, so thank you.
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Show her pictures of you when you were younger; she will probably recognize you then. Start by showing her a picture of you from 5 years ago; if she does not recognize you, go back another 5 years. Continue this process until she recognizes you. This will also tell you where she cognitively. If she recognizes you in a picture where you are a teenager, you will know how far back she has declined and can have conversations from that period of her life.
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disgustedtoo Mar 2021
There are sometimes ways to figure out "where" in life they are currently living. It may take a little effort, but if you can poke around with old memories, you'll likely be able to figure it out! Knowing can sometimes make interactions a little easier, since you know "when" the current reality is and can focus on topics and memories from that time.

Nine months after moving to MC, mom forgot her condo of 25 years and was focused on their previous home AND her mother (gone 40+ years at that time.) She more or less stayed at that level. Quite some time later, probably year 2.5-3, she asked about one of her sisters. As others have said, try not to upset them by saying the person asked about has passed. Mom was the only one left on both sides of the family! When I said I hadn't seen her in a while (the truth really, but for reasons mom wouldn't understand or accept), mom stated that she's probably "tied up with THAT baby."

That clinched it. THAT baby would be my cousin's second child, born fully disabled with some form of MD (first born son was determined to have it as well, too late to skip the second child, but he wasn't quite as disabled.) Anyway, mom's sister, my aunt, would help my cousin care for the kids (cousin's husband died relatively young, AND this condition impacted her as well, but later in life.) That "baby" would have been about 40 yo at that time, so mom was still living in that time frame.

Good news for me is that I would have been an adult in that time period, so she still knew who I was, even though I wouldn't look quite so young...
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You should listen to a This American Life episode Rainy Days and Mondys: https://www.thisamericanlife.org/532/magic-words. It could be a tremendous help to you.
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She does not remember you at your current age. She remembers you as a much younger person. Don't stress over it. Send letters and "call" her on the phone as yourself. Talk to her about her "daughter" when you are with her.
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I'm sorry, emmysfriend. There is no way. Trying to convince your mom that you are her daughter will only alarm and confuse her. When you visit your mom, leave reality behind and enter her world. When she goes off on wild fancies, soothe her. When she says "her daughter" doesn't visit, redirect and distract.

Dementia is cruel to all concerned. If your visits become too distressing, either for yourself or your mom, reduce them. You are a wonderful, loving daughter.
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You can’t reason with dementia, the brain has stopped functioning normally. Those memories are gone and no amount of reminders will bring them back. So cherish your memories of your mother, and accept that this is her new reality. Continue to spend time with her, take care of her, and just go with the flow. If she thinks you are a friend instead of her daughter that doesn’t erase all those years you had together.
My mother called me by her sister's name, she knew I was someone special to her and that was important to both of us. When asked about her parents and deceased family I would tell her what she could accept - they were out of town, or would visit another day. What good would it do to tell her repeatedly that they were dead? Let her live in the world her mind had created.
Im so sorry you are seeing your mother slip away, but don’t distress the two of you by trying to force her into a reality that no longer exists for her.
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Sch a hard time seeing this happen in my life, I can relate. however, their memory isn't going to come back. Accept the time you have with mom. You know the truth, know that it is the illness that is talking and respectfully accept. It is very hard, but, you know you are there for her and while she may not recognize you, somewhere buried inside her she knows she is not alone. Go along with her, don't create an issue as this can also turn ugly. I saw a friend of mine who's dad was in similar circumstances with dementia and he turned angry and the one time he had a spark of memory, turned into a living nightmare as from that point on all that the dad remembered was the arguement and everytime the son visited he was asked to leave as it agitated the dad and he was never able to visit again.
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Nope. My Mom has been living with me full time for the past three years. I have been to her a sister, friend, and the very nice lady that takes care of her. I know she is my Mom but I don't push telling her I her daughter because she will be more confused and can get agitated. So , I prefer that we are the best of friends and that is OK with the both of us.
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So sorry for you. My mom is the same. She calls me by one of her brother’s name probably because it begins with a “b”. But she recognizes my voice when I walk in the room. I hate this disease and pray that someday, a cure will be found.
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I would just say her daughter visits all the time but her illness makes her forget.

You can not convince someone you are someone if they don't believe you.

Just visit as a friend and reminise and make new memories for yourself.
All you can do is show pictures from birth to the last memory she has of you.

Keep visiting and be happy she remembers you as a friend.
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Frances73 Mar 2021
Old pictures are helpful too. My mother couldn’t reconcile the white haired man my brother has become with the little blonde boy he was. We would show her old family photos and she would recognize everyone.
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One thing that I know for certain. You have to get beyond needing to be recognized as the daughter.

I learned at 10 years old that you can only worry about the loved one being happy to see you, regardless of who they think you are. Them feeling your love towards them and them being happy that you are there is as good as it gets with dementia.
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Forcing memories and forcing beliefs, in my experience with my mom, only leads to a conflict, confusion, and stress. It's a rock bottom place for two people to be at. Accepting that one's parent may not remember things, including them, is difficult, but far more truthful and real. It's a struggle. And it's challenging. Sounds like you put in a bit of time and work for your mom and she is not able to recognize it. You're going to have to remind yourself about all the good you are doing, whether or not it is noticed or appreciated by her. Caring for an elder with dementia is a special and very self-less opportunity.
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Why do you want to convince your poor Mom of something that she now, in her dementia, finds distressing and disturbing? At end of life I became more a friend that a daughter to my Mom. I took to calling her Francie, rather than Mom and she loved it. Please accept this. I understand how very difficult it is to have this loss of a person you love while they still sit before you, but that is what dementia is. That is what it does. And it cannot be changed. Don't take any pictures that distress your Mom. This happens to many people and happens indeed to wives whose husbands have found a "new love" in care places and introduce the visiting wife as "my friend". I am sorry for your pain, with all my heart, but this is something now not to cause your Mom distress over.
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My mother most of the time thinks I am one of her sisters. She used to get mad if I said I was her daughter and would say "are you a twin?" ...with kind of an attitude. This was early on and I would just sob. I just did not know how to handle it. One day she told me she had "grown" to love me. Those words have been a comfort to me ever since she said them and I am at peace with her not knowing I'm her daughter. She does seem to know I am family and knows I love her by taking good care of her. Sending prayers and (((hugs))) This is very upsetting and hard to have to deal with.
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I keep going back to that first sentence you wrote, “My mother looks forward to our daily visits and cherishes me as a friend.”

That sentence is beautiful.

It may seem like little consolation when your mom is mentally declining, but you are SO lucky.

You are lucky that your mom has positive feelings toward you. You are lucky that you can visit her daily. You are lucky to be friends. Dementia and Covid have robbed so many of these gifts.

I know it hurts that she doesn’t recall your important role and relationship. It would be comforting if you could talk about the past. Sometimes it feels empty being the sole keeper of the memories.

Try your best to focus on the now. Try your best to keep the conversations positive and light - to avoid stifling or confusing her through correction. Criticism can be silencing. Let your visits bring her happiness and warmth, leave her feeling secure and as competent as possible. She will end her day a little more emotionally comfortable.

What about your emotional health? Allow yourself to be sad. Try to express your feelings of sadness and anger at times when you are not with her.

Don’t forget to take good care of yourself. Spend time with others in your life that you can discuss the past with. Revive relationships with old friends and family members you haven’t seen. Treat yourself when you are feeling sad. This is not easy.

Love her for who she is right now. Forgive her for forgetting.
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Harpcat Mar 2021
This is an excellent answer!!!
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Don't even try to convince her. Right now, my husband thinks I'm the maid. I tried a couple times to tell him I'm his wife, but he just laughs. His caregiver told him I'm his wife and that we've been married for 40 years and he said he didn't believe it. A couple of times he's called me by his high school girlfriends name. I know it's just his broken brain so it doesn't upset me that he doesn't know who I am sometimes, but it does hurt my heart that this f*ing disease is destroying a wonderful man
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My mom thinks she's in high school, her twenties, or her nineties (but feels like 20). She knows she has a son and a daughter, but I'm not totally sure she evens knows what that means. She kind of recognizes my name, I think, but I don't know if after latest health issue she recognizes ME. The only thing she's 100% certain of is that she's married to her high school boyfriend -- except he's imaginary.

I just take what I can from our interactions and don't worry about the details. She's still my mama deep down inside.
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Frances73 Mar 2021
I used to find Mom's fantasies pretty funny. Especially the one about the staff making a movie down the hall starring her older sister.
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Three weeks in a row now I have had to explain to my mother who her children were. She’s puzzled about old photos of us on the wall, and asks. She’s increasingly unclear about how many children and grandchildren she has, and who we are. She’s at the point where she knows she should know, but still doesn’t really.

The best thing I have ever heard for how to deal with this came from a cousin who lost a parent to Alzheimer's:

“She may not know who I am, but I know who she is.” Love remembers.
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Hi Sorry to hear about your mom. I have the same problem with my mom. I have been told to ignore the fact that she doesnt know who you are, its the visit that counts,she wont remember who you are by the next visit so why stress her and you out. its so hard, I understand and wish you the very best!! Good Luck
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Not remembering family or friends is not only a common dementia symptom, but it's also heartbreaking for the family. Try as you might, your mom will not remember you as her daughter. Sadly, you will have to let it go. You say she enjoys your visits and likes you, that's something to celebrate. It's important to realize that her not remembering you doesn't mean you weren't or aren't close. It doesn't reflect on your relationship at all.

Your claiming to be her daughter upsets her so don't. Merely say “Hi mom, I'm Emily, how are you today?”. So why should you even visit if she doesn't recognize you? Because she enjoys your visits, your presence is comforting to her, your relationship will always exist, and you love her. I think she may also understand that this person who visits, you, loves her. If she talks about her daughter (you), ask her to tell you more- reminisce.
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Unfortunately this happens most of the time with LO who have dementia. As my mother's disease progressed I was everyone except for her daughter. I was usually one of the following: A classmate, worked with her or I was her friend. If I asked her if she had children she would say yes and tell me her daughter's name but the person standing before her (me) wasn't her daughter. I even told the staff at her memory care facility not to correct her, because she would become argumentative and it wasn't worth it. I finally adjusted to her reality and decided that each of the people that she thought I was made her happy for the moment. I know this isn't an easy pill to swallow but Alzheimer's / Dementia is a beast and you have to find a way to roll with the punches and sometimes the punches are below the belt. I don't wish this disease on anyone. Wishing you peace
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Brenda132 Mar 2021
This made me cry. Its my new normal and very hard to adapt to this new reality but I agree with everything you said.
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This problem comes up regularly, and there is no ‘real’ solution, only what can make you and your mother feel a bit better. One method I’ve read is to say that you are a friend of her daughter who can’t come to visit but likes to hear from you and sends her love to mother. You'll have eto think of a reason why she can't come (perhaps until next week, which of course gets forgotten). Fitting into that is to get a conversation going about her daughter (you) and things that happened when she was a child. You are in a great position to have a lot of information about that! And you can have heard from your imaginary friend (you) about incidents to get the conversation going. It’s sad, but it can be enjoyable for your mother. It can also reassure you about her love for you, that stays fresh even though she can’t recognise you as the person she still loves. Best wishes, Margaret
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disgustedtoo Mar 2021
As much as it might hurt to not be recognized as her child, it's best to avoid trying to convince her. She is beyond capability to remember any of that, and since it angers her, it should be avoided.

Their self-image changes as well. Looking at a pic staff had taken of her, me and my daughter together, she asked who those "girls" were and then pointing to her own image, asked if that was Nana, aka her own mother (9 months after moving to MC, she started asking about and for her mother, gone 40+ years before!)

Up until the end, my mother still knew who I was. Although she was living her life from 40+ years ago (it was other discussions, not just her mother, that enabled me to know "when" she was living!), I would have been an adult at that time, albeit a bit younger. Even with the lockdown, she still knew who I was. A staff member took a pic when I was delivering supplies and showed it to mom. She asked why I didn't come in, didn't I want to see her? That was heartbreaking. Be happy that you CAN visit and that she cherishes your visits!

You can, as Margaret suggested, try making excuses for your "friend", mom's daughter, and ask about specific fun times/things you remember from long ago. You can say her daughter told you about these incidents and had fun talking about it, but you wanted to hear mom's side of the story!

The good news is that you KNOW your mom loves you, since she wants so bad to see you! Live vicariously through the "friend" that you have become.
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You are not going to convince her. She may remember you asva younger person and you are now older. As the Dementia progresses she will go back in time. She will forget she was married. Had children. I really think my Mom thought I was her Mother who died at 43. Pictures may upset her because she does not remember that time. TV and dreams will become part of her reality.
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