My husband has Alz. and he is very attached to me, and I wondering how he will be affected if I am gone for a period of time. He does have some memory and he asks how long will I be gone, when I do run out for a errand, and is satisfied if I give him a time, but I'm usually back within two hours. But when I check in on my return, he asks "have you been here all along"? I just need to know how and what to tell him to help make the absence not so bad. I have not left him for a long period of time, but I am feeling a need to have some reprieve from 5 yrs of caring for him. He has a daughter, but she cannot find time to help, and when she says she will, something comes up last minute. I need a definite commitment of time, so I turned to the Memory Care facility, where I know he will be safe and cared for. He can do things for himself with help, but is needing more and more guidance. Any suggestions will be appreciated. I love this site, it has helped me deal with issues many times.
Tell him ur taking him to a nice hotel where he will stay a few days.
I had a vacation planned. I would be gone an extended time, 3 weeks. I had not had a vacation in 6 years!
I had all sorts of fears.
Would he "remember" me when I got back?
Would he be so institutionalized by the time I got back that I would not be able to bring him home.
What would happen if he got sick, or worse, died while I was gone..?
And a half a dozen other fears that ran through my head.....
I set it up that my Sister would be the contact if anything went wrong she was authorized to handle it.
I did get a call from my Brother in Law. The facility doctor had diagnosed my Husband with an infection and they wanted authorization to treat it.
I got back to my Brother in Law and said of course treat it. (this should not even have been a call he had to make but anyway...)
I got back home.
My Husband went and sat in his recliner as soon as he got inside.
He was just as at home as ever. I never had to worry..
Oh, the infection....
I got the bill later...ATHLETES FOOT! and the prescription was the exact same stuff that I had for him at home only the stuff from the facility pharmacy cost at least 10 times what the normal prescription cost is.
Take care of yourself.
He will be fine.
He will be cared for
He will be safe.
An Alz/dementia patient lives primarily in his MIND. So no matter where your husband is living physically, mentally, he'll be in a different place ANYWAY. It won't matter to him if you're 100 feet away or 1000 miles away, as evidenced by him asking you if 'you've been there all along' when you're gone for a few hours. Keep that in mind when you leave for respite which you need to do!
He may like MC so much that you'll feel comfortable to place him there permanently after you return.
Best of luck!
You didn’t say how long you would be gone, but I doubt he will forget you or be “institutionalized” in a few days or couple of weeks. Maybe if you write him a note that you’ll be back on “whatever date” and leave it with him, or ask a nurse to give it to him, that will give him a daily reminder. Or maybe a calendar with your return date marked and he can count down the days. You may ask the facility again what may help him.
I agree with another response, I’m sure when you both get back home, it’ll be as if neither of you ever left.
Most important, really use this time to recharge. That will be very hard if you are too worried about your husband. You need to be ok for both of your sakes.
If you will, please post again when you are back and let us know how you both did. Good luck!
I want to say how much I admire your good sense and constructive approach in looking for a solution that doesn't lay any pressure on your stepdaughter and doesn't leave you in limbo either. I expect you'll find your first day off in five years extremely strange and alien! - but by day three you should find you're at least breathing properly and your ears will stop twitching (the sudden absence of calls and questions takes some getting used to).
What plans do you have for your break? :)
He enjoyed meeting new people.
We chose a company with multiple group homes ownership. That gave them flexibility to place him where they had an opening to match my nieces scheduling needs.
Respite Care facilities were actually excellent preparation for when it is time to move into a facility permenantly.
The mother was full-blown Alz.
I had worked with hospice to develop a program to help relax / relieve anxiety of hospice patients, and this woman asked if I would visit her mother in MC during the respite.
Going up on the second or third day, I learned the woman was going every day to see her mother. I was a little surprised. This poor woman was a bundle of nerves.
If you've never done it, you might find there are degrees of respite, as this woman did. Guess you could say any respite is good respite.
After five years, you've certainly earned it, and deserve it. I hope you enjoy it and get those batteries recharged.
check with your local Dept on Seniors and the Aging. There may be some waivers available for respite for primary caregivers. It helped us tremendously with the cost.
good luck, and take the much-needed break.
my Pop is in respite at a Memory Care facility as we speak. I got REALLY lucky to find one right in the Philadelphia suburbs that was just under 300 a day. It is NOT cheap…but neither is his home care agency, and I was drowning dealing with getting legal matters with difficult family members out of the way, and repairs for the reverse mortgage we’re closing soon.
I have done respite with him twice. My boyfriend and I do contribute to the cost, so we tried to keep his contribution about what would be spent on home aides. If you do a Memory Care only, they just can’t take people with certain advanced medical needs, but they are set up much more like a home or assisted living, not a nursing home. His sense of time isn’t great, so it hasn’t been a problem doing a month with a few visits for appointments.
You need it after 5 years. I have extra outside extreme stress factors in the family to deal with (destructive addicts), and I needed it bad after only a year of his care as he descends further into dementia. Memory care only facilities are unfortunately only out of pocket. But I say do it, it’s never been a problem so far and it makes him appreciate the emotional security of being home more…that might sound bad but he also has free range of motion in the facility and is grouped only with people at his stage of function and cognition. If we could afford it, I would place him full-time as soon as he reaches the next phase.
anyway, please do it, you won’t regret it. Arden Courts is the chain I am choosing and all they do is memory care. It’s the furthest thing from a shithole and a lot of the staff have been there for years, and actually care about the difference in treatment and support.
Go see your family you haven't seen in 17 years and have a good time.
Then you go and don't call. Leave instructions with the facility to only call you if there's an emergency.
You need a break and it's time to take one.