I've posted recently about the problems I've had with my husband. He recently underwent coronary artery bypass grafting that failed and was in ICU unconscious for 12 days. He has been moved to the floor but is unable to walk and use his arms/hands correctly. He also has ICU psychosis. He has been spewing hateful things to me and the nurses - things I've heard before. They are recommending a short-term rehab facility. My choices are rehab only or a nursing home that does rehab. I believe he will regain full cognizance - he is just mean as hell! I know my kids will hate me if I make him a ward of the State and place him in a care facility (He has the money to pay for it) but they would be little to no help. What are your experiences in going against your children for this?
Could you get them onto the job of finding an appropriate facility for him? It will at least shut them up for a while! In terms of experience, you aren't going to make your kids happy with the outcome, but after it is in place the aggro is going to drop down. Just make sure that they know about the money, so that the end result isn't going to blow it all up again.
You know your kids will hate you... Why do you think so?
I think you need to have a sit down with the discharge planners and indicate that you will be seeking a rehab unit that will be able to provide long term care as you will no longer be available as his caregiver due to his abuse.
Have you seen a divorce attorney? I think that you probably need to seek out a law firm that includes eldercare, divorce and estate planning specialties.
If he is deemed competent, he won't need to become a ward of the state. If he is not competent, the kids should feel free to step in and direct his care.
Rehab in a NH setting is still paid for by Medicare while he's doing rehab. No decision will need to be made about whether he's going to stay there long term for a bit. But the point is, it IS a place where he could stay if that's the level of care that he needs.
As for all the assets being in his name, well, is that a symptom of a larger marital problem? Did you earn any of that money?
You REALLY need to see a lawyer. Depending upon the amount of assets, if, when divided in half mean that DH is looking at using Medicaid funding down the road, the marital assets need to be divided in such a way as to allow you to continue to live your life. Medicaid does NOT impoverish the community (the one not living in the NH) spouse.
It sounds to me as though these decisions are even more fraught with emotion than they usually are for spouses. Consider seeing a counselor, perhaps?
Why is this THEIR lookout more than yours? Are these YOUR children as well as his, or is this a second marriage and these are stepchildren?
My mom, who was caregiver for my dad with chronic leukemia for 15 long years taught me by word and example that in a caregiving situation, you HAVE to look out for yourself first, otherwise, you are of no use to the sick person.
I know that you hope that his abusive nature mellows. But don't count on it.
As a daughter, I hope you will take yourself out from under the king's thumb. Have you saved any money in cash?
Please listen to what Barb has to say. I agree completely that "you probably need to seek out a law firm that includes eldercare, divorce and estate planning specialties".
I suspect you protected your children from the king's wrath and kept the peace. They will see his true nature if they step up once you leave. And one of two things will happen: they will accept the king's wrath coming down upon them or they will understand why you did what you did and flee to their mother. Maybe some will do the former and others the latter.
What good is it doing you protecting the king at all cost? Do you want better for yourself? Do you believe that you deserve better? As a daughter, I would want better for my mother.
Please follow Barbs advice while he is in the hospital and the NH/rehab. Your kids will turn on you or not, but enough of the meek mild kicking post for this abusive man. That's what sucks so much, they beat you down until you think what they say is true and getting out from under that is scary and hard, they do their jobs well, look how long you believed him. You can do this and you can do it with at least half the marital assets.
Please Katie, don't lay down one more day for this male to walk all over you. Find an attorney today.
Ps. Stop going to the hospital or rehab, he's on his own, no need to be there, he will be taken care of.
He will go to rehab which Medicare pays for 100% first 20 days. 21st to 100-50%. Supplimental may pick up some but may have to pay about $160 a day. Since he has been in the hospital so long he maybe in rehab a while. Since he has children and money, not sure if he can be made ward of the state. And if he could be, I think one of ur children may contest that.
So, while he is in rehab, you consult with a lawyer. Sometimes first visit is free. Even though money is in husbands name, you have been his wife for a number of years. He may need to pay you alimony. Even though my state is a non-alimony state, you can obtain alimony for 3 yrs to get on your feet. Your entitled to part of his pension. Now thats if you divorce.
You have to ask about being a Community spouse. As such, you should be able to stay in the house and have a car. Money will be split so you will not be impoverished. His money will need to be spent down to pay for his care. Refuse to take him home. You cannot care for someone like this. If children protest, tell them they can care for him because you aren't.
Really, there are ways to get on your own. Do u collect SS? There are senior buildings that charge rent on scale. U can find help with utilities. Food stamps, food closets. The only person who can help you is you. Use this time to get your life together.
get advice on how to go forward from here. Get support system going. Get a lawyer. Get all you can and get gone
It is a terrible thing for a person to fear her children's disapproval.
Can you make a choice because it is *right*, and make it without including what Child A B or C will have to say about it? Could you do this with support, perhaps?
Are you scheduled to see an attorney yet?
Good time to start is right now.
You have so many people praying and rooting for you, I hope you feel the strength of it to give you courage. Hugs, go get em girl!
Don't let them push you into a bad situation!
Also, if he is still able to understand and sign his name, contact an attorney to get your wills remade if they are from some time previously, also a health will and directive, and power of attorney for each of you . This will give you the choice of who is to be responsible for your care even if you are unable to advise anyone. Your children should be considered, but chose someone who will carry out your wishes.
If you are needing state assistance for his care, you probably will need to have his name removed from all assets and placed in your name alone since they will be considered assets are will need to be sold to provide for his care. As long as you are living in your home, it is not attached by medicare at least in Iowa.
This is your chance to get away from this man.
You might make your kids mad, but if they're anything like mine, they'll come around. You've probably shielded them from everything nasty over the years, and even if he is mean as can be--he's 'daddy' and they are scared of him being ill.
Is there a problem b/c they think you'll take him for everything he's worth and they'll stand to inherit nothing? Kids of any age can be grasping...sorry if that's the case.
You need to take care of you. Even if it means divorcing a sick man. Sounds like you've suffered enough for one lifetime. You also don't sound like someone who would take more than "deserved".
Get an attorney. Let them handle the ugly stuff. If your kids are angry, well, let them be. Tell them that they can most assuredly take over dad's care. I know when my DH has been 'sick', my kids have occasionally been very critical of me. I would offer to let them come to live my life and take care of their dad if they thought I was so subpar. Not one of them opted to do more than visit him. In fact, one daughter thought he should have been in rehab after a heart attack, he was such a non compliant patient.
You know your kids, we don't. Don't stay in this miserable marriage unless YOU want to.
You don’t have to make any decisions now, but this gives you options. You then keep all of that documentation with a trusted friend or in a different safe deposit box.
You may decide you are staying with him. But if something hits the fan, you have all of the info, etc that you need to take care of business safely (you are doing it while he is away, so you don’t risk his wrath) and effectively (you can go to an attorney prepared and he can’t hide assets). You also have copies of things that are important to you in case he decides he is mad and will burn all of your childhood photos in retribution, lol.
Good luck to you... this is a no fun situation. You are going to have to make choices based on you at this point, even though it is hard. Your kids are going to have to deal with it. They are not the boss of you;)
I'm curious why he didn't go to rehab for at least a bit?
(((((hugs)))))