She doesn’t want to go to AL, but says she wishes to “die at home”. I love my mom. My mother is important to me. I want to help her stay in her accessible home, but I am so burned out! Compassion fatigue, really. She doesn’t seem to get it.
She has become very self-centered and doesn’t seem to care about my needs.
I think she expects me to give up my life for her. Actually, I just saw the last BEST years of my life go to HER and her care. I just turned 70. I just want to rest and have no more demands on me. I want to have peace and quiet. I have not had a life of my own since I came to help her. I have no friends, know no one in her town. I just try to persevere. What’s the matter with me? Few people would do this, I think.
My bro lives in Colorado, and does not call often. My sis lives 5 hrs. away, is busy, and relieves me for 3 days every 4 months. Otherwise, I am here 24/7 with no time away. Mom has grown dependent on me, of course. She doesn’t like it when I get my respites, but she copes. She seldom asks about my own welfare. If I get sick, she pretty much ignores it. What is that? She was never like that before in our earlier days. She was awesome, then! It is difficult to let go of earlier concepts of your mom. I want to help her, but, too much is too much. I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this. I am depressed, anxious, and resentful. I don’t want to live my last years feeling that way.
I know I need to place her. I have a couple of places lined up. It’s mostly that I can’t do it because she doesn’t want to. Her mind is pretty good. She would miss her “things”, so, I think I should wait. I don’t know—what about me?
I have sacrificed so much for her, because I love her. I may have sacrificed too much. I don’t feel very good anymore. I know I won’t live as long as she has, She’s almost 91.
I am looking for an inexpensive home or cheaper rental. None exist. In our area, the inventory is low. I can’t find anything I can afford. Been looking 4 yrs.
I thought maybe if I bought something, at least I’d have a place to go, two days a week while I continue to care for mom. I know I am more fortunate than many who post here.
I would like any comments or IDEAS to help me move forward. I seem to be stuck. Thanks. (I have posted before).
But lots of uncles, aunts, friends parents say say same thing. One aunt is turning 100 and lives in own home, and my cousins tried to get her into AL several times only for her to throw temper tantrums. About seven years ago, they decided she probably didnt have much time so lets work together to allow her to stay home. But that was seven years ago and shes still there
A couple years back they finally laid down the law. If you want to stay at home, we are going to hire tons of outside help to come in here, and we will help out also (she has kids, grown grandkids, etc in the area) but you need to hire outside help
Even though my aunt had the resources, she protested as she was frugal
My cousins told her, we dont care. You either shell out for lots of outside help so you can stay at home, or you are going . We cannot sacrifice our own lives forever because you want to die at home. But at least they didnt live with her as it sounds like you do.
I dont know financial situation, but can you hire outside help to care for her in her home so you can move out and live your own life? For not its not even a question of living a good life, its a matter of living, you are going work yourself to death.
Why is your life less important than hers?
If you die first from stress, what happens to moms "wishes" then?
You move forward by setting appointments up at 3 ALFs and taking tours of each. Then you pick one, sign on the dotted line, and get the ball rolling.
You're not "more fortunate" than many who post here if you're struggling with burn out at 70 years old and still unable to pull the trigger on what needs to happen here.
Make it happen. You'll be doing both of yourselves a favor.
I went through this as a caregiver for my mom. Until we send the message that it is important to us to live our own lives, they will continue to rely upon us for their needs.
My mom lived to be 95. I spent 14 years caring for her in my home. It’s extremely difficult. The more that you give, the more they expect.
Break unhealthy cycles and take your life back.
Thank you so much for your help. You DID help me. K
If you asked any person they would all say that they'd like to die at home, but often times that's just not feasible.
Your mom has had her life, and now it's time for you to enjoy whatever time you have left as well.
You don't list what your moms health issues are that you're having to be with her 24/7, but it's time for her to go into either an assisted living facility or skilled nursing facility, depending on the care required.
If you don't make the necessary changes to move out of moms house (and place her)and start taking care of yourself, you're going to be in the statistic where the caregiver dies before the one they're caring for. Sadly that happens a lot.
So it's now time to put your big girl panties on and tell mom that as much as you love her that you just cannot do this anymore and that she has no choice but to go into some type of care facility.
She will adjust, and the odds are she will even like it, as she will be around other folks her own age and will be kept busy with different activities.
PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP YOUR LIFE FOR YOUR MOMS!!! If your mom was in her right mind she would not want you to do that either. I know you say that her mind is "pretty good" but I'm venturing to guess that there has to be some mental decline or even dementia going on for her to be so self absorbed.
I do hope and pray that the next time you post, it will be about how great you now feel since your mom has been placed in the appropriate facility, and that you're living and enjoying your life once again.
God bless you.
I have never known with my mom “how much is enough”. That’s another issue, but it speaks to why I keep trying so hard to help her, to make her happy, to keep her safe. I also suffer from incredible self-doubt. So, I have trouble discerning how to know/set boundaries, of course. Mom doesn’t seem capable of the kind of mothering that recognizes “unconditional love”. I could be wrong, but, her “conditions” have always been in the background, and she has most always acted in self-serving ways. Not ever having been a mother, I feel great respect for that role, and think women must also care for themselves while in such a demanding endeavor. I also have great respect for those things I don’t
know. Maybe mom was just caring for herself. But the fact that I never learned how to care for MYSELF from mom, rather learned to SERVE her, makes me wonder (I clearly have therapy work to do). More therapy work.
My mom is VERY fortunate to have me. This, I know. But, I must do what you write of-put on the big girl pants, etc. Maybe she’s just waiting for me to cry “UNCLE”, so to speak. I know we have to talk.
Thank you so very much for your thoughts and words. K
It’s best for both of you .
If she was “awesome”, the way you remember her to be , she would not want you to continue the way things are . You need to take care of you. She needs more care than you can provide. Let her have a whole staff to care for her . Place her and you can visit .
i would tell you: “you are important”. Your life and well being are just as crucial as the well being of your mom. While the transition to an ALF may be difficult, the new environment may bring her joy. Put yourself first.
My mom passed 6 months ago. I am just now getting to the point where I am embracing life again. It makes me realize all that I did all of those years and how much I had put my life on hold. I did not do everything perfectly. Mom was not always happy in the ALF but it was the right decision to balance our two lives….enough care for her and relief for me (and my husband).
Be brave.
(she refused to get hearing aids, so, our communication is compromised), she can barely walk to the bathroom, has incontinence. (and has a stubborn personality, but she IS charming!-she is also critical, bossy, and demanding!)
I am having a hard time placing her, simply because I know she doesn’t wish to leave her home. I want out after 6 yrs., but I feel torn about mom. Is there something wrong with me that I put mom first?
You are in a trance. You are on automatic response. Tell sister to come and move her and you will continue to visit her and take care of her business. Or hire someone to take care of you both. DO SOMETHING to break the spell.
Big Hugs
I guess I am reaching the end of it. It’s mom or me. Unfortunately, I have already sacrificed most of me to her needs! I don’t have much of my former self intact anymore! I feel so old. Maybe the therapist will have a cancelation!
Thanks for your reply!
Again, thank you!
Right now, caregiving is not working for you.
Mom's choices depend a great deal upon her finances.
You are going to stop caregiving as of August 1st.
Therefore, mom needs either to replace you with paid caregivers or she needs to go into care.
She needs a professional "needs assessment" that will tell you what level of care she needs (24/7 at home or less; Assisted Living, Memory Care or skilled nursing). You call your local Area Agency on Aging to get that needs assessment. Or her doctor can order one. In any event, you need a professional dispassionate person to tell you what she needs.
What she "wants" is you. But that is no longer an option. Please remember that.
Who has power of attorney? Is mom still competent enough to grant that if she hasn't already?
Once you have the needs assessment, you (or better yet, her doctor) can outline her choices--Facility or in home care (both paid for by her).
Your in-home caregiving is no longer on offer. No matter what sort of manipulation she tries. You tell her that YOUR doctor has told you that it is imperative that you stop doing this.
Please post back if any of this isn't clear.
I give her love, but she doesn’t really return that love any longer, although she says “I love you”. I don’t feel it. It feels manipulative, false, somehow.
I know she has cog. decline; likely dementia. She is such a “showboater” she doesn’t ever want anyone to know…Mom has always cared more about “appearances” than substance. I have always been her minion-I used to adore my mom, but, she no longer IS MY MOM. SHe can be mean and ugly.
I have had lots of good advice on this forum. Why can’t I TAKE it? I hear it, my brain knows it—I tell myself I am waiting for the “right” time. I am. But, I am also putting it off…..
Thank you for your kind response.
As folks get older, their world shrinks and they have this tendency to think less about what other's need. They become quite ego-centric, in the manner of small children.
Except, parents of small children generally know that to obey the whims of a 3 or 4 year old is not a healthy path to take.
My mom developed Mild Cognitive Impairment; we didn't know that. We just knew that all of a sudden, her anxiety was off the charts and only us racing to her side was any sort of solution.
The problem was, we couldn't keep doing that and keep our jobs. We tried in-home caregivers. Didn't work. Mom felt like she had to entertain them.
I finally sat her down and told her "I can't do this anymore. And neither can Brother".
She asked what "this" was. She had no idea, really NO IDEA that driving above the speed limit across all 5 boroughs of NYC to her isolated Westchester home in the middle of the work day, three days running, was in ANY way a "problem" and that I was going to lose my job.
I told her that day that either she moved into a place where help was available or that she would have to make other arrangements for her emergencies. My brother and nearby cousin (who also got frequent calls from her) backed me up.
We moved her a week later.
Sometimes you just have to stand up for yourself. It's not easy.
I also blame myself for (perhaps) some denial. My mom is so good at appearing to be “normal”. I have caught this for years. And I want her to feel that way, as I think if she believes she’s going downhill, then, she WILL. This is so hard. I apppreciate you sharing you info. Thanks, thanks, thanks.
You have spent too much of your time condescending to her wants, time for you to stand up for yourself.
My mother is 98 in AL and she loves it, she does not have dementia. She has made friends her age, enjoys activities and so much more, so can your mother.
Reading everything you appear to be very codependent; therapy might be of assistance to you.
I am so happy to have your response. Thank you!
Do you have POA/HCPOA?
I get really cranky when I read of do-nothing sibs telling another sib that the sib should sacrifice their life to eldercare.
I am curious about your life's circumstances 6+ years ago when you came to live with your mother. You were 65? Did you take early retirement or quit a job to come live with your mother? Why were you the one to do that? Who had the most contact with your mother, and why wasn't AL considered at that time?
Who pays all the bills now? What is your mother's financial situation? Can she afford AL?
I'm trying to get a complete picture of your situation, as it might help me and others to make suggestions.
I will contact sis soon. I want to make sure she is aware of Trust details.
Last fall, mom had terrible arthritic/sciatica pain for a long while. We (she/I explored many treatments. Mom has mobility issues, and we agreed, if she couldn’t make the short walk to the bathroom, we should discuss placement.
In November, sis came to visit, saw how impaired mom was and she and husband (also a doc), recommended placement before Christmas. Not sure what that was based on. Well, I never would have done that to mom, prior to a holiday and I didn’t think hasty decisions by people who were not “living it”
and, also not that in touch that often, we’re appropriate. Now, 7 mo. later, mom is doing much better, has been ambulating more, gone into her studio, and is happy to be here. (Can’t help but wonder if the threat of placement “encouraged” her to cope better?). Who ever knows? She’s just doing better, and is happier.
I, on the other hand, am stuck, aren’t I? What I want is for mom to be happier and more productive, but, then I can’t justify placing her (not that I could). I just don’t know. Maybe I’m crazy. I do agree with another poster: I am co-dependent with my mother. My sibs escaped. I did not.
Thanks so much for your kindness!
Selfcare. Selfcare. Selfcare. You must take time for you.
Learn more about the diagnosis mom receives. It will benefit you.
Thanks for your kind words. I have a lot of work to do.
For whatever reason, she can't.
It's up to you to stand up for yourself at this point in time
You’re 70. You’ve done a lot for her. You deserve to live a full life.
At 91 she probably has at least a little hit of dementia, and part of that can be not caring about anyone else’s feelings, so it may be that she can’t see how her care is killing you.
I support you. You are important. Your life is important. Your physical and mental health is important. Your golden years belong to you.
You need a vacation.
I’m prescribing you a 1-2 week vacation. Just book one and tell everyone you are going. Mom will pout and give you the silent treatment probably, but so what, who cares? She can pay for caregivers.
You need to get out of that house and away from her. She also needs to see how much you do for her and how much she can’t do without you.
You will likely get some clarity once you are away from the situation for a while. It doesn’t have to be a cruise. Priceline a hotel or something. You deserve that.
This is my suggestion.
OP, I’m also prescribing you a little cat.
A full neuropsych workup indicated cognitive impairment to the extent that she should no longer drive, live alone or pay her own bills.
Getting this assessment was key in getting my siblings to understand that mom's fears and anxiety were not something she was bring on herself (something she always told us when we were young and depressed or anxious) but a real condition that had been caused by an undiagnosed stroke.
The fact that mom cannot live alone does not equal "I have to stay".
You need to leave for your own health.
I bought a pre-designed journal called the ‘Hero’s Journal.’ Full caveat, it’s designed like a Harry Potter/Lord of the Rings hybrid so it might not be your cup of tea. What works for me is the simplicity and the way it helps me slowly march towards a goal. Every day you write your goal ( ‘ move out of the house’, or ‘ rebuild my social’ life, or anything! ) three things to do towards that goal - no matter how small , things that might impeded your day’s goals, 3 things you’re grateful for, and things that will help you. It takes 2-5 minutes every morning.
My other caveat is I have ADHD and get overwhelmed with details, so again maybe this method isn’t for everyone. But it’s really broken down some complex goals for me. I’m on my second journal and have really made progress improving my life. My first main goal was honestly to just uplift my self esteem and get out of the overwhelm and grief rut I found myself in after 7 yrs of family decline and management. I’m now in a band , made friends through that, and working towards more art ‘gigs’ . Fyi I’m 52. No quick fix , but this organized journal has really helped me move myself towards concrete and realistic lifestyle changes.
Whatever works for you….good luck and keep us posted!
At this rate, you could die before she does. Then who would take care of mom?
You've done your bit. Now get out of there. Doing so does not make you a bad child. It makes you a child who is not too beaten down to make good choices.
Why doesn't what is best for YOUR health and happiness matter?
You are doing and unpaid job that is causing you to lose our on health and the ability to have peace and companionship. Why can't you say "I don't want to do this anymore" and retire?
It doesn’t end.
You say she has cognitive decline . Primary care doctors miss it all the time . Take her to a neurologist or geriatrician . Describe all that you do for her . My father in law with dementia still fools people . He can talk a good talk , however he is not independent at all . Get the doctor to tell her to go to assisted living .
If your Mom is not independent , then you tell her you can no longer provide as much assistance as she needs and that she needs assisted living .
If she still refuses , you step back and call your local Agency of Aging for a needs assessment. They will send a social worker out to the house . I had to do this for my mother to get her out of her house . The social worker told me to step back and let mother fail at living on her own . It’s the only way sometimes to get them placed in assisted living .
You “ are stuck “ , because you are letting Mom rule . This is not working for you and a change is needed.