Have I chosen the wrong facility? Shall I wait or immediately look for a new one? A very bad day today.

When my mom was in the nursing home for rehab, the most difficult, frustrating and anger inducing thing was the lack of answers when I had questions. It was always, "I'll leave a message for the nurse, doctor, aide, etc. and they'll call you back" which never happened.

A friend's husband is currently in a nursing home for rehab and was going through the same thing. She talked to the Administrator and requested a meeting to find out what the "plan of care" was. She did get some answers (not all) and there has been some improvement in his care.

On the other hand, when I couldn't get an answer when I asked when my mom's recheck appointment was scheduled or if her surgery staples were removed, I filed a complaint with the state, which was investigated and substantiated.

Knowing what I do now, I would have probably requested a meeting first and if no improvement, I would file a complaint.

I am going through the same thing. On November 15th I transferred my almost 95 y o mother to memory care. That was 5 days ago. It has been very problematic because the staff don't know how to use a gait belt to get her to a standing position to walk. I have gone 4 of 6 days and am worried and exhausted.

I am sorry for you I’m going out of my mind caring for my 96 yr old.

When my mother was in a SNF for 10 months before I took her home, there was a resident who died ..My mother was in bathroom with 2 CNAs ..& they kept her in bathroom longer… & Nurses & CNAs rearranged all other residents to either be in dining area or rooms..but all residents were taken out of hallways..so they wouldn’t see them wheel out dead resident with body bag & sheet over his body. I made decision that moment to get my mother out. However, when I spoke to Nurse, she said to me..”Whether it happens there or at home, it’s going to be upsetting..” She happened to be excellent, caring Nurse. So you can visit at different times unexpectedly to check on her. I wouldn’t recommend you take her home again. Talk to nursing supervisor or director. Get to know her CNA. Look around for another place..but give it a chance since it’s an adjustment period for both of you. Good luck & hugs 🤗

I completely understand how you feel. I have two parents, in two different States. I'm juggling the two of them alone, so I get it. I had to move my Father four times, and my Mother twice, and now they're at good facilities. I put a camera in my Mother's room, and she feels more at ease now. I always say, don't look at the price or how nice a facility look. No nursing home is perfect. However, there should be great communication, compassionate care from the aides, lots of activities, good food, and a good nursing team, that's what makes a great facility. Do what you need to do to put your mind at ease. If you feel something's not right, it's not. Both my parents are bedridden, require complete care, and they have some dementia. I know when something's off, because I know my parents. Follow your instincts. Some facilities will make false promises, and excuses when they're continuously falling short, but pay it no mind. If you're feeling uneasy, that's your intuition speaking. If they're not doing the basics like answering the phone, or communicating with you when you have a concern about your mom, that's a huge red flag. The first month, visit or call frequently to check on your mom, if something's wrong then bring it to there attention, if it's not corrected or being addressed, red flag!...keep looking, and move your Mom. When she's in the right place, It will take some of the boulders off your shoulder, and you'll be able to rest your mind. If something happens you KNOW they'll call you, and if you have a concern you KNOW they'll take care of it. It's all about trust. I don't give a fat rat what the facility thinks of me, but when it comes to my parent's wellbeing and my sanity. I will raise hell, give compliments or move them when if it's warranted. So, please do what you have to. All the best to you! It's all trial and error, and don't beat yourself up. It does get better over time.

I know how I would feel if it were my Mother. I would be very concerned. But it would be hard to determine what is real and what your Mon is imagining. Have you read any reviews about that place? That might give you an idea what is going on. Bottom line, if you are worried about your Mom, and she is not getting decent care, find another place. I hope you do not have a contract. Good luck.

Oh dear! You wrote, “Once again I think I will be able to rest only when one of us dies. And I do not care if I am the one.” It’s my same feelings with my ailing mom. Yet, I wake up and take each day, one at a time—not planning for anything further than that day, those moments. This is incredibly hard, but we do our best. I pray that you will have peace during these difficult times with your mom. Peace is what you need in order to handle these huge responsibilities.

You didn't make a mistake on the facility you picked because pretty much all of them are like this including the more high-end expensive ones.
They operate with the secrecy and miscommunication to family members. There's never anyone available who will actually answer a question or explain what happened when there's an incident.
The only way any nursing home will take any family of a resident seriously and not ignore them or blatantly cover up and lie through their own teeth about something, is if family members are always seen. If they are always asking questions and demanding answers. Always take pictures too. Nothing terrifies the administration of a nursing home more than pushy, rude, self-righteous family member who take pictures all the time.
You have to become a force to be reckoned with to these people. If they fear you they will respect you and your mom will get special treatment. It sounds terrible but this what families have to do. I had to when my father was in the nursing home. The place he was in had a top rating in my state for quality which is a joke because the place was a dump. They saw and heard from me all the time or from some of my kin. There were some incident before the big one, and I could see them scrambling with the a$$ covering. They knew either explain to me truthfully, or explain to the lawyer.
Also, get friendly with the aide staff. Not the nursing staff, the aide staff. They are the ones who pretty much do the hands-on work in nursing homes.

Bad news
I went to visit her. I was supposed to see her at 11.30 and as usual I was there at 11.20 to have my greenpass checked and to fill some papers as an aunt came with me.
At 11.45, my mom was not to be seen. I so asked the girl at the reception. This one had just arrived, the one who opened to me, checked the pass etc. was just staring at me... So the just arrived receptionist called the ward to see what was happening: my mum was vomiting and have diarreah this morning. So they would not take her to meet me.
I calmly told them they have a communication problem. If I hadn't asked I would probably still be there waiting.
She offered to organize a video call which I accepted.
At home (I took some hour off from work to be there this morning), I called the social worker of my town to ask what to do to move mom and I then wrote an email to the facility.
I sarcastically said I know my mom is not their only client, but they could have told me when I arrived there would have been no visit instead of staring at me waiting for me to ask...
I am really angry... with them and with myself for having believed their marketing strategy !
I thank you all for the replies, I will try to answer to everyone... but for now I want to let you know that I really appreciate your support.

You might want to visit when the doctor is there and talk with the professionals to see what is going on with her and have a talk about the condition of her thumb and what is being done about it. I don't know why her thumb would get infected. That sounds bad. If nothing seems to improve, then you might want to consider looking for another facility.

Placing a loved one in a care center is not easy. Give yourself permission to take care of yourself. Ask the care center if they have a social worker or patient representative who can help you get the information about your Mother's care. Your Mother has rights and if you are her caregiver you are entitled to her health information.

Your state should have a senior citizen linkage line or senior ombudsman who can help you get answers if the care center doesn't.

She's probably telling the truth about the body being in the next bed for a long time. This happens where I work quite a bit. Mortuaries aren't always fast about picking up especially if the deceased has no family.

Personally I would research other places and compare reviews with the one she's at with those. The place she's at sounds like where I work and I would not want my mother or family member to have to live where I work.

One good source for researching nursing homes is medicare.gov/care-compare. You can research hospitals, doctors, as well. The nursing home reports are very informative because it lists all reports on the facility (abuse, safety, staff ration per patient, quality of care, etc). It's a very accurate source of information that will help you make the right decision for your mom and you.

Dear Anche: My gosh, there should definitely be a nurse on staff to speak with at all times. Pray tell, what if it was a medical emergency? Someone has to be covering/a medical professional per se. It is certainly your decision to move your mother - or not. However, I am concerned about your statement "when one of you dies." Please reach out to a medical specialist in the form of the psychiatrist without fail as you state that you are suffering from depression. You do not have "the whole world on your shoulders," as you have a support system through this wonderful forum, AgingCare.

On a different note (but similar in nature), I recently needed to speak to my neurologist. I called him, only to be told that he was out of town. I advocated for myself by asking who the "covering" physician was. THAT physician returned my phone call in under five minutes' time.

Im not making excuses ... really ... by telling this. Im trying to explain how difficult and disappointing caregiving can be.

i was a nurse aide in a hospital for a number of years and often felt i was not giving good care.

i remember one night going to a patient’s room to take her to the bathroom. When i got done her roommate wanted her turn to go. Sure. Why not. Thats what i was there for.

i came out of the room and lights were on for 3 other rooms. That meant 6 patients who i was sure were all uncomfortable and had to wait.

yes. I got everybody taken care of but felt really bad it took so long to get to each one.

this was nothing unusual ... it just seemed to hit me that night how difficult it is to be a patient.

I'm a little confused as to why she was placed. You mentioned rehab, but it sounds more like a facility. Either way, make a phone call to the director of the place & express your feelings. If she's in rehab they should be having a meeting every so often to describe her progress or lack there of. I would be concerned also if you walk the unit & can't find anyone, but give it 5-10 minutes in case the staff are taking care of patients. If it's a facility, usually they ask the family not to visit in the first week or two until the staff & client get better acclimated. Increased confusion is not unusual as the patient is taken out of their usual home & placed in something unfamiliar. Please give it some time & establish a relationship with staff & the director. You are not at fault & don't bring her home where she may get more confused & you get resentful. 🙏🙏

my heart bleeds for you and I’m going through the exact thing -full of guilt and worry -the facility just won’t communicate properly with me -always too busy -her toenails are neglected and long and she says she never sees a doctor -she’s miserable and I too thought I was paying for the best .I hope we both find some answers on this site .😞

Document everything. I documented events in emails to myself so that I could show the dates that things happened. There are Ombudsmen for your state who you can contact if you feel like the care is poor. I would let the facility know if you are going to contact them because you don’t feel your mother is getting the care she needs. (They are not going to want that, so they may step up and make improvements.)

My Mom’s facility tried to gaslight her and faked documents to make it look like they were providing showers, etc. when they weren’t. I had to 100% keep on top of it.

If you have paid a community fee and want to have it refunded, documentation might help when that time comes. See if there is a social worker who you can talk to. Many facilities provide that.

Everyone says make sure you take care of yourself, but that’s hard. They don’t understand that it is hard to do when you are giving what you feel you need to give to take care of your loved one. But at least, try to do that. Find a way to give yourself breaks, or talk to a counselor.

And rest, knowing that you are doing the very best you can under the circumstances.

Don’t try to take your mother back home.

It may have already been mentioned, but it seems like the whole industry (IL and especially AL and skilled nursing) are understaffed during COVID. The AL place I chose for my parents has a very solid reputation, but it seems like there are staffing concerns there (are there are in many of businesses I see and hear about, including my own workplace!).

I'm not trying to minimize your concerns, but contextualize them.

It helped me to talk to a senior advocate organization to get their sense of how this facility stacks up against the others (as well as to talk to hospice once they began to visit my mother as well, as those nurses have a lot of experience). Some of those organizations are vultures, but we probably lucked out that we were recommended a very good senior advocate org. in the Atlanta area (Atlanta Senior Advocates--basically a placement service). ASA was AMAZING, but again, my sense is that's not the norm.

Frankly, we're also using a really good hospice org. in part to fill in the gaps some in my mom's care (with her approval).

EDIT: Oh, wait, after I wrote I noticed you live in Italy. Not sure how much of this applies then, but I'll leave it in case it's helpful to others as well.

My experience has been bad. I had my dad in 4 facilities. 1st facility they let him roam around with no supervision, crying, they didn't give him enough fluids he was drinking the water from his cpap machine.. 2nd facility he fail, was dehydrated, when I arrived at the facility he was unresponsive, they doubled up on his closapane at night and he fail. 3rd facility dehydrated, staph infection and losing weight, 3rd facility they drugged my dad and he fail 3 times, he also continued to lose weight. I had a social worker say the best place is a memory care facility. Unfortunately, they're so expensive.

Welcome to the world of institutional living. There are never enough workers and they often don't do what they should be doing. It is a fact of life - some are far better than others. You need to visit them and observe and do detective work. As to making complaints to the facilities, I assure you this happens daily with the families stepping up - it can get better. And each county has an Ombudsman who steps in for the state to check on complaints and fix things. Call your office on aging in your country for help. And as to bringing them home, don't do it unless you want your life destroyed. They lived their lives, and you must live yours now while you still can. The burdens and behaviors and needs will destroy many families. Don't do it. Find ways to check out different home and then make the move.

I had a similar experience when I placed my sister in one of the "best" memory home facilities - all cash, no Medicaid. I was involved at least 4x a week - on the phone with the RN manager, visiting the facility, etc. This placement lasted for about 14 weeks - 10 of which were spent in the hospital during 4 different admissions. By the end, my sister came home and was on hospice for 3 weeks until she passed; I will always wonder whether she got her meds on schedule, if at all. I look back and think, why didn't I just keep her home with us and get 24-hour care? It wouldn't have been that much more than the facility! The problem was that my sister was very ambulatory and could get into lots of "trouble" if she wasn't watched every moment. The facility was "safe" in that regard. As others have said, the staffing issues at even the "best" places are seemingly insurmountable. Aides on their phones all the time, watching TV with zonked out residents, etc. I cried every time I left after visiting.

Still, I look back and think I made the best decision at the time...didn't know that she would pass away so soon after placement. Similarly, cut yourself some slack...you are doing the BEST YOU CAN!

I would keep an eye on whether Mum gets any UTIs (not being changed, cleaned frequently enough); whether her bedding is clean; whether you spot any infections, sores or bruising; whether she is eating (go visit when a meal is scheduled). And of course, if video cameras are permitted, go for it!

I speak from experience. If you have a loved on in memory care, the only advocate they have is you or the employees in the facility. They cannot advocate for themselves. I have a pending case with the Attorney General about what is considered "normal" care in memory care facilities. Charges are pending because caregivers can't possibly follow all the ADL's required for someone with dementia/alzheimers give the staff ratio and needs of the residents. A minimum of 2 hours between room checks is claimed to be standard. Some facilities will say they check every 1/2 hour-1 hour. My mom would go 8+ hours without someone checking on her except to drop off a meal. The reason I know all this is because I had 3 cameras in her room (approved by the facility). I was continually shocked by the lack of care as was the Attorney General's office. This was at a newer, upscale, boutique facility that promised the world. It was the 3rd facility she has been in but had moved her out of assisted living in one facility after she contracted covid into another facility with memory care. I have gotten defensive replies on this forum when I mention the cameras or lack of care but it is not isolated and AARP and multiple states are investigating the neglect in private memory care units. Please get a camera and do not rely on the rotating staff to provide accurate assessments of your loved one.

Nusing Homes are Awful, even the expensive ones. They are all understaffed.
Lover Ones seem to get worse especially with depression. If the staff is bothered too much, they will want to put the Loved One on Meds telling you it will help them but in reality, it only keeps them quiet and zombie like to make it easier on the staff.
All Nursing Homes present their best to you when you tour then, they are making a sale for your business and you're told what you want to hear.
The Best Place for your Mom is to have her home with you and hire Caregiver Help.
Install Nest Cameras as I did for my Dad as he is living in his own home with 24 7 Caregiver help.
I had my son install the Nest Cameras and I can view what is going on 24 7 from my Cell phone or laptop.

If you have to put your loved one in a Nursing Home, you really need to go visit them every day and at different times.

Prayers

Greetings to you Anche71 in beautiful Italy! I would love to get back there at some point. Wonderful country and people. I have a bit of a hard time navigating the forum so I'm not quite sure what type of facility your Mom is acutually in (and I was too busy visiting restuarants and galleries in my youthful visit to check out medical facilities when I was there). If it is the equivalent of an Assisted living in the US, it is very possible that there are days when an RN is not on site and you only have aides available who may not have access to medical charts. Any therapists on site may only have access to their PT charts. I would like that there would be someone (Administrator or Assistant) who would be available to at least address your questions (although in the US Administrators are frequently not medically trained but they could at least access medical records). If Mom is in the equivalent of a US nursing home.... I would think that they would be the some type of medically trained nursing staff who could access the medical records on site at all times.

In any event as others have mentioned it's been a very short time so some anger and disorientation on the part of your mother is very natural and to be expected. I am so happy to hear that you are speaking with a therapist. It is hard being an only child (yep... I'm one) because it all falls on you (although I have seen the fights some families get into that have made me very appreciatiative of being "the only one", lol) but remember that in oder to care for Mom you have to take care of yourself first. I mean.... who will advocate for Mom or your child if something happens to you??

So take a deep exhalation and attempt to relax a little. You did a good job my getting your Mom to place with more hand to care for her. Yes, it always helps to have a contingency plan just in case it is needed but give Mom and yourself to really find out how this place works and the lay of the land. All relationships need time to be established. Please keep us updated on things.
Hugs, Prayers and Peace to you.

The one thing that really stands out for me is that you tried to talk to someone but there was no nurse to talk to. (I understand there not being a doctor there)
What are the regulations where you are? Here in the USA there has to be a Nurse available.
The fact that there is no nurse would have me concerned. What if there were an emergency? How long would it take to get a Nurse or other medical help?

You mom is confused. She will continue to be confused so some of the things she says should be taken with caution.
People die in facilities just as they die in Hospitals, at home and anywhere else.
Leaving a person I would think would be standard until they can be "officially" pronounced. And if there is no "official" staff person that can do that the person must remain where they are. Now the staff could have done a number of things to make it less traumatic for your mom.

Injuries do happen. And it is possible that they and you will never know how the injury occurred. But leaving it possibly infected, untreated is neglect.

Moving mom is your call. I would be more than a little concerned if this is what has happened in such a short time period.
Not an excuse but all facilities are short staffed and the staff that is there are working hard.
The only thing that I would do is go by my gut feeling, if you think she should be moved then begin looking. Make the best decision you can based on the information you have at the time. Don't second guess yourself.

Your comment about not feeling any peace until one of you dies really resonated with me! I have felt the same thing at times. Counseling helped. I always second guess everything I do in regard to managing my mother’s care. I can’t say that it’s normal - but it would be normal for me. I just know that I could never provide care for her at my home. That would be suicide.

I moved my mother twice. Once into a beautiful assisted living with dementia care (that she agreed to) and she was over the top with lying about what was going on. She eventually settled down, but she always hated being there. Then she declined and was moved to LTC where the staff has been very communicative. Initially she resisted all efforts by the staff to help her settle in, and started up with her stories. But she has settled into a regular “disagreeable” state.

I have a good friend that cared for her mother in her home until she couldn’t physically or emotionally manage it anymore. They had a wonderful loving relationship, but her mother’s dementia and physical needs made being the sole caregiver impossible. She moved her to a local LTC and her mother would cry and beg and plead to go home every time she visited. It was very hard but my friend understood that her mother was safer at the facility.

it would be perfectly okay for you to reach out to the administrator of your mother’s facility and discuss your concerns about needing more communication from the staff as this initial adjustment time has been stressful. And remember this is an adjustment for you as well. Make sure you are included in every care plan meeting. My mother’s visiting doctor has technology that allows me to read the progress notes when they visit and also communicate via email with her providers. That has been helpful. I heard you loud and clear when you said “if I take her back home I will get worse and worse.” Please care for yourself and continue to seek counseling and support. All my best during this time.

I went through the same feeling. Even researched other facilities but then Mom asked not to be moved because she didn't want to start over. What helped most was changing my attitude, saying please and thank you, showing up whenever I could and making sure if I couldn't be there a family member or friend came everyday even if only for a few minutes. I met with care team face to face whenever possible . My mom passed in September and I still sometimes wrestle with did I make the right choice but find peace in knowing I did what I thought was best at the time.

Hello! I am feeling for you. This is a difficult transition for you both. There are lots of good suggestions in this thread in how to communicate with people at this facility. In addition. I think it’s important to take note and observe but also keep yourself as positive and cheery for your mom’s sake. The facility may limit activities due to COVID but maybe you can take a walk, do an activity, initiate a conversation in the sitting room etc. Think about how you might help ease a child into a new school. Make sure she is getting care then let go of the guilt. This is good for her, it’s good for you. You are close so you can visit easily. Here’s to you finding some space to give yourself some love and rebuild. Xo

Try not to worry too much. Firstly it will take longer than a couple of weeks for your mum to settle and you need to wait. Then if after a few months you are still not happy then consider it. It took my mother ages and she said she was not happy but she was not happy at home either! It was her dementia not her environment. Interestingly when I observed her unaware she was chatting amicably to other ladies or was singing! But as soon as I appeared she complained.
Phoning is often better than trying to get staff to talk when you are there. Make an appointment for a face to face if you want a longer meeting.

Good luck!

My heart goes out to you, especially as I have experienced exactly what you describe, and I know your desire to do your best for your mom, and your frustration and fear that you have made a mistake. This is one of the hardest choices that we ever have to make, and we literally are just feeling our way through day by day, trying to decipher clues from our loved ones, and from what we observe in the facility. I too, placed my mom, in what I thought was the best place. Four years later, she is still there, and she is settled and content, and I am very happy with her care. I know how things work. I understand what I need to be tolerant of, what bothers me and does not bother my mom in the least, how the staff really cares and tries, but sometimes fails because they are human, and just in general how to make the best of a situation that I wish none of us had to deal with, most of all my mom. That said, here are some things that I would say to you. 1) If at all possible, go often. Go at different times of the day and stay for different lengths of time. Be positive and praise the staff for all that they are doing right. Be pleasant and helpful. It will pay off for you. 2) If there is a problem that needs to be addressed, take it up with administration, and be firm, yet be as kind as you can be. Don't blow up, but be determined to get a resolution. Tell them how much you appreciate them and what you appreciate, and then tell them what needs to change. Be someone that they don't cringe when they see. 3) Participate as much as possible in any extra activities that are offered. 4) Basically, be a squeaky wheel, but one that people don't mind hearing. Your mom will get better care. 5) Your mom will change over time. My mom has gone from being unhappy there, to being ill a couple of times, each time deteriorating mentally, which is very normal, and each time becoming more content with her circumstances, even as she recovered physically. Now she is as happy as possible in what is her world, and she feels secure. Covid taught me that the facility is to be trusted. I could not see her, and they communicated well, they took excellent care of her, and by the time I could see her again, I knew that she truly was in the right place. It was God's timing for me, because we had to move across the country, and now I can see her only every few weeks. Because of the relationship that I had built with staff, I have credibility, and good communication with them. When I go there now, even if they are closed for some reason (positive covid occasionally) they always make an exception for me and let me in. In NO way do I want to make this sound easy, nor to make you feel like you are doing anything wrong. This is a PROCESS. I could not have done this overnight, and I have cried many tears, and have felt so frustrated and struggled through many difficult situations. I considered moving her at times, and I even looked for some places, which in itself made me feel better. But I stuck with it, and worked through it, and now I am glad that I did. Not every facility is worth doing that for, but this one was. I wish you the very best, and I want to encourage you. It will get better. I have come to terms with the fact that my mom is perfectly happy not seeing me often. She doesn't know, and she's thrilled when she does see me, but it's as though I was just there. Then I leave and she's back to her friends very happily. That is a BLESSING, and I would not have her any other way. I am fortunate, and I wish you the same.