Our mother sleeps all the time with very few exceptions. We have mixed feelings about the upcoming holidays. On one side, there are no small children in the family at this point, so we thought to cancel Christmas this year. Knowing our mother is lying there in bed, aside from the birth of Christ, what else is there to celebrate and get together for? It's impossible to be jolly & merry, Furthermore we are both very "hands on" with mom so the stress of Christmas shopping, buying gifts, making meals, making the time to do all that would put so much stress on us. We also both work full time from home. On the flip side, we thought to maybe just have a very small gathering ....literally me and my husband and my sister and brother in law. Keep it low key this year. Thoughts? Comments?
With the rest of the family, I’d suggest that you schedule times for them to call in on mother to see her, perhaps for the last time. Once again, talk about old Christmases. Ask your sister and BIL around for a drink and nibble at the end of the day, and specify ‘no gifts over $10’. That makes it easy to pick up a little box of chocolates from the supermarket, no stress. You can all go over what you remembered to talk to mother about – it will probably be different, and spark a longer ‘old times’ conversation. It could still be a quiet but special Christmas for you all to remember.
Best wishes, Margaret
I had my children bring some of the food, so it didn't all fall on me, and at Christmas I usually just ordered all the gifts online, so didn't have to worry about getting out and about, since I was my husband 24/7 caregiver.
For me it worked. And I'm grateful for the last several holidays we all had together, as I know my husband was happy to have his immediate family with him, despite his many health issues.
But you have to do whatever works for you and your family. If that means you just order takeout, so be it. As long as you enjoy whatever time you have left with your mom, that's all that really matters.
God bless you.
No choices “felt right”, but we were together with a fire in the fireplace and the tree and the children.
As THE CAREGIVER nothing was right for me, but in retrospect, that was OK too.
I think we each chose some personal food or gift or decoration that meant Christmas to us, shared what we’d brought, and went home early.
Summing up, do what makes you feel good, and respect the feelings of all involved as much as possible.
Keep the memories of Christmases that were brighter in the past. Keep the hope that the memories of your mother and her life may brighten your Christmases in the future.
We cut back a little on the parties. We met as a 'family' in the upstairs family room of YB's home. Dad could hear a little of what went on, but he was happy we were all together.
We had several younger grands and a few great grands to consider.
Personally, I slipped away from the party and went downstairs to dad's room to sit quietly with him. I held his hand and we talked a little. I used to have a lovely singing voice and he and I sang together a lot. He asked me to sing to him, so I did, maybe for a half hour, IDK. He was lying there, holding my hand and tears were streaming down his face.
He passed, peacefully, quietly and with the dignity that personified my daddy, 45 minutes into the New Year.
His last gift to me was letting me know I was loved. My last gift to him was thanking him for loving me.
And isn't THAT what Christmas should be about?
I remember one year my mother was in the hospital with severe GI issues during 'the holidays' and wound up getting an IVC umbrella filter surgically implanted in her aorta at midnight on Christmas Eve. Believe me when I tell you none of us were in the mood to celebrate anything that year, so we didn't. We all wished Jesus a Happy Birthday & that was about it for 2011.
Do what YOU feel you want to do, and nothing more. There is no 'right' or 'wrong' answer here, my friend. Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult time in your lives.
5 weeks before my Dad died the doctor said he would not live the weekend. Mom insisted on Hospice. Dad lived to see Thanksgiving Day. My brothers, wives and children (we each have 2) gathered at Moms. Dads bed was in the living room. At this point he could not talk. He and my brothers watched the football game. It all was normal with the boys teasing Dad. My daughter helped get Dad ready for the night. Everyone, but my brother from out of town, left. Mom woke about about 6am, Dad was gone.She sat with him the next 2 hrs not wanting to disturb the Hospice Nurse or us kids. Thinking of this now, I wonder how my Mom got thru Thanksgiving Day. Dad had health problems and every year he would say "This is my last Thanksgiving, this is my last Christmas"
My suggestion, as a retired Hospice RN, is to celebrate the holidays to the fullest extent possible, keeping your preparations to a minimum and making your togetherness the primary focus, while involving your mom as much as possible.
Talk to your mom, touch her as much as possible, share the meal plans with her, make her special dishes. Do all you can to spruce her up, even painting her nails and dabbing a bit of lip and cheek color on. Although she's asleep - or seems to be - most of the time, she is still present and aware.
You could place some lights on her bed for Christmas and do some small things to keep her part of the celebrations. decorate the tree and share the event with her. Make the most of her last holidays with you; you won't regret it.
Try to make these holidays about celebrating family ties, the family that she is the matriarch of; celebrate her life and the family traditions that you all treasure.
I recall one of the Hospice deaths that I attended. While waiting during the wee hours of the night for the funeral home to come, I encouraged the granddaughters to go ahead and paint their beloved grandmother's toenails red as they had intended to do before her peaceful passing. This gave them a sense of comfort. It may seem a bit macabre until you realize that death is just as much a part of life as anything else and just one more stage in life's journey. I always encouraged touch and involvement with the dying loved one, the making of final memories. These young granddaughters knew that their beloved grandmother met her maker with jazzy red toenails; it reminded them of how she'd been in her younger years and brought them comfort.
I'd say: try to make the most of it and involve mom as much as possible. As long as she's without pain, you won't disrupt her by rousing her from her seeming sleep. She will be present and a part of things until her last breath. Make beautiful and lasting memories.
Wishing you strength and peace.
Play music.
Keep it simple.
really, my mom was the one that created all of our holiday traditions and memories. Including the stress, as she went nuts trying to make everything “perfect”. You don’t have to act any happier than you feel but getting together is so important as you say goodbye to loved ones .
my Mom was in Hospice fir two years and at one point both my parents were on Hospice. I did a brunch at their apartment and will do so for Mom this year. (Off hospice but bedridden)
we bring mimosas, cream chipped beef, biscuits and scrapple and fruit. All of her favorites.
this is likely to be your last Thanksgiving with her so make memories
Even though it's stressful, my kiddos / girlfriend / hubby help me with my mother, getting her to the table, fixing her plate, etc.
However, it's very apparent that making sure she's included and not left in the bed napping, is more for me and us rather than for her. She just doesn't seem to care.
i gave him a present of an orange and a peppermint stick in a christmas stocking … the same thing we gave him and his sisters each christmas when they were younger.
Skip the fuss of everything else. Light, music, and a few familiar flavors or scents is all it takes.
if you want to have guests, make it strictly potluck. If it’s for yourself, order takeout.
Don’t deprive your mother or yourselves of loveliness on this last Christmas with her.
1. Not celebrate the holiday 'as usual,' primarily due to my disgust of all the media about retail financial bottom line') - the meaning of the gift / giving got totally lost.
2. See / believe / feel "Santa" is a mind-set of self-care, caring for others, doing good in the world . . . and is ALL THE TIME, ALL YEAR ROUND. I used to collect Santas due to the symbolism they had for me -
If I were you, I would see this time as an opportunity to:
1. Reflect on the good times with your mom over the years (with family).
2. Make meals / celebratory events a family affair - meaning EVERYONE chips in to do what is necessary-not leaving it up to you.
3. Do not buy ANY gifts or do a fun one gift exchange ... where the next person can take the previous gift or open a new one.
4. Write letters / notes / poems to each other (and your mom) sharing feelings / appreciations. These are the real gifts of the season, or in my view, should / could be.
This IS an opportunity to honor your mom if you change your preconceived 'christmas as usual' mentality. It is an opportunity for you / your family / your friends to really cherish the REAL meaning of the end of this year - honoring your mom and everyone in your home.
If you decide to do this, write a note to everyone of your intentions and expectations of everyone, i.e., helping out - making this time of year / celebrating a family event. It isn't as it used to be . . . you hosting and doing all the work. This is a time to come together as a unit, to support each other, and your mom.
Gena
Touch Matters
Make your holidays happy.
But I am sure family wants to get together to see mom.
Either make the holiday(s) a Pot Luck where every family brings a dish and you only have to "worry" about the main (turkey, ham roast. I strongly suggest a ham. Toss it in the slow cooker and people can pull off bits as they wish. Don't even put it on a platter to carve. Or if you do carve it up just toss all the meat back into the slow cooker)
Or you make all the food appetizer, nibble type foods. People can come and go as they wish. More like an Open House rather than a "formal dinner".
Open House type arrangement works well as you can set the times that is best for you and your family based on mom's schedule. (when she gets changed, repositioned, fed if she is eating,)
Invite as many as you want and keep it as low key as you want.
If any family member has a problem then you can suggest that THEY have the family over to their house and they can host the holiday dinner.
The Christmas gifts may well be skipped and the meals simplified, the amount of decorating limited. However, I have found that going through some of the important motions of the season have been very helpful to me as well as the dying person in celebrating a last Christmas. It sort of transforms into a celebration of all the good Christmases of the past and quiet hopes for more joyful future Christmases.