Our mother sleeps all the time with very few exceptions. We have mixed feelings about the upcoming holidays. On one side, there are no small children in the family at this point, so we thought to cancel Christmas this year. Knowing our mother is lying there in bed, aside from the birth of Christ, what else is there to celebrate and get together for? It's impossible to be jolly & merry, Furthermore we are both very "hands on" with mom so the stress of Christmas shopping, buying gifts, making meals, making the time to do all that would put so much stress on us. We also both work full time from home. On the flip side, we thought to maybe just have a very small gathering ....literally me and my husband and my sister and brother in law. Keep it low key this year. Thoughts? Comments?
if you need encouragement, watch the old cartoon version of the Grinch Who Stole Christmas. The message is worthwhile.
Even in adverse situations, wartime, illness, grieving… remember to feel love for each other, joy, genetisity, appreciation for your own health and even kindness toward strangers.
Even when life seems impossible, there are people in our community and world who have it much worse.
if you don’t want to give gifts to each other and still are financially able, consider helping an immigrant family or even sending cards to those living in safe houses or making a meal for a shelter. It might make you feel better somehow.
None of us knows how much time we have left. Every year can bring more empty seats around the holiday table.
i wish I could spend even a moment of hospice with my parents so I could feel the warmth of their hand, watch them breathing and tell them I love them once again, even when they were too sick to respond. Try your best to appreciate the very simplest blessings.
if Mom is still eating, maybe a few small spoonfuls of her favorites. Put a holiday movie, the Hallmark channel, Christmas music from years past. Or football if mom was a fan a few small decorations near her bed and dinner table, a small or itty tree at xmas, some twinkle lights
im giving mom some warm socks, new nightgown and some lotion. And I’ll sit with her as long as I can
its not just my last with her, it’s her last. I want her mind to feel free to wander through happy holidays in the past.
We don't do family holidays, it's the time they ALL feel is appropriate to air any grievances they have. So, my husband and I do our own thing and wish the rest well. I am happy that I have this one memory of my dad at Christmas that brings a smile. I know he really enjoyed the drama free day as much as we did.
Do whatever you feel. Tradition isn't law.
The Christmas gifts may well be skipped and the meals simplified, the amount of decorating limited. However, I have found that going through some of the important motions of the season have been very helpful to me as well as the dying person in celebrating a last Christmas. It sort of transforms into a celebration of all the good Christmases of the past and quiet hopes for more joyful future Christmases.
But I am sure family wants to get together to see mom.
Either make the holiday(s) a Pot Luck where every family brings a dish and you only have to "worry" about the main (turkey, ham roast. I strongly suggest a ham. Toss it in the slow cooker and people can pull off bits as they wish. Don't even put it on a platter to carve. Or if you do carve it up just toss all the meat back into the slow cooker)
Or you make all the food appetizer, nibble type foods. People can come and go as they wish. More like an Open House rather than a "formal dinner".
Open House type arrangement works well as you can set the times that is best for you and your family based on mom's schedule. (when she gets changed, repositioned, fed if she is eating,)
Invite as many as you want and keep it as low key as you want.
If any family member has a problem then you can suggest that THEY have the family over to their house and they can host the holiday dinner.
Make your holidays happy.
1. Not celebrate the holiday 'as usual,' primarily due to my disgust of all the media about retail financial bottom line') - the meaning of the gift / giving got totally lost.
2. See / believe / feel "Santa" is a mind-set of self-care, caring for others, doing good in the world . . . and is ALL THE TIME, ALL YEAR ROUND. I used to collect Santas due to the symbolism they had for me -
If I were you, I would see this time as an opportunity to:
1. Reflect on the good times with your mom over the years (with family).
2. Make meals / celebratory events a family affair - meaning EVERYONE chips in to do what is necessary-not leaving it up to you.
3. Do not buy ANY gifts or do a fun one gift exchange ... where the next person can take the previous gift or open a new one.
4. Write letters / notes / poems to each other (and your mom) sharing feelings / appreciations. These are the real gifts of the season, or in my view, should / could be.
This IS an opportunity to honor your mom if you change your preconceived 'christmas as usual' mentality. It is an opportunity for you / your family / your friends to really cherish the REAL meaning of the end of this year - honoring your mom and everyone in your home.
If you decide to do this, write a note to everyone of your intentions and expectations of everyone, i.e., helping out - making this time of year / celebrating a family event. It isn't as it used to be . . . you hosting and doing all the work. This is a time to come together as a unit, to support each other, and your mom.
Gena
Touch Matters
Skip the fuss of everything else. Light, music, and a few familiar flavors or scents is all it takes.
if you want to have guests, make it strictly potluck. If it’s for yourself, order takeout.
Don’t deprive your mother or yourselves of loveliness on this last Christmas with her.
i gave him a present of an orange and a peppermint stick in a christmas stocking … the same thing we gave him and his sisters each christmas when they were younger.
Even though it's stressful, my kiddos / girlfriend / hubby help me with my mother, getting her to the table, fixing her plate, etc.
However, it's very apparent that making sure she's included and not left in the bed napping, is more for me and us rather than for her. She just doesn't seem to care.
my Mom was in Hospice fir two years and at one point both my parents were on Hospice. I did a brunch at their apartment and will do so for Mom this year. (Off hospice but bedridden)
we bring mimosas, cream chipped beef, biscuits and scrapple and fruit. All of her favorites.
this is likely to be your last Thanksgiving with her so make memories
really, my mom was the one that created all of our holiday traditions and memories. Including the stress, as she went nuts trying to make everything “perfect”. You don’t have to act any happier than you feel but getting together is so important as you say goodbye to loved ones .
Play music.
Keep it simple.
My suggestion, as a retired Hospice RN, is to celebrate the holidays to the fullest extent possible, keeping your preparations to a minimum and making your togetherness the primary focus, while involving your mom as much as possible.
Talk to your mom, touch her as much as possible, share the meal plans with her, make her special dishes. Do all you can to spruce her up, even painting her nails and dabbing a bit of lip and cheek color on. Although she's asleep - or seems to be - most of the time, she is still present and aware.
You could place some lights on her bed for Christmas and do some small things to keep her part of the celebrations. decorate the tree and share the event with her. Make the most of her last holidays with you; you won't regret it.
Try to make these holidays about celebrating family ties, the family that she is the matriarch of; celebrate her life and the family traditions that you all treasure.
I recall one of the Hospice deaths that I attended. While waiting during the wee hours of the night for the funeral home to come, I encouraged the granddaughters to go ahead and paint their beloved grandmother's toenails red as they had intended to do before her peaceful passing. This gave them a sense of comfort. It may seem a bit macabre until you realize that death is just as much a part of life as anything else and just one more stage in life's journey. I always encouraged touch and involvement with the dying loved one, the making of final memories. These young granddaughters knew that their beloved grandmother met her maker with jazzy red toenails; it reminded them of how she'd been in her younger years and brought them comfort.
I'd say: try to make the most of it and involve mom as much as possible. As long as she's without pain, you won't disrupt her by rousing her from her seeming sleep. She will be present and a part of things until her last breath. Make beautiful and lasting memories.
Wishing you strength and peace.