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My 71 year old father had a fall and can no longer use the stairs in his home. His mobility is now severely limited, even when using the walker. He has Parkinson's along with heart problems. He moved into assisted living for 2 weeks now, and he is having difficulty accepting the fact he may not be able to return home again. He lies in the bed most of the day, and would only get up for meals & restroom.

How can I help my dad to accept and adjust to assisted living? Most of the residents look pretty lifeless, and I can understand why. It's not the facility's fault... it's tough to find meaning and purpose when a person has debilitated to the point of requiring assistance for the most basic tasks of daily living.

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Does your dad use a wheelchair, since he can't walk? Most of the places that I have seen have residents that gather in the tv room, patio, porch, etc. and talk or just enjoy being outside. If there is live music in the dining room, most residents show up. The staff encourage it too.

Making friends is essential and I would think that there would be a lot of other residents who would love to get to know him.

I would certainly discuss your concerns with the facility and also his doctor to see if he may need medication and/or a therapist. Most of the AL's have someone who comes to the facility for sessions.
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Amen, KelleyT. You could be describing my dad. He would call at all hours of the night too. My mom with ALZ lives with him in AL and he got her all upset. The staff told us not to visit so often to allow them time to adjust on their own. My sisters had to back off their visits to once a month/6 weeks because they lived too far to come every week. I go once a week now to bring things they need, take them to doctors etc. We keep our visits shorter, eat with them to get to know their friends, and stopped trying to take them out every time. They are doing SO much better.
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When my 93 year old father-in-law was in assisted living, we ran ourselves ragged to see him 2-3 times a week only to listen to him complain, beg us to get him a car, plead with us to let him go home, demand money so he can rent a car and leave...it was awful. He would scream at us to get out and never come back...so hurtful. Until one day a care worker said he never acts that way except when you are here. He has friends, laughs and participates in events. So we cut our visits to once a week and would skip a week here or there. We felt guilty for awhile, but after a couple of months, he was SO much better. Also arranging our visits to have a meal with him was good. He focused on his dinner and we could have a nice conversation and leave after coffee.
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Luckly my mom seems to have adjusted to assisted living....at first she had the attitude that this was like an elephant's grave yard, a place to die.. Now she goes to all the activities and she is the bingo queen..The facility has physical therapist in house and are working hard to get her out of the wheelchair and not falling so much. This factor is great for all because it would take 3-4 months to get to the doctor and get a referal.
I, too was one who did not let others in to help when she lived with us 24/7. It was not a control issue but more embarrasment and not wanting to bother other with my mess.
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AnotherJoe: I am surprised that your dad has to be in an AL at such a young age. There should be a social worker there to get him out and into some activities, albeit even watching tv in the main room where every other person does so.
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Is there a mobility van that takes residents out for lunch or shopping? It might cheer him a little to know he can go beyond the facility doors once in awhile. This is a huge adjustment for him to make. I would think it would take someone with good cognition a month or more to mentally resettle. Any eldercare facility worth it's salt will make an effort to provide meaning and purpose for their residents, whether it means holding religious services, planning activities or movies the residents can relate to their past interests and hobbies. What was his favorite thing about living in his house? If it was a favored neighbor, see if you can get them to visit. Puttering around the kitchen? Fill his cabinet with favorite snacks and a favorite coffee mug. In other words, try to bring something about home to his new home...but without making a big deal about it or how it should make him feel.
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To Sunnygirl 1 -- you might not have intended to post here, but your thoughts are very helpful. In assisting my parents while they were still in their home, I found myself drawn in deeper and deeper into spending most of every day with them, 7 days a week. As they became more infirm and my mother's ALZ worsened there was no end to what needed to be done that they couldn't handle. My 4 siblings (none of whom lived nearby) were all too happy to let me do it. When a medical crisis put my dad in the hospital we arranged for him to be discharged into a rehab facility for a few weeks. It was husband who made me see that they were going to need a more professional care level than I would be able to give even if I moved in with them. We are 65 and 68, and as others have pointed out here, often it is the caregiver who ends up dying first if they don't accept help. It does seem "weird" that many give up their own lives in the care of others, but often it's not deliberate choice -- you just get drawn in. We were fortunate to be able to find a great facility and make it work. Some people don't have that option. The hardest part is accepting that as a son or daughter we may feel responsible for many, many aspects of our parents' care, and make great sacrifices to provide them the best possible medical care, living arrangements, activity, safety and companionship. But we are not responsible for their inevitable aging, which we all face; and we can't be responsible for their personal sense of purpose or happiness. Only they can decide how they will respond to the love and care being given to them.
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It's much more than adjusting to a new living arrangement. Like others have said, your parents are mourning the loss of their old lives. Their dreams are shattered, especially your dad's. There's little more that you can do except try to get your dad a geriatric psychiatrist, geriatric nurse practitioner, and/or, if he's religious, a spiritual counselor.

You did what was best for your parents. They live where they are safe. You are a good son. I highly recommend Roz Chast's book "Can't we talk about something more pleasant?"
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My 89 year old father lives in a 55+ apartment and he won't go to any of the activities unless someone he knows initiates the idea and goes with him - even though he has lived there since 2004 and many of the people say hello and call him by name when they see him! It's helpful if you can find a buddy. When he was in rehab for a stroke, he got seated at at the dinner table with a gracious woman who made all the difference in his recovery. He actually didn't mind being there. I have hired someone to ensure he gets some companion care each day for at least 3 hours. She encourages him to go for walks, do light workouts on the gym equipment, short errands, watch sports on TV with her, etc. I'm also there quite a bit and take him out to eat and church, etc. Works for the moment.
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Sorry for post above. Posted on WRONG thread.
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After thinking about this situation, I remembered this family friend we have who refuses to let her mom out of her sight. She's in her 60's and provides around the clock, 24 hour, 7 days a week in home care for her mother (87, walks with assistance) who has dementia, but is totally dependent on her for all ADLs. (Is incontinent.) She lives in the family home with her mother and refuses to allow anyone to even sit with her mom for an hour for her to run an errand, sleep or just take a break. It's really weird to me, but the family (5 siblings in all) tolerate it. This has been going on for years. I invited her to dinner tonight. She does take her mom out for outing quite a bit. Still, it makes you wonder. It's like a control issue.
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Hi There,
I am so sorry things are not going well. Itr;s tough. I am in a very similar situation, my husband is 72 with Parkinsons and needs assisted living as well. Your post is exactly how I think things will go for him. I was wondering how t make it better for my husband. most people are much older than him. Is there a physical therapy component to the facility? I found one that was assisted and had a parkinsons program-if so perhaps a therapy /exercise plan could be the thing to get him out of his room A schedule and perhaps interacting with the therapists who may be younger would make him like he is not so alone and perhaps feel he is working towards getting some strength and indepndence back He may b=feel hopeless and depressed- but he needs to know there is hope and maybe things won;t be what they once were but he has a lot of life to live. Also, do they have social worker? Maybe you could speak to them and that person could stop by to see him maybe informally- not so much like a therapy session- but a coaching session. If your dad is typically friendly I would try to even find staff that he can connect with. I know my hubby is more inclined to talk to staff vs, making new friends.Also, if there are any activities you could suggest maybe he might be open to it- in time. Even though we know this is the right thing to do for safety and care imagine the adjustment if we had to leave out homes. I would give it time - try to visit when there are activities and go with him if they are activities he might enjoy.Communicate with the staff and let them know your concern. When you can take him outside and try to do the things he likes to do. I know it;s tough. I feel your concern. I will be there shortly and know my situation will be very similar. Again I have been approaching the assisted living idea emphasizing the rehab and exercise plan. Good luck...Bless you and your dad.
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The adjustment to assisted living can be a very long process, and it's not just a move, it's a huge loss for your dad. He is grieving the loss of his life and individual independence. My parents had to move together to assisted living 18 months ago. My parents are 85 and 88; mother has ALZ; dad has had stroke, serious heart issues. My husband and I assisted them in their home (we lived 20 min. away) until dad had multiple heart attacks that left him seriously debilitated. They are now in an apt in a lovely facility where my sister is the operations director -- so they see her multiple times a day and receive excellent care! I drive down 2 hrs one way 1 -2 times a week. But the transition was very difficult; they were both very angry, depressed, and "just wanted to die." They were so angry my dad even called the police to report he was being "held prisoner." It took a full year before they began to really accept their new reality; and it took the care of a wonderful geriatric specialist who over the course of that year prescribed the right medications including antidepressants, making adjustments every 3 months. We had to sell their home to pay for their care; we pay part of their expenses to help stretch their savings. This was all part of their loss. In addition to losing his own independence my dad is slowly losing his wife a little bit at a time. I feel the pain you and your dad are going through. My dad would also lie in bed and refuse to participate. Even with medication your dad will need time to grieve his loss . Support him with love and patience as best you can; and try to find him someone he can talk to periodically, whether a physician, a pastor, the nurse, or staff members he will come to care about. Another resident who sits next to my folks at meals was a huge help to my dad for she had also been moved quickly after a health issue and understood his anger. Please stay in touch with us in this forum and let us know how your dad progresses and how you are doing. The people in this forum were my salvation during our darkest days without evening knowing it--I just read their words. They speak from the wisdom of experience and with great compassion. I still read posts here on a daily basis and learn more every day. It's a long journey but you are not alone. God bless you.
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I really feel for your dad and you. I have had my mother in AL for 3 months after a fall, and for a while it worked pretty good. I keep asking myself how much of her isolation & poor attitude is from losing cognitive skills or was she always like this? I think it is both. Your dad changed states so he lost all his friends plus he feels he has lost some of his dignity. I get the AL to mail me the schedule of activities for the month and try to be there when something is happening I know she may like, then I practically force her to go. It doesn't make her happy, but I know it is good for her to get out of her apt & talk to people. I also speak often to workers there and make friends myself so they know I am concerned and hopefully they will make overtures to her. I get a report every time I walk in the door. Best of luck to you.
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Hang in there. Patience and persistence is key. My mom is in her first full month of AL and I get pretty well dragged over hot coals when I speak to her. We children have to be strong to let them acclimate to their new life. Speak to staff often to let them know you care and they will respect that. I'm getting to know Mom's favorites and talk to them in person and by phone to inquire how she is doing. I'm working on my mom to get her to socialize more. The staff goes and gets her when something is going on so she won't just sit in her room. Remember he is where he needs to be.
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I would think about getting the social worker on staff a call. That is what I did when dad became upset about his move. Mostly it was having to adapt to the changes that was upsetting to him. He hated everything at first. He loves it now. Speak to the director of assisted living and get the admin staff involved. My dad had difficulty adjusting to the move from IL to AL too. The social worker got a male therapist to come visit with him a few times. It does sound like there is depression like symptoms going on.
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Has he been evaluated for depression? I would have him seen by a psychiatrist and evaluated for meds if he doesn't start to acclimate soon.
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Change is a huge adjustment for anyone, especially the elderly. 2 weeks is not long enough to adapt the way we might ourselves versus a parent. Give him a couple months to feel safe and more confident in his new routine and space to adapt so that he will see and feel like he is still in charge of his own life.
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My dad shows no interest in activities. I don't live close so I only visit him once or twice a week. I always offer to take him out for a walk on the wheelchair but he always declines. He would just lie on his bed and express grief over the loss of his ability to walk.
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AnotherJoe, oh my gosh your Dad is so very young to be in Assisted Living so it much be very hard on him to adjust.

Are you able to get to the Assisted Living facility during the day when there are activities planned for the residents? I use to take my Dad to the afternoon social hour which he enjoyed. Also took him if there was musical act. At least it got Dad to meet other residents.

My Dad is pretty agreeable, so if the Staff comes to get him, chances are he will go, unless he is pretty tired in the afternoon... but then again my Dad is in his 90's. My Dad also moved into senior living when he decided he no longer liked the stairs in his home, it had become too difficult for him to manage even with the help of a caregiver. So far, Dad never looked back or asked to see the house again.
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