i don't entirely trust her, she's manipulative and mean to me. Over and over i say i will walk away completely but i can't do that i want to help take care of my father at least spend time with him even though he doesn't know who i am. But it is extremely difficult, if i ask questions about her care or just day to day issures it is interpreted as a criticism and emotions instantly escalate. If i try and walk away, i get the martyr routine. I remind myself that is not about us its about my father but it is not easy. I also am not sure he's being taken care of properly. I also am not clear on their money situation because i am lied to about it. Any advise?
Learning to set boundaries, detaching from other people's manipulation all while you are trying to help your dad is a tall order. Is it possible for you to get some counseling to help you vent your feelings and to give your strength? Do you belong to a spiritual organization. A leader there may be able to help you. If you belong to a church, they may have trained Stephen Ministers who can listen to you and give you encouragement.
You are trying to do the right thing, and you already know that boundaries are needed in order to deal with your mother and still be around your dad. Support to carry you through can come in many guises. Please keep checking back on Agingcare.com, but also look for caregiving support groups and/or counseling. You will feel better when you get encouragement from other people who have been - or are - in your shoes.
Take care of yourself - that must be your priority. You can't help your dad if your mother gets to you too much.
Carol
xo
-SS
She doesn't understand that my Dad's dementia prevents him from being able to care for her in their home. She also keeps begging my Dad to take her back home.
Her Dementia is worse than his. My Dad continues to try and drive with a suspended license, so he needs a secure facility. I have POA and medical directive. Now I have to file for a conservatorship of them because they might try to go back to their home. This is an awful disease. Thank you for posting about your situation. I hope your mom will calm down, too.
Carol's suggestion to find local counseling or a support group for yourself is good. It can be helpful, I can say from personal experience.
And follow up on the question - who has POA, if anyone. You need to get that taken care of before Mom can't sign the papers. Otherwise, taking care of them if she becomes too mentally deficient will be impossible.
Indeed, take care of yourself. Take ownership of the good you are trying to do and dismiss the negative stuff. You are a good person! (((hugs))) Bee