One parent is 81 and is the main caregiver for the parent with dementia. The caregiver is so stressed that they want out of the marriage after 57 years because they can’t handle it anymore. We are working on getting them into senior living apartment with some help with cleaning, meals, and possibly some care for the one with dementia. We are at a loss and really sad at what this horrible disease is doing to our loved ones! Suggestions?
Look for a facility with multiple levels of care so Dad can go into independent or assisted living (or he can stay home if he's up to that), and Mom goes to memory care.
Trust me, the stress of caring for your mom WILL kill your father before your mother. You must jump on this immediately.
An elder trying to care for a demented spouse alone, especially a wife, is a very difficult thing. It can wind up killing him from stress alone. If he places her in Memory Care Assisted Living and continues living at home, he can go visit her as often as he likes.
The family should educate themselves about dementia and what to expect as the decline continues. Your mother needs full time care and that cannot be provided by your father with you pinch hitting here and there to give him a break. What about when she starts wandering at night and nobody sleeps? And becomes incontinent and needing Depends? The list of needs will get VERY long very quickly, unfortunately.
My parents were married for 67 years when my mother started down the dementia highway. My father finally lost his patience with her and was ready to leave her, too, but he died before he was able to. My DH and I had to go over to their place in AL quite a few times to break up their ugly fights, I'll never forget that. And she wasn't NEARLY as bad as she is now, 6 years later.....which is almost impossible to deal with, living in Memory Care Assisted Living for the past 2 years. I thank God every day for the staff that care for her, and for the fact that my father didn't have to deal with her histrionics all this time. It would have killed him, literally. Or me, if I had to deal with it daily, it's all too much.
Good luck helping your dad make wise choices moving forward.
Being a caregiver(especially for someone with dementia)is the hardest job out there, and yes it takes it toll on the one doing the caregiving. Your father is exhausted, and worn out. He needs a more permanent solution than putting them together in an apartment where the majority of the care will still fall on him, since he's already at his wits end.
I believe you need to rethink this, and start looking for the appropriate memory care facility for your mom with dementia, as things with her will only continue to get worse. Wishing you the best.
My DH's health is slowly and steadily declining. He spent a week in the hospital last month and they couldn't find anything wrong with him, except depression. He wants to retire and 'go to bed until he dies'. (I realize the depression is a HUGE factor).
I put my foot down and said at age 69 he was doing no such thing. We are also downsizing, but I am insistent on having my own bed & bath and I will not wait hand and foot on him. He would eat all 3 meals in bed if he could, and frequently does. He slept all day yesterday and all day today. Just got out of bed and now has been in the bathtub for 2+ hrs. Then he will go back to bed. This is every single weekend for us.
Unbelivably, he still works FT but is trying hard to retire. I'm not 65 yet, a recent cancer patient and so I HAVE to have health insurance.
If his choice is to go to bed and stay there--we will not live together. I am looking at duplexes, he can live in one side and fend for himself and I can live in the other. He was appalled at my plan, even though I was completely serious. I am NOT spending the last 15 years of my life babysitting him. I've been doing it for 45 years already!
When he was in the hospital and not improving, I was madly trying to get a rehab facility lined up for him--partly to help him and partly to scare him. He needs to see that he will be living in one of these if he doesn't make an effort to wake up and engage in the world.
He does not want to move, but we have over 40 stairs that I have to negotiate every day as part of my routine. He doesn't see a problem.
The STRESS of caring for him and him NOT caring for me during cancer left me with tachycardia, which I have to treat with meds, to keep from having attacks.
I made NO vow at marriage 'for better or worse' and it's been both, as all marriages are.
It seems weird, I know to split up a couple like this---but I fear that is what is going to happen if he doesn't get some psychological counseling. We're not that unusual. And that's sad.
My HUSBAND invited here here to live in our home.
In 8 weeks, I was bedridden from the stress.
If he hadn’t relented, my already bad health would have taken a further nose-dive.
That was a little over a year ago.
I completely understand where your father is coming from. Caregivers get desperate.
Speaking reality isn’t unkind. It’s just reality.
Even if their funds are limited, there are ways to split them, and apply for Medicaid for your mother to be cared for in another setting.
There are lots of other folks here who are knowledgeable in that area.
We got to the point, and I think maybe your family is there also, where it became an issue of not what the elders want but what do they need for there own good. I had to eventually force the issue and move them
Dementia or not, the family needs to sit down with your mom and explain to her what the situation is and how her disease is affecting the family. Do not place any blame, and most importantly, assure her of your love for her. It appears that separation is the only solution. Call the Area Agency on Aging in your area to get suggestions. Also call the VA to see what your dad qualifies for.
Then will come the part where you sell their home which will also help pay for care, have the estate sale, and get them moved. It's not easy but doable.
I know it sounds like a silly question, but what aspects of your mother's disease is he finding most stressful? And how long has he been taking the strain?
It could be reasonable to hope that once better support is in place and he isn't dealing with a daily sh*t-storm he will change his mind about wanting to bail out. But that's not necessarily so. Do encourage him to talk openly, listen to what he says, and give him time and space to recover from what he's been through.
How is your mother in herself? Is she very dependent on him for emotional support?