My husband is 78 years old. For years now he has had a death wish upon himself. Sometimes just sitting & thinking about how much he wants to die.
He also has anger outburst from something as simple as forgetting a password & using the worst profanity you can imagine but it's against himself about how stupid & ignorant (except with the add profanity) he is and how he just needs to die. He's only here to pay bills & nothing else. He's also made comments that he doesn't know why when a person gets older that they can just take a pill & end their life. He says he would never commit kill himself cause insurance wouldn't pay out & that he's not brave enough to do it.
I've begged him to go to doctor for help & he refuses. When he talks of wanting to die, of course, it affects me. I end up in tears begging him to listen that I love him very much & how much other people love him but it does no good.
I've told him several times that I would talk to his son if he didn't seek some medical attention but he still refuses.
I feel so inadequate as a wife that I'm doing something wrong that my husband would rather die than be here with me. I'm at my wits end. I suffer from depression and migraines.
I told him this morning that he either gets medical treatment or we were going to sit down & discuss things with his son. He loves & values his sons opinion very much. His family knows nothing about his outburst & death wishes but mine do. Even my friends as he has shown out in front of the, before, literally shoving his food off the table in front of my friends & family.
Please someone give me some advice.
Thank you & God bless
I also suffer from depression/anxiety. I have been on/off meds for 20+ years. I have a therapist and I go regularly, yet, I couldn't change or even help him.
It finally took tough love and a decision to leave him that pushed him into seeing a psychiatrist who also does therapy. LUCKILY it was a good match, personality wise, and she has been able to help him. He'd been on antidepressants, but the doc bumped up his dose and within a few weeks, he was perking up. I have noticed small changes, very slowly over the year (he started in January) and embrace each one with hope that there's more to come.
He'll never be a perky, outgoing, super affectionate guy--basically, he isn't the man I married, but he's doing better and as long as he continues to improve, I'll be grateful for it.
It did take the threat (and I would have divorced him had he chosen to not seek help) to leave that shook him up. I wish I had done this 10 years ago.
First, though, you do need to take care of yourself. Then you can weather what his "moods" may throw at you.
It's not an overnight cure. I know my hubby will never be the same as he used to be, but I can live with the man he's become.
Involve your kids if you need to. I have 5 kids, one will NOT speak of anything relating to our marriage, so I sought support from the kids who would give it. My Sons In Law have been the BEST..inviting him to go golf or fish or hike..things he loves but won't do alone. (No, he has no friends).
Best of luck to you--and just so you know--anger is most men's "go-to" emotion. It's "manly" and masks true emotions which they don't want to feel. Not personal to you, so don't take it as such.
Then, consider your options. If talking it over with his son might help him, do it!
The husband of a dear friend of mine was depressed and refused to consider treatment. They'd been through a lot together. He'd helped her through some tough times. She did every thing she could think of to convince him he needed treatment. Finally she decided that although she loved him she could not live her life this way. She divorced him and got on with her own life. The really strange thing is that he improved on his own. He pursued some interests in the community and became more active in general.
My own husband was depressed after a head injury. He just wasn't himself for nearly a year. He claimed he couldn't be depressed because he wasn't sad. A psychiatrist explained to him how the injury changed the chemistry in his brain, and that he would probably need an anti-depressant the rest of his life. That little pill gave me back my husband.
Depression is not your husband's fault. It is treatable. Refusal to consider treatment is his fault -- that is, he does have control over that. If he won't do this for you, you have some hard decisions to make.
But first, seek treatment yourself.
No you don't.
I talked to my husbands son yesterday & he told me that as long as he can remember even during his childhood that if something didn't go right his father would always say he wanted to die & wished he was dead. This was a eye opener. I was no aware of this. My husband & I have been married for 15 years & I didn't know this. His son told me when his dad starts the "I wished I was dead" stuff that he tells him to get off that crap & doesn't feed into it.
I think everyone is right about fixing myself first. I need to learn to deal with this and put myself out of the situation instead of feeding into it by crying & begging him to believe how loved he is. Maybe, just leave home & go for a ride or something.
Thank you all for your help & any more help I can get. I will post updates on how this works.
God Bless
Has this been a lifetime thing, or has it come on fairly suddenly (after an accident, after a prolonged illness, inability to do many of the old things he used to?)?
Does he have a primary care physician that you can make an appointment with? That would be where I would start if it were me. You could call the doctor's office and discuss your concerns with them first. It may be that someone other than you (his sons or the doctor) can help him see how bad off he is, when he probably believes you have other intents. Most people that feel like they want to die actually believe the person they are closest to will be better off without them.
As a last resort, if he threatens suicide, call 911. He'll be terribly angry with you, but he may finally receive actual care.
The suggestions are going to help me to help my husband, I think.
Even though I have been told person's with Asperger's are not good candidates
for talk therapy, and medication in the past has just made him more silent,
I think it is time to get him to a psychiatrist again.
I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through, I know its not easy. I know its hard to be patient and supportive in this situation. I think your husband might be suffering from dementia, high blood pressure, diabetes, high cholesterol, or general age related depression.
My father was grumpy and it made it hard to help him. I don't know if you can get a doctor to come to the house to check on him. And if you can't, I hope you will get some help for yourself to help you cope. For myself, I wished I had sought out a support group or counselling, or tried to access more resources in the community for my dad. Thinking of you.
If you google this, you will see a long list. Part way down are two articles from psychcentral dot com, one in particular is about helping your husband. I would read those first.
My now deceased sister announced to the whole family one day, "My shrink says I'm probably bipolar". My mom, who has had a lifelong battle with depression replied, "Well who isn't ".
Mom and sis used to talk about suicide, don't want to live etc. we'd all get sucked in, OMG! NO! SO MANY PEOPLE LOVE YOU ETC...
It took me a long time to understand tough love.
LOTS OF PEOPLE LOVE YOU AND WED SURE MISS YOU BUT I DONT BLAME YOU IF YOU WANT TO END IT. ITS YOUR DECISION.
But I caution. Make sure you know they are bluffing, looking for attention and sympathy. I'm in no way a professional. I'm just relating my personal experience.
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