Recently a friend scolded me with "YOU CHOSE THIS" when venting frustration about taking care of my nearly 90 y/o mother with severe dementia. I've had my mom in my home for 11 yrs. I plan/hope to see this to the end even as hard as it is. I am so sick of those who say "IT'S GOD's WILL" or scold me for for doing it. call me damned if I do and damned if I don't.
Some of us truly have no choice but to put a parent in a facility. It is not for convenience . My mother would not allow any caregivers in the home . She would not bathe , change clothes , incontinence care , eat etc .She would not allow me to help her or do what I asked and she was not safe at home .
. I was told by the doctor the only thing that could be done was to put mom in a facility , that some people with dementia ( and in my mother’s case narcissism ) will never let family care for them or let anyone else in the house .
So there is that side that you haven’t considered. It was heartbreaking to put my mother in a home after promising that I would not. My mother could not understand why she had to leave her home and was devastated . I was criticized by my family members who never helped me all the years previous to it getting to this point . They were disinterested until my mothers money was going to a facility .
There are others who would have liked to keep a LO at home and had to place them for different reasons. Financial, health reasons etc .
Then there are those caregivers who are at the end of their rope and feel pressured to keep being the caregiver for fear of breaking a promise and/or being criticized for placing a parent and accused of having “no remorse “.
There are just as many , if not more , that criticize when someone places someone in a home ( without even knowing that perhaps there was no choice) than there are “ naysayers” .
Due to the stigma of placing someone in a home ….So long as someone sounds like they are at the end of their rope, I will remind that person that their life , physical and mental health matter and that they have a choice . I guess that makes me a naysayer .
Or, certainly, not a person who is mature through self-reflection and inner-work to be-come aware.
Do not engage with this person.
She isn't really your friend.
A friend would support you by UNDERSTANDING your situation, express (through awareness) empathy for the pain and sadness you feel not to mention the energy you expend / how tired you are).
As the saying goes, with friends like this, we don't need enemies.
Dump her. Surround yourself with people who have developed compassion and know how to extend that to others. This person is unable to do that.
And, who is SHE to SCOLD you?
Do not allow this relationship (and the dynamics of the relationship) to continue on like this. Tell her it isn't her place to 'scold' you or tell you what to do or how to do it ... and, if it feels right to you "mind her own business." And, if she isn't able to support you emotionally and psychologically to leave you alone.
This is up to you to do. She likely won't change as she won't know what you are talking about. She'll feel insulted and perceive you as 'the bad guy.' She won't get it.
You know, it's easy - really EASY - to be on the outside looking in. And, tell her that. Ask her: "Do you have ANY idea of what I go through - and have for years? caring for a mother who doesn't know me ... needs me 24/7... ?"
The key to maturity - emotional maturity - is being able to look at another person ('s situation) and step out of their own (little world) and feel for another (i.e., you). This ability takes inner work - first realizing inner work is needed.
She isn't there (let's say...) yet. God willing, she will be one day.
In the interim, tell her she is over-stepping her 'friendship' - and to (1) cease criticizing you (2) giving advice that isn't asked for ... (3) Leave you alone. In other words, if she cannot support you, leave you alone. That is support.
Reminds me of another phrase "adds insult to injury" - you have enough on your plate. Find an/other friend - with the ability / awareness to empathize with you and give you the support that is helpful. With self awareness, a stranger could provide support immediately. It really depends on the maturity and ability for another to extend compassionate understanding - and know what the word 'support' means. This 'friend' of yours doesn't understand / know this... yet.
And, truth be told, she may never get it. Elevate yourself to get the support that will support you. This is the inner work you need to do (detach from her, and it may be hard depending on the bond you feel you have with her). Still, letting go is hard. Change is hard. You do it for yourself and your own well-being ... so you can do the hard work you are doing for your mom.
Gena / Touch Matters
It's the best type of Therapy for All of us.
what they really mean is
they couldn’t possibly choose the other choices ………FOG .
I was caught up in my own loop for far too long. I seriously regret many things, not everything but a lot of things could have been handled differently.
I had choices but I would constantly tell myself that I didn’t have any other choice. Obviously, I was wrong.
We can’t change our past behavior but maybe we can enlighten others not to repeat the mistakes that we made.
After initially feeling 'how DARE she? I just need support!'...I stepped back and realized that she hadn't been really loving (she's not, ever) but she was RIGHT.
Ouch.
Sometimes we do just need to vent. And sometimes our friends should just listen. But they have breaking points, just like we do. My sister just let me know that I am a big girl and to grow up and deal with a situation that I cannot control one iota. And to stop talking about it.
I DIDN'T choose the situation I'm in, but I'm CHOOSING how I react and that is about the same, stress level wise.
So, I am going to journal. See my therapist. Do things for myself and give service in other areas.
I think we've ALL been in the place where we just want to blow up over the nonstop stress of our un-chosen or chosen involvement in someone's care--and we need to find ways to de stress so we don't go crazy.
Pick and choose the people who can handle the talk and lean on them. Also. think about how much you might be complaining about your situation. Maybe it IS time to take a step back, IDK, only YOU know how hard your life is.
I get a lot of advice that tells me to do this and that, and in my situation, I have ZERO (less than zero, really) control over anything that's going on.
You can always come here and vent as much as you want, and yes, you might get chewed out a little, but 90% of the people who take time to respond to you will be thoughtful and kind.
And, if your choice has been to have your mom in your home til the end, the God bless you with courage and strength to the end. (Trust me, I KNOW how hard this is.)
((Hugs))
The friend that scolded you, cannot relate to the hardships you are going through. As a result, he/she cannot provide the support that you desire.
Yes, you have chosen this path. However, like everything else in life, you desire the right kind of support for what you are going through. Try to find caregiver support in the Alzheimer's Association or the Parkinsons Association or any number of the support groups. Educate yourself on the type of memory loss that your Mom has. Each person is unique, however, these support groups will give you ideas and options and a place to vent.
In addition, see if you can take some time away from what you are doing with your Mom so that you can find humor is what is happening. Sometimes, watching other people with their problems, will give you ideas and help you better tolerate the lower times that goes with the chosen path.
((HUGS))
Unless they have been caregivers they will never understand your fatigue & frustrations.
I highly suggest hiring some help because I am very sure it is getting more difficult. You are entitled to a life and take care of your health.
I provided care for both of my parents and then my husband's aunt. They stayed in their homes with many caregivers & family support.
Now my husband's brother is gravely ill with pancreatic cancer.
It is beyond exhausting but people need support and help. Do the best we can.
I know that I have reached this point with certain people. It’s just not worth discussing a topic with them because I know that their mind is already made up.
I am not going to place an unfair burden upon myself for not being able to convince someone of not doing what I may feel is best for them. I accept that they have their own feelings and that they are responsible for their actions.
There are times when it may be best to keep our thoughts to ourselves.
When people are so broken that the least little criticism, well meaning or not will push them over the edge. I realize that their perception of reality may be skewed, so I don’t take their general comments personally. If someone attacks my character then I will defend my position.
They may not even realize that they have chased people away by running things into the ground. They are blind to their surroundings and only looking to vent. Or they are aware of things and don’t care if they offend others. They only care about if you have offended them.
Sometimes people in need of a shoulder to lean on will be able to discuss things with friends who will just listen, other times they’ll be confronted. It’s not necessarily a ‘right or wrong’ thing. It’s perfectly natural for us as individuals to have our own personal feelings on how things should be handled.
I have no desire to want everyone else in the world, whether they are family members, close friends, casual acquaintances, strangers or even my husband to think exactly like I do.
I certainly don’t want anyone to try to coerce me into feeling identically to how they feel.
I suppose that sometimes I wonder if speaking ‘our truth’ greatly affects others. Something to think about before we open our mouths to share our thoughts.
Hopefully, we can live in harmony regardless of whether we agree or not.
Well said. I'm a person who is a true believer in the wise old saying of:
'Least said soonest mended'.
There comes a time with certain kinds of people who like you said have 'run things into the ground and are blind their surroundings' to stop the venting and start with the honesty. As in being honest with themselves.
When these kinds of people finally do this, they make positive changes in their lives and how they go about the business of living them.
There's a fine distinction between venting and complaining and many people don't know this.
Venting is when a person needs to release some emotions they're having so they can get back to functioning in their life.
Complaining is the action of people who actually enjoy misery and love spreading it around.
I remember this old woman my grandmother was friends with when I was a little kid. They knew each other when they were kids back in the old country. I don't believe she ever experienced a positive moment of emotion in her life.
She hated her husband yet she lived with him for over 50 years.
She hated where she lived, but lived there for over 50 years until her death.
Being negative and miserable then complaining about it incessantly was the only thing she enjoyed.
God bless my grandmother because she was the only person who could stand her. Her own family couldn't stand her.
You are entitled to live your life as you wish.
Just remember that if you decide to share your thoughts with others they are entitled to their opinions too.
Maybe people are well meaning and maybe they aren’t. I don’t know your friends so I can’t say anything about their intentions.
Could your friend have been more thoughtful in her response or comments?
Maybe so, or perhaps there wasn’t anything offensive with the content of her response, but it was the tone in which she said it.
Be honest, haven’t we all done this before at some point in time? I know that I have.
I don’t intentionally try to hurt others but sometimes we have reached our limits of listening to the same thing over and over.
I may have snapped because I don’t feel well or that I had something on my mind that I am choosing not to share. I do apologize when I recognize that I could have been more patient or was unkind. My point is that none of us are perfect.
Hey, I understand how hard it is to be a full time caregiver. I had my mom in our home for 14 years. Before she moved in I had been driving back and forth to her house to care for her. I cared for my dad too.
I moved mom into our home because her home was destroyed in hurricane Katrina. Would I make the same decision all over again? Hindsight is 20/20. The short answer is Hell No! I loved my mom but it was too much to bear.
I don’t care if you are a NP, a doctor, whatever…one person cannot adequately do the job of an entire staff without paying a very high price.
If you are at peace with paying that price then do whatever you feel is best. It’s your decision to make.
When my mother was dying in a lovely ‘end of life’ hospice care home, she looked at me and cried. She was so sorry that I quit my job and turned my life upside down to care full time for her.
She felt as trapped as I did. She hated being a burden on us. Life can become very complicated and messy when we don’t have our own space.
Whatever you choose and whatever you are going through, I wish you peace and hope that you have support. I attended an in person support group for awhile. I saw a therapist. I vented on this forum. All were useful.
Take care of yourself. Always remember that no matter what promises that you made to yourself or others that if this gets to be too much you can find alternative solutions.
I promised my dad that I would always care for my mom. I wish that I had known that it doesn’t necessarily mean that I was the one that had to do the hands on care. Overseeing care is equally as important.
I figured a lot of things out when I decided to go to therapy. I was so heartbroken about mom losing everything in Katrina that all I wanted to do was to comfort her. It’s hard to be in the aftermath of an entire city that was ruined. New Orleans looked like a bomb went off after the storm.
I insisted that my mother move in with us. I truly believe that my mother would have been fine if I had made living with us a temporary solution until I found another place for her to live. Instead, here I was trying to divide my time between my husband, raising my children and caring for my mom. There were times when I nearly lost my mind!
My situation is a little bit different - some family members have not been at all supportive of me putting mom in AL after living with me for 7 years. They are getting the big silent treatment now. One is blocked. 2 I'll respond to, in as few words as possible. So DONE with that crappola.
My kid was upset when I told too much details about grandma's dementia examples. OK, that's her grandma and she just doesn't want to know. But a friend? I'd be hurt and probably angry too.
The thing is - if people have not cared for someone with X (dementia in my case), they have NO clue what they are talking about.
Sometimes a bit of brutal honesty helps move a stuck person to make a change . I know it has for me from friends as well as people on this forum . Making the lightbulb go on over my head I call it .
Being told I had choices when I thought I didn’t was huge . I’m grateful that sometimes the honesty was intentional because the friend truly was concerned and cared enough to try to encourage me to make a change .
I didn’t always assume they were fed up and scolding me.
Otherwise, let others know that it is hard to be caregiver to anybody with a progressive disease that can take years to reach finality. Ask your friends/family/others, "Would you say this if I had a child with a developmental disability or cared for a loved one with a terminal disease?" Remind them that care is care - no matter the circumstance. Ask for encouragement in places where people are there to cheer you on and give a shoulder to lean on or helping hand. Avoid talking about caregiving with those who are not supportive.
That work?
I did caregiving for 25 years and had a miserable time of it with my mother. I never complained or "vented" to my friends, family, or either of my husbands.
I vented to other caregivers or in a support group. That's the place for it.
No one wants to hear it. You've been in it for 11 years now and after that long a person can't help but turn into a martyr. That's a long time and if a friend tells you that you "chose" it, they're not lying.
You chose to be the caregiver to your mother with severe dementia. You chose to move her into your home. You continue to choose to keep her there and to be her caregiver.
You have choices and there are other options. She can be put into a memory care facility.
You choose to keep her in your home and care for her yourself.
Don't get me wrong. There's nothing wrong with choosing to do it yourself. You don't owe anyone an explanation for why you chose to do it or why you continue to do it.
You wouldn't owe anyone an explanation if you placed her in memory care either.
I'm going to give you a good bit of advice here. I consider it my personal mantra and I live my life by it.
-Don't explain and don't complain.
Try it. I think it will do you good.
As for the need to "vent". Find a support group to do that in. Do it here. The forum here is a support group. Vent away.
Don't put it on your friends though.
When I went through a divorce and that is all I talked about, my friends who had never been through one were supportive at first but got tired of hearing about it after a while. They can't relate.
After all, I have had several friends vent to me - ad infinidum - about their unhappy marriages and their lousy spouses. I have a wonderful spouse, and a great marriage, but that doesn't prevent me from lending an ear. And they can always leave their marriage, right? But I don't think it's being a friend to point that out to them, because they all know they can leave. They choose not to, for whatever their personal reasons, and some of those reasons are really good ones. I listen, I offer advice if they ***actively*** seek it; but I also get that sometimes they just need to have someone listen to their complaints without comment or judgement. I think that's what friends do for each other.
I could say the same about people complaining about their rotten children or their crappy jobs or their obnoxious in-laws or problem neighbors, etc. In fact, most of the things we vent about are things that are able to be changed.
One, if you want to keep taking care of your mom, then do so. And don't let ***anyone*** try to make you feel "less than" because of the choice you made, nor let them make you feel as though you somehow lost your "right" to complain and vent because you "chose" this. Because often in caregiving, your description of "damned if you do and damned if you don't" is spot on.
(((hugs)))
My daughter is an RN and for the passed 27 years has mainly worked in Long-term care. She has already told me that she will not be caring for me 24/7 and thats OK. She has tried other jobs, in her profession, because she got burned out. But caring for people 8 hrs a day means you can go home and get away from the residents/patients. But when you care for someone 24/7 with no life of your own, no way to wind down and no support, its not the same thing. As a NP you did your 8 hrs a day and went home. You saw your patient and sent them on their way. You being an NP may give u an edge, but does not mean you won't suffer the same burnout as those that are layman. Dementia is like having an adult toddler only a toddler grows up. The adult's needs only worsen.
making the choice that is right for you. Maybe that friend will come back to you one day, maybe not. Take care of yourself.
ASK FOR HOSPICE EVALUATION!!
my mom graduated out of hospice 3 times..
the third time she went to Heaven 😌🙏😇😌
I miss her. But she is liberated from the earthly body.
Get some part time help in, or find a 6 pack close to you. I had my LO’s within a 5 minute drive from me. Mom n my dads sis were in the same 6 pack. I could bring them treats, play music, read to them. It was almost perfect.
so you have just your mom. Tour facilities close to you. Do have a meal there, and talk with director, it doesn’t seem like mom will be doing activities, but see what they offer for a person with your moms issues.
if you go to a 6 pack, see if the residents are out in living room area, and how they serve meals. Activities , music, smell the air, do you smell good food, clean house, or something else?
Just look into some places close to you. This will give you perspective as to what you are doing now is the right path.
If you live near a college town, perhaps allow a student who is taking nursing courses to stay in your home, and help out with mom in exchange for rent.
things to think about… im
probsbly one of many who suggested this..,
just go out and look at facilities.. you will get your answer.
if yiu need to vent, vent here..it’s a good forum.
I was a caregiver for 25 years and this is the first time I'm hearing the term 'six-pack' in regard to care facilities.
Outside of this group, we are all just soaking wet blankets when it comes to talking about this to people who have not experienced it.
Your friend is giving you the perspective of an outsider. She sees what you don't. Figure out how you can make your life a bit easier so you can cope a bit better.
Just make sure your commitment to seeing this through doesn't destroy your life in the process.
All the best.
My friends were thoughtful and would ask me how my mother was doing. I would give short cryptic answers such as, ‘She’s the same.” I would even say that I didn’t want to talk about it and I was grateful that they didn’t pry or push me into speaking about it.
maybe this is part of the issue? Msybe your friend knows you need a break.
my cousin finally placed his mom into a board n care. It’s a 6 pack, 2 caretakers and 6 residents in a residential home modified for elderly people. Anyway, his mom didn’t even know she was in a different home. She loved it.
Perhaps your scolder friends ,who tell you that you chose this , are trying to tell you it’s been long overdue for a change . You crossed over from helping your mother to living in hardship .
As far as the ones who say , it’s God’s will, that’s BS . A good God would not want you to suffer .
Maybe you are the solo cook, cleaner, all the care staff, activities coordinator, accountant & manager.
Or maybe you have delegated some of these tasks & have a team of people coming in & out.
"I plan/hope to see this to the end even as hard as it is".
People not understanding your choices, your values, becoming unsympathetic to your cause.. may cause loss of friendships, increase your own isolation.
This may become part of your hardship.
I lost friends and family over caregiving as well . It is isolating .
The caregiving has to work for both the caregiver and caregivee. After 11 years an advanced dementia I believe this
caregiver needs her own life back . She has no life . But that’s my opinion .
It’s her choice , she’s choosing hardship .
There is another alternative , to be her daughter and advocate without giving up so much of her own life .