How can I help my husband cope?

you simply must learn to avoid reasoning or argueing with a dementia patient. they talk in circles that will only result in you getting bent out of shape. my mom was hallucinating once and seeing people all over the front and back yards. i told her as long as theyre not coming in here messing with us we wont worry about them. telling her the people didnt exist would only have frustrated and agitated her. its not easy to learn but it can be done.

I'd suggest that your husband find the time to learn more about dementia. In his case, it's doubly hard, because his mom (by the sound of it) has always been strong willed and argumentative. However, now that she's been diagnosed with dementia, old behavior on his part needs to be changed.

Arguing with a person who has dementia just makes matters worse. The Alzheimer's Association has a terrific brain "tour" on their site that can really help people understand what is happening to their parent or spouse's brain. The organization also helps counsel and educate people and offers enormous support.

Both of you would do well to spend a lot of time on www.alz.org and take advantage of the education. Knowing how to handle the person who has dementia can go a long way toward making life more bearable for everyone.
Good luck,
Carol

Well firstly let me say that he is very lucky to have you and how supportive you are. My mum has dementia and ive learned to TRY and avoid arguments as youre wasting your time you cannot win just agree and keep telling yourself that shes ill and she dosnt know what shes saying TRY not to take things personally I know its tough VERY tough but if he can accept her comments as just her illness then its a bit easier to switch off from a little. My mum is just like her and its very hard as shes been like this all her life but is now getting worse and aggressive. My mum also refuses to go into care and insists shes ok on her own and that she dosnt want help from anyone?? thats fine for her BUT the things she is doing,she is not safe on her own I am ill with worry as I cant stay here much longer and want to move 3hrs away BUT she does not want to come with me? She is adamant that she will stay in her home until she dies? His mum like mine is losing her independence and the more he does the more she will argue best he just agrees for now and get him to learn all he can about this illness the more I tell myself she dosnt know what shes doing or saying the easier I cope!! I walk away if she gets angry do something else then come back and she may have forgotten? I live with my mum so its everyday which isnt easy your husband is doing his best keep telling him this and that its not his fault she is ill! Hope this helps hes very lucky I wish I had a partner here to support me!

Thanks for your comments. I got a call today from one of her friends that they and another friend couldn't get her all day and couldn't go to check on her. I called and just got a busy signal. I don't know what's up with the phone. I called for a wellness check and I am sure she wil not forgive me having the police come check on her for as long as she remembers it. (Which I hope is not long, but seeing it's negative it may stick.) My husbands plan is to let her do as she wants until something bad happens, then deal with it. Her doctor actually suggested this.

Skinonna -
I think that's what it takes sometimes. We can just hope that it's something "just bad enough" to get her attention.

Update: Monday's doctor's visit proved interesting. My husband conveyed that her "living situation needs to change, but she does not need 24 hour care." He indicated he felt that meant she could stay in her home and someone could come to check on her. She answered the dr.'s questions indicating she thinks it's 2003 and her granddaughter is 12 (she's 36 and visited her not long ago with her husband and children and visits via Skype and calls weekly). Well, my husband recorded the visit which I later listened to. Repeatedly the dr. stated it is no longer safe for her to live alone. My husband did not seem to grasp this even though clearly stated. She can have someone live with her, move in with family or move to assisted living. The only option she wants is for my husband to leave me and come live with her. And he said "That's not going to happen." We have a home large enough to accomodate her with her own room and bath. And now just face the logistics of getting her here against her wishes. I have a plan....But first I require a little remodeling be done to make it a bit more convenient. We have decided she can stay with us until she cannot safely do stairs or becomes incontinent and then she will go to a care facility. This should be fun....He's really not getting it and isn't doing well. The doctor interrupted him when he was speaking with his mother and told him to stop trying to get her to reason, because she is not able to. Just tell her what is going to happen and if she wants to stew about it, so be it. He also said she has to give up her license when winter comes or he will make a call so she will be required to retest and they will take her license away. And so the story goes.....Any ideas or suggestion will be appreciated and carefully considered. I am about to become a full time caregiver to someone who really does not like me....

Well, the dr has states she shouldn't live alone.

I would suggest to husband that he hire (vis moms finances) some in home care however many hrs you can afford. Hire a reputable agency with a good contract that outlines care needs, duties, hrs, etc. suggest that everyone tries this for a couple months and sees how this works out.

Tell husband that your mom needs more skilled care than the two of you can provide and you want to respect moms wishes to retain her independence and remain in her home a little longer. This will work to your advantage while getting you off the hook.

He can still visit one or twice a month to see how things are going. Hopefully mom has the finances to afford.

In the meantime, take it upon yourself to research and visit some AL or memory care facilities nearby. Narrow down and then pick one or two that are a good fit and ask hubby to visit with you and meet with director. Let him see how great they are and how much they have to offer to your moms quality of living and meeting new friends her age in a new place. Give him some time to warm up to it and then he can help mom to adjust to the idea.

Good luck. If you aren't comfortable with mom moving in...then don't do it! I know I won't let my mom move in because I know I won't be happy doing it and it won't be the quality time I want to be able to spend with her as a daughter not a caregiver. I tell her I love her and will work to help her adjust to a home nearby but not live with us.

Bless your heart for willingness to take your mother-in-law in your house, however I would strongly advise to give it a good thought. The way she is now, is going to place a tremendous stress on your life, your family life, etc. It will take a toll on you; are you ready?

I would advise to look into the alternatives. Specialized facility? Day care? You might want to chose the one that's closer to where you live, so that you can visit her there. As her condition progresses, you might find yourself in a position of not being able to provide a 24/7 care. Think about it. JMO.

Amazing advice from all of you. And yes - do not take his mom into your home. In this case it just won't work. You two need to take care of yourselves and your marriage as well as his mom. That likely means some type of assisted living, so now is the time to research.
Carol

Skinnona, please give us an update.

So far things are continuing as they have for the past 7 months. We drive to her house on Sunday and drive home on Monday night. Try to make sure everything is in place for the week during which her friends check in with her, try to get her out of the house and call me if they have any concerns. Since we both are self employed this compresses our work, home maintenance, and everything else from a 7 day week to a 5 day week. Seeing we are both in our sixties it is challenging to say the least. Our income has been reduced and our expenses greatly increased. I have a hard time finding time to spend with my 2 granddaughters who absolutely light up my life. I have asked my husband how do to plan on dealing with....assorted scenerios and he just says he has given it no thought. This from a man who makes me crazy with this attention to detail when planning. I think this is the greatest stressor...he has no plan and doesn't even think of one except "I guess, she'll have to come live with us." UGH! I think he dreads the idea more than I do and is paralyzed.

No, taking her in to your house will make her even more resentful. Find her a memory care facility near your house. You can still visit her, take her for a ride, out to lunch, but she will have her own "territory" and 24/7 supervision. She may soon go into the wandering phase and you can't be up all night for that.

skinonna, I'm glad you have realized that your husband is in denial and is using an avoidance technique. Since avoiding tough situations won't work in the long run, getting support for both you and him is important, I agree with other posters that the Alzheimer's Association is a great source for all kinds of help. Can you find a support group near you that works into your schedule?

I'm glad you are there for your husband--he is very lucky to have you, but I think he needs to step up now and make some hard decisions. Could you make out a list of things that need to be done and decisions that need to be made and have him choose 2-3 items to start working on? Meanwhile, can you hire someone to help with the maintenance and shopping so you can cut your visits to every other week? It would do both of you good to have every other weekend back and you could enjoy your grandchildren.

If she is adamant about not moving out, you will need help in determining when she is not safe enough to make that decision and how you will get her into a facility against her wishes. If I read your post correctly, her doctor suggested waiting until something bad happens? In my opinion, that something "bad" might be something really bad, so I wouldn't want to wait that long.

I'm happy you realize that having your mother in law move in with you is not a good solution. Please do not feel guilty about that! Good luck and please keep us posted.

Update: I had to work last week so husband went by himself. Although he said everything went ok, he came home looking like he had been dragged through the wringer. I got in touch with the local organization what provides services to the elderly and arranged to have someone come in 4 days a week midday to try to make sure MIL gets one hot nourishing meal a day, some companionship and a wellness check. MIL has told me she won't allow such a thing, but am going to give it a try. Soon will have to take the car away and this will also give her transportation. Turns out the lady they are sending went to high school with my husband. I think I will tell MIL she is an old acquaintance, but have no idea how this will work. What has your experience been? Will meet with this person Monday. Kind of nervous.

I think it's a good idea to tell your MIL that it's an old friend. Worth a try.

Thanks for the update skinonna. I've been praying for you and your husband.

I hope your MIL will allow this help; in my case when the County Health Dept. called my mom she refused all services; when the Dept. of Human Services called about her Medicaid application, she denied needing them. Fortunately they called me as I was listed on the application as helping her fill it out and I got her application reinstated. We are in the middle of the 30 day period where Medicaid approves or denies the application; there is no reason for Medicaid to deny her, but if she refuses help, we are in trouble. Right now, she's agreed to accept the Lifeline service which is all she needs to do to qualify for the Elderly Waiver. My sister and I keep reminding her that she agreed to accept the Lifeline to give us peace of mind. Thankfully, she is not mean, just stubborn and doesn't realize how much help she really needs. Once we get her on the Waiver, we hope to start adding services little by little.

It was good for you to have the weekend "off." It's sad when working at our jobs is more relaxing than having the weekend off, but I'll bet it's true for most of us who actually have the luxury of being part-time caregivers.

Has your husband looked into finding someone to take care of the yardwork and maintenance? Can he do the financial stuff long distance twice a month?

Most importantly, though, is your mother in law safe in her situation? And if the answer is no, do you have a back up plan in place? Again, best wishes and please keep us posted.

Update: "neighbors" the local elder care organization arranged for a very nice woman who happened to be in my husband's class to visit and assigned her to go to MIL for an hour or two four days a week.
MIL was very nice to her. We introduced her as husband's classmate, she's on the commitee arranging the 50th class reunion. All true. She asked MIL if she could come back tomorrow and was told yes.
And as soon as she left the questions and complaints started. "I'm too busy to have her coming here!" What's her angle?" We explained that just like my MIL's brother checks on an older lady this woman visit older people to make sure they are ok. I do not have warm fuzzy feelings about this working out, but we'll see.
Tried to tell her a lot of people care about her and are concerned about her welfare. And her response was basically that they could mind their own business. She is all full of spit and vinegar.
She showed up this morning in a nightie that was see through, much to my husband's dismay and I got her a robe to cover up. Her repsonse to my cheery "Good morning" was "what's good about it?" So I told her she needed to go back to bed and get up on the right side. And listed the first 1/2 dozen good things that quickly came to mind. UGH!!!! How do you all stand it day in and day out.

I think you are both being very responsible in the way you are dealing with MIL. I absolutely agree that you not take her into your home you will never get any work done for one thing and your income will suffer even more and expenses. increase. If she can be moved to a memory care unit close by you could have her spend the odd week end with you. That is if you don't think it will be too disrupting. Don't start anything you can't continue.

I am experienced with this condition: Your husband has to not take her behavior personally. It will work if he learn to live in his mom's mind believe what she is saying because she knows in her mind what she is talking about, I seen this to be very annoying from some family members. Mom is not trying to intentionally get on the family nerves, but she thoughts in her own mind, she is not crazy but she has gone in a time of her life when something was going on that you guys don't know about. Mom will sometimes repeat things over and over, just be kind and with some patience with her. If that is too much maybe hiring an experience care taker where the family will have time away from mom to have a break.Work with her bring old memories around her and talk with her about those memories, take her for a walk maybe up the street or around the block but make the thought in her mind somewhere she talks about just remember live in her mind ask her what year is it and you can get a good idea what memories to introduce to her. She may get to the point of calling her son dad or even her dead husband, be him talk with her the way he did, she really don't think you are him she just see an image of a male. She may talk her daughter in law like you are her mother or any female that was in her life just live it with her for that moment and this will start to ease everyone's mind, but I think research is still the key.
Good Luck and keep supporting mom she doesn't mean any harm :-)

Update: Companion/caregiver has made a valiant effort to befriend MIL. With limited success. MIL still complains she comes ("I don't need to be checked up on. she's a pain in the A**") But at least there are eyes on her everyday. Since my husband is not ready to participate in staying with her on a daily basis should she move in with us, that is on hold. Looking to have her see geriatric psyciartrist to see if maybe some meds could mellow her out so she would be a bit more manageable before she really hurts herself. Legally we can't make her do anything yet. She's pretty out of control and has no idea. Spends hours edging the lawn with a knife. It really does look very neat. Neighbors have noticed. Then she's dehydrated, exhausted, confused.....

The continuing saga: MIL still resents being looked in on by caregiver. Told my daughter this week her life is private and she doesn't want anyone interferring not even her son! Very resentful that he made her go for an iron infusion because once again she is extremely anemic. He has told me that through the years, when he would call her regularly he would suggest we come visit and was always met with a "not this week" for many assorted reasons, all purported to be for our benefit. How sad he has a mother who really never wanted him around after he left her and married me. Or maybe she just didn't want me around. My heart breaks for him. I am ready to just let her be. Her anemia will eventually have serious effects, land her in the hospital, and I doubt they would let her go back home alone. Still haven't been able to get her PCP to set up appointments with psychiatrist/psychologist since the one he recommended is not taking new patients. With cooler weather she has moved the bulk of her activity inside and Is now scrubbing things...Basement floor...kitchen range....Same things over and over. Is this behavior dementia or some other kind of mental condition? Any comments?

I am thinking - she might try to deal with her depression? Role changing? As long as this keeps her fairly happy, I would leave it well alone for now. Just as long as she is safe.

Do you think you can research about a local psychologist/psychiatrist on your own? Those referred to aren't always knowledgeable, I don't know how to put this better, but some doctors come with an attitude.

Update: Husband went by himself this weekend. He always has her drive to her Dr.'s appts and then tells me what a good driver she is. But not this time. She stopped while crossing a 4 lane bridge and then stopped in the middle of an intersection. He said she was just upset about something so not driving like her usual self. I took me at least 3 attempts to get him to understand that the problem was not that she was upset and not driving like her usual self, but that she had no idea she was not driving well, she thought everything was just fine. I asked why he did not take her keys. He said he feels when she is not upset she will drive well again. Again, how do I get him to deal?????
In two weeks she has a PCP appt. and on the last visit the Dr. told her she has to give up her license or he will call the RMV and they will take it. I expect big fallout from that one!
I am trying to make it clear that although she can come stay with us, I will not be her caretaker. He will have to quit working or at least cut back and take care of her. I will do my part, but I will not do his.

Hi, skinonna, sounds like you are still stuck in a tough situation. This is just my opinion, but from reading from the beginning of your post until this last one, I haven't read anything that makes me think having your mother in law move in with you is a good idea; not for you and not for her.
I do feel that much of your frustration is in having a husband who is being passive-aggressive in his behavior. I'm passive-aggressive myself, and I know how much I can resent things after they happen, even when I was not brave enough to say NO in the first place. '
I think you should tell your husband NO, his mother is not moving in with you; you will help him find a nice facility either near you or near where she lives now, but NO she is not physically moving into your house.
If she really does lose her license from the RMV (DMV?) at least you and your husband are not being the bad guys in that case. But if she doesn't, your husband needs to take her keys away before someone gets hurt! If he's not brave enough to have that discussion, you may have to start the discussion but make it very clear to him that he needs to back you up, no questions asked, no waffling, no "she will be fine."
If she refuses to move out of her house, then really you will have to decide if you need to get Protective Services involved.
Stay strong, skinonna!

It will be HELL if this woman moves in with you. Stevesmom is correct. Save your husband (and you!) from himself.

Update: The car keys came home with us last weekend. My husband "forgot" them in his pocket. Called her as soon as we got home and apologized. Unfortunately he will "forget" them at our home this week when we return. Now that he put her Aricept in with the rest of her meds and she has been taking it regularly, she seems a bit better. Last weekend although confused, was not quite as anxious and negative as has been the norm. I really don't know what is going on with her. Everything moving towards full geriatric eval within the next few weeks, and hopefully a plan. Bought a "nanny cam" to help determine how things are when we aren't there. Also someone checks on her every day. Her ADL's are quite good. And so far except for forgetting where the light switches are sometimes, she seems to be quite content at home. Know this won't last. But a little breather for the moment. His explanation for his lack of action is that he wants her to enjoy as much independence as possible for as long as possible because this is so very important to her. BTW her living trusts states that it is her desire to remain in her home as long as possible and that she will pay for help if it becomes necessary. My husband and I at this point agree, it is not the time to move her yet. But we need to get her to accept help.

My mom has Dementia you have to let it go my mom gets angry and wants to argue so I let her know I care and I agree with her if I don't she gets mad and she gets more upset if bshe doesn't bcalm down I just tell her I lpve her and it hurts me when you get upset with me and I walkn away or change the subject ask n=her for help on something or ask if she would like to take a walk or watch a movie she needs to get out of her mood or what shes thinking

Whoa! Just hang on. Dementia does not give anyone the green light to ignore every wish the sufferer expresses. My first thought matched Captain's (not for the first time) - your MIL has dementia and your husband is trying to reason with her? Well that's a hiding to nothing if ever I heard of one. But my second is that on the most contentious points your MIL seems to be wholly consistent. She's always been strong-willed (does that by any chance run in the family, ahem?); she insists she will never leave her home; she repeats that she doesn't require the frequent visits; she correctly(?) points out that she's not doing anyone any harm (and long may that continue). Unless she changes her mind, starts saying she wants to move "back" to the Pentagon or otherwise loses her grip on those matters, then I'm afraid you're going to have to take her word for it.

Look, she doesn't have to have the capacity to come up with a reasoned argument for things (let alone the killer argument that will once and for all convince her son that She is Right and He is Wrong - and I've gone a few rounds of that with my own lovely lad) to prove that she has still got sufficient capacity to know where she is and what she wants. She retains the right to have her life arranged as she likes it, as far as that can be ascertained and accommodated (accommodated does not necessarily mean accommodated by you two). I get a bit of a feeling that your husband's battle to move her to a place of safety, while in itself a good cause, may however also be the continuation of a lifelong war. This looks like a battle royale of wills, to me the outsider anyway.

I hope your husband is not tempted, not even for good reasons, to use the dementia as a bunker-buster. All is NOT fair in love and war.

Why are you flogging yourselves up there once a week if she doesn't want you to? It's not often enough to prevent risk, and it's far too often for a 400 mile round trip. It sounds like a sacrifice your lovely husband is making to demonstrate that he loves his mother. Clearly he loves her and worries about her. But the sacrifice is futile, and from his mother's point of view - as far as one can tell - uncalled for.

She "provokes arguing behaviour with him…" Less so when you are there. Mm-hm. And you're sure that when you're not there to referee it isn't six of one and half a dozen of the other?

I think this question has trodden on my corns because, aged 50 and with a wonderful, loving, caring and newly married 30 year old son, I'm imagining being in your MIL's position. My son is my first born. I adored him from birth and still do. But from the time he was physically and verbally able to dispute my authority - i.e. aged 0 - he did exactly that. We can't be alone or in intimate social circles together for more than a couple of hours without the fur flying. Clash of personalities? Hmm, not sure: a client I was on the phone to once overheard the tail end of a "lively" discussion between us - which I closed with "Alexander will you STOP arguing!" - and drily commented "Yes, I can't think who he gets it from." Perhaps it's more that identical personalities can clash very hard indeed.

But your question, of course, is: how can you help him? Well. Somehow, you have got to get him to delegate the house maintenance, practical tasks, safety issues and personal care to people who can support her in her own home. Because that's what she wants, and from what you describe I can't see you've grounds for overruling her. Then you call her, you visit her, you send her clippings and photos and post cards, you take her out on her birthday, invite her to clan gatherings, you build good close relationships with her support network, etc.; and you encourage your husband to treat her more like an individual, a little bit less like the mother he loves but cannot ever hope to convince.

Bring her to live with you? Forget it! You'd go insane; and what on earth makes you think that would be ok with your MIL? Don't you dare. It would be hell for you as a couple, and an outrage to her right to autonomy WHICH SHE HAS NO MATTER HOW CRACKPOT SHE GETS. It's your job to support her in exercising it as she gradually loses the capacity to do so, not to strip her of it for her safety and your - ha! - peace of mind.

What more can you do to help him? Again, discourage exhausting sacrificial trips; encourage celebratory and social ones. Comfort, sympathise, research that support network, and make the tedious calls. But also, see if there are aspects of his mother's personality that you genuinely rather like, and share your enjoyment of those with him. Praise them to him (caveat: praise them to him only if they aren't aspects that regrettably get right up his nose, of course). And the saddest bit, prepare him for the long, hard, slow letting go he will all too soon have to face.

He sounds like a lovely man. She must have got something right! And a lucky man, having you to help him. I'll wish for things to go easy on you all xxx

Yikes!!! Missed the update oh I'm so sorry. But it sounds very good indeed, and I'm glad, and I'm now much happier. Hope progress continues this well xxx

Update: We've come a long way since post in August. Today was traumatic. She was told she cannot drive unless she can pass an evaluation by the Registry of Motor Vehicles. She begged, cried and cursed to get her keys back. Poor husband was overwhelmed but firm. In the am we all went to geriatric eval. Dr. basically said we were handling things for her well in line with her written and legally established desires. Didn't really give a lot of insight, but was good to have some reassurance. She was amazing with how "with it" she was, but after about an hour or so it started to fall apart. Dr. will consult with PCP about new meds she will suggest she start on to help to "level out her moods." Hmm, let's so how that works. Keep trying to 'granny proof" her house as much as possible while still letting her do the kinds of things she likes to do. Installed motion activated camera to have an idea of what goes on when we are not around.