How can I help my husband cope?
How do I help my husband cope with his mother's dementia? She is a strong willed otherwise fairly healthy 88 year old. She provokes "arguing" behavior with him. He spends one night a week at her home since we live almost 200 miles away. If I am with him she is less likely to "argue." She lives alone and insists that she will never leave her house. She will nag him for hours with "I don't want you coming all this way. I don't need you to come. I am not hurting anyone." If I am there I tell her she is hurting him by saying these things to a loving, caring wonderful son and let's talk about something else. That is usually enough to make her settle down, but if not, she just keeps hearing the exact same thing from me. He tries to reason with her, point out why she needs assistance. She fights back and this can last for hours. He comes home mentally, emotiionally and physically (he takes care of her yard and maintenance as well as all financials) exhausted. Any suggestions on how he might deal with this?
He's not seeing it and probably isn't going to see it. Continue to be calm and repetitive with both of them and hope for the best. Be as clear as you can with him on your part in it and don't give in. It's fine if you state there are certain ways in which you'll help but I just mean that your idea that he has to organize her care is something I think you're going to have to be firm about. I have to wonder if he's really clear on what that's going to take.
Either that or the classic men's rule of "when all else fails, read the manual"?! Or, as you say, stress and fatigue making him impatient with working it out. Hope things start to ease up for you both soon.
let him take the reins for the time being and before too long he will be in desperate need of your support. For now just be there for him and keep the "I told you so" to yourself
No you don't. This will pass. See 6 posts above!
Today she was bringing a plastic of trash to the basement to burn in the stove and he got angry when I took it away because I don't thinks she should be lighting fires.
So he went over the edge with me. I am so done with this. When I say it's time to do something, he tells me to be quiet because I don't know what will happen. For the past year, everything I said was coming down the pike has occurred!
I feel he can move out anytime and go live with her!!!!!
I work hard to maintain a positive attitude in spite of life's difficulties and these two sure put that to the test! It's like how to stay dry in a downpour. Anyways I have plans for the next 2 weeks, so I won't be going with him on the weekly visits to the Twilight Zone.
I am beginning to wonder which one has the biggest problem. And he's mad at me all the time. Her doc says vitamin E will help. I think he's delusional too. I feel like I live in the Twilight Zone.
OH, she went to take a driving test. Couldn't pass the eye exam because she couldn't follow the instruction to lean into the machine. Couldn't past the written exam and was too anxious to take the road test...So...guess what? they gave her a temporary license with the restriction that someone needs to ride with her..any volunteers?
Did she, by George?! Gotta love 'em. Think you won that one, no? :)
Most people who act badly are in some kind of pain. Too many of them are stubborn and refuse treatment.
Encourage him to get on Prozac or whatever the doctor recommends. Tell him it is like getting a flu shot. The drugs help you to endure the hard times. When the hard times are over, he can stop. (My personal hard times will never be over, but that's just me. One 20 mg generic prozac for the rest of my life makes Jinx a calm girl.)
If he's resistant, get him to come here and we'll convince him. He is suffering, and he could be suffering less.
Love, Jinx the pill pusher
We are quite aware that she does not want to live with us. Although she did think it a good idea my husband leave me and move in with her. When we got married over 40 years ago she basically told him choose her or me. Not such a good thing to do. She has taught me so many lessons of what not to do. But that is just one side of her, she has done many good things in her life. And no on deserves this horrible disease. So we want to take care of her as best we can, but will not give up our lives completely for her care. If her friend feels compelled, I think I will have her sign a contract for care and leave it at that.
Word to the wise: when MIL tells you and husband that she does want to live alone, she means she doesn't want to live with you. No I can't see how you (or especially he) can avoid taking that personally, either; but it does let you off the hook. Let the sentiment be mutual and count a blessing!
So when's the driving test? It'll be a relief to have that one behind you.
Do forgive me, but I have to chuckle at the thought of meds to make MIL (and similar) "a bit more agreeable…" If they've got round to bottling this magic potion, can you let me know the brand name straight away please?! Best wishes for 2014.
The things she does with others is becoming increasingly limited. For instance her sister (age 93, drives a standard jeep) would pick up her and her trash for a biweekly outing to the landfill. Her sister told her that she needs to get a trash hauler as she no longer knows what she can and can't put in the landfill. We will bring all trash home with us from now on.
As far as making her happy, she recently told me "you know I am not a happy person." So the object is to try to abide by her wishes, until she changes her mind. Not much chance of that!
One day at a time. I do not think she will ever move in with us because by the time she must leave her home, she will need 24 hour care, which we cannot provide.
This issue is so very hard to deal with because we value safety and autonomy. When a loved one reaches the point of having impaired judgment, it's not easy to decide what to do.
When I get older (not that I'm old now, oh no), I will never agree to a camera installed in my place, no matter what a doctor says. I have a right to refuse treatment after all. And if I can't stay home safely, then I either get some help at home or else off I go to a NH, but hope this will never happen. Don't we all.
One day when I arrived she had hauled a old rickety saw horse out of the basement and was going to climb on it to replace a light bulb. She does not assess risk properly and cannot figure out the safest way to do things. She had a nice safe step ladder only a few feet from the light. This geriatric physician told us most elders with her condition die because of repeated injuries. And she said it will happen to her. However, we are trying to keep her relatively safe while allowing her to do what she wants which involves some risk. We are just trying to minimize it.
As I age I hope I will agree to things that will make my children's life at least bearable since I know they love me and will do all they can. I make a point to ask their opinion and advice now hoping this will help me remember to do the same as I age. If they feel I need to watched, they would probably be right.
The camera part doesn't sit well with me, although I do understand you wish well. I am in my early 60's, am fairly healthy & independent, save for my arthritis. But of course, am headed THAT way, like the rest of us. And when I am THERE, I would be very uncomfortable to find out that my daughters installed a camera to have an idea of what's going on when they are not around. I value my privacy, very much so.
If and when your MIL ends up in a home, she wouldn't be closely watched every single minute, but wouldn't have a camera watching her, either. I can assure you of that. She wouldn't be able to wander outside, though.
Do you see early signs of dementia in your husband?
If you both feel this is the case there would be no harm in getting an expert opinion. When we were in our 60s we both went ahead and got POA for each other with eldest daughter as the alternate. The current situation is certainly a great stress for both of you. My husband is also at risk for dementia and does have difficulty accomplishing what were simple tasks like changing an electric plug which I could still do but he does not trust me. He can not take care of mail or bill paying and has difficulty understanding simple concepts and argues that I am talking in circles. So I don't know but the kids assure me it is not me so there you go.
I actually worked till I was 68 and my only problem was increasing OA But I have found that as one gets older suddenly health issues begin to multiply and quickly gather speed. I hope you find a solution for your MIL and it does not take an accident to force your hand.
The way things seem to be developing, everything your mil feared is coming to pass PLUS it is painting you and your husband into a very tight corner. Elders who have no relatives manage somehow; your mil can manage without you - especially if that continues consistently to be her stated wish. Let service providers do the donkey work of security and protection and negotiating in-home care - all the bits that drive you mad and are difficult to manage at a distance - and you're off the hook. All the best x