How can I help my husband cope?

From the view point of an elder with adult children (all over 40) I would not be too thrilled to have my home "granny proofed" let alone find that I was being spied on with a hidden camera. I have many health issues and am very careful but even so do fall, the last time being in the home of my daughter who has a beautifully remodeled home. During the remodel I had mentioned many times the need for safety rails in the bathrooms but that did not fit the image, the result being that I fell backwards into the tub because there was absolutely nothing I could grasp. The only thing hurt was my pride and my bones are strong from a very active life and I am still agile enough to get myself out of the tub. She is willing to purchase a house close to her so that we can be closer if we need assistance. After my last visit it became clear to me that I did not want this kind of supervision at this time. We did look at a house which would have been fine but she was fussing about moving the laundry from a spacious laundry room in the basement to a closet on the upper level because she thought I should not have to manage the stairs. #1 I liked the big laundry room and #2 with my health issues exercise keeps me healthy. I told her that if I was at the stage where I could not do laundry in the basement that house would be too much for me to manage. She also told me I would not need a lawnmower for the half acre yard as I would no longer be mowing. Again good exercise in the fresh air. I have a walk behind self propelled gas mower with a battery start. We purchased that because I do not have the strength to start things with a pull cord. Last summer I mowed our much larger current yard which takes about 2+ hours on a lawn tractor. I am not ready to give up but I can do it in manageable bites. One thing I do find really too much to manage is coping with overnight guests, planning and serving meals and the noise and confusion. I say all this because your MIL may simply find your visits too tiring and worrying. I am still of sound mind (in my view anyway) and if I get pain from my O/A I take a rest or if my Afib starts to flutter I stop for the day and don't restart till my heart beat is regular again. Now your MIL may have some mental impairment which of course makes the issues more complicated but on her level of functionality she still has the same feelings. Try making a visit and just use the time to visit with her and take her out for lunch. I stress lunch because many elders are tired by dinner time but appreciate lunch. Ask her if there is anything she needs doing and offer to do things you notice like changing light bulbs. You can certainly clean the bathroom after you use it but try to leave the house alone if she does not want it done and it is not healthy. Encourage a housekeeping service but don't insist on this one visit. When you return home you can assess whether you think MIL was more relaxed and appreciated your no pressure visit.
As I write this I am still in my PJs on my laptop and won't get dressed till I need to or the mood takes me. I still wake up early and can get up early as in my more active days but enjoy the luxury of retirement. I do bathe and change clothes appropriately and eat properly. That is just my take on MIL and absolutely agree. DO NOT MOVE HER INTO YOUR HOME. That is a no win for everyone

Thanks for your viewpoint Veronica, but I do not think you have moderate Alzheimer's and I don't think you are 88. Although she has some common sense her ability to assess risk is not there. She will stay in her own home living however she wants for as long as humanly possible, but to make that happen certain things need to be done. She thanks us for our assistance and our visits when her mood is good. when not, nothing is pleasing to her. BTW my husband and I are already in our mid 60's and he thinks he sees the beginning signs of the disease in himself. Maybe it's just stress, but Alzheimer's runs in his family.

Skinonna, the last thing I'd want is to make you feel "got at", but if your husband is not coping well with the stress of your mil and indeed has mental health concerns of his own, that strikes me as an even better reason to back off. Your mil will need increasing support if - as she wishes - she is to stay in her own home. So if the two of you together are already not able to provide that support in a way she is happy with (and that means more than "is polite about when she can summon up her good manners"), then don't do it. There are other options.

The way things seem to be developing, everything your mil feared is coming to pass PLUS it is painting you and your husband into a very tight corner. Elders who have no relatives manage somehow; your mil can manage without you - especially if that continues consistently to be her stated wish. Let service providers do the donkey work of security and protection and negotiating in-home care - all the bits that drive you mad and are difficult to manage at a distance - and you're off the hook. All the best x

No you are right I do not believe I have ALZ and at 74 considerably younger than MIL. But I do have significant health problems so thought I would describe the feelings of someone older who will probably need assistance in the future.
Do you see early signs of dementia in your husband?
If you both feel this is the case there would be no harm in getting an expert opinion. When we were in our 60s we both went ahead and got POA for each other with eldest daughter as the alternate. The current situation is certainly a great stress for both of you. My husband is also at risk for dementia and does have difficulty accomplishing what were simple tasks like changing an electric plug which I could still do but he does not trust me. He can not take care of mail or bill paying and has difficulty understanding simple concepts and argues that I am talking in circles. So I don't know but the kids assure me it is not me so there you go.
I actually worked till I was 68 and my only problem was increasing OA But I have found that as one gets older suddenly health issues begin to multiply and quickly gather speed. I hope you find a solution for your MIL and it does not take an accident to force your hand.

Of course, she was upset. Wouldn't you be upset if your keys are taken away? I know I would. I would probably react the way she did. By the way, is there an evaluation by BMV? Really?

The camera part doesn't sit well with me, although I do understand you wish well. I am in my early 60's, am fairly healthy & independent, save for my arthritis. But of course, am headed THAT way, like the rest of us. And when I am THERE, I would be very uncomfortable to find out that my daughters installed a camera to have an idea of what's going on when they are not around. I value my privacy, very much so.

If and when your MIL ends up in a home, she wouldn't be closely watched every single minute, but wouldn't have a camera watching her, either. I can assure you of that. She wouldn't be able to wander outside, though.

Well, Spoony I am in my 60's also and if I were in the position of my MIL I would hope my children would watch me to make sure I wasn't doing things that could take me out of my beloved home where I want to stay. Only a small portion of her home is photographed. Although one of her doctors suggested we have a company install cameras with live feed thoroughout the house because it is her wish to live in her house, although it may no longer be safe for her to do so. But then risk and safety are relative. We are trying to keep her as safe as possible without imposing on her freedom of movement more than necessary.
One day when I arrived she had hauled a old rickety saw horse out of the basement and was going to climb on it to replace a light bulb. She does not assess risk properly and cannot figure out the safest way to do things. She had a nice safe step ladder only a few feet from the light. This geriatric physician told us most elders with her condition die because of repeated injuries. And she said it will happen to her. However, we are trying to keep her relatively safe while allowing her to do what she wants which involves some risk. We are just trying to minimize it.
As I age I hope I will agree to things that will make my children's life at least bearable since I know they love me and will do all they can. I make a point to ask their opinion and advice now hoping this will help me remember to do the same as I age. If they feel I need to watched, they would probably be right.

Skinonna dear, I understand perfectly where you're coming from, however I don't think that your MIL shares the same point of view. You might want to remove some unsafe things like a rickety sawhorse from her place. But of course installing a camera is your choice (but I bet not hers).

When I get older (not that I'm old now, oh no), I will never agree to a camera installed in my place, no matter what a doctor says. I have a right to refuse treatment after all. And if I can't stay home safely, then I either get some help at home or else off I go to a NH, but hope this will never happen. Don't we all.

Countrymouse, I can gaze into the future and see my much beloved daughter "doing what's best for me." It is something I'm not looking forward to!

This issue is so very hard to deal with because we value safety and autonomy. When a loved one reaches the point of having impaired judgment, it's not easy to decide what to do.

Skinonna, I'd think very, very carefully about moving your MIL in with you. Yes, you expect your hubs to be her caretaker...but when she begins to really decline and he can't handle it, which may very well be the case, then what? What will it mean for you two? Or rather, what will it mean for YOU? I've read quite a few stories about husbands dumping the responsibility on their wives and fully expecting them to deal with it.... **shudder** I'd get a divorce first. lol

Jinx I completely agree about the safety v. autonomy dilemma. Hard to know what's the right balance, impossible ever to know if you were right. You made her safe, but you made her miserable. You made her happy, your respected her choices, but you exposed her to needless risk. I don't think this game is winnable…

Thanks for all your input. Yes we are trying to dispassionately assess risk/benefit ratio of our actions. I also want to mention the camera let's us see the interaction with the caretaker. We want to be sure she is treated well.
The things she does with others is becoming increasingly limited. For instance her sister (age 93, drives a standard jeep) would pick up her and her trash for a biweekly outing to the landfill. Her sister told her that she needs to get a trash hauler as she no longer knows what she can and can't put in the landfill. We will bring all trash home with us from now on.
As far as making her happy, she recently told me "you know I am not a happy person." So the object is to try to abide by her wishes, until she changes her mind. Not much chance of that!
One day at a time. I do not think she will ever move in with us because by the time she must leave her home, she will need 24 hour care, which we cannot provide.

Update: Things with MIL continuing pretty much the same. Now have her friend on the payroll to take her out to eat once and week and take her shopping or on an outing once a week. My husband is beginning to show signs of stress with behaviors not to common for him. He would always very diplomatically handle difficult situations. Now just blows his top. We are still waiting on recommendation from geriatrician for meds to help MIL be a bit more agreeable and a little less anxious.

I'm sorry your husband is feeling this so much, it must be very hard for both of you. Feeling responsible but not having control in proportion is enough to drive anyone round the bend.

Do forgive me, but I have to chuckle at the thought of meds to make MIL (and similar) "a bit more agreeable…" If they've got round to bottling this magic potion, can you let me know the brand name straight away please?! Best wishes for 2014.

Update: MIL got letter with appointment requiring a driving test. Her friend called saying how upset she has been since Wednesday when receiving it. My husband called to speak with his mother and when asked if she was upset about anything, she asked her friend "What am I upset about?" So in reality the friend is the problem because she has not learned that what is a huge issue one minute doesn't exist the next. She has not learned to "ignore", redirect etc. Another friend called to say MIL was out shoveling snow. Ok, 2 docs told us to let her do the things she likes to do and can do for as long as possible. We specifically asked if we should let her shovel. Shoveling snow is one of those things. Soon enough she will not be able to. So, we are thinking the big problem is her friends desire to protect her from herself. Although we want to make things as safe as possible, we respect her desires and each week try to discern what further steps we can take and still allow her freedom. Input from you is welcome!

She can come and shovel my snow as soon as she has finished hers. Let her continue to do whatever the Drs suggest as long as it is safe. friends can be overprotective at times.

I expect the "snow" friend was worried about MIL slipping and breaking something. Part of me thinks "good for MIL!" and the other part remembers watching my elderly neighbour mow her lawn, quite sure she was heading for another major heart attack… Hours of guilt at my desk, "letting 'I dare not' wait upon 'I would'…"

So when's the driving test? It'll be a relief to have that one behind you.

Ok here's a little more. MIL tells her friend she no longer wants to live alone. Tells us she does. Previously told us her "plan" was to have this friend move in with her and take care of her. Friend has said she wants her own place and life and does not want to be a 42/7 caregiver, but has sold her house and has 2 months to find a place to live. Been staying over at MIL once a week and is taking her to her house today. I see big trouble coming down the pike. If friend moves in we will have to stay in hotel each week when we come to take care of things. MIL like wiley 2 year old determined to get what she wants. Her friend is emotional and easily manipulated. What to do?????

I should leave them to it. Worst case scenario, friend gets inveigled into moving in, proves inadequate, cat-and-dog situation results; but that kind of relationship can trundle on for years, quite satisfactorily to both parties. And anyway unless the friend is really an idiot with no family of her own to advise her I can't see this coming to pass. Just in case: can you buy MIL a good, stout sofa bed for your weekend visits? - and cut them back a bit??!

Word to the wise: when MIL tells you and husband that she does want to live alone, she means she doesn't want to live with you. No I can't see how you (or especially he) can avoid taking that personally, either; but it does let you off the hook. Let the sentiment be mutual and count a blessing!

Thank you countrymouse,
We are quite aware that she does not want to live with us. Although she did think it a good idea my husband leave me and move in with her. When we got married over 40 years ago she basically told him choose her or me. Not such a good thing to do. She has taught me so many lessons of what not to do. But that is just one side of her, she has done many good things in her life. And no on deserves this horrible disease. So we want to take care of her as best we can, but will not give up our lives completely for her care. If her friend feels compelled, I think I will have her sign a contract for care and leave it at that.

Skinnonna, your husband should be on medication! You know women show depression or upset by crying. Many men show it by getting angry.

Encourage him to get on Prozac or whatever the doctor recommends. Tell him it is like getting a flu shot. The drugs help you to endure the hard times. When the hard times are over, he can stop. (My personal hard times will never be over, but that's just me. One 20 mg generic prozac for the rest of my life makes Jinx a calm girl.)

If he's resistant, get him to come here and we'll convince him. He is suffering, and he could be suffering less.

Love, Jinx the pill pusher

CM, My BFF's mother and FIL, both ALZ, both kind of nasty, mellowed a LOT on the medication they got - maybe Xanax?

Most people who act badly are in some kind of pain. Too many of them are stubborn and refuse treatment.

"...Although she did think it a good idea my husband leave me and move in with her. "
Did she, by George?! Gotta love 'em. Think you won that one, no? :)

Way to goJinx we all need a little help

update: Delusional thinking has blossomed. She thinks my husband still lives with her and calls to ask why he isn't coming home. She thinks he has been drugged and abducted. He tries to reason with her.
I am beginning to wonder which one has the biggest problem. And he's mad at me all the time. Her doc says vitamin E will help. I think he's delusional too. I feel like I live in the Twilight Zone.
OH, she went to take a driving test. Couldn't pass the eye exam because she couldn't follow the instruction to lean into the machine. Couldn't past the written exam and was too anxious to take the road test...So...guess what? they gave her a temporary license with the restriction that someone needs to ride with her..any volunteers?

You're kidding. They couldn't temporarily have suspended her licence until she was fit to resit the tests?

DMV is as delusional as she is, is this what they do all the time? Do you think hubby or the dr or both are delusional? Of course he is angry at you you are the closest thing and there is no point in being mad at Mom. Time to get hubby to his Dr and a good therapist. I agree with Jinx some medication would help him through this. i can't remember if you have POA in place. If not try and do that because the time is fast approaching when other arrangements will need to be made for Mom. Again I can't remember if you have taken her to visit any ALFs yet. i can't. i don't want to go back and check because my post is likely to vanish before i get back.

Update: We visited a ALF this past week and he said no need to look farther because it is excellent. They will assist with a plan to move her. There Is no telling her before it happens since she believes she "belongs" in her own home. He wants to wait to see "how close to the edge" he can come before he makes the move. He has POA, Trustee of Trust and DPOA all in place.

Today she was bringing a plastic of trash to the basement to burn in the stove and he got angry when I took it away because I don't thinks she should be lighting fires.
So he went over the edge with me. I am so done with this. When I say it's time to do something, he tells me to be quiet because I don't know what will happen. For the past year, everything I said was coming down the pike has occurred!
I feel he can move out anytime and go live with her!!!!!
I work hard to maintain a positive attitude in spite of life's difficulties and these two sure put that to the test! It's like how to stay dry in a downpour. Anyways I have plans for the next 2 weeks, so I won't be going with him on the weekly visits to the Twilight Zone.

"I feel he can move out anytime and go live with her!!!!!"

No you don't. This will pass. See 6 posts above!

No as CM said but I think you are doing the right thing by keeping your powder dry.
let him take the reins for the time being and before too long he will be in desperate need of your support. For now just be there for him and keep the "I told you so" to yourself

Good advice. Thanks!!!!! I know this is hard on him. It is apparent he has a great amount of anger towards his mother which he cannot show her, so I get to experience it. Not only that but he seems to showing early signs of impairment. Rented a car recently and I had to show him how it worked, He's the mechanical genius and I'm the mechanical idiot, but better with techie stuff which is what this very nice BMW had. Could be from stress and fatigue. But I don't know. But it's hard to see the avalanche danger and be quiet when your partner is in the path.