she is very argumentative..She always sees the worst case scenario with everything..I've spent years in therapy to overcome her verbally abusive nature..having her here is stirring up memories of a dangerous explosive childhood..my brother and I both recall a time when she tried to drown us..I confronted her with this..she denies it..my dad prevented this..at times she is pleasant..I struggle to be kind...I know God expects me to help her..and I will..she says..I'm not welcome here..and weeps..I tell her she is..but her attitude is not..maybe I need more counseling..she refuses any help..
Caregiving is brutal when you LIKE the person. When they've tried to kill you, as a small child...I can't imagine.
Your mother is clearly mentally ill. I don't see how you think you're "judging"her. You are evaluating, as adults do, the capability and capacity of an elderly adult to take care of themselves. You'd be irresponsible if you DIDN'T think in a critical way about her skills.
But here's the thing. Taking care of a person that abused you as a child is dangerous for you. It's dangerous for your mental health and for your ability to think clearly about her needs.
You really need to put on your own oxygen mask here. As your mother deteriorates, the level of care she's going to need is going to increase. It's much better to start that transition now, while she's got some capacity to adjust and make friends, participate in activities.
When your mom says cruel, manipulative things like, "I'm not wanted here", either keep silent or agree with her. Don't argue. Just "I can't do this anymore, mom". That's all you need to say.
I know this is hard. I don't envy you your childhood or your current situation. But you honor your mother best by getting her into a compassionate care situation where she can't do any more damage than she already has in her life.
I've sometimes noticed on this board that it's the children of very dysfunctional families who think that it's their duty to do hands on caregiving.
My mom was one of those folks...she made herself and us miserable taking care of my grandmother, and I vowed I would not fall in the same trap and apparently my brothers did the same.
Mom, bless her heart, never brought up the idea of living with any of us when she could no longer be at home. So if kids who love their parents can say. "mom, I need to work, raise my family and live on my own", why can't you do that as well? Give it a try.
My husband would not go with me to see Mom as he can't stand the doom and gloom attitude. I had to go alone each time - I can sympathize with you - its horrible listening to the stream of complaints. Mom never recognized she is her own worst enemy. Now she is too old to reason with. Good luck.
You are a natural at caregiving. Your vocation earned you a living. One of the many important things I have learned on my journey in caregiving is objectivity. Reread Babalou and WindyRidge's posts because they are so well written and heartfelt.
Don't plan too far ahead. Plan for the next year or two and then see where she is. But if she's anything like my FIL she will benefit greatly from having meals cooked for her, weekly housekeeping, and onsite activities and exercises. Start touring places next weekend. See how many places have visitors for Valentine's Day weekend.
Get the brochure from each place and ask for their monthly charge for the smallest unit they have. What exactly does that monthly charge include? Figure out what your mother can afford. Then you match your mother's budget to the best place she can afford and this time take her with you to check it out. Figure out the two or three most important things for your mother to have because you will definitely not be providing them for her. Weekly housekeeping? Laundry service? Transportation? Meals? You can get your mother into a safe, permanent living arrangement. Make sure your mother signs any and all paperwork or you get power of attorney and sign "attorney in fact for" for her.
And always remember that it's not how you start but how you finish that matters.
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