I live at home with my 70 year old parents (I'm 40 and single due to my obligations here that make it difficult for me to have a life of my own). My mother retired a few years ago and has become increasingly worse since. Her and my father were everyone's ideal parents. They had a good time together. My dad has always been more social than my mother but was never a big issue. Now my father can't even go outside in the front yard without my mother accusing him of staring at our neighbor (woman) across the street. He feels like a prisoner and has shown a decline in health because of this. I believe my mother has the beginning stages of Parkinson's. She is very suspicious of everything and plays the victim when shes the one that causes all the drama. My father has repeatedly told her that there is nothing going on with the neighbor to the point that he just doesn't acknowledge her accusations anymore. Shes gone as far as confronting the neighbor where she also told her that she has nothing to do with him...they dont even speak. But somehow she has put in her head that my 70 yr old father, with bad knees, sneaks out in the middle of the night to visit her. And that they have some sort of good night signals that they give. Its horrible. My father wants to leave but she always apologizes. Only to start it all again the following day. She gets upset when I tell her anything about it. She right away says that my brothers and I side and will cover for my father. She plays victim, starts crying and will throw out either "I'll leave so you can all be happy", or "sell the house so I can leave". Then its silence until she needs something from me. This has not only affected my ability to have a life of my own because they've become totally dependent on me for everything (they are still active and able to walk but have me run all their errands), and give me a hard time when I leave the house (guilt trips are given almost daily here), but she has also created friction with my brothers that they dont come over often just so they dont have to deal with the drama. Which again leaves me with the burden daily. I dont know what to do. I want to leave this house because it feels so toxic being here but I dont want to just leave my father. I'm also afraid of how my mother would handle it if she was alone knowing she was the reason for all this drama. She likes to say hurtful things to my father, but plays the victim when confronted. She refuses to get evaluated to see if its something that's making her like this. If that was the case, we'd be more educated on how to deal with it properly and know that this behavior isnt just her being a jerk to everyone...its actually a disorder. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Sorry for rambling but this is wearing me out.
Leaving the house is going to be so hard for you. Find someone who is a neutral party and talk over your options with them. It might be really helpful.
To get her to the doc, it is ok to tell her a "therapeutic fib", like Medicare requires her to have it, her doctor called her in for an annual, whatever it takes. Go with her. When there as she is checking in discretely hand the staff a note requesting they give her a cognitive test and also check her for a UTI. I did this with my own MIL and the docs are happy to do this as they know that it is important to get resistant seniors checked. Also ask the staff for their Medical Information Release form and have your mom fill it out and name you as her representative. Without this her doctor can't release or intake any info on her behalf -- it doesn't matter if you're a relative or PoA. This privacy form is required by law.
I'm hoping your parents have their legal "ducks in a row". Are you their durable Power of Attorney? This should happen before they get an official diagnosis of dementia!
I respect that you want to help out your parents. I really do. I did that as well, by myself as well. My brothers were not helpful either. So, truly I understand and appreciate what you are going through.
You desire a life for yourself and you definitely deserve a life of your own. I don’t want to insult your mom. I am only stating what I am feeling about her behavior after reading your description of your mother. I think you know that your mom won’t change. Her behavior is causing a lot of grief for you and your dad. I feel for both of you.
Make an appointment for her with a doctor, you can start with a primary care doctor if you like and explain that it is non negotiable.
It never works out to sacrifice your life completely for someone else. Also, you are not responsible for your father’s happiness. I understand that it makes you sad but think about this please. Is his life improved because you are there? No, it isn’t. Would he want you to be as miserable as he is? I doubt it. So now two people are miserable, right?
Why do you feel compelled to be there? I am not criticizing you? I am simply asking why.
I was in your shoes. I cared for my mom way longer than I should have. Eventually I had to ask her to leave my home. Won’t bore you with the details.
In your case, you need to leave her home. Your dad will be miserable with you there or without you there.
You cannot prevent him from being hurt by her as much as you would like to.
You also cannot make him leave her. He has the right to make his own choices, poor or not. You cannot stop the drama with the neighbor.
Please consider moving. Live life for yourself. They can hire someone or you can contact Council on Aging to see if they qualify for help. Do they have finances for an assisted living facility?
My mom has Parkinson’s disease. Make that appointment with a neurologist if you suspect it. It’s a progressive disease with no cure but there are meds to aid in controlling the symptoms. You are welcome to private message me to discuss it.
I wish you well. I hope that you don’t feel like I don’t understand or am attacking you for caring for your parents. I’m not. I see someone who feels trapped just as I did at one time.
I received lots of good advice from this forum so stick around. I also went to a therapist to help sort out my feelings. It helped tremendously.
Hugs! Take care. 💗