My mom has been at an assisted living facility for about 4 weeks. She is 94 and very old fashioned and modest. She will not let anyone clean her private parts and is not capable of doing it herself.
She insists that she wipes herself with wipes after a bowel movement but I have told her that it is not enough. She is also wearing depends. She has recently developed a UTI. Yesterday, she had diarrhea. She told me she wished I was there. She expects me to clean her butt and her portable potty filled with poop when the assisted living is getting paid for this service. I understand it is hard to let strangers do this but is it my job to do it?
Any suggestions would be appreciated.
I think the best suggestion may be to get a long gown, and wash her as well as possible by just lifting up the hem. If she can’t see it, she may be able to pretend that the aide can’t see it either.
Wanting a close relative to do a task somehow keeps that feeling of independance alive - family is like me, so therefore *I* am still able to do the task. Faulty thinking. Denial.
I don't know how else to describe it, but have seen YEARS of this with my family. This denial of ability/loss of ability.
Trust in non-family caregivers DOES grow. Even if the words remain, the "I can do it myself" or "I don't need help".. Behaviour starts to change, acceptance & trust grows with repetition.
Experienxed staff will be able to manage fine. Letting someone do what they can for themself eg scrunch up the paper & reach (while staff wipe).
Don't make a big deal about staff 'taking over'. Ignore talk of you coming for potty duty (rediculous). Emphasis the staff will just help *a little bit* instead.
It's embarressing afterall. So aim to minimise that. I'm sure even the Queen needed a little bit of help at 94 right? "Sure it's a bit embarressing Mom. Just say thank you & then forget it".
You mentioned they ( carers)get accustomed to mum. I mean she gets use to them .
I was wondering how long this takes it is over two months now .
I insisted I have the same three ladies come , not different ones but she still will not have any thing to do with them. They are very skilled and lovely.
My dad did not like being cleaned by a stranger. One time the lady they sent to bathe him was frankly quite a comely young woman. I found myself thinking I wish I was the one she came over to bathe.
She said Richard, you are going to have to take off all your clothes now. He said only if you take yours off first. We all had a howl, including the bath aide, (my mom was mortified but the bath aide says this happens all the time with dementia people and was not offended by it. Anyway, as long as that bath aide came over it was no problem
What if a muscular young stud muffin male bath aide came? Maybe she would relent. Sorry if that sounds sexist but in my dads case it worked.
I think he thought he was a young man again.
You may have to consider reducing your visits for a while . This may be challenging but especially when someone is new in a facility it helps them learn to build trust with the staff and, if she knows you are not coming, it may make her ( mad, upset etc) for a bit, but she will ultimately let the staff do the tasks. You can explain to her perhaps that you have to be away for a week for example and, have the staff assigned to her in the room when you tell her, and emphasize that you will be away and that you trust the staff to take care of these needs.
Ultimately you are helping her to adjust to others helping her, by staying away a bit.. Also should anything happen that you were ill etc, you would know that she is getting the help. If you continue going and doing the tasks, it is an intentional way of enabling her behavior to refuse help.
Do not allow her to continue to control you and the situation as it is not healthy for her nor you.
This is not unusual behavior that you are experiencing with your mother. Also speak with the staff about how they have dealt with this before. The supervising staff should have professional suggestions for you also.
This is natural and understandable.
It is an adjustment for her ... and at 94.
Many of us have a really hard time adjusting to change when we are 20 or 71.
You ask if it is your job? I do not understand why you are asking us this question.
This is a question to ask yourself on how you want to proceed?
I believe what you are asking us here is HOW to handle the situation / your mom's reaction / insistence.
- Talk to her with loving kindness.
- Tell her you understand her wants, needs, concerns. Let her know you hear her ' loud and clear.'
* Even so, with feelings of embarrassment, she will continue to feel the same way UNTIL she feels more comfortable with staff - and she may not ever feel comfortable with staff, although she WILL resign to 'what is' being in facility where others need to manage her hygiene / bathing needs.
I think the only avenue is to give her time to adjust.
Be kind and compassionate. Although do not give in to her demands/requests of you doing ... what staff needs to do.
* If you give in to her and clean her once ... she will continue to expect it. And, she will (has?) learn that by asking or telling you to clean her that you will eventually do it.
While it may or likely MAY NOT matter if you try to use this LOGIC. Mom, if you do not allow staff to clean you, you may end up in the hospital and then hospital staff will need to clean you - on top of whatever medical issues develop (as a result of not being clean(ed up) in the first place. I would phrase this as succinctly as possible - so she understands ... that medical issues may develop (or have) and that others MORE STRANGERS in a hospital will end up cleaning her 'anyway.'
Give her a hug and tell her that PROFESSIONAL staff needs to ensure that she is healthy and safe. These are your priorities for her. She will adjust as she does to the care / facility services you are paying for, although I understand it hurts you to see your mom like this, embarrassed and wanting you to care for her.
Gena / Touch Matters
It could certainly help although wouldn't deal with the entire issue / need. Thank you for suggesting. Gena
-tell caregivers abt mom; previous career, children, hobbies so that they can distract & chat with her while they provide care. Will give her mind something to focus on other than feelings of embarrassment.
-let her participate, give wash cloth, spray/squirt bottle if able to use so that she can simultaneously help
-tell her, we’re
placing this sheet/towel over you so you don’t feel so exposed & you’re covered up; only expose area of body being washed
-ensure washcloth is folded enough so that only the cloth is felt, no fingers.
-“I hope someone does this for me
when I need it”, “We’re all
gonna need help at some point in our lives”, “we gotta wash well so you don’t get an infection”
the aide may need training in how to make this happen - there are videos but you can’t be the solution.
this week we had success by putting the water on, letting her realize it was bath time and then monitoring her - but this is def a challenge we
all find.
if she doesn’t allow professional help she will need a IL.
it’s a slippery slope if you do it.
unless you are trained you can hurt her and yourself.
Although the mother will ALWAYS say she can.
Your mother needs assistance cleaning herself and it's your responsibility to see that she gets it - whether it's you or someone else.
If she’s beyond their capabilities, she needs a higher stage of care.
Your mother sounds like she is borderline between what a full service AL can offer and needing more attentive nursing care. You may need to find someone to attend your mother in her current AL or start looking for a facility that is a better match for her needs.
If not, then she is beyond what any AL can provide.
Let mom know that she must accept help with her bathing and toileting needs, or else you'll need to make arrangements to move her to a nursing home in short order. We often reach a point in life where we don't get a choice in certain matters.
Good luck!
She may not be trying to make you feel guilty. She is struggling with having a stranger care for her so intimately. Others don’t want family members to do these things and would prefer a caregiver.
I think the best way to handle this situation is to tell your mom that you would be uncomfortable washing her private parts and that the caregivers have experience with it and will be able to do the best job.
It is not your place to do this. This is what the staff is for.
Best wishes to you and your mom.