Hi everyone, this is my first question since joining. My 91 year old mom lives with me and my husband. She has mild age related dementia and is self sufficient for most of her daily needs. She has diabetes and walks with a walker for her balance issues. She showers and gets dressed by herself and gets her breakfast and lunch unassisted. I let her use the microwave but I’m not comfortable letting her use the stove alone. My husband and I will leave her an hour or 2 at a time while we run errands. Now to my question…my daughter and her family are coming for a visit this summer. I have not seen my grandsons in 3 years since my mom has lived with us since we can’t leave her home alone and she doesn’t want to travel with us. We want to go out and do things with them while they are here and I want to hire someone to come sit with her while we are gone. She says she’s not comfortable with having someone staying with her and she wants to stay home alone. Should I honor her wishes and let her stay home alone or hire someone to come in and sit with her?
Will Mom be SAFE alone?
Be able to judge the time you will be away/be back? Stay calm? Be able to phone you if worried? Or phone EMS if say, lightening struck your house & started a fire? OK the last one is unlikely, but this is where you run through liklihood of common risks vs severity of outcome. Simple things that you would notice & fix can go wrong: hit 2 hours on the microwave insead of 2 mins, leaving a tap running, turn the heating up to max.
I have my black hat of doom thinking on don't I? Fear, fire & flood. Falls as well.
Alternatively, what's the worst consequence of getting a sitter? Mom is reluctant? Gets sulky or a bit cross? The sitter just turns the TV on & Mom is bored?
Go with your gut.
Find her someone whose presence she’ll enjoy. A person with an outgoing personality would be able to draw out your mom by asking her about her life and experiences. Maybe take her to lunch. Hire this person with an eye toward employing them more often so that you can get out alone more often.
Your mom will inevitably need more care, and this is a chance to introduce it. She’s past the stage where you honor her wishes. Her wishes aren’t valid when safety is a concern, and she’s already crossed that river.
You say you're not comfortable with mom using the stove.
I think there must be other things that are worrying you and make you believe it's dangerous for mom to be alone. If that's the case you cannot leave her alone, knowing she is in danger.
Only YOU can assess this. We would be guessing.
Given that it's up to your best judgement, and the call is yours, you are left with telling mom. That's the hard part. You now have to sit her down and tell her that while she lives with you, and given her mild dementia, there will be times when someone will be on premises when you cannot be. Let her know you will caution this person to "stay out of her hair" but that there is really no other option than that you know mom is safe unless it is to place her in care of others 24/7, which you don't want to do unless you are forced to.
Given those options I think that mom will likely know she has no choice. And so often in our lives, whether we are young or old, there is simply no other choice.
I wish you the best making this tough decision and leveling honestly with your mom. You cannot knowingly endanger her.
Dementia=built in anxiety and can be triggered by having young children running around and having fun. Noise overload can cause confusion.
It is not her decision, it is yours, your house, your rules. It is not all about what she wants, your first responsibility is to your husband and your family, not her.
Enjoy your visit!
Hire someone on moms dime to look after her while you're gone and don't allow her to run your household. Most elders with dementia insist there's nothing wrong with them in the first place.....the Memory Care Assisted Living facilities are FULL of residents who "don't belong there", including my late mother who insisted all the others were "stupid morons" except for her! Part of dementia for many is the inability to recognize it.
With dementia involved, educate yourself so you know what's coming down the road. I suggest you read this 33 page booklet online about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
Best of luck to you.
When I first started reading about the experiences of other people on this forum seven or so years ago when my father had a spinal cord injury and needed care, I was really struck by the advice someone gave about how caregiving is a two-way street. It has to work for BOTH the person receiving care AND the caregiver. There’s a balance there.
To be more blunt, you (and your husband and rest of your family) matter just as much as your mother.
Agree with Riverdale -- hire someone (with Mom's money) to stay with her. What she wants is not important, because don't you think she NEEDS to have someone with her?