It seems like doing what I want and need conflicts with what my dad (94) and my partner (68) want and need. Is honoring myself selfish?

Just want to say thank you for the helpful, supportive, and thought-provoking answers. It helps so much to talk to people who understand. Very glad to have found this site, and hope to offer some helpful answers of my own.

You wrote. "I'd appreciate hearing from others who live in two places, give care to a parent long distance, have long distance relationships with a partner,"
I've been doing this to a degree for years. The main difference in my situation and yours is that my second space doesn't include my grandchildren so I envy you that. Also my husband has to travel a good deal. Sometimes I go with him but only if the stars are aligned perfectly. My second space is not as far away as you would be. I drive where you would fly. Would your partner be a visitor to your second home? Would you be able to bring the grandchildren with you to see their great grandfather? I see you have scheduled visits monthly. How long would the visit be ? Where would you spend the holidays that are important to your family? That's the hardest one for me because there are so many people to coordinate. Does your partner visit your dad now? Does your partner have extended family in NM? How would you feel if you returned and your partner had " re-partnered"? In your home? No need to answer these questions. Just saying, the garden runs wild if it isn't tended. The communication devices we have today make it easier than it would have been a few years ago. Travel is easier. If you have the funds available and others are willing it should work. Where do you see yourself ultimately settling? How long do you think you would continue in two spaces? Would you plan to continue after your dad passes? You will need duplicates of many items to keep from feeling like you are living out of a suitcase and to always have what you need to make necessary decisions and for reference. Again technology makes that easier. Don't forget to back it up and you can even travel without lugging your lap top. There is no one way to live out our lives and of course there are sacrifices either way. You have an abundance of wealth in having people you love wherever you are. You've already made what would have been the harder decision for me in moving your dad to AL. It is so important for children to have a multigenerational connection in their lives. Best wishes for all of you.

When you get old you become comfortable with things, people and places you know. Just the name of your town may become a security blanket like a kid with favorite toy. It just makes you feel safe. Does not matter how much you love the people who want to take care of you, you cling to the familiar.
So let Dad stay where he is. He is comfortable in his current surroundings and knows there are people there to take care of him. Make your own choices about what is good for you and your family. Blessings

Tend to YOUR needs first! If you fall ill, you can help no one!

Nothing to feel guilty about, my dear, and definitely time to make decisions with your own best interests in mind.

Would skype be a possible means of keeping in touch with your dad? Might there be someone in the AL who could help him with that if it were set up on a regular schedule?

I think I can understand Dad wanting to stay in his familiar territory, even though that is not exactly logical. My mother is in a care center in an area she is not familiar with. I can't see that it makes any difference. Her mobility is such she seldom gets out of the building. We take her for wheelchair walks around the neighborhood. It isn't the neighborhood she used to be familiar with but it has similar houses and fun things to look at. There is no one left in her old neighborhood to visit her, no matter where she is. She didn't have a connection to a church and she'd long since stopped doing her own shopping. So I think your Dad could be comfortable in NY. But that is logic -- and logic often just doesn't apply in senior decisions.

He gets to make his own decisions for his own reasons. You get to make yours, too.

Is partner able to make house payments and keep it up? Or will you be supporting him? How much do you have tied up in this house? Would you ever really want to go back? Do what is best for YOU financially and emotionally. Dad will be fine.

He is not alone in assisted living and you offered to bring dad to NY. I agree that your children and grandchildren come before aged parent as long as you are able to make sure he is safe and well cared for. You can call him on the phone and there may be staff there who can help you do a FaceTime call. You sound like a wonderful person. Enjoy your grands while you can and I am sure your daughters are grateful and things may get worse with your dad , requiring more time from you, before he dies-so all the more reason to do things while you can This is a new era of parents living this long and it sets up some tough emotions. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

I concur with others....he made a choice to stay put and he's being cared for. I didn't understand why he isn't already getting his mail where he's living. That seemed odd to me. My dad gets his magazines and will receive personal mail...all his financially related mail comes to me. I have all his bills paid by automatic deduction and it goes pretty easily. I think the compromise you laid out, calling and going back periodically makes good sense and seems fair and doable. You should be an influence and a known person in your grand children's lives. You will regret it if you don't. Your dad could live many many more years. He has had his life and lived it his way...you should do the same. You only get one life. He may be sad, but that is normal. Do not expect him to send you off with a party. He will be ok.

Lizacat29, thank you for the update regarding your Dad and how he prefers to remain in his old home town.... therefore he needs to take responsibility for his decision. If he likes his Assisted Living complex, that is a great positive :) I wouldn't worry.

I moved away from where I grew up and where my parents stayed many years ago, took a son with me - who later moved back to where they were - had couple more along the way so was settled in pretty much by the time they started needing care - or at least the other one who had also moved up there moved back but he was there when mom fell; mom wanted to move down to me but she was torn with leaving the one up there; dad was adamantly against it at the time, though later he said if we had gotten him/them a place first he would have; did your dad/parents have a house? we were expecting them to sell their house first; then after mom died he did talk about selling it and moving into an assisted living - not sure what you mean by house, is he in an apt. in a house? - but he, too, was concerned about the one who was there and also thought he could move in with him and take care of him and keep him company, which is what eventually happened but he still somewhat regrets it, says it cost him everything he had but maybe somewhat like your situation, he wouldn't tell dad that; now having said that, a few months after he did he found him collapsed; what would happen in your situation if that happened with your dad? mine was taken to the hospital; I went up and stayed with him there and then after he came home until we at least thought he'd somewhat stabilized but really instead that was somewhat the beginning of the end - now, having said all that, I might have done things differently, except that when this happened my dil had just had a baby as well who had been transported to a children's hospital with an extreme heart condition, who wound up having a somewhat slight surgery while I was gone with my dad who'd gotten out of icu but then - and maybe only because I was there to catch this - was transferred back - had I not been there would things have ended up being better, in one sense? when I did go back, he did wind up back in the hospital while I was at the other hospital with the baby while dil actually - she was actually from mom and dad's area; son had met her while he was up there - had gone up there to see her family; well, he'd just gotten out when I had to go back to get her, both times he was sent home on home health, the 2nd time I got caught in the confusion of it, finding out that using the same people then we used the first time because of the service they provided wasn't going to work because they didn't provide it twice but didn't find it out in time - also do you have POA of your dad? that was a confusion I ran into not being there because I learned they don't - or didn't then - require documentation or confirmation - so only somewhat accidentally - also does your dad go to the doctor? who takes him? - found out from his doctor's office, only because I had, before all this ever happened, been the one who'd been going up and taking him to the doctor, about his fall - oh, also before and why he wanted son to move in with him, he'd already had a bad fall that I'd also gone up and stayed with him for, though not for that long, son did take over for the majority of that, once he was out of the woods from it - but not from the home health and only found out why after finding out more about the service they weren't providing and why but by then they had discharged him anyway without me knowing but we were still dealing with the issues from the first hospitalization; still not really sure entirely what happened with the 2nd one but he at least did do better in the hospital that time, good thing, since he actually ended up being left there by himself, since son's girlfriend had had a bad wreck and been lifeflighted to another one out of state and he was staying with her while waiting for her mother to come from yet another state. And then I wound up going out of to yet another state with the baby for a month to a major hospital for major surgery and while there dad had yet another unrelated incident that at least was somewhat able to handle, then we were back to the other hospital with the baby for another 3 mos. while things rocked on with dad until then couple months later after things somewhat stabilized with baby I went to relieve son or was going when actually as I was literally just starting out got an emergency call that his doctor couldn't reach son; actually not the first call like that I'd gotten; he'd been routinely having to go to the hospital and I got a call from them that they couldn't reach him; dad was having to get iv's and he'd pulled it out; he'd also quit breathing and they needed to know what to do, so are you prepared to make all those type decisions on your own from long-distance and are you able to do so; if you're the only child, even if you don't have actual POA you'll be looked to or does he have things in place? mine didn't and there's no time to make those decisions then; if you don't have them pretty much already made they'll make them for you, which might not be a bad idea,

Sorry, I posted too soon.

I think if you are comfortable with going to NY then you should go. Have you talked to your dad about it? What are his thoughts?

Moving to NY to be with your kids and grandkids sounds lovely and I understand why you want to go. It's a very tough choice to make.

Be selfish and don't feel guilty. Never allow another person to dictate how you live your life. To me, children and grandchildren have a higher priority than a parent. You seem to have a good plan, go for it.

He's not alone. He's surrounded by people at his AL. You offered to bring him East. He's made his choice. Welcome to NYC!

I may have been unclear in my question. My partner is a muddying element in this issue. It's basically my dad. I'd like to bring him out here, but he is adamantly against leaving. He wants to be in the place he grew up in...even though all his friends and family are basically dead. He is pretty cognizant, but his judgement is childlike and clouded often. I feel so bad about leaving him, and I don't want to be that person who is waiting for him to die. I want to celebrate his presence on this earth as long as possible. But I am no spring chicken myself and I want to follow my needs and wants as well. I want to be with my kids and live the life I want. I want to try this. I call often, I plan to fly back every month or so. I still take care of his bills and communicate with the home. I feel the place he is in is good. But I fear I may be making a mistake in leaving him...being a bad daughter, condemning him to die alone...I don't know. Life is hard choices, and everyone reading this has similar concerns and worries....just looking for some wisdom I haven't been able to muster on my own.

Unless your guy friend is in treatment for alcoholism, your life with him will probably just get more stressful for you. I'd bail on him now if he won't go into treatment plan.

Since your Dad is comfortable living in assisted living, why not bring him to New York to an assisted living center near you.... that way he can see his grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Bet he would love that.

I realize a move for someone who is 94 years old won't be easy, depending on his physical needs, could he travel by car or train with you?

You need to make up your mind one way or the other. Do not expect your partner to hang around, chances are he won't. Hire a care manager for Dad and a housekeeper and a cook. That way you can stay where you are.