Horrible abusive parent finally dies; how to talk to the distant relatives?
I had one of those horrible female biological parents. Lots of abuse of me and animal abuse, and she took bad care of my dad for 5 years until he died. My sainted grandmother tried to keep me safe by keeping me, but that couldn't last forever and that's when the abuse started, when I moved back with mthr right before my father died. (For those of you who don't know, I spell her name mthr because she was missing something important inside). I rescued her from her hoard, had her cancer cured, and placed her in a home close by where she was well taken care of.
Evil mthr died in the recent past, and I've waited until the legal coast was clear so those who financially abused mthr would not jump in (those vultures that I felt were circling in a previous post). I called her cousin that found me on FB at Christmas and she previously gave me her brother's phone # who had been close to mthr. He had not answered any Christmas cards from me in years, and I'm suspicious they stopped when I mentioned mthr's abuse in a letter, but I can't remember exactly. The cousin said that she would not tell her brother so I could. I left a VM yesterday.
On the phone with the girl cousin, I played the sweet bereaved daughter role. No point in bursting their bubble from 1960, or so I thought. What I did find out is that mthr had been a twit as a youngster and that she had given her parents trouble (not in the running around kind, in the arguing constantly kind). I left a VM for her brother who mthr was closer to in age and interests. But - I had a rough night. I feel like I was not honest with myself. I ground my teeth last night for the first time since mthr died.
I'd like to have extended family for once - this is part of the family that she kept me isolated from, so they would not know her secrets. Do I message female cousin on FB and tell her I'm just not up to telling male cousin, that she is welcome to? He has my message that I wanted to catch up; but his sister is expecting me to tell him about mthr's death. Do I tell them about her abuse? Or do I just continue to agree with their cheerful assessment of her personality?
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The truth is that no one can tell you how to feel. If they disapprove of you for telling your truth, they are not folks you want to hang out with. I hope can find some peace. (((((Hugs))))))).
I'm afraid of loosing these new family connections... I actually remember going to this cousin's wedding but all I remember is a distant view of her in her dress in front of the church. I don't know that mthr actually appeared at the wedding. Cousin said she'd looked at her wedding pictures and didn't find us in them, which further boosts my suspicion that mthr did not actually join the festivities. But I think you are right about listening. I did lots of agreeing and mmm-hmming.
My mom was the youngest child by many years in her family. I have a much older cousin who has been really helpful in articulating ways in which family tales have been relayed to me because my mother experienced stuff through the lens of a small child, while my cousin's mom, 12 years older saw them with a more mature eye. I understand a lot more about my mom's issues having heard some of this stuff.
As to your tsk tsk-er, I think at least in some families, there is more acknowledgement of how much damage a parent can do these days. Maybe not in yours. But I would make sure that these new relatives are a "safe space" before you open up to them.
It's possible that the boy cousin stopped contacting you because he was so shocked at what you said in your letter. I'd have guessed it more likely that he stopped because he just didn't know what to say.
So... I think you have two choices. 1. discreet silence. 2. God's own truth, at least as it pertains to your experience of her.
You do need to make her death public anyway, and you can't leave it to the grapevine. Devise a formal statement of facts - "... to let you know that [name] passed away on [date] after [x years] of declining health," for example. That can't offend anybody, no matter what their private opinion of her.
What's wrong with being honest, though, as long as you're careful to be fair at the same time? Especially if you're hoping to have an ongoing relationship with your wider family, the relationship has got to based on some kind of truth or it will be meaningless.
Unfortunately people really don't care about the abuse you suffered at someone's hands. So I would change the subject and try to have a relationship that doesn't include your mthr or her memory. Maybe say something glib, like I am glad for you that you had that kind of relationship with her and change the subject.
Great big warm hug! This situation just sucks from the word go.
When it comes to disclosing the abuse to other family members, it can be complicated. I am hesitant to burst the bubble for others who know this person in a very different way.
What I have discovered is that some abusers have a way of hiding their true self. They may be quite impressive with other family members, friends, neighbors, etc. And in fact, may be the IDEAL mother, friend, cousin, but, it's because they are adept at lying and keeping their role as an abuser behind closed doors.
With my situation, I have determined that this person DID have some good traits. She did help others in need at times and was a good friend to a lot of people. THOSE people who she treated well, are not likely to want to hear what I have to say. I wonder if it would even register. They may be angry at me. It's difficult to gauge their reaction.
I have run through scenarios in my mind and after her death, I think that I shall tell the truth on a case by case basis. I will likely say that the woman they knew, was the not the woman that I knew. People are complex. Mental illness and personality disorders really can cause people to behave in horrible ways. I think I will get get counseling at her death, because, I think I'll need some guidance on reconciling the whole thing.
I'll look forward to seeing how things go for you. It's so good that you are able to reconnect. Our family is supposed to help us and support us. I hope that happens in your case.
I can imagine a great weight has been lifted.
I'm going to assume that you've been in therapy at some point in your life.
I don't by any stretch think that EVERYONE needs therapy. But I think that given what you went through and witnessed, a "tune up", either with the hospice grief team or with a good talk therapist is probably in order.
Those of use with ambivalent grief can almost always use a little support when we are going down this road.
(((((((hugs)))))))))
My last therapist moved and I do need a new one. I am sure I have plenty of new material to cover.
I like everyone's suggestions to not reveal the whole truth for now. Perhaps just acknowledge your sadness that mthr's mental illness had such a profound effect on her and your family.
I feel for you. My parents are well loved in the community and had rather public jobs and social standing. Nobody wants to know what happened behind closed doors. And mental, emotional abuse does not leave visible scars, just really deep psychological ones.
I feel ill when someone tells me what a wonderful teacher Dad was and expect me to agree with their assessment of him. Yeah right a man who accuses me of being mentally ill if I disagree with him, to this day. A man who hired a lawyer for an addict, who had in the past tried to kill me, to sue me for custody of my son. Yeah right a really nice guy.
When my parents die I will have an incredibly hard time accepting any sort of condolences.
When my abusive mother died I sent a mass email to the cousins and a few others who had kept contact. There was some response, but little follow up. I was part of the lack of follow up as I couldn't see my way to denying the realities of my mother's lifelong illness and the effects it had on me. When carefully "speaking (a small amount of) my truth" hit a brick wall, I chose not to pursue the relationship.
I think you have fulfilled your obligation to your cousins. You left a VM. He can follow up if he wants to. If he chooses not to, I don't think there is much hope of a relationship.
It would be nice to have a supportive expended family. In my experience, those that still thought my mother was wonderful when she passed kept that illusion. The ones who had some idea of what she was really like figured that out years ago. I carefully shared with a few extended family over the years with about 50% success. On that basis I gave up the idea of a supportive extended family, I have fb contact with a few relatives, though I have friends who are closer.
I don't think it is good to lie about your mother, but neither is it good to share everything with all. I would say, for your own good, tread carefully in what you reveal, and lower your expectations on your extended family. Sometimes a non answer or a facial expression can convey more than words.
When people enthused about mother, I chose to 1) not answer and keep a straight face, 2) say something non committal like "That's nice", 3) answer something like - "She had those strengths/good qualities". You get the drift. I could not be untrue to my experience.
Thinking of you and the things of the past that cling and affect the present.
So at this reunion, a classmate came up to me, having overheard what I was saying about Mrs. G. She said to me, Barbara I hear that that was YOUR experience of Mrs. G. But when I transferred into this school in the 5th grade, woefully behind because I had been attending an inferior school, she stayed behind EVERY DAY for an entire school year and tutored me until I caught up to the rest of you. THAT was her commitment to education.
I was floored. There were several other people in my class who had the same perception of abuse from this woman, but apparently there was another side to her.
People are complicated. Some of us who have/had parents who aren't able to bond with us, who are mentally ill, or who suffered trauma themselves that they were not able to overcome. God knows that there was a dearth of understanding of this sort of disorder 50 years ago.
The truth is that some people can be kind and generous to some but not to all. It's not the fault of the person on the receiving end of the lack of kindness. There is something off in the wiring of the person who can't empathize with the recipient.
I don't even need their acknowledgement of mthr being a bad person. I just felt like I was too agreeable with the cousin's positive assessment of her. Last night I also friended the youngest cousin, who did not even know I existed. No reason to even mention mthr to him.
I'm not concerned about telling the people in her home town. I've said nothing to them in years... I sent Christmas cards/notes for 3 years and when there was no response, cut them from the list. I think I'll place a very short obit if that's even needed. What do you all think about a very plain obit with a scholarship fund & child protective services as suggested memorials?
The best 'therapy' in the world, in my opinion, is to finally be free of someone who's done nothing but torment you your whole life. Now that's finished, and so is the need to say anything to anybody, unless YOU feel like you want to.
Just the other day, I received an email from the activities director at my mother's ALF. She told me how she wanted me to know that "JoAnn is a very special person. I don’t know if I ever told you, but when I interviewed for the job here, JoAnn was one of the 1st residents I met. She was so great, and so much fun. I was so impressed by her that I knew I wanted to work here." I've been hearing things like that my whole entire life. Why is it that I get to know the ugly and evil side of the woman and everyone else gets to know the 'special, fun' side of the woman? My father & I have been tormented by this woman our whole lives, yet others think she's the bees knees.
I would never speak to any of my cousins about 'that side' of my mother. What for? She's managed (for the most part) to keep the evil side of herself SO well hidden, that I would be the one to come off looking like the evil one if I were to speak the TRUTH about her to others!
Move on now with YOUR life. If you are able to develop a relationship with your relatives, great. If not, find a bunch of 'chosen relatives' to develop relationships with. Ones who don't know WHO mthr is and don't care. That part of your life is over now, thank God, and I wish you only the best of health and happiness moving forward, however you choose to do that.
Oh, so very well said! When we spout off about our abusive parents to relatives and friends who only saw the "charming side" (and not the evil "flip" side Mom or Dad saved especially for us) we come off as the one with the problem. It's time, as you said, to leave the pain behind and move forward with these relatives in a positive light.
Release her.
Let her go. She did not have anything of value to give you. She was unable. To complicate that grief with lies to family you don't even know seems to me asking for more trouble. Go on with friends and your own family who is quality and your own life. You owe them nothing. Had they wanted to know about her DEATH they should have been present in her LIFE and in your own. I doubt these people have a thing to give you but their judgement?
Do you need that? Because to my mind you have been through quite enough, thank you. Now put her to rest and let her go. It is time. I am so sorry for all you have gone through, but my sorriness nor anyone elses amount to a thing that can help you.
Hugs to you. Go on. Make this world the BETTER every day that you are in it, so that no one has to consider what decent things they can find to say about you when you are gone.
Surprise, I just lost my bro. He was one of the kindest most decent and gentlest people I ever knew. And we, he and I were lucky to have the kindest most decent people ever as our parents. I would that it could have been the same for all. Between us all we have rescued and cared for likely 100s and 100s of animals. You note is heart wrenching to me. Try now to just live in love.
Such a relief to have that convo over. Now for that obit!
Shes gone! Its over! Enjoy your journey of life now!
No one else seemed to give a damn. So I would not overly concern myself with telling the rest of relatives anything.
After all what are they going to do?
By the way, her friend that did call and visit is still calling me once in a while to see how I am doing.