Coping with an eternal child: adult children of narcissistic and borderline personality parents as caregivers, how do you do it?
Yes, they may be charming, fun, many times very attractive and wonderful to be around so long as everything goes their way. We all probably have fabulous childhood memories that are "crazy making" because even witnessing their Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde like behavior it is difficult to reconcile this charming fun person with the angry controlling adult baby with no boundaries who will do anything including destroying her own child for her comfort, satisfaction and continued narcissistic supply.
The ravenous appetite of a NA is never satisfied. Their breach of trust to get their way, to control your every move, their betrayals, lack of conscience is beyond belief to those who have not lived the reality. Oh, they can be sweet as pie on the short term to reel you in as she goes in for the kill one more time.
The stress of dealing with an emotionally intolerable elderly narcissist who expects to have her every need and want met immediately no matter what you are doing or have planned, especially when she betrayed her maternal obligations and blamed and demeaned you & your feelings for a lifetime, inflicting extreme psychological stress and pain and her curtain call is to trick, guilt..... basically do whatever it takes to get you to agree to or get stuck in the scapegoat role and primary caregiver. Is it their plan all along, and the reason children of narcissists aren't a victim of infanticide.
Once I finally figured out what my mother was, I read a lot of research and learned tactics to pull myself back and set boundaries that work for me. I can't go no contact, so I have to protect myself from her by maintaining those boundaries. I also view it as protecting my family, because my mother has no right to rob me of the different life I've created and worked so hard to live.
I have a strong support system in my family, friends, and doctors who have been there when my mother destroys weddings, outings, you name it so she can gain and focus the attention on herself. I even meet privately with her doctor, because he's well aware of what she is like. We work together to do our best with her.
Even though it wreaks havoc on my mental and physical well being, I do my best to attend to her real needs instead of her imagined ones. Right now, she is trying to manipulate me into giving in to her, and I'm holding fast even though my stomach is in knots. She will lie, orchestrate, you name it to get her will, but I won't give her the result she wants, at least not to her knowledge. I'm the only game in town, since she refuses to take a cab, bus, or ask anyone else for transportation to shop yet another day.
I agree with her within reason, and let her talk her head off in every daily phone calls and outings, because the less attention drawn to me the better. You should have seen her face when my good friend recently told her in front of me that "You have such a wonderful daughter!" Dead silence - Not a word of reply!
Having a sense of humor and sense of self also helps.
My last word of advice is to research senior and assisted living options, and in home care for when your narcissist parent needs more care. Although she would jump at moving in with me, that is one threshold she will never cross no matter what. It has taken me years to learn how to value myself, my family and my peace of mind too much.
Your MIL sounds just like my mother. Everything, regardless of the topic, can be turned around to relate to her or a story about her. She's a know it all about nothing. God forbid, don't be sick, because no one can be as sick as she was/is. It's really sad, and I hope you and your husband can pull back from the control and manipulation. You owe it to yourselves. It's important to make sure she's safe and healthy, but not at the expense of yourselves and your family. I would invite my aunts or my husband's parents to live with us without question, but my mother would destroy any semblance of harmony within a few days of being here.
I love her, but I will no longer be her doormat! I will be there to take care of her "real" needs, but I will no longer cater to her narcissism!
Pattiac and Mbmarc, if you are still here, you may be interested to know I checked twice to be sure it wasn't me that wrote your responses.
I'd love to hear an update on your situations. God bless you.. I know EXACTLY what you are going through. It's hell.
BTW... my MIL is so manipulative and narcissistic, she would have found a way to turn a compliment to my husband into something about her. She prides herself in adopting him and all his accomplishments are hers...even when she was completely negligent in his up-bringing.
It seems like so many of us come here to get help. I have also visited other sites related to children of narcissistic parents. It helps, but here is where I have gotten the most support in addition to my family and friends.
My mother will be 91 in March, and I can say that although I hold firm to my boundaries, my mother continues to want to get out more. She is bored by the life she created. My patience is waning with the constant complaining, feigned illnesses and concerns, and things for me to do. I am more stern with her than I have ever been in my life, which is not my nature (raised by her to please people, namely her). God must know that's where it needed to go, because she has backed down, apologized (I can't remember that ever happening before), and has been better about not expecting more than I can give. At least for the moment.
What is your situation? How do you cope? It helps to hear what each other are doing to get through it all.
Blessings to all who are struggling with the issues related to caring for an elderly parent. Thank God we have the ability to reach out for help through this forum.