How do you advocate for an abused senior relative that will not report or acknowledge that her son is abusing her?

You might call adult protective services

Your husband's father, (your fil) and your Mil (your husband's mother), same abuser? How is it that Fil lost his home to abuser? Where is he now? Why didn't her husband report the abuse? Not really understanding your story as written, can you explain? Whose son (your Bil) is the abuser?

Why didn't your husband step up as this was happening to (whom?),,I have lost track....

There have been successes when all the family joins forces....and the truth is exposed. Are there other siblings that would help?

Hi, yes it is a confusing story. The parents divorced when the children were grown and lived apart. There are 2 sons, my husband and the abuser. Their Father got brain cancer about 12yrs ago. My brother in law abused him until he lost his home and went into hospice care. My husband tried to intervene but his Father wanted to "help his troubled son", and as long as he was competent it was his choice to remain in the situation. By the time my husband could help him (after his Dad was declared unfit to make decisions for himself), he had already lost his home and had his heart broken. Once the Father died the abuser moved on to his Mother. First he convinced her to give him his inheritance early so she took out a 2nd mortgage as her rural cottage is her only asset. He knew she would be in poverty trying to make mortgage payments on her modest pension. Once that $ was gone, he started borrowing small amounts from her constantly, getting her to go to the bank and request loans until they refused to allow it, take out credit cards, make her run a home based business and give him the proceeds, and when all that isn't enough he moves in with her for months or years at a time and makes her support him entirely. If and when he gets sporadic employment, he keeps the $ for himself. He will literally talk her out of her food money for cigarettes and beer and send her to call us crying. Again, we have reported this twice and the most recent time I was told "It's not illegal to choose to be stupid". At this point I am just hoping to learn from the experiences of others. We are hoping she will decide to grant us power of attorney so that we can protect what she has left to provide for herself.

Send your husband over there to beat up his brother.

Does your mil have dementia? Can she live alone? Maybe your husband should visit her, and see if she's ok. If she doesn't want her son there you all need to get together, surround her with a protective force. I hate to think she is being bullied and ripped off.

Unfortunately its called enabling. Parents have been taking care of their adult children for years, not realizing how it will affect them later. When I thought people where taking advantage of my mother, I called adult protective services and was told was it a bad decision yes, abuse no.

Has the family confronted this individual? Sounds like a time for intervention. Why don't you have a family meeting with mom, explain how this is hurting her. You may need a mediator or another party to help out. Talk to a geriatric care manager - they know of many resources and services that can help you mom. Someone needs to intervene to stop this or it will continue.

Contact an elder abuse advocacy organisation. Not sure what there is in the US (where I presume you are) but here in Ireland we have Age Action and SAGE. They can arrange for a lawyer, doctor, home-care service, etc. Unfortunately, if your mother-in-law is unwilling to make a statement against her son, there is nothing even these people can do, but it's a start and at least they will be aware of her situation. Also make others in the community aware of her plight. Is there a social club for retired people in the area, or a citizens' advice centre? If she is a member of a religious congregation, ask the priest / pastor to visit her. Encourage her to keep in touch with neighbours and friends. If she has a bank account or similar, let the bank manager know; bank managers are trained to spot signs of elder abuse. And contact an attorney specialising in elder abuse. If you can't afford one, see if there is a free legal aid service - try the local law school and you might find young attorneys willing to work pro bono. Hope this helps.

As an abuse survivor myself, I can tell you exactly why this victim won't acknowledge she's being abused is because she's scared! She's scared the abuse will intensify, she scared of retaliation which is what abusers will do when the victim snitches. I live through abuse myself, so I know what's going on over there just from your description. What you need to do is put a stop on her bank account if you can get your name on it or you need to move her money. What I would do right now is call Social Security because she's most likely getting benefits. Report the incident as fraud and tell them what else is going on, and definitely bring up the fraud first and foremost before anything else. If he is wrongfully using her Medicaid or other insurance, call the provider and report fraud there as well and even any food stamps she may be getting, he's most likely misusing any food stamps and you need to report fraud on her food stamps if she gets them. You need to put fraud alerts on everything she's getting from the government because they will also be able to prosecute the thief taking advantage of the elder, and they will come down on him real hard. The government is very serious about cracking down on fraud and catching anyone stealing their money that's going to their recipients who are rightfully entitled to that money.

You really need to call the APS as mentioned here and if they don't act right away, you need to call the cops and make police reports. Someone needs to get guardianship of the abused victim and someone needs to get a lawyer and get all that money back. The lawyer can put liens on the bank account you really need to call the APS as mentioned here and if they don't act right away, you need to call the cops and make police reports. Someone needs to get guardianship of the abused victim and someone needs to get a lawyer and get all that money back. The lawyer can put liens on the bank account and other assets such as a home or car. They can also stop the sale of a home that maybe on the market. Definitely get an elder care lawyer involved right away.

What you need to do is have the abuser arrested first and foremost. Once he's gone out of the house, take your elder to the ER and admitted her to the hospital. Tell the hospital staff what has been going on and why you brought her there. You can then get the hospital in vault and they can get the ball rolling on her behalf. Anytime you have an abused elder admitted to the hospital or even brought to the ER, the staff are trained to get the right people involved

The alleged victim has to speak up to confirm the abuse to authorities.
Have you considered Mother wants the dysfunctional bond to continue?

One might say to her, report it to authorities yourself, here's the number.

So very sorry for your plight.

Adding that 'Don't Ask' is correct, the victim won't speak up because of fear, so maybe removing her to a safe place first.

How about recording her complaints for the lawyer to hear, and the lawyer can interview her to confirm she wants relief from the abuse?

Where I live in CA, the elder doesn't have to agree to anything, APS just very skillfully and kindly interviews her. At least in our case, the person sent has been a godsend. Reading this 2nd report, a police report may be in your future. This is wrong. She needs help. Has she ever considered a reverse mortgage (after the bad guy can't get to that money!)
Good luck, she needs your help. Maggie

If your MIL is out of money, apply to get her into Medicaid. They will pay for a nursing home, meds, etc. and in the process take her home. The son won't be able to do anything about it.

I reported my brother to APS for doing the same thing. A social worker came to interview mom within 48 hours. However, mom refused to press charges against brother. It was several months before I was able to get POA for her - not before she signed her house over to him, though.

My Mother faces a similar situation. My brother either moved a fortune from her brokerage account to her brokerage account in 2008 or moved her money after explaining the benefits of clearing money out of the account in contemplation of her running out of funds 5 years prior to her actually running out of funds with the help of their mutual broker without respect that she is the Power in her trust agreement and my brother and I are equal if what he told me is true. The brokerage firm ignores the trust agreement and her wishes. My brother abused me as a child. He and his wife have defamed me to others and made best friends with my abusive ex and his 2nd wife. They all gained financially to at my expense. Mother did not talk to me for 20 years. She began acknowledging me when I supported myself, went back to school, graduated with high honors and was accepted to Law School. After 12 years of having a law practice, I was forced to retire for taking ill. Although I have a home of my own nearby, I stayed on a mattress on the floor of her Senior Living facility. I am still in that position. It broke into a battle with My brother, Cousin and mother's prior facility bonding together to break me and Mother up. It was a disaster, their forcing her to move into Personal Care and me to move out. She went from walking and being able to shower, go for walks, be independent except for me giving her medications and helping with her paperwork to being a total invalid, unable to balance sitting up in bed or shower or dress herself. Also she fell on her head several times after being wheeled back to her room and left alone in front of the TV. She couldn't get in or out of the wheel chair herself of get herself to the bathroom. My hours were cut in Personal Care after the facility injured her, being negligent, careless, and intentionally abusive to Mother and myself. It was very expensive having my hours cut with Private Duty Nurses Aids needed for several months. My brother is now cooperative and pleasant to me after seeing Mother's money flying out of her account into her prior facility. My son and I moved her to another facility when my hours were cut to 4 hours a day, 5 days a week. The damage to her eyes, glaucoma, went to sever for lack of proper administration of eye drops. Her money could run out if she lives to 104, 105 or longer even avoiding private duty Nurses Aids, with me being glued to her 24 hours a day, taking time out only when my son or daughter-in-law comes to stay with her which is about 20 hours a week. I live on social security and some expense money from my mother. My accountant, Mother's attorney and my brother all say not to worry about the 5 year look back, that Mother will not run out of funds and that I have to seek other counsel if I want an answer. I am worried that I will owe all the stipend I am receiving back if Mother has Nursing needs or prolonged medical treatment. I am told to just live with that anxiety. She doesn't speak up. This is what I do for her and I am here no matter what. It is a blessing that she and I have all this time to make up for the years we missed. She does not acknowledge abuse. She looks up to the male. The male can do no wrong. I live with that heartbreak. I have two more years in a bankruptcy and after that I could live on my social security alone . My brother is a millionaire and not in need. He demanded that my Mother give him equal amounts of money when my Mother started blessing myself and two sons with money after I closed my law practice. He double dipped. He moved out of town. Two years ago he and his wife happened to be in town for another occasion on Mother's 97th birthday. We spend 45 minutes with them. He rarely calls. We cannot look at monthly statements online. We are blocked from the transaction reports except for the monthly statements. I have no money saved up. With the money I receive I pay my son and his wife. Thank you for bringing up this topic. A dysfunctional family can create a lot of heartbreak. Everyone needs to be working for the good of the LO. Dissention, triangulating, power struggles can be a total disaster for the parent. It brings them no good.

If it is physical abuse, take her immediately to her doctor for an examination. It is the doctor's duty by law to notify the police. If anyone tries to stop you, call the police immediately. If she's giving her money away and there isn't a guardianship for her, she can give her money to whatever creep comes along.

someone mentioned a protective force and I thought of something in light of that. What I would do is take a protective force over there and remove her from the situation. I would take her somewhere safe and don't tell anyone where she is, kind of like putting her in a safe house. I personally would not tell anyone not even lawn force meant where are you took her because they might force her back into the abusive situation since they don't know what's going on. I would protect her even if it means being arrested doing so because then you can get a lawyer and even have that lawyer get an elder care attorney for the victim. I personally would definitely protect the victim at all costs in light of knowing what is going on and what she's going through because I myself have been there and I can get pretty nasty if I need to step in and protect someone from an abuser, I would get nasty toward the abuser and protect the victim with my life

Sadly, there isn't a lot you can do if the parent is just enabling the son--this happened in our family. The other 5 sibs knew nothing about it until time came to move mother and dad out of their "big house" Oldest brother had robbed them of about 70% of the equity in their home, their silverware, coin collections, anything of value that wasn't nailed down. Once he was "outed" for it, his comment and attitude was "I am the oldest son and this is my right". What an idiot. Dad and mom were just prey to this vulture. They wound up with nothing, really, moved into an apt youngest brother built on to his house and they sadly lived there. Daddy died 12 years ago, mother has her SS, but she couldn't live on that alone--so she lives there for free and pays a small portion of the utilities.
We could not have stopped elder brother, he squandered all the money and wouldn't work, so legally, we did nothing. Parents didn't want him to "suffer" so they just sucked it up and sold their home. It was a sad, sad situation. Eldest brother died 4 years ago---having been MIA for about 12 years. In retrospect, I know we could not have talked mother and dad into seeing the light. Eldest brother was the golden child and they simply let him rob them. I don't know if APS could or would have helped. They LET him take from them. So sad.

We have the same situation, gone so far as to transfer ownership of her house to youngest son who has been in and out of prison all his life. Mom, age 93, refuses to do anything that would send him back to prison. My sister will be moving in to monitor this son's treatment of my mom. Unfortunately, she gets all the work, he gets all the assets. Mom is mentally competent so we have been told there is nothing we can do.

OMGoodness! This story sounds almost like what my BIL did to my MIL. I became her POA and stopped all of the money going to him, except when she took him out to lunch, etc. However, when she passed away and had some money left, we had to pay off the line of credit, leaving very little for the rest of the family. By the time I paid off all the bills, we ended up having to evict him since he was living in her duplex and we had to sell it. Research showed us that over the years he lived there and never paid his bills (mommy ended up doing it), plus the line of credit credit card he ran up to the max, he ended up with over 100,000. He actually tried to sue his sister who was the executress because she didn't give him anything when the duplex was sold. (But the rest of the family got very little) Long story short, my SIL's lawyer and his lawyer spoke and his lawyer dropped him. It was so worth the fight. It floors me to know that people are so greedy with their parents money. But in our case, my FIL always felt 'sorry' for his son who could never get his life together. And in doing that to his son, he enabled him. I feel for you, and know how difficult it can make life. Hang in there..