How can differences between siblings be resolved without conflict concerning the care for our Mom?

Tell us what you mean by irrational and overprotective. Is there a disagreement amongst the three of you about what level of care mom requires? About whether mom should still be allowed to drive, manage her money? Need more information to be able to give you any real advice.

Try to find out from your sister specifically what her concerns are. Then try to show her that these things are being taken care of, and that there is no need for her to be concerned about these things. Also, do make sure you are dotting all your "i's" and crossing all of your "t's" in regards to your mother's medical care and her finances. This could avoid any possible legal trouble down the road. If your sister is still unreasonable, then it is her irrational need for control causing the problem. Just make sure you are always acting in your mother's best interests, and taking good care of her, and that is all you can do. Best of luck.

Having a parent or spouse with Alzheimer's can cause a lot of emotions. When we see how vulnerable they are, it's easy to become overly protective. Still, your sister should be sharing information with the rest of you.

Another thought: Your dad died three months ago, so your mom is probably in deep grief (even if people don't think she knows - she does). It could be that your mom is declining rapidly in part because of the loss of your dad and your sister is afraid that she will be blamed for this decline since she's currently in charge.

The only way, of course, if to find a way to communicate. Gently assure her that you know that your mom is in a downward spiral and no one can do anything to stop that. Let her know that you feel she's doing a great job. You just want to know how things are going like she does when you are taking care of your mom.

If that doesn't work, perhaps a friend of the family can talk with her. Sometimes someone outside the family can seem more unbiased and people will open up.

Good luck,
Carol

This is tough. Sounds like you live near each other. I would call a family meeting with a social worker/counselor and try to talk things through that way. You may need to consider one of you being "in charge". Clarifying expectations of each of you is critical.

It is obvious that you are a close family and you are trying to do the best for your Mom, kudos for your valiant effort! That being said, some people are less able to take the emotional strain than others and need more support.

Having three sisters, one brother and a mother with dementia had its very volatile moments when she was alive (dec. 2002). Being the youngest with the nursing education only made it worse because they did not allow my professional judgment to help our mother. Consequently, I filed for guardianship, the court made all four of them co-guardians, and I kept taking them to court because her care was suffering. The judge sided with me, and changes were made, but not before I was accused of being irrational, etc. After her death, we were civil for the funeral, however, in 12 yrs. we do not speak to one another, my brother died in 2003, and I have no idea the status of my sisters. So decide now how you want to proceed, because things only get worse (stressors) before they end with the death of your mother. My condolences on the death of your father.

I think was Sueber48's suggestion was a good one: a family meeting with a professional such as a social worker would be a very good thing. Emotions always run high in these situations; my sister and I run hot and cold and I've learned to accept this. The important thing: try to find your serenity. Easier said than done but please, try to make a concentrated effort to calm yourself with music, or meditation or prayer, or walking or whatever works for you. I recently took up knitting. It helps enormously when shut off the negative chatter and thoughts in your head.

Dear rubydee, May sound harsh but It sounds to me like priorities are out of order. This may sound cruel but at this point in time the focus should be on your MOM, not your sister.
If she can no longer be receptive to you all, then maybe she needs a break from it all. Everyone's feelings are important, however, as I said "Your Mom should be the priority". In my own experience, a long time care giver to both my parents, someone has to step up and set it straight for your Mom!! Once the boundaries are set and all are on board with what is needed, then hopefully things will go smoother, but if not, someone may get their feelings hurt. I have done what was best for my parents, not my siblings. Best to you as you continue, remember who is most important and be sure you take care of yourself along the way, if you are the main caregiver, all the help you can get is important, but sometimes their are to many Chiefs and not enough Indians!!!

There is a lot of denial in your family as the reality of the level of care required sinks in and how it instantly changes people's lives. In family members there are varying levels of resistance to this. What I can tell from your story is that you are blaming your father for what is now happening and how your life is now turned upside down. I know because I still blame my father for not leaving any provisions for my Mum. But since you as a family are overwhelmed by the care your Mother requires - it is certain that you and perhaps others in your family were not really listening or seeing how overwhelmed your father was in caring for your Mum - he might have even been protecting you so you could get on with your normal lives as long as possible - sacrificing for you. That's very possible.
Words like overprotective and irrational - I'm glad you were direct and used them. Those are your feelings - so important you are truthful - but do not believe they represent the "truth" or the whole story. Those were the words that were used against me years ago when I started to look after Mum. I'm not saying this is so - but hear me out - it may save you and your siblings a lot of pain and your Mom a great deal of suffering. There is often a sensitive one who is able to see more of your Mom's needs. It may well not be you. It is likely your sister. It does also make them seem crazy to others. Demential / Alzheimers care is a bottomless pit that I've been exploring for 8 years now. There is SO much that can be done - but many are able only to see or know the extent of the needs - especially the psychological ones and as they learn accommodate those needs as their lives are being rewritten by what they see. It makes sense - we protect ourselves from too much change. There are so many layers of denial. But not everyone is like that - some are ready for more sacrifice. Those who are willing to sacrifice more should be supported, the family should rally around them and ensure that they are compensated either through time or money, and through encouragement, so they can keep delivering and exploring the best possible level of family care for your Mum's sake. Your sister may be leading with her heart. This needs real shared leadership for you to care for your Mum as a family. This needs humility - and the highest level of teamwork. This is very personal and it is possible that my experience may not apply to you. Take what feels like a fit - and I wish you courage and love enough.

I am the younger sibling and can appreciate what ferris1 said. My sister, who is only three years older than me, has always acted like I know nothing b/c I'm younger. Really? It is so strange how childhood carries well into adulthood. The reason I say all of this is because perhaps your younger sister feels her input or suggestions are not respected. I, too, would prefer to keep communication with my sister to emails b/c talking with her is exhausting. So long as we keep the conversation light and cheery (basically like small talk with a stranger) she acts okay toward me. The second the conversation is not rainbows and lollipops, like regarding our parents, she becomes chiding and condescending. The best part is that she knows she doesn't have to lift a finger regarding their care. Sorry! That is my situation. Just trying to see if your sib might feel this way. I would like to cut ties w/ mine but she told me I was hormonal. See? Writes me off as though i couldn't possibly be serious. And if your sister just wants to communicate via email, what's the problem? As long as your mother's needs are being met, no offense but it sounds like you are trying to control your sister's relationship with you.

I am the youngest of 9 and I am the one responsible for my mothers care in the sense of bills and house care and medical care. 3 of the four girls and I rotate staying with mom when the aid leaves for the day. My youngest brother's wife tries to interject drama but we have decided to ignore her and whatever nonsense they bring and just work with the four of us girls about her daily care and notify them in emergency situations ONLY. We also experience Dementia issues with mom but we learn how to deal with it TOGETHER. I also have medical and all power of Attorney concerning mom. So maybe you should get one person to handle things and everyone work together through that person. Sometimes it will get overwhelming but i am sure she hates this as much as you all. But she needs ALL OF YOU to find a way to work together. by the way one brother is a lawyer and I still override all decisions because he is busy, so dont feel guilty about what is being done for mom just as long as things benefit her. She knows when their is tension between the siblings. She knows!!

Before my Dad passed away four years ago, he kept telling me that there was something wrong with our mother. I think he came to me with his every time I visited, because I was the only one with a medical background. I had noticed that our Mom became agitated and moody very easily, but had no idea that she was show timing the majority of any day. There are seven siblings total in our family. The dynamics between us is less than perfect, actually they are horrid.

Our Dad was actually the hub of our family, and now that he is gone, there is nothing but hostility between the majority of the siblings. Our two oldest siblings were made Executors of our parents will and my oldest brother has POA over Mom's finances. From the get go, they hit the ground running and sold our parents house and it's furnishings. According to three of our siblings, they were never informed about the estate auction and found out about it through word of mouth. My parents had said in their will that everything was to be sold and proceeds were to be used to care for our mother. I won't go into a long lengthy story, but unfortunately our family is totally torn apart now. The middle children resent the older ones claiming that they have taken advantage of our mother in her old age. They are angry with mom because she removed them totally from her will after she was told that they had said as far as they were concern she was dead and they wanted nothing to do with her. These three siblings have not come to see her in the four years since our father died, nor have they offered any assistance for her care. Yes, they came forward and slammed our oldest siblings when our Mom decided to gift four of us with money from her estate. They literally were enraged about it. They didn't want anything to do with the care of our Mother, yet they wanted to be financially compensated when it came to her money.

I'm the youngest daughter, and honesty, I would gladly give my portion of inheritance to these siblings if I thought it would relieve the resentment of our siblings towards our Mother. This resentment goes deep, as our Mother was undiagnosed manic depressive while we were growing up and left open wounds. Mom had her favorites and played us against each other. When it comes to family Dynamics, it's like tossing dice when parents age and depend on the care of their children when the time comes. Each child has their own way of dealing with the emotional aspect of losing their parents. I had to learn to let my siblings grieve their own way and not try to control the situation how I wanted it to play out. Unfortunately, our Mother is reaping what she sowed out over the years with her disregarding and hurtful additive towards her children. Is it fair? Is it going to resolve all the issues NOW between the siblings once our Mother is gone? My guess is the hurt and pain is just to damaging. I've even suggested we all go into family therapy to work through it and regain some semblance of family unity; but have been shut down with all the anger and resentment. Good luck on resolving your issues with your sister. The waters run deep in these areas where parental care is concern.

My suggestion is to go back and read Ferris1 reply again. She is ALWAYS on target in these posts (in my opinion). I think what we all can learn from her experience is that it is in the past and now she is retelling her story to all of us.
It has been over a year that me, my mom and my two older brothers have been fighting in the courts over the "family money". 11 years ago, it WAS agreed upon by all family members that wanted my older brother in charge of the trust. That was 11 years ago! The way things have happened, the things that have been done, the lies that have been told, have all combined into me and mom NOT wanting his as the trustee. (but for some reason one of my brilliant brothers thinks what was agreeed to back then is how everyone should feel now after 11 years of having experinces with him in charge.) Btw, my mom's favorite thing to say about him now is...."that boy of mine is a liar, a thief, and a drug addict."
Anyway....
You have to hire a lawyer NOW! Get things put down on paper. Hopefully your mom has enough of her marbles to say to a lawyer or a doctor what HER wishes are. So far me and my mom and trust money has been spent upwards of $75,000! The darn trust was only worth $300,000 when this all started!
(personally I have stopped feeding my lawyer and my final total from MY OWN money is $24,277.50) Mom is still spending her own money to get older bro to step down as trustee in the tune of $35,000. Both my older brothers get to keep this going on and on and on since they get to use the trust to pay THEIR lawyer bills.... so far about $18,000. Lucky them to not have to use their OWN money!

Who is your mom's Power of Attorney?
Is there a Will?
How about health care issues?
If you feel it is bad 3 months in, I can't even begin to tell you how much worse it is going to be at 6 months, one year, and five years down the road. Get mediation and/or lawyers, and/or social workers INVOLVED YESTERDAY!!

My first thought when reading your question was "one of you has to die".
Sorry, that was too harsh, wasn't it?
My one sibling lives about 200 miles away and doesn't want to know how mom is doing. Doesn't call, write or come for 20 years. I am SOO thankful that I don't have to deal with him.
Perhaps you could suggest how blessed you all are to have each other to help care for your mom. If someone disagrees with something they need to discuss with everyone to work it out together.

I would be more concerned, as others have said, with my mother's emotional well being. All this "help" coming in after your father died, could be stressing her out, not to mention the family squabbles.

caregiving can put a lot of strain on sibbling relationships. So be it. The focus should be on Mom and nobody but Mom.

There is no mention of what caused your sister to turn a bend, as it sounds as if up to a point all of you had been working fairly well together. Can't you just ask her what is up? How could anyone here know? Is there a big disparity between what everyone agrees she needs? How is your sister being overly protective? It is very hard to get a number of people to agree on almost anything, but if everyone truly does want the best for your mother, I guess majority should rule.

Good luck. First, my story, then my suggestion shaped by my experience.

One of my sibs & spouse who live just 5 minutes from my parents just wouldn't make my parents' needs a priority. Other sibs and I are hours away. I couldn't stand to see mom suffer because nearby sib couldn't make the time so I got more involved and got care sorted out. My guiding principal for all recommendations and decisions was "What is best for Mom and Dad" (not what's easier for us kids and our families). Fortunately Mom and Dad have resources to pay for adequate help and don't actually require much day to day help from us kids. What they do need is an advocate to help them get quality care, help them make decisions and ensure that there is follow through amongst the many members of their medical teams. Against Mom's wishes and my concerns with the facility, my sibling convinced dad to move mom into Assisted Living. Mom has had numerous preventable medical issues since moving to AL and Dad is uncomfortable advocating for her on his own. The one sibling has always been a my way or the highway type and will not consider anyone's else's input. Didn't want the responsibility of stopping by or calling several times a week to see what they needed and just wanted them in facilities where someone else is responsible. Ultimately this sib declared Dad and me to be narcissists and refuses to have any contact with us because we did the things sib/spouse couldn't find time for instead of waiting for them to get around to it. What a cop out. They proudly wave their "no contact" flag as an excuse for not doing a thing to help with our parents.

With this God awful experience under my belt, I'm now watching my spouse's step mom becoming very selfish as my father in law's health is rapidly deteriorating. She is refusing the help that HE clearly needs because she doesn't want people underfoot and won't give up driving despite everyone's pleading. I have recommended the family hire a certified Geriatric Care Manager to try to get MIL to focus on both of their needs, not just her own desires. Otherwise, I'm trying to stay out of it because I'm jaded by how things went with my own family. It seems the older we all get, the more life experiences there are to shape our perspectives, good and bad. It's easy to get married to our own ideas as a result. I'm hopeful that someone that is not a family member but an objective third party knowledgeable in all the options can get everyone on the same page before these family relationships are strained to the point of breaking.

Has anyone had a positive experience with a GCM in a prickly situation? How did you choose a GCM?

You all need to grow up and put the needs of your Mother before your own.

It's really sad, that someone who lives five minutes away from their parents, would find just stopping by for a while to check on them to be a burden and intrusion.
Parents are precious. Caring for them is a priviledge. It's a gift we have been given, so that we might be close to them once more, before God takes them. It's as they say, "the present is God's gift to us."

rubydee, she is burned out already. That leaves two, who will burn out next?
If you could get Mom to Assisted Living, it would take 80% of the burden off your shoulders. You can still see her as often as you want, without getting worn down to a stump.

This is a sad state shared by many. My brother, sister and I also had and have trouble getting on the same page. One thing that works is that every email is shared by all. Dad is with me, and I email them updates, photos from my cell phone etc. My brother manages the money, I do the care taking, my sister is 2500 miles away. My brother and I see the doctor with Dad q 6 weeks right now, and my brother updates my sister with a copy to me. That helps, MOSTLY.

Keep in mind, a lot of childhood issues come out during this time. Each person must find an individual way to manage and keep those personal issues out of the care of mom.

Good luck to you all.

Oh, does this sounds familiar, only I didn't get the extra help tho others tried to push it on me. There's a lot of good, practical advice being given here about what needs to be done, but I'll just touch on the emotional. I'll bet I was seen as irrational and overprotective too. Everything right now is in total flux for all of you, and things are sensitive for everyone. You're grieving for Dad and Mom's condition now takes center stage and it falls to you and your siblings to work together for her care. Maybe what was somewhat abstract for your sister is now reality, maybe she's I&O because she's got one parent left and she realizes that Mom could go at any time. We know that many times when one parent dies, the other goes within a year. It could be just hitting her. Ideally, you can have a family meeting and just talk about things on equal terms and listen to each other. Take it gently with her, and with each other. Tell her you're concerned but give her time. Don't be pushy! There's pressure on all of you at the moment so don't toss more on one particular sibling or on yourself because she maybe handling the emotional aspects differently. Some handle changes well, others may have a harder time adjusting. Is it worth hurt feelings and estrangement? Be good to each other for the long road ahead. This can bring out the best in people, and unfortunately the worst as well as some examples given here. May things work out the best for you.

Ruby, I wish we knew more about you mom's situation so we could quit speculating about what is going on. You should be aware that you are using powerfully negative language about your sister's behavior.

Ruby, you're all going through an emotional minefield. I'm surprised that no one has yet seemed to flag up that it's only 3 months since you lost your dad. Rough on you three children as well as a difficult change for your poor mother, with grief, anger, uncertainty, anxiety all mixed up together.

You must all be feeling so thin-skinned you might as well have been flayed. Look, I'm the youngest, and my mother's caregiver, and I get called over-protective, secretive, controlling etc etc etc too. We are slowly slowly sorting it out, and by endless patience and a good deal of lip biting we're getting there.

You all three need to link arms and remember that you are in the same boat and aiming for the same place - your mother's safety and wellbeing. There are *bound* to be differences of opinion about how to get there. So draw up some ground rules about communication - no interrupting, no contradicting, no personal remarks, everyone to be cc'd in every email, that kind of thing - and see if you can't start again. For God's sake be nice to each other - you've got enough troubles without falling out.

You have not mentioned if your mother has any money to speak. You DO need to find out why your sister is acting this way. I have two sisters who began to act strangely toward me a couple of years ago. They became secretive and somewhat aggressive in there dealings with me concerning our mother. One sister in particular was worse, the one who did the most for Mom. Turns out, they were spending a lot of our mother's money on themselves, lying to Mom and to me. I tried to get it resolved, but it had reached the point where they had her completely groomed to believe they weren't doing anything wrong, and that I was the one who was the problem because I was causing "family discord." I reported them to the State, but of course the State didn't do anything about it, because my Mom said nothing was wrong. (She does have dementia, only it's probably not in her medical records, yet.) Mother has NO idea that they are recklessly spending her money on themselves.

The end result of this story, is that I started seeing an excellent counselor a few months ago to deal with the horrible treatment of me by my siblings, and now I have chosen to "divorce" my family of origin. I'm moving on and I am already seeing that my life if becoming much better without them.

It is amazing to me now that so many families try to have relationships with each other, no matter how dysfunctional, just because they are blood.

I hope you find your answer to this to be much less a problem than mine was. Just be aware that the strange and aggressive behavior of your sister, can be a huge red flag of something not right.

We each have had our experiences with siblings. I agree with countrymouse that you need to link arms and help each other. Going through this time must be tough on everyone. After your mom passes on to be with your Dad, whenever that may be. The siblings will still be around to put up with one another!!
For 2.5 month you said that all went as well as could be expected. So be sensitive to one another and be glad that there are several sets of eyes and ears near to Mom to see how she is doing. Share the troubles, joys and small successes of caring for a parent!! You will all be bonded and have a better time of it when mom is gone!! Blessings to you!!

I think you and your siblings are doing your best however, the role of primary caregiver was that of your father's and it appears he was working very hard to cover all your mother's needs. It is common for an elderly spouse/caregiver to pass away before the spouse they are caring for.

I doubt if the current arrangement of splitting up the week of coverage will be workable for an extended period of time. However, perhaps the siblings can supervise the mother's care with a live in caregiver or mother attending adult day care for the work week. Perhaps an assisted living situation will work. But regardless of which way the siblings turn from now on, the supervision and payment of the care will be decided by the 3 of you.
This is the legacy your father has left. You will be able to figure it out but you will be formulating the Plan B for Mom. If everyone can keep Mom's needs first it will be solvable.

I would see an elder lawyer to get paper work in place so someone has responsibility for the financial costs and someone has the ability to act in her behave for health matters. She is unable to handle this herself and the spouse is gone so you need to have a replacement. The good news is you have siblings to share the work. Being an only child I had it all on my plate. So you do have an easier route if everyone continues to work together.

I agree with Sueber48. I think the best way to proceed is to have a family meeting mediated by a professional. Family dysfunction when dealing with a parent with Alzheimer's is so difficult. I think the disagreements should be worked out now before you end up not speaking to your siblings ever again.

I agree with all of you. MarkJohn makes a lot of sense. Someone has to be in charge, but most definitely needs everyone to stand behind them. There are four of us siblings in my family, and I am the only one to look after my mother other than my stepdad, and we are doing the best we can. It's tough. Let's remember that each of us is different, and some siblings aren't cut out for being caretaker. It's all about the patient and keeping a what's best for them in mind. Thank u for the idea of having someone to preside over a meeting of siblings.

Sorry to hear you're having this problem. My brother and I have been through this. I live about an hour away from Mom & Dad and he lives 1,500 miles away. I send him weekly updates about what happened over the weekend and what I learned about happening during the week (we have 24/7 in-home care). In our phone conversations, he would scream and yell at me about not calling sooner or not discussing things with him or whatever. He could push my buttons!! It became so stressful for me that I sought counseling. The counselor recommended to cease verbal communication and have all conversations via email. Through this form, I was able to keep my responses pleasant and avoid combativeness. Plus, I had documentation. It irritated him very much that I wouldn't talk to him and he really tried to insist on verbal communication. He went so far as to say his email replies were bounced back. There were a few times that we would talk on the phone. Once he was in the car with his wife and daughter and I was on speaker phone. Almost immediately, he began screaming and yelling. After three warnings, I hung up.

Now, he seems to have settled down a bit. He's appreciative of what I do and that I go to great lengths to keep him informed on a weekly basis. In our last phone call, he thanked me and I thanked him for having a pleasant discussion.

Although he is my brother, he is not my friend. We have to keep ourselves civil for everyone's benefit. If he starts yelling at me again, I will go back to email-only form of communication.

I guess my point is there are blessings in emails. Hope your situation will improve!