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Rubydee, I'm the youngest of three. My oldest brother passed away, my middle brother is six years older and I have always been treated as the youngest and the dumbest. It has taken 4 1/2 years of my partner caring for mom for my brother to finally agree that if he lives four hours away, is not going to help financially then I have no issue giving him updates but telling me what is best for mom doers not fly with me. We are the ones getting up with her all night, making sure meds are correct, food she will eat is always around and most of my family especially her crazy sister who wants control and me with the POA have to do a weekly fight with one family member or another to the point I have cut off almost all contact with them but my kids and my brother. Over the years we have finally become closer than we have ever been mainly because he don't want the responsibility and goes to bat for us to keep disruptive family that only upset my mom away. Being the youngest I think sometimes we tend to love our parents too much if that is possible and for whatever reason see it is our job the be the protector. I would set down with your sister and just be honest that all of you love your mom and want the best for her but the way I see it with my family, someone has to have the final decision and that should be whoever is doing the most caregiving I think. I hope you can work it out because I have lost so much family over this holidays have turned from standing room only to sit down dinners and in my case I don't think it can be repaired,,,so if you can, don't let it get to that. God bless, it hard on everyone on all sides it seems.
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I don't have a clear answer however I wanted to point out that a number of people have said that the "focus should be solely on Mom"--and with respect I don't think that is a helpful approach when trying to get adults to work together. Unless someone is single, with no kids, and independently wealthy--they likely have other adult responsibilities besides Mom. If you tell the siblings in effect that their own kids don't matter compared to Mom--which is what some folks seem to be suggesting--it seems reasonable that some siblings would push back on that. I think the suggestion that some have made that a mediator who is not a blood relative get involved who can listed to everyone's point of view is more helpful.
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You cannot control other people's behavior. You can only control your response to it.
If things get really to the point it is harming your mom, you need to go to court and have someone appointed Guardian. That will solve a lot of problems over who is in charge. It may alleviate your communication issues to have a neutral 3rd party, experienced in dealing with vulnerable adults' needs, appointing someone. They will usually choose someone geographically closest, who is able to spend the time.
Good luck. Some day your sister may "get over" whatever it is (and it may just be grief) and I hope you will be ready to listen to her. She isnt the Devil.
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I think a 'straight' approach is in order, everyone sit down and you say that you all are her for mom, that is what we need to focus on, we need to work together as a team to do this. I'm sure it's been difficult with your father's passing and picking up the caregiver role (for each of you). It's been an adjustment for everyone. Just remember, you and your siblings are a team and must work together for the good of your mother. Working together will allow you to take care of your mother the best you can and that's what is important.
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There is the old saying 'is that the hill you want to die on'. Another is 'there's more than one way to skin a cat'. When taking in a number of opinions, opinions offered covertly or overtly by spouses, underlying motivations, financial situations, etc. there is a lot to sort through. I have a good friend who comes from a family of 10 siblings. There was never any money left by the parents for any of the kids so there were no ulterior motives regarding anyone's inheritance, since there wasn't any. Some of the kids were more financially successful than others, but all were self sufficient and worked together to do the best thing by their mother who lived to be very old. Their dad passed away early so he was not a consideration. Conversely, in my family, there are five of us. We were raised in an environment where money was held over our heads and my parents have it. Now everyone but me seems to be very interested in what is going to be left to them. I have two sisters who are nurses and two brothers who have 'typical' male oriented careers - one an accountant and one an engineer. I am a woman, the oldest and was a business person (high level sales, mostly to male customers in an industrial setting). I was 'told' to marry well and not worry about working; some man would support me. As it turned out, my ex moved everything we had to an overseas bank account and I had to start over (about 28 years ago) with three kids to support. My parents never knew how tenuous my financial situation was because I never shared it and they never wanted to know. But as a result of my life experience, I learned to do for myself and not to expect anyone to bail me out or make me a princess. I made my own way. I have been remarried for a long time, my kids all went to college and have their own personal success and I have steered clear of the monumentous family drama. My parents created this and all but me seem to thrive on it. I would do things differently than some of my siblings and I also would step in if my parents were being in any way abused. But to me, it is fantasy land to think all five of us would ever have a meeting of the minds. I choose my battles, and stay out of the fray. There are a lot of ways to accomplish what needs to be done in the end, particularly when there are sufficient funds to get them done. But trying to control anyone's behavior other than your own is not going to happen. Another good saying 'only speak common sense to someone who HAS common sense or they won't listen anyway'. To a certain extent, all parents create the family dynamic long before they are old and feeble and need to be helped.
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You are so lucky to have your sisters here. My two sisters are living overseas and I am totally alone in looking after my mom although she is living in a home. It is emotionally draining and so hard to deal with. If I am unable to see her then she has no one going to see her and it makes me feel so terrible as I am working all day and have a part time job in the evenings. I am left to see her in my lunch hour and that is also coming to an end as my firm I am working for during the day is moving very far away from where we are at present in December 2014. I am so afraid that my mom is going to go down further without my seeing her.
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There's only one of you, Arlene, and only 24 hours in the day. Don't give yourself a hard time when you're already doing all you can. Big hug.
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Who ever is taking care of Mom and staying there gets to make the rules. When it's not your turn you have to shut up. Tell you sister's this new rule. You all love your Mom and you will all take care of her in your own way. Simple, keep it simple! Other wise you will end up like most of us on this site who can't stand their siblings. Your Mom raised all of you and what she gets from each of you is what she gets.
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Breakdown, do we possibly have the same sister? I am 2.5 years younger, my sis for the first time the other day told me that she was my dads favorite and I was my moms. She has (in not so many words) said that she was neglected and everything she did she got in trouble. Seriously she was drunk and threw up on the dining room table when she was like 19? That is the only thing that I can think of that she did. She said that I would come home stoned and get away with it. Well I did, but I do not think I was treated any different than she was. She has treated me poorly my entire life. She hates me so much that it is scary that someone can feel so much hate. I have always tried to get along with her. I get in the same trap over and over. (you would think I would know better) I begin to trust her and think ok she really is trying to help mom and then she makes a dr appoint and say she is getting a social worker and than I AM NOT allowed to come to the doctor which of course makes me suspicious. My BIL got on the phone today and said HE does not want me to go and I said give me a reason and he said "I don't have to give you s*hit! I said FU and hung up. I am not going to the appointment tomorrow and I will just find out what is happening when its over. I promise this When my mom passes I WILL NEVER speak with her or her husband (who btw used to be really nice) again. Only when she lets me know about my DAD and that is it. She has caused so much trouble that my sons will not talk to her or her husband, She was very good to my sons with money of course. That is how she communicates, with money and feels that is all she has to do. I know exactly how you feel breakdown, (even though I just made this about myself, sorry) Hugs to you and everyone on this website.
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Breakdown has very good points. So what if your only means of communication is email and maybe her being overprotective isn't such a bad idea.
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Oh and btw theres no inheritance here. A few thousand dollars that I may or may not get so I don't lose this home. So Its not about money. Its about control.
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"Is that the hill you want to die on ?" I love that, filing it away for future use.
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Thank you.
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Thank you, fligirl. Don't apologize for telling your story. I think 99.9 percent of all of the problems with siblings ( or relationships period) is everyone wants to feel heard and respected. Some command it and others feel they don't get their turn. Would certainly make things a lot easier in so many ways. I think it's so sad that the relationships you have the longest in your life, technically speaking, with your siblings, can become so difficult. I totally, completely agree with frustrated2's comment that parents greatly influence the dynamic between siblings, perhaps unknowingly. Rivalry rears its ugly head at times when support is of the utmost importance! So crazy, isn't it? I reiterate what I said in my first comment, with no offense to rubydee whatsoever, that email might well be the way to go to eliminate frustration and emotion at a time when everyone's tired and frustrated from the rigors of caregiving.
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Sorry... I don't think I made that clear.... things would be a lot easier if everyone were given their fair turn to be heard. My apologies!
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My response weighs in on two articles on this thread - this one and the question about caring for in-laws. My brother lives 5 mi from my mom who lives alone in her own (shabby) home. I live 30 mi away. He is a pilot so he is rarely home. His wife has been taking on his responsibility of taking mom to doctor then will not share with me (daughter). It has caused great confusion as it did when my dad was dying of cancer. Having the same last name she purported herself to be the daughter to gain access to medical records and info. This angered me to confront her which started a family rowe. They recently took my mom from a retirement home that was close to me and I was providing the care. Now that mom is back to living alone she's not getting the care she needs, I'm back to taking her to doctors when she is sick cause they're not observant enough. Turns out mom has pneumonia and COPD one year now after hip fracture and replacement. They definitely want to be the Chiefs and control mom and her money. I've been called irrational and worse. But it is always me that comes through to get her the medical care she needs. How can I get them to understand I need this to be easier on me and put her back in the retirement center that was convenient. She is a shut-in, can't drive and shabby trailer needs to be sold.
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Did your mother agree to the move from the retirement home? Is your brother her POA? If your mother agreed and is mentally competent, then I don't know what you can really do, as she is the one making the decisions.
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