My mom's reality is that she is afraid of my dad: both physically and financially. She gets angry with me and says "when am I going to remove my dad from the house?" I want to be reassuring and redirect her, but I don't want to agree with the accusations of my dad.
I agree with JoAnn that she may benefit from meds for anxiety and agitation, and her MPoA would be the one to help bring this about. Who is her MPoA? If she doesn't have one, this is a challenge that needs to be addressed.
You can't 'agree' with your mother on this subject, but perhaps let her know that the gentleman she's so afraid of is a friend and a person who loves her. He's there to help her and to be a companion, never to hurt her in any way. See how she responds to that. Although unlikely, she may respond in a positive fashion if she thinks he's there as a friend and not her husband. The damaged mind changes daily, sometimes hourly, and with calming meds on board, you may be able to get a better reaction from mom (HOPEFULLY); otherwise, you have little recourse but to place her.
I suggest you read this 33 page booklet (which is a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia.
The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
She also has published a workbook entitled, “It Isn’t Common Sense: Interacting with People Who Have Memory Loss Due to Dementia.”
https://www.amazon.com/Isnt-Common-Sense-Interacting-Dementia/dp/1481995995/ref=sr_1_4?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468655&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-4
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
Dementia can compound the already increased stress and frustration of other health and aging problems. The entire world is in turmoil.
Maybe caretaking has become overwhelming for your dad and the stress is manifesting itself when no one else is around. Nobody’s perfect. Could he be losing his temper in desperation, pure exhaustion, or frustration with his own aging?
When your mom was younger, she could get out, spend time with friends, socialize or go places on her own to get away and give herself a break. Maybe she feels stuck there 24/7.
Hire someone to come in and help to take the edge off your dad’s pressure. Spend some time with each of them alone, doing an activity that is individually selected to relieve stress for each of them.
If your dad is 100% mentally, he will need breaks from your mom and your aunt to stay emotionally healthy.
When your mom is asking about “removing him from the house,” they may both benefit at a minimum, from a break.
It might be time to either get full time caregivers to care for them both or to place them both in Memory Care. (Or if dad is functioning fairly well Assisted Living where he can still do some tasks but there will be help anytime he needs it. )
If you are not there all the time you do not know what dad's "breaking point" is. There may be times when he gets angry. I know I got angry with my Husband but I would leave the room..I knew I was getting upset.. Or if he would start getting frustrated I would stop what I was doing and do something else or distract him in some way. Can your dad still do that?
In your mother's case, you cannot go along with her dementia nonsense about your father. If redirecting her doesn't work, when she starts up about your father ignore it. Refuse to discuss it with her. Tell anyone else who visits her or who talks to her on the phone that when the nonsese about your father comes up, refuse to discuss one word about it. If it's a phone call, hang up on her. If someone is visiting they should try to redirect her if they can, but absolutely give no acknowledgement of her delusions about your father.
She will get angry. She will likely have tantrums too. This is going to happen anyway. She'll forget about it and move on to something or someone else quicker if her delusion about your father gets no attention from anyone.
Also, talk to her doctor about being prescribed some medication that can help with her delusions.
Normally, you just go along with whatever the person says, but I can see how how that would be. Maybe just discount it. Say, “well you know how Dad is”.
On the more likely side of your mom being delusional, when she starts up, just ignore what she says and redirect her. Let here yammer on and then cut her off mid sentence and say “it’s time for lunch, how about that soup you love?” Or say, “I think it’s time for your show to be on” or “how about some music, I’ll put on that music you like”. Just cut her off, while ignoring the hate she spews and redirect with something she may find enjoyment in. Or try asking her a question while she’s in the middle of her rant…like “whatever happen to the lady across the street with the cats” or whatever. Just something to change the subject.
Easier said than done, I know. Or as some others have said, walk out of the room, if it’s a call, hang up. Whatever method you choose, know you can’t argue and you can’t reason with a dementia patient. It just causes more stress for you and her.
Ignore and/or redirect. Keep us posted if you find something that works for you so others can use it.