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My mom lives with us in the state of Washington. We have taken care of her financially for the last 10-18 years in some way. When she moved in with us 5 years ago, we agreed she would be active and contribute around the house with chores. She retired early at 62 with no retirement plan, is now 79 and has little to no social security. Has back issues, so she says she cannot work. Has stopped helping around the house in the last 2 years and rarely leaves her room. My husband and I work 2 jobs and make good money, but we feel resentful that she doesn’t help in any way around the house and feels somewhat entitled to the help she gets. We want her out of our house so we can have our own space. Not sure what to do with her situation.

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I don't understand, I think there is an underlying issue i'm missing here.
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Help her apply for Medicade
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I would contact the Dept of Aging in Washington state to clarify what mom may potentially qualify for. They are the branch that regulates the helpful suggestions you’ve received like Adult Day Health Care & your initial question about an AL facility.
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I think it’s kinda cruel that you want to put her out.

Because of her back pain, she may not be able to squat down at the washer, or vacuum, or mow the lawn, or whatever chores you see her as having.

If she reasonably cleans up after herself and sits in her room, what are you out?
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Your state does have some publicly funded assisted living options. Call your area wide agency on aging and find out what’s available in your situation.
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Always check with your state…Virginia does not but New York State's Assisted Living Program (ALP) pays the cost of services in licensed assisted living residences throughout the state for qualified individuals. Participants must require a high level of care, typically equivalent to the level of care in a nursing home.
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Do you have any siblings? Maybe it's time for one of them to experience the joy of having your mother live with them?
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You have very few options. Independent or assisted living will cost you plenty. If all she has is “back trouble,” a nursing home paid for by Medicaid is out of the question. At 79, it’s very doubtful that anyone would hire her. If you both work during the day, putting her in Adult Day Care may help her but it won’t benefit you. Do you have siblings that might agree to take her in for part of the year?

in the meantime, I would insist that she help around the house. Millions of people have “back trouble” and keep on going, Your mother sounds both lazy and entitled. Staying in her room might be her way of shirking chores while staying out of sight. She must know that you do not want her there any longer.
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Hello, before I comment on your situation I am going to assume this person you are talking about is your biological Mom. And she raised you, provided for you when you could not provide for yourself? You say she rarely leaves her room so she is not around brothering anyone? You and your husband make good money? What's the problem? I wish I had my Mom with me but she died at age 60 in my arms. If your Mom doesn't have any income she should be able to get assistance from the state. Check out the Adult Day Care for her during the day to keep her involved with others and make some friends. I understand they would pick her up and bring her back home and the state will pay for the Adult Day Care. I am a caregiver for my 75 year old husband and 70 year old sister which both have demential. Please do not discard you Mom just love her and take care of her as long as you can have her with you. I am not judging you by no means because I do not have the right to judge anyone. I will pray for you and your Mom to come to a favorable solution for your situation.
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Roxytattoo2021 Aug 2022
i can never imagine a daughter can resent a mom who is in need, the only thing that came to my mind is the mother wasn’t nice or helpful when she was a kid or growing up without a loving mom, but I have learned since I was in my 3O+, started saving for my retirement, when one is old and grey, it’s absolutely a must to have money , otherwise even your own blood resents you , Sign…..
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In addition to conferring with her doctor for further assessments, ask for a referral to a qualified Case Manager to further assist you all with options and choices. There is a maze to navigate and, having the best qualified Case Manager to assist is important. The assessment for cognitive ability is important to determine if she is capable of making her own decisions; also you need to be clear on who the PCG and POA is in making decisions for her if she is not . She could be "staying in her room" for many reasons including sensing not being wanted in the home and, feeling helpless. Regardless of how you feel about "wanting her out", her dignity and self esteem still has a place in this not uncommon situation you have all contributed to "enabling" over the years. And, the well being of the entire family must be evaluated and considered. Last but not least, if you pray, I encourage you to pray about this and, possibly confer with a faith based leader in the community or your own if you have one. If you are not faith based, please consider other forms of meditation and reflection on the whole picture to both assist your own well being, the well being of your family and, the aging person in question now.
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Risi777: Perhaps you can determine why she has been staying in her room for the last two years. Maybe she needs to visit her primary care physician to determine the valid (or not) medical reasoning. You state that you have taken care of her financially for ten to eighteen years in some way. Because of that, she may not be able to pay her own way since she has not been accustomed to doing so. Maybe your mother would have had a better chance of success living solo if she were a younger woman.
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Nancy, I doubt any state Medicaid pays for al off the bat. In fact, if mom can get up, dress, bathe and feed herself, and no dementia or skilled nursing needs, I’m skeptical whether she will qualify for the ltc part of ltc Medicaid.
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Try not to feel resentful that a 79-year old is not helping out around the house, and try not to expect gratitude for what you have been doing. As people get older they sometimes get more 'selfish' focusing more on themselves. Just be proud of yourselves that you have been good caregivers for your Mom. Get connected with a local social worker who can advise you of your mother's and your options. If she has no income, she may be eligible for Medicaid. Apply for everything she's entitled to. Is she at the point where she needs assisted living? If so, Medicaid would pay for that. There may be waiting lists. Her doctor may have to help you with this application and her eligibility. Try to find a facility close to you so that you can oversee her care. The advantage of assisted living is that she'll get professional care and will have people her own age around her. They arrange activities, and all of the daily necessities. Your responsibility is to make sure that she is getting good care, you don't have to be the ones to do it. If she's not yet eligible for assisted living, you could ask the social worker about independent living senior facilities. But if she can't do housework, that may not be a good option.
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Try section 8 or public housing then your local housing authority/HUD office. Also, have her apply for welfare and food stamps.
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Sounds like my mother inlaw, all these years we took care of her and her husband and all they were was mean to us and expected us to do everything. When my dad inlaw passed she still wanted everything done for her while she watches tv all day and not do anything. I got mad with my husband and gave him an ultimatum and he chose right. Now she lives with her daughter and all the daughter say is , I doing what mom wants. I thought sounds good to me cause she is in a better place cause she is afraid of my sister inlaw husband. He doesnt take any crap from her at all.
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Assisted living is paid out of pocket. Unless you put her in a nursing home you are pretty much screwed at this point since it sounds like she can't do anything. If she is capable and not just lazy you may be able to sign her up for section 8 housing through hud. But there is a waiting list. Based on your post it sounds like you are going to be stuck 8n this dance with mom until she dies. It sucks and I am sure if you knew then what you know how you wouldn't have done things in regards to mom very differently.
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unfortunately, unless Washington is different than other state, you will not be able to place her in Assisted Living (AL) which is only funded through personal funds or a longterm care insurance policy if she is fortunate to have one.

If her annual income is <than $13,750 she may qualify for services through the state. In any event, look at the washington site https://www.hca.wa.gov and key in "care for parent" and see what services/resources come up. You may get a tax break or something to help you. Call them and ask, they usually know resources that can help you.

Good luck.
MOBrien
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I can certainly understand why you’re resentful. Others have posted that you made a mistake by helping her all these years, but actually SHE is the one who set the ball rolling. How does she get the right to just decide she’s not going to take care of herself and someone else has to do it? Age 62 and no retirement plan, but your mom retires. Huh? She could have found another job, part-time or babysitting or anything to bring in income. She could have had a tidy little nest egg by now, especially since you’ve been helping her. No one has the right to be supported financially in their old age. We’re all supposed to plan for the eventuality of what is likely going to happen, which is getting old. If it takes sacrifice, like driving a ten-year-old car, we must do it. Or not taking vacations or not getting new clothes that we don’t need - we have to take those measures so we aren’t a financial burden to someone else. OP is a good daughter, but her mother? She needs to build some character but it’s too late for that.
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She may well attempt to help out more with any talk of being moved, but I sense the bigger issue is that you just want her out.
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I agree with Geaton777. If she's been staying in her room the last 2 years there might be more going on with her. She might not be able to help with chores and could actually be suffering silently. If you can, get her to the doctor at least for her back. If she does have the beginning of dementia, in my experience, they are good at hiding it for a while.
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Sarah3 Aug 2022
This was a thought I had also, she’s about to turn 80 so of course at this point she wouldn’t have a outside job, at this age there could be something going on w her health that isn’t overtly obvious. When was the last time she had a thorough physical and mental evaluation?
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At 79 and trying to break a habit that you caused is not fair. 18 years of taking care of her financially, now you want to stop. What are your expectations for her when she leaves? She won’t last long on her own (away from you). The mistake happened 5 years ago when you moved her in, unless there was a dire need to do so, but kicking her out now is nothing short of cruel. 2 years locked up in a room is cause for concern. Back issues are no joke. Maybe she literally can not do what you expect due to health issues and cognitive decline, which CAN happen to the best of us. Have her evaluated, making her back a priority. Then decide if you want to kick her out at 79. Please don’t set out to make her life uncomfortable. Remember life comes full circle. She has, and so do you and your husband, less time ahead than what has been left behind. Blessing to her and you.
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mstrbill Aug 2022
I agree. The time to find other living arrangements for mom was years ago. It's not fair to her at this stage of her life, but if mom is truly able to live on her own than OP needs to get her on the list for senior housing where they take a portion of her income for rent.
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Your mother is not likely to be of much help around your house from her. As she gets older, she will contribute less and need more care herself. Expecting significant household help to justify her living with you is unrralistic.

You can help her find low cost housing, but Assisted Living is Private Pay. If she does not have the resourcrs to afford AL, you may have to decide if you and your husband want her out of your house badly enough to pay for her Assisted Living yourselves.
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Call 2-1-1. This might be right up their alley.
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While looking for resources, you may want to start making lists of what you would like to see done every day... with no one person being responsible for the complete list. I am not good at delegating and am starting to try this with caregivers I use. I approach it from the view it will also help me to be more organized. If things are broken down into smaller tasks then you could ask her to help with them while y'all are at work and there would be no misunderstanding of things you need and would appreciate having done with each day. For example have a weekly menu... perhaps she would help prep at least part of it if not the whole meal. This way even if she can't accomplish a complete task, it would make it easier for you when you are home if at least part of it is done. Leave the clean laundry on the couch and she can sit down and fold them, etc. Yesterday, I had some unfinished laundry on our table and when I got home it was all folded and put away without even asking the care giver.
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WA state has low cost senior housing, they provide medicaid for the indigent. There are probably other resources if you get knowledgable advice. . Call your local county office and ask who provides guidance and care for the aging. Also, make it clear that you are not responsible for her. If that is how you feel, be prepared to act and have a difficult conversation with her after you have explored resources. I also agree that you may be seeing depression and/or some physical condition if she has changed in her functioning. These senior care advisors can be very knowledgable. But do talk to more than one if they are not.
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If I were in your shoes I would first accompany her to a doctor's appointment to discretely have her cognition and memory tested. There's no point is scooting someone out of your home who is unable to really help herself. Has she been unproductive in the past? Sounds like it based on your post. Is it possible that at 79 she may have the beginnings of dementia? Maybe. For me to have a clear conscience before showing her the door, I would get her assessed if at all possible first.
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You can help her find Senior housing. Or she can look for a room for rent.
Assisted Living is not going to be funded in any way.
If she is a Veteran there may be help through the VA.
STOP helping her in any way.
She can buy her own food. She can fix her own meals, she can clean her own room, bathroom. And she can wash her own clothes when it is convenient for you or she can go to a laundromat.
If she has a TV in her room disconnect cable. If she uses computer or your WIFI change password and do not tell her what it is.
Make life a little more difficult for her and a lot fewer "perks". If she wants her benefits back she can pay for them.
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KPWCSC Aug 2022
If she is not a Veteran, there are also some Spousal benefits for a spouse if her former husband was a Veteran.
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Your mother would have to need help with 2 or more ADLs *activities of daily life* in order to qualify for Skilled Nursing and then you could apply for Medicaid to fund her long term care there. But I don't know that she has enough medical conditions to qualify for long term care. The 6 basic ADLs are:

1.Ambulating or functional mobility: To move about freely and safely.
2. Feeding: To feed oneself.
3. Dressing: To assemble an outfit and put clothes on properly.
4. Personal hygiene: To manage aspects of personal hygiene, such as bathing, grooming, and brushing teeth.
5. Continence: To control both bladder and bowel movements.
6. Toileting: To get to and from the restroom, use the restroom properly, and clean the self properly.

This is the trouble with moving a parent into our home; it often takes a miracle to get them out, and we're stuck caring for them in OUR senior years!!

I'd read her the riot act immediately and let her know you expect her to pull her weight around the house starting today. Look into finding her a room in a house that she can pay rent towards and be someone else's roommate. You may have to finance that, too, since her SS check is so small which is not ideal, but at least you'd get her out of your house and living independently once again. This is providing she doesn't have enough health issues to qualify for Skilled Nursing.

Medicaid does not normally pay for Assisted Living. You can ask an Elder Care attorney for advice, perhaps they can guide you about Medicaid facilities that would pay for long term care for an elder w/o significant health issues, I don't know.

Wishing you the best of luck finding a solution to this long term problem you've been facing.
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