How can I get my Father to slow down?
My father is 83 years old, a heart patient and won't slow down. He still continues to run a 210 acre ranch with cattle, tractors and haying machines. He will not admit he is no longer capable in handling these responsibilities. I end up each evening after work tring to finish the daily chores and messes he gets into. The past four months he has nearly burned the garage down, received two broken rips from a wild cow charging him, broken more equipment and tools to list but continues to spend money like there is no tomorrow. He has completed depleted his savings of over $80,000 dollars in five years. Buying a new pick truck with payments and a new tractor with payments plus other farming machinery he does not need. He baled hay to sell the last two years, only to sell it for less than what he has invested. I two have broken my arm, my fingers and a foot while working for him on the ranch. I am a 53 year old woman with a full time job. And frankly I am scared to help for fear I will get hurt again. If he buys anything new, it soon breaks or is a "piece of crap" because it is not the miracle item it claimed to be. I get no help or sympathy from my only living brother and my husband is resentful of the time I spend with Dad. Today I have not accomplished anything at work for worrying about the call I received this morning from Dad. The dog got into something and tore it up and he was angry and ended up hanging up on me. There is not a day go by, that I don't shutter and look at the caller ID on the phone worrying about what he has screwed up or threw across the yard. This has been going on for five years. I sold me big house across county and built a small apartment across the road from Dad so I could help him. He is mostly independent, but must call me three and four times a day at work to tell me what he has done or how he is feeling or he will stop buy my work at least once a day and I must go by every night after work before I go home. I feel like I have no life. By the time I get home, it is 7 or 8 o'clock and I am exhausted and even then he will call me at least another 2 or 3 times before bed. My house is a mess, my yard is a mess, my work is becoming a mess and I am financially a mess. My hole life is a mess. I can't do anything at home with out him calling to have me come help get the horses back in because he left the gate open or help him cook or install a light fixture. I have stayed home to clean the house or pay the bills and not tell him I was off so he wouldn't bother me but he lives across the street and sometimes watches the house with binoculars. I have tried setting guidelines and bounders but then he calls with an emergency and I am right back over there. Or he calls because something or someone made him mad and hangs up on me. My life is a mess and I don't know how to stop this cycle. I want him to sell everything and buy a small house closer to town but he won't have that. I am at my wits end. Does anyone have any suggests?
Help 409ranch Daughter
The real problem is not so much that is his likely to crash and burn, but that he is trying to take you with him. Fortunately that is a part of the picture that you have control over.
He has a delusion that he is much more independent than he is, and you enable that delusion by following along behind him and cleaning up his messes. Don't.
Set a time each day that he can call you, preferably not at work, and only accept calls at other times if they are a true emergency.
Continue to visit him but explain that you have retired from ranch work. And stick to it! If something needs immediate attention, help him locate the number of the appropriate professional service to attend to it. Hint: It ain't you, Babe. :)
Meanwhile, get your life back. Who can blame your husband for being resentful? Helping a parent is one thing, but this dependence he has on you is ridiculous. Lavish more time and attention on Hubby. Spend more time on your own house and yard. Feel more competent at work by detaching from Dad for the workday.
And those "emergencies"? Hey, is a grown up who thinks he can run a ranch. Treat him like one. The horses are out because he left the gate open? Sorry, Dad, I'm busy now. I hope you can find someone else to help you. It is his emergency, not yours. If he's calling on his cell phone and is trapped under a piece of heavy equipment, yeah, that is an emergency you should drop everything and help with, at least to the point of calling in appropriate people with the right equipment to solve the problem. But the normal blips in running an active ranch -- Not Your Problem. He wants to be a rancher. You don't.
This is going to seem very harsh as you implement it, but, gosh, his imposition on your life is even more harsh.
Your brother has made a decision not to let Dad run his life. You can make a similar decision.
When you don't jump every time he calls, he may come to the decision himself--which is what we all must do about anything in our own lives--that he needs to call it quits and enter the next chapter, as difficult as that may be:(
Jeanne covered it completely:)) xoxo
I don't mind spending the Day with him on Sunday or any day from that matter but I don't want to be fixing fences and hauling hay. Also, I called my company's employee assistant line and scheduled a couple of counseling sessions to keep me focused and balanced. Time to take control of my life! Next, I am calling my brother. He doesn't have to be actively involved with the everyday care of Dad, but he must know what is going on. I don't have to carry this load by myself. This will be a weekly call. No need to go months on end without communicating.
At 53, I need to start preparing myself for retirement. I love my father and I will take care of him, but not at the cost of my physical or mental health. He has this idea that we are going to move in with him and take care of him and that will not happen and I have told him this, but I don’t think he hears everything I say. He is too controlling and domineering. If I can work on his finances, get him some long term care insurance, then I can reassure him that he can stay in his home as long as we can afford this expense.
Wow – I feel like a new person. I said it once and I will say it again, God Bless this Site and God Bless your support.
409ranch Daughter!
God Bless you all, and may Dad accept the Grace given to him to make the changes necessary. Keep us posted;) xo
Are you having Conversations with Dad, or are you sitting there like a 5 year old nodding you head while Daddy tells you what to do? You know I am not serious and I am not lecturing:)
"Dad, what about my job, my husband, my life? I think you need to hire a ranch hand and let me just be your daughter. OK ? "
How's that? One step at a time. Don't make me spank you again.
Engage him in a two-way exchange of ideas. Don't back down. Good luck, Dear One, xo
I think he knows I am trying to avoid the talk and avoid him. He maybe old but he's not stupid. He is just loney. And instead of getting more involved with his clubs and intrest he is stepping way and going less. Several people have told him he talks to much and offers advice unsolicited. That he needs to keep his oppions to himself. And he is so one sided and prejudice. And knows everything. At least everything that is fifty years old or older. He does not understand that just because it was done one way fifty years ago is may be better to do things differently. And why is he telling me his old military stories. And why is he lying about these stories. He wants to be "someone" important. Oh, I know I'm wining and I know what needs to be done but but but - I know NO BUTS! I inherited the procrastination gene from my father.
OK. I will set a time and a place to sit down and do this. I am not 5 years old.
Thanks ChistinaW
Since you have been in this pattern of meek compliance and inner seething for decades it is going to take more than wishful thinking to break out of it. If the nudges you get here are not enough, counseling might be the next step.
Keep us informed ... accountability is helpful, too.