I work in the Mental Health field as a case manager. I drive about 4000 miles a month and provide services in home and at school. I share a home with my aging mom (80) and special needs brother who is 62. Mom fell and broke 2 ribs this year. Later she broke a hip.
I have been trying to juggle caring for both my mom and brother and work. However, my mom has a long history of abusing her children. She is also very manipulative. She has chronic UTI's and full spectrum hallucinations. Even though she has severe memory issues, gets confused and can't manager hers or my brother's money without over extending them each month (she is my brother's payee) the doctors at the hospital refuse to give her any kind of diagnosis other than depression. She is a master at masking her behaviors and maintaining when dealing with outsiders.
The last is frustrating because my brother is terrifed of mom. Last weekend she had him in the living room with a rifle and she was armed with a spray bottle of antiseptic. She threatened to spray me in the face twice. She was convinced there were intruders in the house. I took the rifle from my brother and relocated it off the property. I took her to the ER the following day after taking two falls. She had been refusing to use her walker and had crawled over the railing of her bed.
She is largely incontinent and I discovered she has been defacting in her underwear and making my brother wash them while I'm at work. She has also been doubling up on her meds or insisting she has taken them when she hasn't. She keeps trying to take out loans and I am already having to pay for their groceries and scripts.
On top of all this she is verbally abusive to both my brother and I. She won't try to do anything for herself (except shower which she'll do when I'm at work-this is a disaster waiting to happen). My brother and I wait on her hand and foot in an effort to maintain some kind of peace. Then she tells people we won't let her do anything. I have two sisters who live far away and haven't seen mom in 14 and 18 years because the sound of her voice sends them into anxiety attacks. I have no support and continually use up all my sick leave and vacation time because of various crises that arise from my mom.
I can't take it anymore and neither can my brother. She is in senior care at the hospital right now (the psych ward). We need her to go into the nursing home, but like I said, the doctor says she is just depressed. How can I get her into a nursing home without having guardianship or a POA?
No matter how clever your mother is, she would not be able to fool a well-trained mental health professional, or a team of them. She needs to be institutionalized and evaluated and placed in the appropriate facility. What she has done to your brother is at the least abuse on a horrific level and quite possibly assault. It is unconscionable that it was ever tolerated, more so that it was tolerated all his life.
Your mother needs constant supervision by trained professionals; I mean 24/7. With her history, she should not be left alone with your brother. In my city a mentally challenged man who was his mother’s only caregiver recently stabbed his mother to death. He was convicted and is serving 8-10 years. The family reacted by saying they were unaware of “how bad it was” for their brother.
The next time she acts out, call 911 and tell them you fear for your and your brother’s safety. She needs to be Baker Acted. This is not something you can handle on your own.
I should print off what you have just posted here, take it to her attending psychiatric team, and ask them for their constructive advice.
You could also contact your brother's team (through whichever office handles his SS payments, perhaps) and warn them that his mother will soon no longer be able to act for him. If you consider her treatment of him abusive, you can report that too. How has he been coping during her repeated absences?
And then, you can leave. You may feel responsible for your mother and your brother, but legally you're not - are you? - and practically you cannot solve this situation on your own. If you leave, the household will fall apart very rapidly. Try to get support in place for your brother beforehand.
Next, you need to find out what you can do, if anything to get your brother another payee. You need to protect him in everyway you can.
If you can not get your mother the help she needs than you need to find away to help your brother and yourself. But the 2 of you "cannot or should not" live this way.
You might have to come up with a plan B that finding some where eles to live. You both deserve better. We can't always help family members (mom) who don't want help, so you save the ones you can & yourself.
I agree with Ahmijoy this goes way past dementia.
May God keep both of you safe and help you find the help you both deserve.
Simple solution!! Let the hospital know that you refuse to take her home, and why, upon discharge. They will then have to find placement for her. Stick to your guns (no pun intended)before she ends up hurting your brother or you. You can also report what she did to your brother to APS for further ammo to get her placed. Good luck!!!
I had to do this to my mother when I was growing up.
For what it's worth, there are really affordable cameras that record sound and video for $30 (plus the SD card!) on Amazon. I bought 2 from a company called Wyze. Anyway, you can put the cameras up and let her get comfy. Eventually she'll forget what you'll have footage that the doctors can use. Check your local law, your might not even have to tell her they're up, but if you do, make SURE you keep the recording of your explaining the cameras for everyone's safety. The ones I have I used their app to view and listen on my phone. Huge help if I need to collect the mail or grab something small at the store at the end of the road.
She needs help, ASAP. By her getting help, you'd be getting help. I'm pretty sure you may be able to get a doctor to declare her incompetent so you can admit her to an ALF/nursing home.
My mother was abusive. Right now I'm caring for my in-laws who are great people, well, were great people. :( I still feel it is an honor to be able to help them. I'm absolutely dreading when my mother requires help. I have no siblings so yes, I'm stuck. I already decided that if she got abusive while I was caring for her, she gets only one second chance.
I wish I could offer more info. Wishing for the best for you and your brother. 💜
Typed on a phone at 4:11 am. Please forgive any typos!
As someone else said, get his SS payee changed and then change his environment.
You don’t need guardianship or DPOA in place at the time of admission to a home from the hospital, though you will eventually have to do that or an outside guardian will be appointed. Evaluation from the psych admission, along with your account of what happens at home, is the beginning of the beginning, for you and your brother.
Start this process BEFORE your mom’s intended discharge from her 72-hold. Refuse to take her home.
My mom is 89 years old and has memory loss and balance problems, just recently transferred from hospital to NH. She had no POA or guardian at the time of admission. I was told (after she had been there for a month) that unless the family establishes guardianship, an outside guardian would be appointed by the Court. I am currently in the process of obtaining guardianship so the NH administrators MUST share her medical/treatment plan with me for decision making.
Go to the website of the your county probate court. Print out all forms in the “Guardianship” section. You can file the petition without a lawyer, but speak to an elder lawyer with any questions you may have after reading the information you obtain from the website.
You can usually get a free consultation for your questions. If you decide to retain that elder lawyer, you also have that option, of course. But it is possible to do this on your own at the cost of filing fees only.
i wish you luck and success at this difficult time.
(Posting from Michigan.)
But the sticky will be that if mom has all 4 kids as equal heirs as per her valid will, then the other 3 might not have an exemption to MERP. Mom would need to leave home only to handicapped son to get property exempt from Recovery and home would need to be fully paid off with no mortgage to transfer title to him.
Going to need an attorney to deal with this one way or another ....
Now she is on the phych ward she won't be able to hide what she is doing - best thing is if she lost it while you were visiting & staff see it - these people are trained & know about the manipulations that can occur - while she can hold it together for short times at dr's office she won't be able to do so 24/7 on the ward
For your brother's sake refuse to let her come back without more assistance - if they declare her incompetant, then would bro be able to manage & you know the answer is NO - so because you are on the road a lot then she needs to go straight to a NH -
Talk to the social worker at the hospital & ask that someone have an interview with bro about what he thinks about mom - that should be enough to convince them where mom should be
If you are a case manager, you well know the mandated reporter requirements, really you’ve got to deal with this cause if police or APS goes out to the house to do a wellness check and see the situation, it could cascade into problems for your job.
You know the answer......... your mom needs be get a proper geriatric psych evaluation, a medication management figured out and live in a controlled environment for her own safety and security. You have got to tell them clearly about the gun & bottle incident, the fecal stuff (& I bet she’s doing other stuff with sh** that you don’t even want to start thinking about.....), her chronic UTIs, the series of falls, etc. there’s a pattern that’s beyond being depressed. Really you know what needs to happen & this means she DOES NOT RETURN HOME. The hospital discharge planner will have to find a place for her and you have got to have this happen for your brothers sake.
And really while mom is hospitalized, get brother & yourself to the bank and open up a new checking account for him that you are signatory on and POD to you and then you two go to Social Security office to get his representative payee changed to you with direct deposit going to the new account AND then go and have a nice meal just the two of you!
The bank may even have a form that you can take to SSA, that SSa scans and it populates the banking codes.
Your 2 siblings that won’t have anything to do with her, if you can gird up and ask them about her abusing them or any incidents with her that led to their estrangement. Also when you chat with them ask 1 to be a backup signatory on brothers new bank account.
here...its time to save yourself and brother as a relative of an aunt whos
children adult ones, wanted me to care for someone who was mentally off I simply refused
to help be caretaker,even though I would be paid,cook and friendly bottle washer to aunt who needed psy. meds,calling rescue four times in a week
for fear and wanting to be with someone,she did not like caretaker strangers..…..I was insulted and accused of being lazy…...u see I do not want the responsibility of a manipulative aunt crying out for attention nor should I.....…..I knew her pattern as her boyfriend left town to be with his family as she was declining...…...no wants this type of elder abuse at the
stretched moment...…...she needs to be medicated,sorry, and in a facilty
is there money?...…...Medicaid takes time to get down to the 2000 in her account..spenddown..then call an elder attorney..or the ambudsman at your local senior center...………………...o not feel guilty...……..no one can take care of your Mom now other than a professional..then they will put her on
some meds because she is abusive and out of control......
If she has a primary provider that she trusts or knows her well and you feel comfortable with you might be able to get them to initiate and facilitate all of this too. Either way you will need to be open honest and upfront with the medical personnel, on the side and not confronting Mom but on your mom's, your brothers and your behalf you need to lay it all out for everyone you can to make sure the right people finally get the picture and message. This may be the hardest part but it will be better than it could be if you allow things to be minimized or overlooked when you have the window of opportunity. UTI's may be playing a big part in current behavior but it isn't the underlying problem by the sounds of it so you may have to remind yourself of the past and make sure they know the problems go deeper than the UTI fueled gun indecent and even if once cured she isn't as violently dangerous she is unpredictable and UTI's are going to keep happening making her dangerous to your brother as well as you again if she goes home... Remind yourself too, this is not being cruel or selfish, non-caring in any way in fact just the opposite. You are doing what is right and best for your mom as well as your brother even if you take yourself out of the equation. Watching out for and taking over the care of your brother is no small thing either, you are a wonderful, responsible and loving sister (and daughter) who has gone and is going above and beyond.
Yes your mom should be removed from being around your brother. She needs to be where she is getting medical help. Advocate for her even though its hard since you may think she has made her own bed. The instability could be UTI but could be from her background growing up or a not so good marriage...you just do not know. There is a root cause somewhere. Especially if others have not seen her have difficulties it is perceived by others she has no reason to be angry. Hang in there you are a key person in trying to get your family on a good path. Find a good psyche dr that will listen to you. And get Mom the help she needs.
My mom has had anger issues in the past and it took alot of explaining and talking to get her to understand that her life circumstances have changed and that she now has to relinquist some decisions to you or family members. And she needs a third party (psyche dr) to help her. Testing can be done for AL also test for bipolar. See a urologist if having accidents to see what the issues are there 1st. Check blood pressures. Does she have headaches? Is she in pain?This can also cause anger but some of our parents were taught not to say they are in pain because this is a sign of weakness or taught you never complain. Best wishes....
Now, who owns the house? Pays the rent? If it is not mom then refuse to take her to live with you and brother. Explain that it is a dangerous discharge and you and brother cannot take responsibility. The psych ward of the hospital will have to place her - you are done. You may not be able to get her into a nursing home yourself, but can you work with social workers, perhaps your brother's, to get yourselves separated from her? Emphasize the continuing abuse and danger to your brother and demand enforcement of laws protecting vulnerable adults. I'm afraid that if you do nothing, continue to try to placate mom, someone is going to be killed by her. Don't hesitate to report any threats by her to the police. This is a situation where the squeaking wheel gets taken care of - if you keep trying to cope as you have, the authorities will leave you to it. The danger is real here. And mom is not going to get help outside of institutional treatment.
PRACTICE LOVE...ASKING OTHERS OUTSIDE THE HOME FOR HELP AND SUPPORT AND MOST OF ALL...REMEMBERING WHO SHE IS AND THE OPPORTUNITY FOR LIFE SHE GAVE MAY SOBER YOU UP TO SHOW LOVE AND MERCY RIGHT THERE WHERE YOU ARE.
2 - Attend any discharge planning meetings for Mom and stand firm that you can no longer care for her so she cannot be discharged home.