How can I get my mom to lower her pride and use a walker?

"Even tho the aids put it in the closet so she doesn't have to see it" may be a problem. She NEEDS to see it, and to be honest, the ALF are full of walkers. Of ALL KINDS. When my bro was in ALF they used to compare walkers in a bit the same way that the young compare THEIR wheels--their cars. A bit of bragging going on.

So see to it she has the cadillac of walkers.
Balance is SUCH a problem for the elders ( I know, I am one at 81 and often feel like a feather in the wind even tho I am active). Falls WILL happen to the aging whether without a walker or OVER a walker. My last two falls were backing up first into a rake, next into a mop. We just can't catch ourselves once we start to go.
It is a rare senior who, s/p several falls, doesn't want to accept that walker. You can only make it fancy, make it PROMINENT, beg, and on you go.

Falls can be the beginning of the end and we all know and have seen it. For my Mom it was. It went from falls to catheters to infections to pneumonia to more falls and so on.
The truth is that it is a harbinger of what's to come.

I hope others here have more useful info for you, and I wish you good luck. I am afraid it is hit or miss with having any luck with this. Do know, especially if you are dealing with DNR status, that trips to the ER, unless there is injury to the head, don't need to be done. But every facility will make its own decision. ALSO know that you don't need to attend each trip tot he ER. My own daughter is two states away. I will be on my own in that ER, and to be frank it's just as well.

Bariatric Walker

You cannot force an elder to use a walker so let the chips fall where they may. If she becomes immobilized from a fall and has to go into Skilled Nursing care as a result, so be it. If she's able to understand that fact, do let her know. We used to decorate moms walker to make it more "fun" for her to use. You can try that, but don't get your hopes up. Dementia wreaks havoc with logic and reasoning.

Let the aides know they are NOT to hide her walker but to leave it out in full view from now on.

Good luck.

Sometimes, our family members will listen to others better than they listen to us. I was very concerned about my mother not wanting to use a walker.

At first I thought her reluctance was due to her being vain. My mother was very stylish. She was part of the Hollywood glamour era. She didn’t even go to the mailbox without her makeup on!

Actually, it was because she thought that a walker would get in our way and be an inconvenience to us. She didn’t want us to have to bother with placing in and out of the car and so on.

For awhile she did fine with a cane but as her Parkinson’s disease progressed she really needed the stability of using a walker. I became frustrated with her reluctance to allow me to purchase one for her.

Then, I decided to enlist the help of my friend who is a nurse. Mom loved my friend and they got along well. I asked my friend to speak with her about using a walker.

My friend told my mom how helpful it was when she was having trouble with her knees and used a walker herself. She raved about how much it would help her with balance issues and mom said that she would try it.

I was grateful to my friend and I was relieved not to feel like a nag.

I realized that mom wasn’t being vain and that she was thinking about inconveniencing us and wasn’t simply being stubborn.

My friend convinced my mom that it wasn’t an inconvenience to place a walker in and out of the car and that we were concerned about her safety.

I also had mom’s doctor speak to her about using the walker at all times.

Once mom started using her walker she loved it and it was a big help for her. This may not work for your mom but it is certainly worth trying.

There are many different kinds of walkers that come in all sizes to accommodate her needs. We bought her a nice rollator with a seat
that was also a storage space to place her purse in.

Best wishes to you and your mother.

I Live in Boston and Most elderly people use Rollaters . They can sit down and lean on them . Plus shop.

Does one need a lot of strength in the hands and wrists to use a walker, i.e. to grab the handles? Asking for a friend...Thanks.

Erin, your profile mentions mental health issues. Is mom being seen by a psychiatrist?

When mom falls, I hope you have the facility call 911 and have her transported by ambulance. I would not transport an elder who has he ad an unwitnessed fall.

If your mom doesn't have dementia, consider telling her that you will only meet her at the hospital if she starts using the walker. It's called "tough love".

I just answered your other post so I will say at this point that with LBD, your mother is going to fall walker or no walker. It's part of the disease. And eventually she will be bedridden.
And of course with her dementia she is no longer thinking logically anyway as "logic doesn't live here anymore,"(one of my favorite sayings from my support group)so it doesn't really matter what she thinks or doesn't think about her walker, because even if she was open to using it she more than likely would forget anyway.
Older people fall....a lot. And people with many of the dementias fall a lot too, and there's not much you can do to stop them.
My late husband who had vascular dementia fell a lot. As in a lot. And I was always here with him in the house and usually not too far from him. And he used a hemi-walker as his right arm was paralyzed after his massive stroke many years earlier, and he still fell.
So there are no guarantees that if your mother starts using her walker today that you still won't get a call saying that she's fallen once again, as falling is part of the disease.

Erin, please insist that mom be transported to hospital ER by ambulance in the future. It's the best for her and for you. They know how to handle whatever might come up on the way to the ER, and you'd have a hard time dealing with such an emergency if you're driving her. There's also a psychological effect if she has to go by ambulance. She doesn't get your attention, for one thing. For another, if she thinks she's too young for a walker, she may be mortified by having to ride in an ambulance. Who knows? Dementia patients don't think like normal folks.

We went through similar issues with my mom. She happened to LOVE the attention she got with any ER visit. (Sigh.) For this reason, in case that happens with your mom, I'd advise to take your own sweet time before showing up to keep her company in the ER. I well remember those days! Let her sit there and get tired of not getting what she thinks is enough attention. No hovering over her in the middle of the night, bringing her juice, making sure she is warm. There are other people for that, so she won't suffer.

Tough love is not just for teenagers.

As far as walker use, you might drop casually into the conversation that if she thinks she's too young for one, how does she feel about being bed bound for the rest of her life after she breaks a hip? "Too young for that too? Mom? What do you think about that? Mom?"

My sister has been using a walker (not all the time) since her late 20s, in spite of being an accountant and auditor with her own successful business. Now she usually zips around in a motorised wheel chair. The point isn’t age or pride or looks, it’s walking ability.

Do you take your mother out? I’d suggest that a condition of any outing is that the walker comes too AND IS USED.

If this is not a serious fall I do not understand why you even need to be there. My father fell often and he loved the attention of the ER. They had to call me but I never ran out. If he was ok medical transport would bring him back at $75 a pop. If he had an extended stay I would go AFTER work the next day. If you jump every time she falls she has no incentive to use the walker. Let her handle the trip on her own a few times. I say this as a person who had to run her father to the ER on average every other week. 95% of the time it was nothing. After a year or so I was burned out and refused to go unless it was serious.

Perhaps, see about getting her into a higher level of care so that THEY, not YOU, are summoned frantically when she falls (as she will, again). For what is your mother paying? “Assisted living” means…your mom pays, THE STAFF assists, right? Unless a bone is broken, they fuss at her, put her back in bed, and don’t annoy you at all hours. Otherwise, her money is being wasted.

Good reason to let someone else be PoA! Paying exorbitant monthly fees PLUS being called when anything happens…ripoff. For thousands a month, the staff should handle it. Seriously.

Falls preventative strategies can be discussed with the AL Manager. I'm not sure about the level of care/staffing but strategies may include more supervision eg encouragement to use the dayroom, sensor mats (to alert staff when mobile), Mom's walker kept in view (with eye catching bright ribbons on).

Hopefully these sorts of things can help reduce her falls. But realistically, even with all day supervision she could fall. Even using the walker.

If Mom is not willing to use a walker staff can prompt & encourage - but not force her. My Aunt uses hers but will push it away as she enters the bathroom & sees the handrail.. very common.

Do what you can.
Unfortunately when insight is lacking it's past your control. All dementias effect the brain, various effects on insight but will eventually steal balance & ability to walk. I am truly sorry for this awful disease.

Your mother has dementia and you are wanting her to use common sense.
I had a friend who needed a hip replacement. She used a single crutch. When she went out, the crutch went with her in her tiny low slung sports car. She NEVER let any of us see her w/a walker. I never saw one at her house. She had the hip replacement, had a full recovery and even though she passed from her dementia, she had excellent posture and walked just fine.
I had an aunt who died of Parkinson’s with Lewy Body dementia. She had some terrible falls. Never used a walker. On good days she could dance. Look into the Rock Steady boxing classes. I’ve attached a link. My aunt was amazing with those classes. Exercise is very good for your mom.

https://lewybodyresourcecenter.org/lewy-body-dementia-rock-steady-boxing/

She has dementia. That means you cannot convince her to do anything.

She will continue to not use the walker, will fall and yes will probably break a bone. Prepare yourself for that eventuality. Maybe at that point she could be eligible for NH care. .

How bad is her dementia? Do you think not using a walker matches with her before LBD came along? I assume you've asked her to use the walker. My mom has dementia and doesn't remember to use her walker in her AL apartment most of the time. I come in and it's near the door, not near her. Everytime I see her not using it, I just say, "Use your walker" or I bring it to her. She's had falls and really needs it. I know that she will fall again, with or without the walker. It's a fact of life that you should try to come to terms with. Don't be petrified of her breaking a hip. It could happen and you'll just have to roll with it. Don't blame yourself or berate her. It is what it is at that point.

The PRIDE that some elderly folks have is just incredible to me.

My MIL Is 100% housebound, She doesn't even take one step 'down' or 'up' at all. Has quit even going out to the back porch b/c there is one step down.

Started with a wheelchair and threw a fit and had it put in the garage.

Had a rollater---threw a fit and had it put in the garage.

Got a walker--threw a fit and had it put in the garage too.

She shoves a kitchen chair around when she feels she needs support.

Says walkers are for old people--well, she's 93 next week. If not for people like her, then WHO? She also says it makes her look like she has dementia. Which she has. Shoving a kitchen chair all around the house is BETTER? In her opinion, yes, and that's all that matters.

She falls a lot but never gets hurt, so the kids just leave her be.

NeedHelp: Wow, 3 flights of stairs! So glad your daughter wasn't seriously injured. I do not love snow! We usually don't get a lot of it in my area of the Pacific NW, but a few winters ago, we got 2-3 ft. I was still walking 1+ mile every day then and foolishly thought I could manage in the snow. I had snow boots but slipped anyway. Lesson definitely learned.

My MIL is the same way, even AFTER breaking a hip last year. She will not use her walker. We got her a couple really cute canes and she will use those when she remembers. Fashionablecanes.com has really pretty ones.

How about a three wheel rollator?

Rollater every elder person has them in Boston

Take her to her PCP and have a
" level of care needs " assessment completed during which time you will also provide the info regarding falls, ER visits, and non compliance using walker. After getting the official PCP level of care needs assessment report, you can go from there with regards to her safety. Emphasize safety as key word and, also request PCP to assign a Geriatric Case Mgr or Licensed SW to her case to visit her in ALF to provide additional eyes on assessment, as well as emotional support for her, and you for coping strategies.

My mom (83 at the time) insisted repeatedly, "I do not fall!" every time someone suggested that "perhaps a cane might be helpful" each time she did a face plant on the floor. I cannot count the times, she was black and blue, bleeding or had a goose egg on her head. She said, "I tripped," and instead took to using one of those grabber devices (you know the cheap plastic grabber things to reach something on the floor or high up in a cabinet). Of course the $5 dollar plastic grabber thing broke any time she leaned on it for any support. We went through many grabbers. Finally, during COVID, after she broke another grabber thing, I said "sorry, there were supply chain issues and NONE were in stock anywhere" that "she'd have to use the cane" that had been sitting in her closet for years. She really had no computer skills, no idea how to Google anything much less use Amazon, and the news was all about "supply chain" problems, you know NO TT paper and NO plastic grabber devices to be had anywhere in the US....She was fuming, but she then started to use the cane.

After nearly killing us both, me trying to hold her up to "walk" into an MD office for blood work during year the COVID shut down year; I said that is it we are getting a rollator for whenI have to take you to the doctor as I cannot try to hold you up and then we both "walk" without us both falling. The ONLY time it was used if she had an MD appointment. Unable to "walk" to the bathroom "in time" even with the cane became the routine, so I suggested a "potty chair" could be put by her bedside, "NO NO NO" was the response. Instead, soil the bed, floor, clothes -- that "is better" -- SURE.

Eventually, she had a really bad fall and laid on the floor for hours until I found her the next morning and that landed her in the hospital for 2 weeks, and to rehab thereafter and finally to a permanent nursing home long term care placement once the Medicare post inpatient rehab benefit ended. She of course had dementia, and a host of other things. And I was clear with the hospital, the rehab facility and LTC facility that I "WAS NOT" taking her back into my home where she had been living before and where I was doing the one-on-one care solo (Maddening!)....

Sorry for the rant, and sorry you are dealing with this. If they are oppositional to doing what they need to do in order to care for themselves OR to help those trying to help them/care for them; then the chips will fall where they fall. One cannot control what other people do generally and that is for sure true when the person has demential (regardless of the form). There is no reasoning with them, no rational explanation that they understand ever sticks and their behavior changes also make cooperation with what makes sense -- what might help them -- all goes out the window.

All one can do is to try to offer supportive devices that might help prevent falls; but some will just refuse. In the nursing home, my mom now uses a wheelchair which she calls her "go cart" as she does not remember the word for wheelchair. Sad

Wishing you the best of luck with this. Do what you can and importantly do what you can to care for yourself. This is an exhausting journey, and it is a journey not us want to be on.

you can't.

Same with my Mom. We have encouraged her to use “Ethel” for continued freedom. Her Aunt Ethel fell at home several years ago. Fell on a Saturday getting the mail. The mailman found her Monday sprawled on the enclosed porch. She had broken the hip. Mom was her primary care giver until she passed a few years later. Mom has fallen 4-5 times this year. The last time she lost consciousness for a few seconds. We have decorated her walker with “Bling”. Her facility also has Balance Therapy. They, too, encourage her. “Ethel” gives her freedom from the fear of falling.

You are not likely to override her pride about this.

My mother with vascular dementia and bad arthritis refused to use a cane. We convinced her that it wasn't a cane but a hiking stick. This she accepted.

My mother's housekeeper (who was more like a companion to her) decorated her walker with hummingbird stickers and matching streamers. Mom would have never accepted that from us, but it came from someone outside the family. That said, we still had to encourage her to use the walker in the house. It was helpful that folks in public would compliment her walker decorations. I now go out of my way to compliment somene using a walker. Just a "Good for you! I'm so glad to see that you are willing to use a walker," sometimes seems like enough.

With the holidays coming, maybe you can decorate her walker and make it the envy of the other residents.

You do not tell us the age of your mother (?)
* Anyone with LBD, falling, you being called in the wee hours of the morning NEEDS to (1) use a walker and (2) a cane and (3) HAVE THE WALKER IN SITE.
- Are they calling am ambulance to get her to emergency room? (They can do this).
- They could call you in the morning instead although I understand if you want to know immediately when these things happen.

By allowing the walker to be hidden in the closet, you are supporting you mom's decision / behavior which will lead to potential - very likely - falls.

IF you do not want to spend $ for outside round the clock personal caregivers, you must insist she use it OR SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES, which might be what happens. You cannot control everything.

* Get volunteer(s) in there to be with her as much as you can for 1-2 hours/day.
There are volunteer organizations, as well State College Dept Heads: geriatrics, nursing, counseling. Most students need this kind of volunteer experience - and/or it surely will look good on their resume.

You will need to learn how to deal with her resistance (I know, that is why you wrote us here ... )
* Expect resistance
* Do not re-act to it
* Tell her what she needs to do for her well being (she may not care).
* The walker STAYS in sight. Period. No argument or discussion.

When you visit, you sit in it - that may or may not make any difference although if she sees you sitting in it, she might think, 'oh, okay, I can sit in it too',

IMPORTANT:
* Focus on her emotional feelings of 'embarrassment' - Her her 'got it out' and provide reflective listening i.e., "Oh, okay, I hear you saying XXX" - just listen and encourage her to talk about how she feels.

* Talk to her with authority mixed with compassion. In other words, do not ask her what she wants. You tell her this is how it is and then offer lots and lots of emotional support (i.e., I know this is hard for you ... I love you and want you to be safe ... will you just try it once and see how it goes) or talk to her however / whatever works.

You must tell the administrator of the facility that the walker is NOT to go in the closet; it is to stay in sight and used (as is possible). In other words, aides are not to listen to your mother telling them to put it away.

Your mom may be 'too' depressed to care if she falls, breaks something.
Get her checked out medically.
Ask her. Talk to her about how she feels.
As you say, she is just starting to adjust to this new living arrangement.

Try not to make a big deal about the walker. Just have it there.
Put ringers on the mattress - will alert others that she is (trying to get)ting out of bed.
* Get 1/4 railings on the bed which are legal. More than that is not allowed (i.e., half, full railings).
* Get a body pillow to put near the railings. It helps support someone to stay in the middle of the bed / keep someone from falling out of bed and a pillow is legal / it is NOT railings. (I did this for my friend-companion after he fell out of bed at a nurse home, twice.)
- Be sure (?) the bed is against the wall to avoid falling from either side.

Lastly, get emotional support. from the local / county LBD Association.
Go to support group(s) if available. They hopefully will help you.

Lastly ... I wonder if you have art work put on the walker if she would be more inclined to use it ? Photos of family? collage? Just a thought ... to personalize it.


Gena / Touch Matters