He won't stop drinking. He gets violent. He at times doesn't know the difference between his cell phone and the tv remote. He doesn't eat a lot. I can't get him to shower. He refuses all medical appointments then gets mad about not receiving medical care. I have too much of my own life to deal with. I can't care for him any longer. Please help
you cannot change him or his habits. Who buys his alcohol? Is he driving while intoxicated? If so, I would call 911 every time and hopefully they can pull him over and arrest him if he is under the influence. Please don’t let him kill an innocent family if he drives drunk. Call his local police or sheriff and ask them what to do, they could advise you. Under no circumstances buy his alcohol for him. You could call APS and anonymously report a vulnerable alcoholic elder. You should back away from this situation…..,prayers for you. Liz
Either evict him or get out and find your life.
Who is purchasing his alcohol? Is he driving himself? While intoxicated? You cant force your uncle to do things he doesn't want to do. Doesn't want to eat or shower - cant make him - he isn't a 3 yo. He doesn't want to stop drinking (probably can't stop drinking but won't admit it to himself), there isn't anything else you can do. A recovery program probably won't work because he doesn't WANT to stop drinking. Doesn't want to go to medical appointments but then gets mad at you - let it roll off you and either hang up if a phone call or walk away if in person. He isn't the uncle you knew, he isn't the uncle you had. This uncle is pretty much a stranger to you now - the alcohol has totally destroyed him and continues to do so. You cannot take care of someone who doesn't want to be taken care of. I know you want to help but at some point he has got to want some help and be willing to cooperate just a teeny bit. It can't be his way or no way.
Are there any other family members you can shoulder this with? Share the frustrations with?
Hellrazor1369, when did your uncle come to live with you, why did he, and where was he living before then? The reason I ask is - not to criticize you for allowing him to move in! - but because it might help with suggestions about how to move forward from where you are now.
In the meantime, call Adult Protective services and tell them he is violent and you are scared for your safety.
Let me tell you about "do gooders". They get taken advantage of. You have to realize you cannot help everyone. No good deed goes unpunished. If you are going to help, you need to set boundries and stick to them. Yes, you can live with me but no alcohol allowed in my house. Yes you can live with me but I expect you to pay rent. I expect you to respect me and my property. If you can't do this, you can't live with me. And the first time they bring alcohol into the house, don't pay rent or don't respect you, out they go.
If you are not the kind of personality that can set boundries and stick up for yourself, then you should not be helping others. Because others will start taking advantage whether they mean to or not. You have to know when its time to draw the line.
I do not do confrontation well. I am learning to say No. I no longer volunteer. If asked, I will do. It seems when you volunteer its felt you must have the time and you are willing to do whenever they need you. But they call you one day and ask a favor, you say sorry not today. Then the person says "what am I going to do, I need this done". And you cave in. When what you really wanted was a nice quiet day at home with your cat. And you are entitled to that nice quiet day at home. You should never be someones everything. They need to have options. You should never let yourself feel guilty because you say no. I found that I felt guilty saying no but my friends and some family never seemed to.
You are not responsible for your Uncle. 70 is not old but drinking has probably aged him. He needs help that you cannot give him. He is abusing you. You need to get him out of your house. And think before inviting anyone else into ur home. Our homes are our "safe place to fall". We should be able to come home and do whatever we want without having someone wrecking that peace.
And yes, if your Uncle leaves your house driving drunk you call the Police. You tell them he is not allowed back to your home because he is violent. Do not allow them to bring him back drunk. He can sober up in jail for the night.
I would definitely talk to his doctors about his drinking and medication. Mixing the two could have some serious consequences.
You having to care for him is difficult. If he is uncooperative the best place for him is in a memory care facility. There are great places and shi**y places. The type of place you (or your team) choose for him will be dependent upon his finances. This is another thing to consider. If he has no money, then he could be assigned as a ward of the state.
Love him as much as you can but don't sacrafice your own health for someone who will not let you help them.
This is so difficult and you are going to have to decide that this is it, enough is enough, because you will get phone calls from the hospital that will try and guilt you into taking him back. You will have to be ready and willing to say "NO" many times without any wavering. This includes calls from him promising change, if only you give him another chance.
Best of luck, this is such a difficult situation to be in.
Not sure if anyone has his PoA or Medical Proxy but you might want to find out if these documents exist in the event that he is declared incompetent. If he gets into his car when he is intoxicated, you certainly call your local police and tell them.... make sure to give them the license plate number and make and color of the car but this might only be a temporary fix. He sleeps it off and is sober when he gets into his car and leaves the police station to drive back to .......... you.
Your best hope is to call 911 when he gets violent and has an episode (if possible... try to video his actions). The police have the authority to remove him temporarily and take him to the ER or to center for psych eval. Prior to this you can also call your local APS unit and advise them of the situation (give them his name, date of birth, social security number if known) but beware that in most states APS has limitations. All states are different but as an example, this is a direct copy from the NJ website on the instances where APS may get involved and their limitations in NJ:
"APS may become involved in situations that meet all of these conditions: A vulnerable adult is:
Age 18 years or older, AND
Residing in the community, AND
Due to physical or mental illness, disability or deficiency, lacks sufficient understanding or capacity to make, communicate, or carry out decisions concerning his or her well-being, AND
Is the subject of abuse, neglect or exploitation
Limits to Assistance
An APS worker is NOT authorized to:
remove a vulnerable adult from his or her home without a court order.
force an adult with capacity to accept services.
move an individual to an alternate living situation without his/her agreement or a legal representative’s agreement."
As you see, the police can act faster in getting him out of your home, but wherever they take him (hospital, detox center, etc) a social worker will call and tell you he is ready for discharge and come pick him up. It's their job but don't do it!!! If he goes to a hospital ER get in touch with the social work in the ER while they are checking him in and explain that he cannot return to your home. Once he doesn't have a home, APS and social services will have a better chance to help him.
As for the future, you may have to learn to live with the memories of the uncle he once was unless he decides that he wants to be sober.
This a hard situation you are in and I wish you good luck!
Explain the situation to the dispatcher. (please..if there are any weapons in the house lock them up. )
It would be transporting him to the Hospital. Or to Jail.
If they transport him to the hospital you say that he can not be released to home. It is unsafe, he can not care for himself and you can no longer care for him.
YOU are NOT responsible for him.
If they take him to jail. Do not bail him out. When he appears before a Judge you need to tell them that he is no longer welcome in your home, it is unsafe for you and the rest of your family to have him there. He presents a danger to himself and the rest of the family.
While he was in the hospital, detoxing, she got guardianship. She emptied his hoarded, filthy apartment and got him a place in a small 55+ community and got control of his money. She has a cleaner come in once a week. She grocery shops for him and visits him weekly. IF he's been sober, he can be around her kids. That has been pretty effective at keeping him sober.
It is not what she wanted, obviously, but it has worked. He still gets alcohol, but so much less than before. She keeps tight reins on him. She pays for his care out of HIS money, so he can have that feeling of independence.
Guy is 60 and looks 90. So sad.
He's really on his last 'saving'. She has done so much over the years and finally, having guardianship has given her the power to make some significant changes.
Then as several mentioned, your favorite word becomes NO. No, he can’t come back here. No, I won’t be responsible for him.
It will be tough, but not anything compared to what you’re living with. You can do this.
If you care about your uncle at all, then you would not do that to him! Find in-home care for him and get rid of all the booze in the home. Do NOT lock him up! You have no idea of what is going on in these places right now. The abuse and neglect is terrible.
It is legal to drink yourself to death.
Next time he gets abusive call 911. Let the professionals deal with him.
AlAnon for you.
Call 911 if he is violent. Let them take him away and let the professionals handle everything.
Step down from all POA's.
It is unlikely your uncle will stay alcohol free.
Move out of the home if you need to. AlAnon for you and your family.
You will have to call 911 if he falls, gets violent etc. Tell the ambulance workers that he has fallen, is violent but make sure to mention that he is a hardcore alcoholic that needs to be detoxed. The emergency room/hospital will get him on detox meds.
Only after he has been detoxed will he be transferred somewhere. Understand your uncle
may refuse to be transferred somewhere.
I highly recommend AlAnon for you.
2.) The hospital staff will do an assessment and if they determine he has dementia or an alcoholic or is having medical issues they can treat him at the hospital. If he can remain in the hospital for 3 or more days then Medicare will pay for 30 days at a medical rehab facility. Not a rehab facility like for drugs or alcohol but a rehab facility that someone would go to after a hospital stay. This will give you time to think and get your ducks in a row. It's much easier to transition him into a nursing home from a rehab facility. You will never need to bring him back home. They will handle it from there. There are social workers on staff at the hospital who will apply for Medicaid for him and get him placed. Do it asap!!
https://www.alz.org/media/cacentral/documents/Professional-Care-99-Legal-Capacity-Conservatorship-Dementia.pdf