It's been off/on for year's now, that my husband has forced his dad's care upon myself. I'm disabled & it's becoming (seriously) overwhelming for myself. His son refuses to help him or do anything to help me or his own father. I'm becoming resentful this has been forced upon myself. I have no life, since this has happened. My attitude(s) have changed & not for the better either. I find, the patients I used to have, is all but empty, like a glass. I need some direction.
I was in a similar situation with my husband's father, for the last 6-8 months of his life. My hubby felt that I had plenty of time and energy to take care of his father (and two of our own daughters, who still lived at home) AND take care of our home and all that goes along with it.
I was completely unappreciated, by my hubby, and had his father not passed away when he did--I think this would have ended our marriage. Hubby said "family takes care of family"--but anything remotely related to caregiving, hubby would get faintheaded and have to lie down. Literally, he could not handle ANYTHING "gross" and was useless with care. I ended up going to dad's house 3-4 times a day (20 mile roundtrip) so he could get the care he needed. I absolutely refused to bring him into our home, something that is STILL an issue between hubby and myself. To this day he thinks his dad would still be alive if I had been a better caregiver. The truth is, he had leukemia and he outlived his sentence by 10 years.
I did not take time for myself, at all. I was on the go 20 hours a day---after dad died and we liquidated all his assets--I began having migraines, nonstop that lasted for weeks. Just PTSD. Hubby didn't get it.
I WISH I had passed a weekend of care off to my hubby. Several, actually. Simply tell him "You take care of your father 24/7 for 3-4 days. See how that goes". He would have fallen to pieces.
Do check into other areas for care. You are obviously burned out and unhappy. Sounds like your marriage is not in the greatest shape, either. My husband alternately liked/hated that I spent so much time on his dad. He wouldn't help, so he couldn't really complain, but he was a jerk most of the time. Dad was sweet and tried to not be a nuisance, but he was so sick. It was dealing with my hubby that was hard. 13 years later, he's still mad at me, on some level.
In retrospect, dad should have been in a NH the last year of his life. We tried to give him quality of life, he had it, but at what a huge cost to me, my health and my marriage. I do know that when my MIL gets to "that stage" I will not be here to help. Sounds mean, I know, but I HAVE to self preserve. So do you. Good luck.
What resources has dad got? Would he qualify for Medicaid? Has he been examined by a geriatric psychiatrist? Sometimes meds help with paranoia.
You have no friends? Do you have medical insurance? Find a therapist or mental health counselor and start going to therapy. Go to the public library. Walk in the park. Start getting used to GETTING OUT.
No one can force this on you. Are you on disability payments? Do you have a case worker?
Are your husband/father-in-law from another culture originally, which might explain their behavior towards you, in expecting you to just take care of your father-in-law?
If your father-in-law has Alzheimers, which you say he has, you need to educate yourself about what that means for his behaviors. You are saying he's not doing for himself. If he has Alzheimers, his brain is broken and he may NOT be able to do for himself. The same about him being mean to you or saying you haven't fed him for two days. Anyone who knows anything about Alzheimers (or dementia) understands that you can't take what those folks say at face value.
My mom, who has no short-term memory, will say it's the first time she's heard something, when I've told it to her 20X. I'm not worried about anyone thinking she's telling the truth, because if you're around her for 10 minutes, you can see she's not remembering what happened two minutes ago. So quit worrying about what your father-in-law might say about not being fed, if he's of normal weight.
I would start checking with your father's insurance (Medicare, I assume) to see if outside caregivers can be brought in for a few hours a week, to give you a break.
Have you ever had friends? If so, start contacting some of them to reestablish contact. Your husband and father-in-law are happy with how things are, so don't expect any help from them. You have to be the one to change your life and it will take some major guts on your part. But you can do it!
Now, while I can't relate to (personally) enduring/going through that, since I did mention I have no family of my own, I think he uses that as his (own) personal reason(s) for not doing that for his father. I however, feel/think that he's just refusing to see the "reality" of what's going on & how much this takes out of a person. I've been verbally abused by his father, been accused of doing things, that have never been done. His last hospital visit, amounted to him telling the nurse, I hadn't feed him in 2 day's. Reality is, he eats every 2 hours or even more most day's. He refuses to do, even the most trivial of things for himself.
I don't need to go to jail, because his father's confused about the reality of his own life. I don't need this much stress, being forced upon myself. I have (serious) health issues, that are just becoming worse, because I can't get a break for myself. I know, in reality, that it must be difficult for his son, as well as his father. Neither one of them can see how difficult it is for me. I feel terrible on many levels. I just want my life back. Is that wrong? I feel, so deeply, that it is. I know IF I don't take care of him, his son will not, because the past has proven just that.
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