We have lived together for 2 years and have plans to get married after I finish college, he was recently in an accident at work where he fell off a roof on his head and has a breathing tube in but is coherent and can shake his head, his mother who lives 2 hours away came and has all the power as next of kin and is going against his wishes and put a block on visitation or information to anyone except her out of jealousy that her son would rather have me there. She did not tell him she put the block on so he doesn’t know to remove it when the tube is out, although through head movements and spelling out words he specifically requested I be beside him at all times as well as his best friend, but since he can’t talk he has no say. How do I communicate with him that his mother, in a fit of jealousy, has put a block on everyone and me and his friends aren’t just abandoning him, and how do I get a power of attorney when he can’t use his hands? His mother already asked me about his finances to spend his money and is going against his wishes, I need a solution ASAP before she does more harm. I live in PA if that helps at all.
Keep thinking about you and wondering if anything is better for you or for your boyfriend.
I would talk to a Social Worker or Ombudsman.
There are Social Workers in hospitals. Your boyfriend is a vulnerable adult. Look online to find the right department for reporting concerns about patients' welfare and give them a call.
Clearly the Mom loves the son, no matter how inappropriate you may think she is.
The breathing tube may not soon come out. This may be an injury of the spine at the neck, which could mean paralysis of hands and arms as well as breathing. Think of actor Christopher Reeve (Superman) after his spill from his horse. Had artificial respirations until death; watch for hand movement if you can get to see him; that is crucial.
It is normal in ICU for patients to be seen by FAMILY only and those that immediate family designate as "family". Friends do not visit. That would be unusual. This is when family relations that are good are crucial. You don't have that and we can't go there now.
I agree that some of the best advice here so far comes from CWillie who suggests you make an appointment with the ethics committee. If you are living together bring proof of that; if you aren't you are unlikely to get far. If you have financials married together in accounts bring that with you as well. Ask that an interview be done with your boyfriend and a representative of the hospital.
I hope you will keep us updated. I am incredibly sorry for what you and he are going through. This is when we need a miracle.
1. What makes you so determined that you should be POA, other than you are his girlfriend? Because you say so?
2. You are not related. You are not married. If he wanted you to have POA, he likely would have granted this to you.
3. Are your bank accounts held jointly or only in each of your names?
4. You state the mother is doing things out of “jealousy”. What makes you say this? You say she is blocking not only you but everyone so how is she jealous of you?
5. Do you really know that she plans to spend his money and go against his wishes?
6. Or is she a protective mother who understands that money is going to be needed for what is probably long term medical care?
7. Have you asked to sit down with her and express your care and love for him and you’d like to be part of his hopeful recovery?
8. What harm is she doing, as you claim?
You are not on solid footing to legally demand POA. I also would like to know how old both of you are. And...here’s the tough question for you - are YOU prepared to still marry this man, who may need major care and may never walk again? Are you that committed?
I ask all this so that we can understand and possibly some of the very smart folks on this board can tailor some guidance that may help you. Bottom line is going to be that you need an attorney to advise you properly.
Meanwhile, step back and breathe... I really hope this works out well, but you must be prepared. Best wishes for both of you.
When your boyfriend is able to MAKE a choice and express it in some clear way he doesn't need to be able to write, simply able to indicate his wish to a notary trained in this, who can be summoned to his bedside. When he is able to make decisions and voice them he can say who he wishes to have at his bedside. His mother may be moving to guardianship now, especially if she is smelling money in the water with an accident this serious. It is important she not sign to settle anything until she knows what the outcome is for your boyfriend.
I had this happen to a next door neighbor after her fiancee was in a motorcycle accident. The court made the mother the POA. Sorry to tell you this.
How are they keeping you from the bedside. Is there an order in place from the mother. Is she the POA? If not how can she make such an order.
I am so sorry you are going through this. This could be a paralysis that is quad in nature, that is to say below neck, everything severed including breathing. If this is so the tube will not be coming out, at least for a long time. You will be waiting to see what can be gotten back, and as not being next of kin you will not be informed. I am sorry there is not a good relationship between Mom and you, because without it I am afraid you have few rights. I am so sorry. I hope things get better quick for him, and for you both.
I’m pretty sure your neighbor was actually grant guardianship or conservator status because the courts here don’t grant POAs for incapacitated people. They grant guardianship/conservatorship.
If so, his mother's putting a block on visitation rights is a deprivation of liberty. Your boyfriend has a right to receive visitors. That's the starting point, but it seems unlikely that the hospital would concede to her request to block all visitors unless, for example, the staff agree with the mother that visitors would be detrimental to his care.
They might agree, again for example, if visitors result in conflict in your boyfriend's presence, or take up staff time, or distract staff from their work. Have there been issues?
Your boyfriend's wanting to see you, even wanting you beside him at all times, is not at all the same thing as his deciding that he wants you rather than his mother to take charge of medical decisions on his behalf.
You say that she is going against his wishes. Apart from the visitors, are there any other known wishes of his that she is disregarding?