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Hello all,



It definitely had got to the point that all this is on me. My grandpa was discharged from the hospital this past week; transferred to the skilled rehab facility for PT/OT. Now his family is having my phone on blast to check on him. I visit on the weekend; he would ask me to bring a few things he would need. So he would list items he would want for me to find; make sure his bills are paid (electronically or by phone); check the mail (important correspondence), etc.



I work full time during the week; trying to go on a weekday will make me crash; feeling exhausted and not focused; Knowingly I have to wake up early and go to work.
Everyone else says "ask the dr and nurse, this and that and the other"over & over. I am doing what I am able to do. I have no control over the medical staff. I do ask questions and inquire. I even call and ask for info, dr info etc. Grandpa sees me most of the time; though it's only a couple of hours I give; when I can. I have a life to live too. And grandpa knows I have responsibilities. I try to stay humble only for grandpa. I don't want empathy. I just want his family to understand I can't pull all this weight; everyone needs to do their part. Just because I live near by, that doesn't me I am able to do all. I work, I have my studies, I live with my domestic partner and we at times have things to do together. This is causing a strain. I want to see grandpa get his strength back and and in good health. How could I live my life without the pressure?



Please advise.



Thank you.



Overwhelmed Grand
P.S. I am glad there is a site like this for loved ones and family to post their concerns and questions; feeling free without judgment.

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I had this problem with my LO after he had a stroke. Suddenly in his big family everyone wanted to know every detail about care, starting at the hospital, then rehab, then at home. As exhausted as I was I spent 30 minutes or more after coming home from taking care of him and wrote a cheery newsletter that I emailed before I staggered to bed. Another time with another patient I set a daily outgoing phone
message detailing her progress. Not one ever thanked me so it wasn’t worth my time, but at least it kept them from calling umpteen times a day when I was doing patient care. I’ve concluded now that I won’t do it again. His sisters don’t really need to know the nature of his bowel movements anyway. There’s a site called CaringBridge, and you can set up an account there for a sick person daily update so people can sign in and check. That might be the best way to handle it.
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"I just want his family to understand I can't pull all this weight; everyone needs to do their part; just because i live near by; that doesn't me I am able to do all."

What would it look like if everyone "did their part"? What aspects of your stepgrandfather's care could be done by others?

You've written on this site since 2014. You mentioned your grandmother back then. Is she still alive?

Also back then you mentioned that your brother couldn't be involved because he lives in Mount Vernon. That is 16.9 miles and 27 minutes away. That is not far away.

Did you have a great relationship with your stepgrandfather? If not, step away, and let his blood relatives take over. I'm assuming your grandmother has passed on.

You've been involved since at least 2014, and probably before that, right? You've done your time. Time to live your life without this stress, as apparently everyone else has been doing for years.
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Some posts say give the family a weekly status report. Been there. Refused.

My position: I’ll help where I can. But I am not your employee (or Grandpa’s employee). It’s not my job to send status reports or execute to do lists or be bossed around. If the family has an opinion, the family should get involved.
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You really only have two choices as you can’t force other people to step up if they simply won’t. You continue on as you are, or you TELL, not ask, his other family members that you are able to spend 2 hours with grandpa a week on the weekend in addition to your duties of taking care of his finances and that’s it. And then stick to your guns. If they ask you to call the doctor and ask a question, tell them to do it themselves. You have to set your own boundaries because the more you give the more they will take.
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I've often wondered if everyone who has this problem has ever simply TOLD everyone in their family what they write here. It would certainly make life easier if the family members understand the pressure they're unknowingly placing on one person.

So, Step 1 -- tell your family what you've said here.
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You have been caring and an unfair burden has been imposed. Setting boundaries with family will be awkward and expect them to pile on a guilt trip. They can pick up the phone for inquiries and pay bills as well. Please find the resolve to stand up for yourself to preserve your own life.

I fear the next assumption will be assuming caregiving and having granddad live with you and your partner. If this day comes, please hold strong and refuse. Being in rehab is the perfect time to transition to assisted living where granddad will be professionally cared for. You deserve to have your own life and be happy.
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If I were you, I would tell these nagging relatives that I will contact *one* of them *once* a week - preferably after you visit grandpa - and give that *one* person "grandpa updates". Then that designated person can pass that info onto the rest of the family. Since he's out of the hospital and in a rehab facility, I'm going to assume that whatever medical emergency landed him in the hospital is over and he is now in the facility to regain his strength, yes? If that's the case, these relatives shouldn't be hounding you so much for "updates"; grandpa is in rehab and is doing PT/OT to regain his strength. My mom was in rehab various times, and there wasn't very much in day-to-day changes that required daily "updates" to family members.

These relatives keep calling you because you keep answering them. As I said, choose one to keep "in the loop" and let the responsibility of informing the rest of the family fall on him/her. Then set a specific time/date each week to communicate with that one person, and ***ignore*** the rest of the phone calls.

It's a freeing moment in your life when you realize you are NOT REQUIRED to answer your phone every time it rings.
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Santalynn Dec 2022
Totally re answering the phone every time it rings; even before cellphones so many people acted as tho a ringing phone was a signal to 'Jump! Now!' as if a trained circus animal...ridiculous. People are addicted to their phones nowadays and expect immediate gratification of reaching someone automatically anytime they want; not healthy for anybody. Set a schedule: updates to one person once a week; if folks want more they need to do their own 'leg work.' Let the buck stop with you; don't be the doormat, don't be 'trained' by thoughtless, lazy people sort of pretending to be involved in Grandpa's wellbeing. Do not be the 'switchboard'. Do what works for You and only you; love your Grandpa while also taking care of your own health and life, and no more than you want to do. Period. No one is to be a sacrificial lamb to anyone else, even 'kin.'
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Set your boundary now and do not under any circumstances waiver from it. If you tell the family you will check in on him on let's say Saturday from whatever time to whatever time. Only do that and no more.

The family will have to make arrangements for the rest of the time while they work on finding a facility for him.

If you dont set a boundary and stick to it family will expect you to do everything for grandpa and you will be the solution. You dont want to be the solution.
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Someone needs to be his healthcare Proxy who makes medical decisions - usually that person gets power of attorney and deals with finances and bills and usually that person is his primary caregiver- sounds like you are being groomed for the Role . Time to tell these people “ No “ and let your relatives step up to the plate .
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Are you your grandfather's POA, or does he still make his own decisions and manage his own affairs?
If you aren't then tell the family members they can call your grandfather directly. They can go to the rehab themselves. He can ask some of them to take over some of the bill paying and making sure he gets what's on his lists. He can also tell ll of them this himself and not rely on you to be his press secretary to inform everyone. Tell him to.
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