Hello all,
It definitely had got to the point that all this is on me. My grandpa was discharged from the hospital this past week; transferred to the skilled rehab facility for PT/OT. Now his family is having my phone on blast to check on him. I visit on the weekend; he would ask me to bring a few things he would need. So he would list items he would want for me to find; make sure his bills are paid (electronically or by phone); check the mail (important correspondence), etc.
I work full time during the week; trying to go on a weekday will make me crash; feeling exhausted and not focused; Knowingly I have to wake up early and go to work.
Everyone else says "ask the dr and nurse, this and that and the other"over & over. I am doing what I am able to do. I have no control over the medical staff. I do ask questions and inquire. I even call and ask for info, dr info etc. Grandpa sees me most of the time; though it's only a couple of hours I give; when I can. I have a life to live too. And grandpa knows I have responsibilities. I try to stay humble only for grandpa. I don't want empathy. I just want his family to understand I can't pull all this weight; everyone needs to do their part. Just because I live near by, that doesn't me I am able to do all. I work, I have my studies, I live with my domestic partner and we at times have things to do together. This is causing a strain. I want to see grandpa get his strength back and and in good health. How could I live my life without the pressure?
Please advise.
Thank you.
Overwhelmed Grand
P.S. I am glad there is a site like this for loved ones and family to post their concerns and questions; feeling free without judgment.
message detailing her progress. Not one ever thanked me so it wasn’t worth my time, but at least it kept them from calling umpteen times a day when I was doing patient care. I’ve concluded now that I won’t do it again. His sisters don’t really need to know the nature of his bowel movements anyway. There’s a site called CaringBridge, and you can set up an account there for a sick person daily update so people can sign in and check. That might be the best way to handle it.
They are all phone pests. All calling to know, ask, direct & suggest. Hmm.
Why? Are they anxious types?
Or all care but no actual responsibility? Happy to care but not actually DO anything (very happy for you to do the doing). Live too far to DO but want to control? Aka nervous Nellies, backseat drivers or long distant supervisors.
What to do with 'em?
Someone needs to take charge & herd this group of anxious cats into a hierarchy!
Train them.
"Grandpa is *insert* unwell but stable / doing well / doing great. He is set to *insert* move to rehab / go home by *date*.
Lead, Follow, Get outta the way. (I so love that saying).
Who is The Lead here? Is Grandpa in charge of his medical decisions, his bills etc? If Grandpa IS - jackpot.. Direct ALL calls direct to the man himself.
Now if not, just who is his MPOA & his financial POA? THIS person/people are who you direct all calls to.
If this is YOU.. then you are The Lead. This means all the others will have to Follow. Be updated with reasonable info from you at reasonable times. NOT on demand 24/7.
Last option (Get) is they kindly get the message to calm down. "Thankyou for your concern. I'm sure Grandpa would appreciate a nice card".
Questions about his rehabilitation, medical and health care, next steps: your grandfather needs to create a MPOA and select one of his own family to manage it. The people who are "blasting" your phone can then blast that person's, instead.
I'm sorry if I sound grumpy in asking this, but what relation is this man to you exactly? You say he had no children. What role has he played in your life, and how long for, and how come?
What would it look like if everyone "did their part"? What aspects of your stepgrandfather's care could be done by others?
You've written on this site since 2014. You mentioned your grandmother back then. Is she still alive?
Also back then you mentioned that your brother couldn't be involved because he lives in Mount Vernon. That is 16.9 miles and 27 minutes away. That is not far away.
Did you have a great relationship with your stepgrandfather? If not, step away, and let his blood relatives take over. I'm assuming your grandmother has passed on.
You've been involved since at least 2014, and probably before that, right? You've done your time. Time to live your life without this stress, as apparently everyone else has been doing for years.
It sounds like your grandpa want to stay in his home, but he needs nearly full time care.
A retirement facility may be a good solution. Your grandpa will meet people and he won’t be alone. He can get his PT and OT in the facility. Also, all his meals will be prepared.
I think many older people fight a move and then they make friends and have a more active life and a sense of community.
Sounds like the family is happy to let you manage all your grandpa’s care so you need to speak up for yourself. You need to find balance so you don’t burn out.
I fear the next assumption will be assuming caregiving and having granddad live with you and your partner. If this day comes, please hold strong and refuse. Being in rehab is the perfect time to transition to assisted living where granddad will be professionally cared for. You deserve to have your own life and be happy.
These relatives keep calling you because you keep answering them. As I said, choose one to keep "in the loop" and let the responsibility of informing the rest of the family fall on him/her. Then set a specific time/date each week to communicate with that one person, and ***ignore*** the rest of the phone calls.
It's a freeing moment in your life when you realize you are NOT REQUIRED to answer your phone every time it rings.
feel this way re: my immediate, but not my Mom. She does not come ahead of all of everyone. Sorry not sorry.
When you have a mentally ill Parent, that phrase is like fingernails down a chalkboard.
Same with "there's no place like home."
The family will have to make arrangements for the rest of the time while they work on finding a facility for him.
If you dont set a boundary and stick to it family will expect you to do everything for grandpa and you will be the solution. You dont want to be the solution.
I understand that you care about your grandfather. It seems like you have been dumped on though. People will take advantage of you as long as you allow them to do so.
How did you acquire this responsibility? It didn’t just fall into your lap. What was your initial agreement concerning your caregiving duties?
Actually, you shouldn’t be tied down with any of these duties. You have a full plate already and don’t have room for anything else on it.
How much longer do you think you can go on like this before having a total meltdown?
You’re a responsible adult that works full time, goes to school and so forth, don’t jeopardize what you have accomplished by stretching yourself to thinly.
Give notice to your family and resume your life.
You’re young. Live your life! Have some fun. You deserve it!
Tell them you appreciate the concern but can't handle individual calls or texts anymore, you won't be able to answer them individually (this is where setting the boundary and following through becomes your responsibility, it's tough but do it), and you can either use CaringBridge as someone suggested, or create a Facebook group for just family and update everyone there (ignore their comments and questions and don't answer). This way you can also make suggestions about how they can help such as sending him specific things.
Also, you might suggest they connect with him directly; If he has a problem with a smartphone, you can install an Amazon Echo show in his rehab, and that way you, family and friends can call him directly through video and he just have to manage a smartphone (I used the Echo Show often to participate remotely in doctor and PT sessions for example with my mother because she could not manage a smartphone... Echo Show has a "drop in" feature where people can just "drop in" without him having to figure out how to answer. (For privacy reasons he should be called the old fashioned way first to let him know).
As someone who has spent the past 7 years in deep stress caring for her elderly mother without help from family I would just say I hope you can get out of a situation where you're taking care of family members at such a young age. I'm in my '60s and it's definitely ruined a part of my life that I'll never get back. Best of luck to you. You are a good person.
Id suggest contacting the local county agency in aging and see if they can help you navigate finding paid assistance and options for help. You ain't gonna get it from your family so don't stress yourself about it. Do what you have to do to take care of yourself.
also perhaps have a contact person where he is that they can call.
You may have to get to a point of having that firm statement “ if you want to know then you visit or call the place he is at because I have a life. And if you are mad about that well too bad. The subject is closed.” You have that right.
Bless you for what you do.
Boundaries and limits are ridiculously hard to set after the pattern has been established. It sounds like you’ve been involved in elder care for loved ones for EIGHT years now!
While family dynamics are different for every family, in many instances, it seems to me, families are perfectly content to set up a ‘sacrificial lamb’ who shoulders an unfair amount of the burden while the others continue to live their lives, cultivate their relationships, career, hobbies and passions.
What is the plan for Grandpa? How long is he in rehab? Is he going home afterwards or is he transitioning to Independent living?
On one hand, I don’t see anything wrong with you having to spend 2-3 hours a week with Grandpa. But if there are other family members - particularly his children within a 1-2 hour drive, they need to shoulder the burden.
It is very difficult to take care of our own lives and then have the details of someone else’s life to juggle as well. Plus, no matter how kind the loved one is, very few people enjoy the mundane details of adulting. A great burden is lifted when you have someone else to run all the errands, manage the bill paying, take care of house and car maintenance and meals.
A friend of mine was telling me how subtly it all started. Her mom called her at work 3-4 years ago and asked if she would swing by Walmart and pick up 4-5 things. It was cold, snowy and icky weather. Before she knew it, she was having to stop by Mom’s house before work with coffee, after work after running errands, then go home, cook supper and then bring supper over to Mom. While it was a small town, her whole life outside of work soon revolved around Mom. Her days off were spent taking Mom to different appointments and getting her two cars serviced.
Finally, she met with her brother and sister and told them she couldn’t do it anymore. They came to the conclusion (and friend agreed) to have friend quit her job and take care of Mom Monday-Friday. Only, she is paid for it - and paid more than what her “real” job paid. There are also limits, she is ‘on the clock’ 800AM - 800PM, only she isn’t with Mom the whole time. About 500 PM, she prepares Mom’s supper and her day is pretty much done. After 800 PM, any emergencies are handled by the brother or sister.
Okay, that’s probably a useless anecdote.
It does sound like there needs to be a family meeting and the goal needs to be to get Grandpa’s life streamlined. It costs money to live, it costs money to age. Does he need someone to run errands? Can they be handled by having things delivered? Too bad if there is a delivery charge and/or tipping to be done. This is part of aging. Does he need meal prep, house cleaning, help with laundry etc.? Again, he (and family) may not WANT to pay for it, but then someone else can step in and do it.
Good luck - I know it’s hard to break patterns and set limits. But it will help you in the long run.
He's bullied you in the past. If he says "move in with me" or something equally preposterous, are you going to be able to stand up to family pressure.
Who is talking to the discharge planning folks at the rehab place?
Since the family is looking to you for updates (and not grandpa himself) does that mean folks don't think he's able to manage his own health?
Consider sending a once a week email to all the family members with a brief update. Encourage any questions or suggestions be submitted via email. Stop answering your phone
The 'move in with me' trap. That's always a good one. I've had that one offered to me more than a few times from elderly relatives and their grown, adult kids. These offers were plentiful after my divorces.
I'll consider every offer if the elder or their grown kids make if they meet my demands.
All property, bank accounts, and investments get put into my name. Then I'll move in and take care of the elderly relative in their home.
After I state my terms, the elder and the family members don't ask me again.
Family....SMH....
My cousin's step-mother who I barely know has dementia now and they want to get some homecare services. They're expecting me to give them a special price on it.
There is no special price. The cost is the cost and the same for everyone.
We have a similar situation where a granddaughter lives closest to her our mom. This was by our mom's choice because when she had to move to a senior apartment community, she didn't like the regions where both her children lived. She ended up needing a lot more care than anyone imagined, and after less than a year there, they realized she actually needed fulltime memory care.
How it was handled when the community repeatedly called, the grand told them to call me or my brother because she didn't have authority to make decisions or pay bills. If you forward or refer calls to one of the adult children for resolution or tell them who to call the community/rehab facility will stop calling you. It may take a few times. Also, in the reverse you can respectfully give family members the phone numbers of contacts at the facility and the phone number of grandfather's room so they can reach out to them.
I became the sole person called, even though I live a couple of hours away and was working fulltime. It's OUR responsibility, not the grandchildren to do this just because the grand lives closer by.
If there's a durable Power Of Attorney (POA) already set up, it can help one of the adult children to facilitate. If not, they/or one of them should take steps to have one set up so they can take responsibility paying bills and decision making etc.
It can be done remotely! I did it, so can any family members who should actually be responsible and not a grandchild. Visiting is still nice, but you need to live your life too. They will understand as responsible adults.
Good luck with this!
The best advice I can think right now is actions speak louder than words so it’s not your job to “try to help them understand”— they are adults, probably even older than you right? They already understand they are not doing much of anything and your doing it all. They already know this so they don’t need anyone to help them understand. The best thing you can do is get the message across by your actions of pulling back from doing half these things. Enforce a boundary by stating as much as you’d like to do it all, you have limitations to your time and effort as you also have things in your own life that need attending to. When they try to persuade you dismiss it with a polite “I’m sorry I can’t possibly do all this by myself”. If you really want to spend that time helping him inform them you will be able to continue once your officially being compensated financially some amount for your time. If they complain or try to pull the “your his granddaughter” card tell them they are his son or daughter in law etc, and that nobody can invest that much time w/o being financially compensated. Pls take care of yourself, don’t let them guilt trip you it’s manipulation to be able to get more free time and labor from you and that’s wrong
If you aren't then tell the family members they can call your grandfather directly. They can go to the rehab themselves. He can ask some of them to take over some of the bill paying and making sure he gets what's on his lists. He can also tell ll of them this himself and not rely on you to be his press secretary to inform everyone. Tell him to.
So, Step 1 -- tell your family what you've said here.
***Hold your ground. Figure out what precisely you are willing to do & let your family know you are bowing out from there bc of school and rest of your life/your health.
Why is this on you so much as a G-Kid??
Be firm but nice in your responses.
I have learned with my Mom if there is any gray area, she will try to repeatedly cross the boundary...change my Mom. Stand up for yourself and what you know is best for YOU!
See if you can create an email or Messenger communication group of all family members who have an interest in Grandpa's well-being, and start communicating with ALL group members about both YOUR and Grandpa's needs. If there IS a POA and Healthcare Directive, get a copy and share the documents with doctors, facilities, caregivers, etc, and direct those places to start communicating with the named power-of-attorneys in the documents.
If there are no documents, it's time for Grandpa to pay for those documents to be drawn up. As soon as family members realize that you are seriously taking control, they may have a change of heart about taking some responsibility for Grandpa. If not, they are heartless people, and you will need to get the documents drawn up and notarized on your own. Also, arrange to have a social worker assigned to Grandpa through his Medicare plan. Meet regularly with the social worker regularly to get help, advice, referrals for assistance, etc.
Best of luck!
If they try to direct you to do this and that - like ask the nurses or doctor about something - tell them "No." I can't do any more than I am doing. End of discussion Change the subject and/or hang up if you have to.
What a wonderful granddaughter you are to be doing what you are doing.