Hello all,
It definitely had got to the point that all this is on me. My grandpa was discharged from the hospital this past week; transferred to the skilled rehab facility for PT/OT. Now his family is having my phone on blast to check on him. I visit on the weekend; he would ask me to bring a few things he would need. So he would list items he would want for me to find; make sure his bills are paid (electronically or by phone); check the mail (important correspondence), etc.
I work full time during the week; trying to go on a weekday will make me crash; feeling exhausted and not focused; Knowingly I have to wake up early and go to work.
Everyone else says "ask the dr and nurse, this and that and the other"over & over. I am doing what I am able to do. I have no control over the medical staff. I do ask questions and inquire. I even call and ask for info, dr info etc. Grandpa sees me most of the time; though it's only a couple of hours I give; when I can. I have a life to live too. And grandpa knows I have responsibilities. I try to stay humble only for grandpa. I don't want empathy. I just want his family to understand I can't pull all this weight; everyone needs to do their part. Just because I live near by, that doesn't me I am able to do all. I work, I have my studies, I live with my domestic partner and we at times have things to do together. This is causing a strain. I want to see grandpa get his strength back and and in good health. How could I live my life without the pressure?
Please advise.
Thank you.
Overwhelmed Grand
P.S. I am glad there is a site like this for loved ones and family to post their concerns and questions; feeling free without judgment.
If you only hear "crickets," it's time to call Adult Protective services to evaluate him for appropriate placement.
Do your best in getting him help and then retire from this custodial job.
Before you do the group conversation noted above, I think I'd send one to ask for their help in visitation...based on... he needs eyes on him during his stay to make sure everything is on the up and up at random times of the day. And, you can't do these visits yourself. Suggest a calendar that they can put their names on certain days they can plan to show up. Be very clear with your own schedule you cannot do this without their help. Additionally, they need to start working on a plan for when he is released - he may still be weak and in the need of some help day/night upon release. Tell them all that if they can't help by being there, you'll have to hire help (so be prepared for his money to be used/their contributions or moving him in with one of them until he is better)
If you get a bunch of naysayers as far as helping, do you know what his finances are? If money allows, go ahead and start lining up some in-home care to be with him as much as affordable when he is released. Don't discuss it with them unless you are going to have to depend on their contributions to pay for it.
Always be direct with what you need covered. Some folks will help if specific tasks are requested and some won't help at all.
If nothing works out, perhaps the family members can move Grandpa to their locales. After that, time to consult an Elder Law Attorney to get you the legal advice you need to set yourself free and get Grandpa safe and secure.
Write / communicate your needs and commitment to the family - you need to clearly state your boundaries of what you will and will not (continue to) do - and include specifics of how this is affecting you/r health, physical and mental.
* If they do not want to physically be there to manage some of the needs, tell them you need to hire caregiver(s) and they need to contribute. Be clear on what you need / asking as many people simply do not know the cost of care (givers).
* Tell them this is as much their responsibility as it is yours. They need to step up or your grandpa - their father (?) uncle (?) etc will suffer the consequences. This ISN'T solely your responsibility.
* The family may not 'do anything pro-active' unless and until you do. You need to tell them this is a family responsibility, and due to distance, other arrangements can be made. In essence, the distance of the rest of the family is NOT a deterrent of them providing support (ie you getting help/caregivers).
Gena / Touch Matters
My position: I’ll help where I can. But I am not your employee (or Grandpa’s employee). It’s not my job to send status reports or execute to do lists or be bossed around. If the family has an opinion, the family should get involved.
Tell the extended family that although you have done your best to help out, right now you have a 'medical' situation that will prevent you from helping him as much as you have. You don't have to tell them in detail that the medical condition is your needing a physical and mental break from it all. Notify the rehab facility that you are having to step away from helping out and give them the number of gran's family to contact. Tell gran that you won't be there for a couple weeks. I know that many suggest staying firm to your 'boundaries' but unfortunately, the extended family will not honor your boundaries unless you take drastic measures - like stepping away.
Feel bad for gran - yes, but, HE should have had a plan in place- and that is where the POA steps in.