After my dad was hospitalized and I realized my 88yo parents could no longer live independently, they both came to live with me 13 months ago. Mom has some age-related decline but is mostly self-sufficient. Dad has dementia and needs a great deal of care. I am their only child. Mom and Dad have been married 69 years. Even with his dementia, Dad still knows Mom and doesn't ever want to be apart from her. I am married and work full-time, and we're managing right now with hired caregivers during my work day. It's getting more and more difficult, not to mention more and more stressful, to care for Dad, and I anticipate some point in the future when we will have to put him in a memory care unit. Mom does not want to go to a facility with him, nor does she need that level of care. It breaks my heart to think of him in a place without my mom, knowing how emotionally dependent he is on her and knowing how confused and sad he will be without her. How do I handle the emotions that will come from separating him from his beloved wife?
1. If you have a good hospital bed (in the United Kingdom there is the Dyna-Form Air-Pro Plus bed that is an air mattress that adjusts sections of the bed every 20 minutes by electricity), this makes it possible for someone to remain in their home and still have a surprisingly contented life. I pull up a separate bed frame and mattress and sleep beside her each night, which we both appreciate.
2. You do need carers (or the Americans say, caregivers) to come especially in the morning and evening to change incontinence pads and help with meals. We have Home Instead, a US firm, that has local franchises especially in the USA. Each franchise will be different but our experience is that they are very competent and caring. If you try to keep care for yourself or within the family, you will burn out.
3. Both persons going into a care facility at the same time is a possibility, but you have to make the choice cautiously. It could be difficult for someone without dementia to spend the entire day surrounded by dementia. However, it might be a possibility with a shared room and different activities. I considered this, but rejected it. A lot of the problem in the United Kingdom is that care facilities are quite regimented with people being required to eat, sleep and do specific activities at set time. Each of us are unique human beings with different needs. For example, my wife is sleeping some 16 to 18 hours out of 24 (with 12 to 13 each evening and morning and afternoon naps). This is essential for her to be able to relate to others; and there is research evidence that sleep helps a person to cope with the Tau tangles and amyloid plaques in the brain--not to remove the underlying problems, but to temporarily diminish their impact. In a care facility this is hard to handle, unless the person just stays in bed and is somewhat ignored.
Be encouraged and move ahead slowly. There will be a solution that is right for everyone.
Love and Prayers
See if you can move them in together. But don’t assume that your mother will outlive him, just because she seems self-sufficient now. Just keep them together as long as you can. Lots of love to all the family, Margaret
At some point he will begin to forget your mom, and that is likely when you can bring her home again. If she would agree, going out during the day will require some fibbing on her part, to assure him she'll be back. She could say she's going to work or out to shop, etc. Another option is to have her spend part of her day there, taking meals with him, maybe lunch or dinner and then come home when it's his bedtime. That way she gets to be with him without having to provide care but doesn't have to live there or incur the cost of living there. It would make his adjustment a little easier. It's only temporary, until he adjusts.
She may be longing for a break, you know. Be prepared to keep your face neutral.
Kimberly G., BSN RN SRES
Geriatric Nurse Consultant/Senior Real Estate Expert
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