How can I remain motivated to care for both of my parents?

I don't know if you'll be back to read this or not and I am sorry you aren't getting the support and love you need and hoped to find. I can only tell you what I know for a fact and that is what I have done myself. As of November 1st I have been caring for both of my parents alone with no help for 7 years. They are currently 91 and 95. Both with multiple health issues, everything from severe dementia , CHF , diabetes , Macular degeneration, both totally incontinent , one bed ridden and full care ( hoyer lift ) I know this from what you've mentioned, these issues are indeed progressive. I don't have children in the home, but have two sons living in different states and grandchildren that I rarely see unless they fly here ( schedules make this hard ) one grandson who will be 1 Nov. 1st whom I have never held. This for me is the hardest part, well emotionally speaking. Memories and special occasions, time I'll never get back. Here's the thing, I also love my parents. They have been married 68 yrs and are in their own home together because of the care I provide them. Is it easy, no. Is it worth it, I believe for me it is. Many tears, lots of heart ache but at the end of the day, I have to say I would do it again. Did I think this journey would be taking me into my 7th year, no. I came because my Dad called me and made it sound like my mother was near death ( he believed this ) some days I think they are doing far better than I am, because most caregivers don't have the time or energy to care for themselves. To your question about staying motivated....well I think it varies for everyone depending on their circumstances. For me, I cried out to the Lord. I opened my bible and actually read it cover to cover. I realized I couldn't get out to attend church, so I emailed ( repeatedly ) my local Calvary christian church and was able to open my home 2 hours a week to have a women's bible study and to get the fellowship I was so very hungry for with like minded women. I am not by any means trying to preach or even sell you on religion as that is a very personal decision between you and God. I will say this, God is sufficient. I can honestly say it is only through his grace, mercy and sufficiency I have come this far, not in my own strength. There are no black and white answers to what will motivate you to get from one day to the next my friend, I so wish there was. I guess knowing that the situation will likely get more difficult the best advice I have is to be painfully honest with yourself and your capabilities going forward. The more time that passes, the harder I think it is to make change. It is exhausting emotionally , physically and spiritually. I have done this so long I don't even remember what it feels like not to live by the clock or have a day off. You have children friend, and none of us can be our best when our cup is empty. I wish I could give you a hug ( I know how often I wish someone would hug me and tell me everything's going to be alright ) but just know I will be praying for you. Please know that regardless of what you decide or how you choose to go forward feel good about yourself, you tried! This is so much more than so many do. If you choose to continue, may God bless you and give you everything you need so that your cup is never empty for your parents, your children or You xo

Hi, first of all..breathe....
1. take yourself a very needed break...and when you return set some boundaries.
2. Meals - Council on aging can provide your parents with meals.  As far as the rest, let everyone fend for themselves...go on a strike and I bet you will see a different attitude.  Peanut Butter and Jelly works wonders for kids. Mac and Cheese! 
3.  Get you mom some professional help...there is all types of medicine for bipolar.
4. Find yourself a good handy man and let him take care of the yard......
5. Maybe it's you that needs the saving.....start your own life and let them find their own way.
6.  Have you check in to getting your parents on home health through their doctors and you can get some assistance for them...social worker for your mom with all her issues, and you dad as well.
7.  As far as the arguments your mom tries to start...walk out the room...do not say anything...it will only end up in a shouting match and nothing gets resolved..your mom has an illness...get it checked.
8.  Get yourself some good self help books and read...and practice and read some more..but most of all take care of yourself....you are the number one person in your life!  Joint a support group! Express your thoughts, and feelings, write in a journal everyday...because it will help..what seems like a big deal today is trivial to what comes next.
9.  If nothing works for you...move on with your life!  Be the best you can be for you!

Be patient, be kind and forgive...forgiveness is for you!  It brings peace to yourself ... We only have one life...make it the best one you can!

I'll go with you..Im caring for my 90 yo mother with dementia & she recently punched my head, threw mouth wash in my eyes & threw plastic bottle at me..Im ready to put her back in nursing home...I have her home 6 months from nursing home...

The situation is far too complex for you to handle it alone. Try contacting the Adult Protective Services in your city/town and pass the matter over to them (they are the
professional experienced people) and no costs involved. If they evaluate your parents to need professional care they will remove them from your home and you will have a
life again!!!

I'm with you on this one. It is hard to please the elderly. So many of them are unhappy. It is not at all you, it is them. I think it might have to do with old age that is not easy to cope with. Apart from the 'illnesses' , there is also very little 'purpose'. It is very debilitating and sad for everyone around, when they can not find happiness in just 'being'. Many do not and it is often worse when one partner is gone. Do not internalize it. Just know it is not you, but them expressing a discontent in the wrong way. Maybe they will find a little joy in the library too. Go well.

My husband has alz & we asked the Dr. For something so he wouldn't be neg. Etc. Gave him antidepressent & turned him from lion to lamb. I know how hard it must be for you as I took some college classes & family couldn't adjust to a chgd routine so end of classes for me. Stress wasn't fun & now I know can chg your health. BE good to yourself. Ask what is most important to me. How is this affecting my children. Time goes fast & they grow up & have many years ahead. Make them good years. Not knowing your parents hard to give advice. Do they have friends you could talk to to see what they suggest (alone). At mealtime maybe ask them questions about when they were little what they did when they were 9 or 11. Where did they live? Big house, own bedrm? What did there mom do, dad do? Etc. Don't try to be Superdaughter. Space yourself. Love your folks but remember you will always be there little girl. My 62 yr old reminds me she is now grown & I remember saying same to my mom. Take 3 deep breaths when stressed to refocus.

My husband has dementia, one of the signs is a change in their personality. Like being whiney, unreasonable, and down right mean! They are scared and take out on the ones they love most. I also had the whine about everything I fixed to eat .I started fixing food my husband normally wouldn't eat. Chang it up, don't fix the things they are use too, try something different! When they complain, pay no mind. Remember their world is falling a part, thy to get a provider to stay with them at least one day a weak . Medacare & insurance will often foot the bill, if the primary care request it. As for Friday, make a date for your parents to visit someone, or do something. DO NOT expect them to make plans, it wont happen. Good luck!

I see this house belongs to you (?)  Not sure what you expected folks here to tell you, but you shouldn't be surprised at the honest reactions.   You did want honesty, right?  There is help out there for you, and you'll apparently have to be the one to search out practical answers, which yo really did get from this forum.  Sorry you're so unhappy.  You'll hopefully be out of school sooner rather than later.  Good luck to you.  You took on too much, obviously.

Sounds like they need 1) proper diagnosis (both of them)and appropriate meds. 2)At least, look for day care for them so you get a break. If they continue to be a problem, you move out with your kids, or find a placement--not a nursing home, but perhaps AL or a residential care home. I suspect that they wouldn't tolerate home help. BTW, I know 2 people who showed no signs of being bipolar until their mid-30s, so it can apparently have a late onset. Also, have you tried finding music that they remember or enjoy?

I'm not sure what ideas you are really asking for. and I have no intention of being rude. We usually respond as we merge our experiences with what you are reporting.
AS I see it, Id be separating the 3 generations immediately. as others have said, you owe a good life to your kids, and being a slave to your parents is not a good state to be in.
Now for some reason, my father hated me and made it very clear from birth, so when I was' big enough and ugly enough' as he so often informed me I stood up to him in his early and latent dementia years by thanking him for his abuse. So when he said something awful Id say "So glad you like it" and that would have him spinning, he had no other nasty response.. then a few minutes later I would correct him on his comment. and quickly change the subject. Now they didnt live with me but it sure made the visits [ to check on my Ma] easier. So when they run you down regarding a meal just do the MonaLisa smile and say "So glad you enjoyed it" what 'it' is has nothing to do with the point really.
As for your mother, her venom must be upsetting your children big time. IF she doesnt have a diagnosis then go get one. You owe it to them. Not her..
And using one hand to count on Im guessing they had you 'late in life' and so blackmailed you from day one that you ruined their middle age, and coming along stuff for you to be putting up with such behaviour for so long.
I found out the facts of life at the age of 14, that my parents 'had me' I didnt land up on their doorstep or under the cabbage plant as I was told as a 6 yr old.
Can you make their living quarters separate from you, Give them an ultimatum meanwhile and say OUT OF MY HOUSE on a fri.. or move out. to fight over a garbage bag at 15c... really sums up the situation.
Please save your childrens lives.. it aint going to have happy memories in it.

Just reread ur post. You really need to have Mom evaluated. If she is BiPolar there r meds that will help. BiPolar is usually a life long thing doesn't show up overnight. Both ur parents need good physicals. It could make ur life much easier if it's found they can have meds to help.

First, you are dealing with a BiPolar person. Hopefully Mom is taking her meds. Has Dad been diagnosed with Dementia? There can be other things that show signs of Dementia. Low potassium, diabetes, UTIs and others. You don't mention siblings. Your parents are not that old and should be doing a lot of things on their own. I was raised you ate what is put in front of you, no complaints. Your parents are of the same generation as I am and should understand it. BiPolar doesn't mean Mom can't do. My cousin suffers from it and is always moving. She should be able to make a few meals. Your nine and 11 year old can be taught to cook simple things. Maybe if they see the time put in to preparing a meal they will appreciate it. I understand about the cleaning. I am he same way. I get so much done when no one is around. I am assuming that the house is ur parents. You may just have to let certain things go. Just teach your girls to keep their area clean and to help straighten up the rest. You need to get in the mode that you r becoming the adult and ur parents the children. Hopefully your education will help you in getting a good job. Maybe by that time, Mom and Dad can go to an Assisted living together. Do watch how his is effecting ur girls and let them know they can tell u how they feel. Good Luck

You are young, in school, have children and you need a life and a chance to live a normal life. If these two parents have all these medical problems, and then they are not considerate and nice to you and show no appreciation, then there is no decision to be made except one. They both have to be placed somewhere so you can live as you should be able to do. Especially, I say this, after you have already done so much for them under very difficult circumstances. Dementia and illness do not, in my opinion, act as excuses for intolerable and abusive behavior. No one should ever allow that. Get going and start living your life as it should be lived. They had their time. Good luck.

You are young, in school, have children and you need a life and a chance to live a normal life. If these two parents have all these medical problems, and then they are not considerate and nice to you and show no appreciation, then there is no decision to be made except one. They both have to be placed somewhere so you can live as you should be able to do. Especially, I say this, after you have already done so much for them under very difficult circumstances. Dementia and illness do not, in my opinion, act as excuses for intolerable and abusive behavior. No one should ever allow that. Get going and start living your life as it should be lived. They had their time. Good luck.

I am sorry Ivertreese but some of what you are "saying" is difficult to comprehend. You're a full-time student but are available 24/7 - I guess you might be a student online but then you need to be studying and that makes you not 24/7 on the caregiving.  You also don't say how long this has been going on. 

You must not be the only one cooking as you make dinners 7 nights a week but only a few days with lunches - no breakfasts mentioned. I'm not trying to be negative here, but it isn't adding up and could also be a lot of your "lack of motivation" as you are exhausted, maybe 24/7 exhausted.

I'm wondering how is your health? It is possible that it is time to take your children and separate from your parents - even if only for a short time - to let the air cleanse?

A wise man said, there are 3 sides to every story - your parents might have some valid gripes, you have valid gripes too, but the 3rd side is the actual truth of the situation. Most of us tend to exaggerate in our own interests.  Me too and I try to catch myself whenever I do it.

You won't like me saying this but you need to put some distance between yourself & kids and your parents. You cannot leave your children so you must take them and leave your parents.

72 and 73 are not ancient and they can take care of themselves and function on their own. And, at 29, you should be raising your children on your own. For your own mental health and that of your children.

You still living at home and with your 2 children, seems to be making a bad situation for all involved.

Mindset is one of the things that makes tolerating difficult behavior easier for me - this isn't my parent's action - it's the disease. My Mom with MCI still has her own personality but my Dad with dementia is a very angry man with hurtful comments and complaints. Remembering him as the man he choose to be in his 40s and 50s helps me let go when he acts very differently now. Many comments still sting, but some don't bother me at all now and I have found I can let go easier of the hurtful ones when I lay it at the door of the disease. Your mom probably doesn't hate everyone and everything but she might hate that she needs help and feels venerable. She might hate seeing her husband failing.

Does school provide enough positive outside adult contact for you? When home is a "negative" environment, recharging with a little of the positive can help. Think of how you could increase your outside activities - maybe a short trip every day with your kids to a park? Talking with strangers about kids and community news over a cup of coffee can help more than you would think until you have tried it. Building a family tree on Ancestry can connect with distant relatives while working into your schedule.

Try to bring some joy into your home on a daily basis. Does one of your children have an activity your parents would enjoy watching? Is there an old comedy show your parents and kids could watch together? Maybe try talking to Mom about how she wants her grandchildren to remember her - as someone who was always angry and complaining or someone who laughs at shows/movies?

One of the things that seems to go first when dementia or depression sets in is the ability to make plans. Instead of asking your parents to go out on Friday, you might want to arrange for them to go out. Are there relatives or friends their age they could visit and stay over lunch? A senior center? A mall with a theater?

I sense you are missing "alone time" - that was one of the biggest adjustments for me when my mom moved in. My bedroom is now my space, although sometimes I need to use that space when the rest of the household is sleeping. I have found it's much easier to take an afternoon nap that get an uninterrupted hour for a relaxing soak in the tub so I usually soak now when everyone else is sleeping.

Others have given some meal planning suggestions so I would only like to add try adding foods your parents would have eaten as children or young adults. My Mom loves cornbread, soup, cottage cheese, soup beans, fresh sliced garden vegetables, etc. When including these dishes in a meal, she will often tell stores of when these were served at home or which relative enjoyed that food. My Mom loves homemade vegetable beef soup and cornbread so I make a big pot of soup and reheat it as a quick meal for her when the kids want something else.

The household doesn't need to retreat into the past, but having the music, books, entertainment, photo albums, and the like from your parent's youth around for some period of the day does seem to improve their mood - at least it does for my folks. Hope you find some of this helpful.

Don't do it. Caring for your parent's every need is not recommended. Been there done that. If U want a huge set back in your own life mentally, physically & financially and can handle putting aside (all) of your own needs then by all means do what U want. Do NOT feel guilty of U place them in a caring qualified assisted living or nursing home. Trust me if I had to do it over again I would not. Parent's will guilt trip U into doing what they want like U are their possession. They want to maintain control almost till their last breath. DONT DO IT. U will Never have quality time with them in their last years because U are doing all the caregiving. Even if U have help come in Don't do it. ChNces are they will 'NOT appreciate anything U do. Even IF they act like they will in the very beginning or prior. Heed my caution.. please please if U want to keep Ur sanity. No amount of money is worth the STRESS U will experience.

I applaud you for what your doing, you have your hands full. Maybe there is a Senior Center or Senior Day Care not too far away. You could take both of your parents to for a few hours once or twice a week. A day to yourself will do wonders for you and give you a chance to think. I wish you the best, your doing a great job..

I think you are not being fair. You need to get out of this situation, your children should come first (they should be your motivation). Even if you can afford to take care of yourself and everyone, you are still setting your children up for a future (maybe another 10 to 20 years) for this type of situation. If you are able to pay for all this, why don't you go out to diner at least twice a week or hire a cook and someone to clean the house. You are having guilt feelings, deep inside you want out. It won't get better. You are going to need a lot, lot, lot of motivation. This is not an easy job and if you want to take care of your parents, then okay, but remember that being a caregiver is a job that is not appreciated, specially by siblings, family members and others around. They all give advise (I have been a caregiver for my MIL for 5 years) and feel unappreciated by her family. We don't want to go out because we have to take her everywhere we go (can't get a family member to watch her while we go out and it's very expensive). Since you are financially able, I am sure you can hire an adult sitter. The worst thing about a caregiver is guilt.

I think the young woman has left this site. It is a tough situation. I don't see why the mother can't cook some of the meals. No one should be doing all that and going to school full time, studying and caring for children

Both being a mother and a full time care giver can feel like thankless jobs at times....I have done both. Cooking and cleaning, while necessary parts of life, get so monotonous they feel overwhelming...it just never ends! For me it is laundry and dishes... They just never end!

You need to find outlets for you to be you and have some fun. Maybe spend time as a family planning and then sharing in the meal prep. Try new things. I used to do that when I had five children and my FIL at home and my husband worked evenings. Start an exercise routine. Find a hobby you love and devote a few hours a week to doing it.

I would assume your children are in school, or even home schooled, so choose a topic to discuss at dinner related to their studies. You said you are a full time student, are you going to a school or doing an online program? Share your learning with your children.

Sometimes it helps to just focus on the positives. Make a list of all the positives that make you choose to do what you are doing and post it by your mirror. Look at it each morning. Post positive quotes around your home.

Approach this as a career...study and search for the best ways to parent, caregiver, bi-polar and dementia behavior management. (I spend a lot of time doing this.)

Invite others to dinner, it is nice to see company manners being used by all ;-). Set up a game night.

If your parents won't leave so you can clean and listen to music, see if they will stay in one room and get headphones for your phone or iPod, etc... And listen while you work. I like to listen to audible books while I clean, I put one on my phone, put on my head phones, tuck it in my pocket, and work away.

Good luck

You need a break. Find someone to help (hire someone an hour or two). I took care of my parents for a year on and off. My mom had a stroke and my dad has dementia. The loneliness, the workload, cleaning, cooking, shopping, meds, doctor's appointments, fighting, complaining is a challenge. My children are adults and I knew I could return to my own home at some point and I was losing it. If you can, find someone to talk to as well.

I lived with my parents for 6 months after my mom had a stroke and my dad has dementia. I experienced a lot of what you're going through except my children are adults and I knew I could go back to my own home once I was able to move them closer to me in assisted living (which took a year). I was going crazy with the cleaning, cooking, shopping, complaining and sense of being alone. You need a break! If there's someone who can help reach out. Also finding someone to talk to helps.

I'm thinking of you. It's so difficult. Have you considered Adult Daycare for your dad? Maybe if even one of them was out of the house you could feel more peaceful. I think your mom is fighting the loss of your dad in a way. Dementia is soul killing for all. Also can you get them (or you!) on anti depressants and/or anti anxiety meds? They are prescribed to help with behaviors. Keep venting here even if not every answer fits or is helpful to you. You are in a tough spot to say the least. I wish I had the answer. I feel bad for complaining about my elderly mother when others have it so hard.

Jvertreese, I agree that Barb's post was not helpful. But if you'd answered her questions that would have enabled us to be more focused. I can't see that it is rude. We often ask posters, especially new ones, for more information.

I don't see any judgments being passed here. You are in a very tough situation, and we were trying to offer suggestions that might help. How is suggesting setting boundaries about topics of discussion at the dinner table judgmental?

In any case, if you were looking for tools for motivation and expect something like a list of the four images you should run through your mind, or the 12 steps to tolerating verbal abuse, you really did come to the wrong site. That is not what we do.

You came here asking how to remain motivated for caring for your parents and saying that nothing that you do is good enough. Sorry my answer disappointed you. Go to the library and find some self-help books. Good luck finding motivation.

Hmmm. Im so disappointed that i came here for some tools to work through my situation and instead face judgement from others in similar situations. Unbelievable. Thank you all for passing judgement on someone seeking motivation and making me feel worse. I wont be back to this support forum.

Thank you Barb for your rude, unhelpful comment. Since you dont know how to read, Im not sure how to help you understand. Im not in need of or in search for a job. I am completely self sufficient and providing care for BOTH of my parents.

Wow. This is not what you should be doing with your life at age 29. But since you are doing it, I can understand about trying to stay motivated.

If you moved out to an apartment or home of your own, you would make dinner 7 days a week, keep you place clean, keep all the electronics in working order, do laundry, and possibly do yard work. The only tasks you wouldn't have are those related to helping your father.

So I know it isn't the workload itself that is the problem. It is about as easy to cook for five as it is to cook for three.

The problem is the lack of appreciation for what you do, anger permeating the house, and someone trying to micromanage your actions.

I wonder how you can reduce that? What if once a week you sat down with them or at least with your mother, and came up with 7 menus for the week? And then you have a rule that there will be no complaining about food they have approved. If there is any complaining there will be cereal and toast for dinner the next night. If they complain about how you've prepared the food they approved, they can hire a cook, and you will cook for yourself and children. Oooo ... I'll bet they'll be unhappy with that, but you are unhappy now. Why should their happiness be more important than yours?

You feel that your mother has undiagnosed mental illness, maybe bipolar disorder. Most mental illnesses, including bipolar, can be treated -- not necessarily cured, but dealt with in a way that enables the patient to be more functional and emotionally stable. I have two bipolar relatives, and proper treatment is essential. So ... mother needs a thorough medical exam, with the doctor being apprised of her behavior in a note from you before the appointment. She won't go? I'd make that a condition of your continued help.

You should probably tell your dad's doctors about the occasional rages. They may prescribe sometimes to use as needed to help calm him down.

You are right. The health of your parents is only going to get worse. Down the line some kind of care facility may be necessary, no matter what they want. Your help can perhaps delay that time, but dementia is relentless and doesn't respect any wishes or help. This will be Not Your Fault, whether you are living with them or not. The progress of dementia is Not Your Fault. Your mother's mental illness is Not Your Fault. Keep that firmly in mind.

I am kind of glad you blew up about the trash bag! If you were sharing a house with a friend and she got all pissy about trash bags, I'm sure you would either tell her off or have a conversation with her. Your housemate is your mother, but you are an adult. Your relationship should be as equals, as adults. She cannot micromanage your behavior just because she is your mother. Maybe in the future, instead of blowing up (that is what she wants -- so she wins) you can state your case calmly and firmly, and go on doing what you are doing. That may take some of the wind out of her sails.

If I were in your situation, I would make two conditions for staying, and if they aren't met I would look for a different housing arrangement.
1) No complaining about food at the dinner table.
2) Mom has a thorough medical exam and then follows up with any referral that get made.

Come back and tell us how this is progressing. We care.

You are teaching your children to complain, not take your concerns seriously and that you are going to go along with whatever. If they are girls you are giving them a large dose of what you really don't want their life to be like.
Get therapy for your self and your kids.