My mother died a month ago. My dad is 88. We live in the same town 10 minutes away from one another. He has his own home. He doesn’t want to be in an empty house at night and doesn’t want to wake up alone. He is physically and mentally capable of living alone. He asked if he could stay for a couple of week’s at my house in the evenings. He goes home during the day and comes back in the late afternoons. He stays with us all weekend 24/7. He has been sweet but with this coming and going he forgets his meds and other things. My husband and I have no time alone. How do I set boundaries? I’m am looking for kind words to tell him to try to stay by himself. Is it time or should I give him more time? My fear is he is getting too accustomed to this arrangement. He is wanting to take time to make a decision about going to an independent living place where he would be around people. He would still have late evenings and early mornings alone.
When Mom became ill in her early 80’s I was living in another state and Dad had been gone for several years. Her younger sister (also a widow) lived about 20 minutes away. For almost 2 years my aunt came from Monday at lunch time and stayed until after lunch on Friday. I came Saturday and stayed until Sunday evening. I did all her shopping, paid her bills, fixed her medications and took time off to take her to medical appointments. My aunt was her companion and they went out for walks in the good weather or went to the nearby towns that had larger stores or a mall they could wander through. It was a tough couple of years for my family with a teenage son and a husband who worked nights and was in the Army Reserve but we made it work.
Just take some time and figure out what will work for you and what will help your father adjust to his new normal.
I suspect that, after a day of engaging with peers and forming friendships, there would be a much more positive period of reflection before bedtime each night.
Take the first steps for him and set up a couple of tours. Then, do the planning for the move. It will probably be hard for him to overcome the inertia of loneliness.
Good luck! There are better days ahead for him and for you.
My dad did absolutely nothing for himself. My mom spoiled him rotten. Plus she took care of all the bills. He would have been horribly lonely without her.
I think he would be a perfect candidate for independent or assisted living. Can you get a professional assessment from his doctor or nurse how he can fare in an independent living or assisted living community?
If you get the green light, show him activities that are available there. Tell him if he chooses to participate that he can. Hopefully he will form meaningful friendships that understand his grief. I bet he would because many people end up in a facility due to loss of their mate.
Is he really able to care for himself?
Does he take his meds without prompting?
Did he do any housework or cooking?
I ask because his generation the men were typically the breadwinners and the women were the housekeepers. Leaving widowed men looking to a female family member to fill in the blanks left by the wife's passing.
He may be better served in an assisted living environment, they will cook, clean, do laundry, manage his meds and there are tons of activities at some.
It would also cut out one move as he ages.
I still don't know why seniors have such a hard time accepting help, personally I would love to have a cook, housekeeper, someone to do all the mundane aspects of life.
I hope you find the perfect place to meet his needs and give him a support system out his front door.
Hugs, this will get straightened out.
Men do take a loss of a wife harder than women take losing a husband. You say he is good physically and mentally, he could live another 10 yrs. Give him a little longer and approach the subject of independent living. They cost a little more than an apartment. My SILs mother gets meals, activities and transportation. So, yes he would wake up alone but he would have people to enjoy breakfast with. Up until bed, he could enjoy visiting in the common area.
We tried gentle, watchful waiting, without defining what would happen next, and although LO did well at my home,in mycare, the degree of actual care was quite a lot, and she liked it. Because of situations beyond my control, she had to go home with a sleep in aide, and was never able to do as well as she had before her “visit” with me.
Since Dad is part of the discussion I think MY comfort level would be to continue the visitor status at least a little longer, with ample discussion about IL or maybe even AL, where, at least where my LO lives, there are more ample opportunities for social contact when it’s wanted.
Hard times for you and him. It actually may be essier for him to be in new surroundings, where he wouldn’t find his loss mirrored by yours
Hope that a solution emerges that can prove comfortable for all of you. Remember, there are often no “good” solutions in situations like this, so your job becomes making the best choice among a bunch of less than good ones.
Hopes and positive thoughts.
Your dad is grieving. He is reaching out to familiar people for the comfort of being with someone, though he may not express it in so many words.
He very much may still be in 'shock' and thus, the forgetting of meds and other things other than putting one foot in front of the other.
At 88... this is a H. U. G. E. change for him. ( Underline and star!) Generally, males don't do very well after their wife dies, even if she was sick and death was expected. Staying by himself would be torture. He is reminded of her wherever he looks at home. (Yes, there are exceptions.) Try to be patient with him.
Are you dad's power of attorney?
Is there a plan to downsize the things in his house?
Does he still drive? (Is that safe?)
Is there anyone else that he knows to do things/ outings with?
Is there health issues that may affect where he moves to? (Assisted living or is more care needed?)
Most places need proof of being able to pay for a year or more (depending on the place) before accepting other forms of payment aid (Social Security, VA benefits, Medicaid, etc...) which selling the house should take care of, hopefully.
This is a new time of life in which he needs you more than ever. It is challenging! It may somewhat end when he moves into a place of his own with lots of things to do and people to talk to, but expect him to still depend on you for emotional support.
You can make goals with him... and encourage him... but he may grieve for years... as grief has its own time table. (Hopefully not, but expect it nonetheless.)
Wishing you the best ~
I think it's a matter of getting this in the right order: you want him to move on to a new way of life (pull) rather than having to be weaned off family (push).
Is he spending his days at home on his own?
As he is open to the idea of moving to a community, perhaps that's the place to start. See what is available, and if there are activities he can join in, or trial stays: anything that might introduce him to the positives of being in company again, outside the family.
As an interim measure, could you tell him that you and your husband are taking a mini-break and will be away for the weekend? Ideally this would be true! - and then you get a nice couple of days away, too.
One more suggestion then I'll stop: what about if you and your husband go to his home for dinner once a week or so? Doesn't have to be anything fancy, you could even take the food with you; but I should imagine that one thing he finds difficult is how empty his house is without your mother. Peopling it in the evenings might improve that.
No friends or neighbours nearby, nobody calling on him?