My father is 83 years old and lives alone (about 100 miles away from me). My 3 brothers live within a few miles of him. Within the past four years we have noticed he has been slipping a little mentally – mostly forgetting small things like names, appointments, etc. Not nearly severe enough that he needs supervision, but his forgetfulness is becoming more frequent. He lives in a rural farming community. Our concern lies mostly with the relationships he has with some of his neighbors (all women, 20 to 40 years younger than him). These women are married but have an inappropriate interest in our father. One in particular brings him meals frequently, calls him constantly, stops by his house often, and overall acts like she cares about him as a friend. However, I have recently learned that over the years my father paid for her new well, new flooring, fees for horse shows her daughter enters, and several other things. The most recent incident that has put us all over the top involves this neighbor’s daughter. She talked our father into allowing Rainbow Company to demonstrate their vacuum in his home. He agreed to it, watched the demonstration, and then bought a $3,000 vacuum he does not need or want (his words). And in doing so, the daughter received her vacuum free because my father bought one (yes, I have contacted Rainbow and lodged a complaint). Regarding the other women, he has fixed numerous things in their homes (at his expense), bought one of them a Bose radio, bought another a plane ticket so she could visit her sister, repaired their cars, and the list goes on and on. We have all expressed our concerns with our father about him being taken advantage of by these women. He kind of brushes it off and changes the subject (I think because he is embarrassed). My dad is very intelligent and has lots of good friends and family. However, he is very naive when it comes to these women and their true intentions. The women all live in close proximity to each other and my father. The women don’t get along with each other, but they all have an inappropriate interest in my father. My brothers and I strongly believe these women have befriended him to get as much out of him financially as possible, and it’s working. I am joint on his checking account and recently discovered he is writing several checks totaling approximately $800 each month to charities, political organizations, and any organization that sends him junk mail requesting money. My brothers and I are sickened about how much he is throwing away on these women and on money-grubbing organizations. None of us have ever asked for or expected as much as a penny from our father. We are only interested in his wellbeing. But his slightly increased forgetfulness and recent health issues have us very concerned that things could quickly get out of control. My father recently appointed me as his Power of Attorney (medical POA too). However, there is nothing legally my brothers or I can do to stop his financial recklessness. We believe our best option at this point is to confront the women who are taking advantage of him. But how, since he technically is giving them everything voluntarily? He is being manipulated by them and cannot see it because he thinks they truly care about him. I know this is incredibly long, and I will be amazed if anyone actually takes the time to read my entire post. But if you did, thank you! I welcome any sound advice you can offer.
Does your father have a significant estate/trust? If so, do these golddiggers know about it?
I'd let your father know that if he runs out of money (again, I don't know his financial situation), that YOU won't be the one to bail him out OR be the one that becomes his 24/7/365 caregiving slave.
Your POA is not active until he is not competent. If it is active then you can do a bit more.
"Slipping a little".. forgetting names and appointments is not a "little" and this is what you notice I am sure there is a lot more going on than you realize.
But..playing the devil's advocate here. It sounds like these women neighbors pay more attention to your dad than your brothers do or you. (yes I realize that you are further away)
Bringing meals, checking in on him making sure he is alright, giving a call to him daily I do not see as "inappropriate" interest. (my neighbor and I text each other daily, just so the other knows we are both alive! I invite her to dinner pretty often and I have brought her meals.)
You do not "confront" the women this is something you need to discuss with your dad. If you think he is cognitively compromised and his doctor agrees then you can assume your role as POA and take over financial aspects. BUT this also means that he may no longer be safe to live alone in his home. Now you have to deal with hiring caregivers. (probably more expensive than the things he is doing for his neighbors) Or selling the house and dad moves in with you or one of your brothers, or a move to Assisted Living or Memory Care. (Assisted Living he could sign out and leave when he wished, memory Care would be a locked unit) (And either MC or AL would be more expensive than what he is doing for neighbors.)
but the spending that he does would be curtailed because you would have control over the finances.
Please have your Dad tested. Make up a therapeutic fib to get him there and then discretely ask the staff to perform the cognitive exam because you've found signs that are worrisome. They'll be glad to do it. That's how I got my MIL diagnosed.
But today you should tell your Dad that because of "mailbox thefts" you're going to set up online banking for him. Then move the bulk of his money out of his checking and into a new saving account. Get him a new, very low balance credit card and one that doesn't get accepted at places very often (like AmEx). Get an Identity Theft package for him (like LifeLock). Gather all his sensitive paperwork, take pics of it so you know what he has, and put it in a locked fireproof safe and keep one of the keys. Get a password keeper and make online access for all his assets. Lock up his house title, car title, passport, and take a pic of his driver's license, vehicle VIN numbers. Check his accounts regularly. If he has online access...yikes...this is wherer the really professionals can suck him dry.
When I checked my MIL's checking account, she had over $900 in overdrafts. She had dozens of boxes of checkbooks because she kept misplacing them and reordering them.
Please get control of his assets since this is in his best interest, even though your PoA may technically not be active. Dementia robs a person's abilities of reason and logic bit by bit. It doesn't necessarily show up in the dementia test because they are looking for specific signs (memory, and drawing the clock face/time) but losing good judgement is definitely a symptom.
"My dad is very intelligent and has lots of good friends and family. However, he is very naive when it comes to these women and their true intentions."
No. He has the beginnings of dementia and it doesn't matter what anyone's IQ was during their life. Dementia is an equalizer. He's not naive, he's losing his ability to judge situations and people and is therefore less able to protect himself. This is why you need to start stepping in and being a "watchman". Dementia occurs on a slow, slide downward so at first you don't even realize it's happening and then all of a sudden a crisis occurs and its as if he had a fender bender that you're looking at (it's not that bad, right?) but then when you turn and look back you see car parts and skid marks that lead up to it. It was worse than you thought and there were signs of imminent problems.
"Soft theft" (like what his neighbor ladies are doing to him) is a crime of opportunity and there won't be any getting back of that money and no consequences for them in court. FYI the Rainbow Company should not be dragged into court because they have no way of judging if someone is "vulnerable". It would be illegal for them to turn down a customer as this would be "discrimination". It's the woman who is the thief, not the company. But I would return the vacuum and make a stink if they don't accept it back and tell them you'll give them a terrible online review.
Lock up his essentials right now: checkbooks, valuables in his home, prescription meds, etc. Make sure you go his banks with him and go through their PoA protocol. Bring your PoA paperwork to his doctors and clinics so they have it on file. You won't regret it
I suggest that if Dementia is found, Dad be moved to where he can take advantage of resources available to him. I too wonder why you were assigned POA and not one of ur brothers who live closer. He will not be able to live alone. Even in early stages they lose the ability to reason and be reasoned with. Short-term memory is the first thing to go. Dementia is very unpredictable. One day they seem good the next day not so much. Its 24/7 care.
I would not say anything to the women until you find he has Dementia and you can take over his bank acct. I would then tell them that you now have control of his finances and because of that Dad will no longer be able to help them as he has been.
Medicaid for Long-term care, in most states, has a 5 year look back. This means that the money he has "gifted" these women can cause a penalty. The penalty is determined by how much money is involved. If he needs 24/7 care then someone pays for his care during the penalty period or they do the caring until the penalty period is up.
I think older people need more "feel good" activities; I see this in myself as I age.
I do have a question though: can your father actually write well enough to prepare the checks? If not, this is an opening for you.
What I did was sit down with my parent, go over the amounts donated to charity (exploitive women weren't involved though), then I looked up all the charities and told him how much the execs were being paid. He was appalled. He agreed that he would donate to specific legitimate charities, but none in which the execs were making more than $100K annually (actually a low threshold for execs).
This may not apply to your father, but it also became difficult to write checks that were legible (I'm seeing this myself as I age), I volunteered to pay the bills and make the donations, and that worked wonders for both of us.
We also made an event of it, going for rides and/or stopping at the Dairy Queen (a favorite!) to cap off the check writing decision event.
With your father and the local women, this of course is a different situation. I guess I have a different perspective as well b/c I don't see 100 miles as being so far that you couldn't visit him regularly, or on weekends. I drove over 100 miles regularly when my father was in rehab, so to me it's no big deal.
Perhaps if you or your brothers became more active in his life you could make check paying and donations an event, followed or preceded by a meal, some event he would enjoy, or just walking or driving around the neighborhood. The goal is to build up enough bonding that he looks forward to their visits, bonds, and lets them take over the donation functions as part of those visits.
But there's another aspect, and that's that the women exploit his goodness. So, turn that around. Make a list of not particularly pleasant chores they could do for him, such as cleaning bathrooms, driving him to and from medical appointments, etc. Try to create schedules, with chores for which they could volunteer.
Then mail or e-mail them and tell them that you're aware they've been beneficiaries of your father's generosity, and given that he's in need of some assistance, you feel it appropriate that they reciprocate his kindness, adding that he's literally already paid for their help.
I would even create a schedule, and ask them to complete it with the chores they can do, IN EXCHANGE for all the assistance he's provided them.
You and your brothers will have to get more involved though, and make it clear to these people that you will continue to be involved.
This could be tricky: you might also consider contacting the husbands and find a way to plant the seeds of their becoming too reliant on your father, and that you don't think this is appropriate. I.e., plant some hints that the husbands should get involved and corral their wives to spend more time with their own families.
This may not work. If it doesn't, and if I were in your place, I would then either do it myself or hire an attorney to send them a nice letter raising the concern about exploiting a vulnerable adult. State laws on that could be included.
And you can research your state's elder care programs to see what they offer, including finding citations on elder exploitation.
I like to take the approach of softness first, then slam someone with legal actions if that doesn't work.
I would even create a schedule, and ask them to complete it with the chores they can do, IN EXCHANGE for all the assistance he's provided them.'
I see your point, but I have mixed feelings about this - on the one hand, they might move away from him once people raise the issue of a '2 way street'. But on the other hand, the more you have to do with some people, the more you lose, and the greater their sense of entitlement
I've seen this sort of thing happen many times with old seniors. Especially men. Scheming women bringing by a hot meal and not out of the goodness of their hearts or for the sake of being neighborly. Then they start staying for coffee and conversation around the kitchen table. The mark is established and the scam commences.
Your father is lonely and that's why he's shelling out all this money. These women are despicable hustlers and scammers, but they're nice to him. They're company for him.
The good friends and family need to start putting in more time at the farm to make sure father isn't literally giving away the farm because some 40-year old country hoochie in Daisy Dukes and a halter top shows up with a fresh-baked pie.
Don't only be interested in his well-being. Be interested in the money too because it's just as important. They money is what will make the difference in your father getting good care when he needs it, or getting sub-par care because he can't afford it.
Get the money and assets tied up. This is started by someone getting POA. Get to it before Aunt Bea or Daisy Duke or any other hoochie of the county does.
Then you visit, not alone, each one's home, homestead, farm, cabin, or trailer. You make your point plainly so that you are understood. If there is one more dollar accepted from your father, you will unleash upon them a legal hell of biblical proportions. You will show them no mercy whatsoever and will see them in jail for elder abuse if they ask for or accept another cent from your father.
Go get the POA. Then tell all the good family and friends what's going on. Let them know that all of them need to start visiting the farm frequently. If they're unable, then they need to be calling daily and checking up on your father.
Loneliness is a terrible thing and many old folks will give away everything they have to someone who visits them and is nice to them. Don't let this happen anymore.
1. Get your dad to an eldercare attorney and tell her/him how much dad has been taken for. Listen to the advice you're given.
2. Find your closest university hospital and call the geriatrics unit
Ask about how to get a comprehensive cognitive assessment.
It is likely that after this assessment, dad won't be allowed to assign POA, so get him to the lawyer first.
You should also talk to the local police and ask their opinion on the subject. Alert them that a vulnerable adult lives in your dad's house and that you think there's some inappropriate stuff going on. The more people who know about it, the better.
You might also get two-signature requirements set up on his checking account, so he can't write one on his own. Time to start working with his bank on this -- I hope he uses a smallish bank that actually knows him and cares about his well-being.
It sucks but you have to protect him from himself.
My dad had the same problem. Random people were given money. Lots of checks written each month.
The problem is your dad is lonely and these women are targeting him. It is time your brothers step up, or he move closer to someone or in with someone. Now. You all must insist. Not have him say he is fine. It is time. That is to old to be living alone. If the women are targeting him, its not long before people come to break in and steal him blind. They could already be selling his furniture, looking for stocks, banking info. You don't have a clue.
You also have to watch scammers by internet and phone. My dad was targeted by a Jamaican man or group. They would call 5:30 to 12 at night. My sister and mom said stop calling. That didn't stop them. Mom had to turn the ringer down so he couldn't hear it. My mom worked, and my dad was home alone. That did not stop them.
Your dad is a sitting duck for scammers and worse. He's already being ripped off. That money could be used for his future care or to pay medical bills.
Its time to get your brothers and you on the same page. That is to old to be alone.
What if he falls? Who is going to see if he is ok? How many hours or days will he be on the floor alone? What if he can't get to a phone? What if he falls in the tub, or down the stairs?
You need to get a handle on things They could also be going through his things while he is not looking. Have 1 person distract him. Has anyone checked the house to see if anything is missing?
These people know exactly what they are doing. They don't feel guilty at all. They feel entitled. They are only going to get bolder and bolder. Maybe even helping him write checks. Or telling him they are family. I'd take the 1 lady to small claims court and make her pay for that vacuum. Embarrass her publicly.
You need to get a relative living with him, or him moved out. But someone has to be there after he moves out, bc they will break into the place and steal it blind. I know from experience. My grandmother was gone from her house and they stole everything including appliances.
Get cameras on the place, so you can monitor who is there.
You need to get a handle on this before they get credit cards in their name, or have him take out a home equity loan for them, steal the deed, wipe out his bank accounts and steal his belongings in the house.
He does not have good judgement if he is giving large amounts of money away. That is a huge red flag!!!
This is an emergency! You may have to consult a lawyer to get him declared incompetent. You can't just talk to him and let him tell you, I'm not moving, I'm fine. He is not fine.
It is elder abuse.
https://betterhealthwhileaging.net/financial-abuse-what-to-know/
You need to do something now. How would you feel I'd they moved in with him? Or he handed over the deed?
You can't just pretend things are fine. You need to act right now.
Contact law enforcement. This is especially important if you suspect fraud, theft, scams, or other criminal activity. Your local police department or sheriff's office is generally a good place to start.
i would have a conversation with the women…one way or another, preferably in a letter… let them know you will call APS on next venture paid for. If you are not too concerned about how dad would react to a certified letter telling the women to stop, ( because you can bet they will show him) The certified letter would be best as it gives you a clear record of it, if you need it. Plus it should grab their attention more than a conversation.
It may make him feel happy to contribute to some of these organizations and help some of these people who seem like strangers to you, but may be very present and appreciated in his life.
You message says you haven’t asked and don’t expect a penny from your father, so there should be no problem.
(I will be very angry if my kids ever try to block me from making donations to charity or giving any kind of gifts to anyone I choose.
As a matter of fact, that kind of feedback from my kids would cause me to divert my estate completely away from them!)
Best wishes ~
Have your father tested for dementia. Once it’s determined he is slipping, a Drs letter saying that your father is not mentally capable of handling finances. You gotta start somewhere. These women are bleeding him dry.
As POA, I would contact his Soc Sec to become the payee for him. His s checks will have both your names on it. Put your name on all his accts. POA will allow you to include your name on even his IRA if he has one. POA should look you to put your name on the house or any properties he owns.
YOU take over paying all his bills and handling money. You could give him a nominal sum ($50-100) per month for pocket money. Take his credit cards, debit cards and checkbook. Everything is paid thru you. Then let these women approach him…he can tell them to contact you…then I’m sure these women will soon fade away.
Your father will fight and be mad. That’s fine, let him. First it has to be proven he can no longer handle his money. That’s where you need a medical assessment to move forward. Once that assessment shows his faculties are diminished, that’s all you need to take over finances. It’s sad, and I know you don’t want that for your Dad, but you sure don’t want strangers taking advantage of him.
Also, if he has friends that you know and trust, tell them about these women, spread it around town these women are talking advantage and it will stop very soon. Let it be known you have full POA and all financial matters are being handled by you.
I know this is time consuming, but if you could round up bank records and receipts showing what your father has paid and to whom, it would also help in the dementia assessment. If he barely knows these women, he has no business buying them plane tickets or footing the bill for any if there life. Also, by having the records of all this, you could notify these women you know what your Dad has given them and it will stop or you will file a lawsuit. That should scare them away.
Your Dad will be upset at first, sorry to say if it’s dementia, he won’t be upset for long, because he will forget it all. And he will forget you are in charge of finances. He won’t even question how or what gets paid…all that won’t even enter his mind.
Take control for your fathers sake.
The family got legal advice and proceeded to lockdown every account and credit card verification processes. In the end, she got a Mercedes...........nothing else.
Please make an appointment with an Estate Planning Lawyer and an Elder Law Attorney.
* Her husband was well aware of the situation and wholeheartedly supported the effort.
. Also talk with his doctor[s] to determine if he has any physical issues that needs to attention.
if he does not have a trust, it may be recommended. At his age you should encourage him to “get his affairs in order” so that you will know all his wishes of where he wants his assets to go. This will involve him and avoid you having to make those decisions. You mentioned he was pleased with how you handled your mother’s affairs, so hopefully he will be pleased you are trying to be proactive with his affairs.
We did all this for the whole purpose you are talking about. To spare our sons from worrying how they will pay for our care later if necessary and protect us from scammers. Our attorney helped us set everything up to make it easier to go through probate and allow us to preplan what happens no matter who goes first… the second one won’t be homeless or scammed. Less probate fees and taxes too.
It's appalling that your father is being swindled by unscrupulous, married women. No wonder that they don't like each other as jealously reins there. Speak to an elder law attorney to see what recourse you possibly have.
In addition to the accused impropriety, you also describe acts of kindness, such as bringing by home cooked meals, which you then suggest could be inappropriate because the women are married.
Have you ever made dinner for a friend or community member? If so, was it because if Ill intent (contrary to your marriage vows)?
Have you considered that they might actually care about your father without wanting his money? (This is where they might be even better than some family members).
Perhaps your dad feels indebted to the valuable work and scientific advancement funded by some of these charities.
Is it possible you don’t understand all the issues? If the well that your dad paid for was on adjacent neighboring land, there could have been some other shared business or environmental interest or benefit to your dad or your family property. (A well can be a significant legal liability, so if your dad derived some shared use with only up-front drilling costs, this could have been a wise business decision.)
You describe your dad as intelligent and competent with only mild forgetfulness. Give him respect (and a little privacy) to make his own choices while he has his faculties. He chose you to be POA because he saw this capability in you.
If you were looking at my finances, you might be horrified to see that I support charities, donate to relief funds, spend money on gifts, enjoy regular trips to Starbucks and splurge too much on clothing.
If your dad was scrutinizing and combing through your credit card bills. What would he find?
You mentioned he has good friends, are they close by, perhaps they can talk with him?