(grocery shopping for the elderly is a fu**king pain in the @ss, end rant). Howdy :) I wrote before how I'm the main caretaker of my 84 yr old grand dad with mild dementia. He lives by himself in a senior building, but its not an assisted living facility so he gets no help. (but they do provide the shuttle busses service to the grocery store, but he refuses to use it because he has the patience of a fly,and will bark, yell & complain). Like I'm sure many of you experience, grocery shopping as a caretaker is a total pain in the @ss. Crazy as this sounds, granddad still drives himself to the grocery store, with a neighbor in the car for safety (he shouldnt, I know). But shopping with him is a nightmare, so I'm glad I dont have to go most times. I just pray he makes it home safe. But he's getting too old & weak to go shopping. But 80% of the time he doesnt need the bull he thinks he so desperately needs, so its annoying. I just hired a home health aide but I'm unsure if she even has a drivers license (she works 3 days a week). Granddad acts like a spoiled toddler and constantly insists he needs 1000 things from the store all the time, but I hate taking him shopping because he's too slow & complains,complains, complains. He complains about where I park, complains that we didnt go early enough, etc...Also, although I drive very well and I'd be happy to go by myself, he actually complains when I drive myself to get his groceries (in his car, my car broke down). Instread of being thankful that someone is doing him a favor, he acts like an ungrateful jerk. So I no longer want to take him shopping, or go by myself because he acts like such an as^ about it. I dont know if the aide has her license (I forgot to ask her before I hired her). I could send her to the store by herself I guess.There's a neighbor I could pay about $50 a month to go, but I'm unsure what to do. How do you all handle the shopping??, and how do you handle your loved one when they make endless demands for stupid items they probably dont even need???)
and thanks for the welcome. And a blanket fort sounds nice.
Ya know, I think probably most of us caretakers are all the "good ones/good kids/nice guys" who strangely got stuck with obnoxious (sometimes impossible) parents/grandparents/aunts/uncles :)
RainMom: sorry about your Mom. Wow. Thank you so much for sharing with me!
It's been suggested if you are in too much stress, build yourself a blanket fort in your livingroom, and bring out the coloring books. I noticed that Sheldon, on the Big Bang Theory, enjoyed his blanket fort :)
Sometimes someone will mention "leaning their ears back". Just visualize an animal who is upset with their ears facing backwards and their teeth showing in a growl. How many times we all have felt like doing that.
Sounds like you need a helmet when you take Grand-Dad shopping !!
Yeah, I TOTALLY relate to why that was The Day you hired an Aide. I also hired an Aide a few weeks after granddads Walmart Meltdown, but mainly after realizing that going to visit him weekly was actually making me depressed (and anxious). I would literally feel depressed as I was walking out the door to go visit him. And I'd feel anxious & nervous because I'd never know if he'd be in a good mood,or scream at me for something petty.... Anyway, your Mom was manipulative with the Depends. Its like, she "understood" what not having them would mean, because she knew she'd have to use napkins/rags, so clearly she has decent reasoning ability (at times I guess). And yeah, like I say, their entitlement over wanting extra special treatment is just awful. I 100% support you getting an Aide for her.
SO RainMom let me ASK you (heck, I might as well), Now that you have an Aide for her, is she doing the whole "where are you? why didnt you visit me this week?": thing. My Aide is brand new (its only been 3 weeks), But the Aide called me, sounding all sad, saying "He misses you, he keeps asking for you". Like, he actually has HER feeling SORRY for HIM!! & has her thinking that I'M the distant grandchild who doesnt visit or help him! Are you KIDDING Me!!?? I was his personal slave for over a year!. No, I will NOT be visiting you that much any more since she's here to pull some weight, sorry. I need a break.
ZYTrhr: Yeah, the shuttle would be a LAST resort, he has NO patience and I'm 90% sure he'd verbally abuse the Bus Driver, sream & yell at him for simpply doing his job. My GrandDad thinks that waiting 5 minutes is waiting 5 hours, he explodes and goes into tirades if he has to "wait". Honestly I even feel bad forcing the Aide to get on the Shuttle Bus with him; his constant Complaining & Waiting would be a form of torture for her. I actaully want my Aide to be treated nicely and I told her to INFORM me if he EVER treats her rudely, it will NOT be tolerated; I rarely raise my voice but I will definitely give him an ear-full if he dares to be rude to her. But luckily she's kinda attractive so he's being NICE & Flirty to her beause his old "ladies man" mannerisms are kickin in when she comes around (Oy!)
I KNOW his brain is "broken", but I guess the strange position we're in is: they're like 50-60-70% mentally able to understand/talk/engage/respond, so you feel like you're dealing with a normal person, but that extra 30% thats 'broken" kicks in.
You're lucky. Peapod is not offered in the Cleveland area yet. Giant Eagle Curbside and one other store are the only only grocery shopping games in town.
JESSIEBELL lol at the smails on rice and her getting Mad about it!! (+_+)
And the "10 of Everything" thing is where we're at too. Grr
Peapod will have specials once in awhile while you can get free curbside pickup [usually in my area the cost is $2.95] or free home delivery [depends on how much one orders the delivery cost]. Peapod will once in awhile offer a list of free items to try out, you pick one item.
Peapod has pretty much everything offered in the local grocery store they partnered with.... thus a pretty large website... but one can narrow it down to your own shopping list of regular items to help speed up the "shopping". Each item is described plus all the labels on the product are posted, so you can see how much salt is in the product. One can also searched for "low salt" items, and other diet restriction items.
I can almost understand his apprehension about the shuttle. He could finish his trip before it would come back, hence he would be waiting, could be for a long time.
I'd known about it months ago!" At which point I drove home and began looking for my gun.
And if it isn't a UTI, maybe the doctor can prescribed Grand-Dad something to take the edge off. That is, if Grand-Dad will take his medicine.
Then I would need to put their groceries and my groceries into the trunk of their car, that wasn't easy, as I was in my 60's but my parents still viewed me as being in my 30's. Then I would unload their groceries and help Mom put away the items. Remember this was a full cart full. Then I would need to take my bags from their truck and put them into my vehicle, and unload those at my house. No wonder I needed a nap after each grocery trip !! I did this each week for a few years until I discovered on-line groceries.
WINDYRIDGE: Yes, I can no longer keep subjecting myself to this. Now that I hired an Aide, I'm trying to organize & sort out just how we';ll handle shopping. IF she has a license I'm just going to let her drive granddads car (she doesnt have a car). I hope she does, cause I REALLY like this Lady, she's one of the FEW people Granddad likes. (he treats her MUCH NICER than he treats me, which is fine, it makes my life 10 times easier).
FREGFLYER your trips sound almost worse than mine, I couldnyt imagine losing 2 parents in the store. Yes I see what you mean about the 'loss of independance' and why it makes them grumpy. Grr. ...Anyway I felt a chill when you said he soon wont be able to drive. Yeah, I need to organize this whole grocery shopping thing with the Aide.
GARDEN ARTIST : Yeah I actually agree with doing some shopping for him. I actually do know some of his Main Staples and I used to pick them them up in my spare time every few weeks & bring it to him. But thanks, beause you're right that I need to look in his fridge & cabinets to see a few additional staples, cause I notice he likes lots of milk & bread.
MsMadge: I totally relate to when your mom panicked while you went shopping. Thats one of the BIG problems I have, when I DO go shopping for him by myself, instead of just watching TV like he always does, he literally becomes HYSTERICAL, calling my cell phone, demanding I "hurry up", at times screamin & cussing at me when I arrive beause I "took too long".
First, make a list of what he typically buys; you should be familiar with the staples, so include them, as well as some things that he throws in as spur of the moment purchases. If the staples are on sale that week, add some to stock up, especially since winter is coming.
Remember that he probably can't think to organize such a list himself, nor would he. So take that process away from him. Writing a number for the amount of an item he wants if easier than thinking out what he needs.
Second, set rules, and stick to them. He can fill out the form by checking the item. You'll get that, but nothing more once you go to the store, ALONE. If he starts yelling, tell him you won't tolerate such rude behavior and hang up. And stick to it.
Even if he can't think clearly b/c of the dementia, you don't have to tolerate verbal abuse.
Third, perhaps buy him a few treats that he likes but didn't request. And, if over time, he behaves and complies, perhaps take him out once a month for his special trip, but don't let it become a habit again as it is now.
Fourth, when he asks for something in between grocery store trips, tell him, FIRMLY: "SORRY, but I only go once a week. Put if on next week's list". End of discussion.
Fifth, meds are a different story. Add them to your calendar, date of purchase, number of pills, and project out to a few weeks before the next refill is due. Then call in the refill, get it yourself and bring it to him.
Of the "I need it now" purchases, the meds are really the most important.
But one needs to stand in Grand-Dad's shoes for a moment. Imagine if you were no longer able to drive. You couldn't hop into your car at a moment's notice to run to the store. It's a terrible lost of independence for an elder. You would be grumpy, too. I realize your Grand-Dad still can drive, but that is going to fade away pretty soon.
Anytime I took my parents [who were in their 90's] to Target or to Wal-Mart, you'd think I was taking them to Disney World. They would spend a lot of time in the store, Mom would take her cart in one direction, and Dad would take his cart in another direction. I rarely bought anything for myself because I was helping reaching things for Mom that were on the top shelf or bottom shelf.....
Then came time to ring-out. But first I had to go look for Dad. I would place Mom on a store bench to wait while I looked for him, which meant numerous trips around the store. Ah, there he is, so I would bring him back to where I had left Mom. Ok, where is Mom? Apparently she got worried and went looking for Dad, too [oh great, Mom is legally blind]. So the search for one's parents is now in Part II, and sometimes Part III and Part IV.
Oh the exhaustion. Then Dad would say, lets go to Home Depot. Noooooo.
On-line grocery shopping was a Godsend for me. See if your area has Peapod. Or check the grocery ads, the store will advertise if they have such a service. There is curbside pickup and home delivery.
When that time comes I won't be able to get them to agree, I'll just have to set it in motion. Luckily I have control of the money so I can make it happen.
You may have a more pressing problem in ending grandpas driving. That's a whole nother battle......
May I suggest online grocery delivery?
I used to grocery shop for mom, dad, and myself and it was Exhausting to say the least. I had to stop taking mom because she would stare at a soup can forever, I took dad once and he was SO rude.
I took him to the diner once a week which he looked forward to getting out and going for a ride.
I never went to BBB with mom even THINKING about doing any of my own shopping there. I focused totally on her, what she was looking for and the like. It was exhausting. It was only once every two or three weeks (the other weeks we did haircut, going to the dry cleaners and other "errands" that yes, the facility could have taken her to. But she liked to do these things "privately".
If you are going to do the "helping out" thing, read about dementia and watch Teepa Snow videos. Understand about the fact that he brain is BROKEN and that it takes perhaps an infinite amount of patience to accompany a demented elder shopping.
Also, set some boundaries on his behavior. "Grandad; I have a new rule. No complaining while we're out shopping. Let's make this a pleasant time for the two of us to be together". "Ooops, no complaining Grandad!". Give it a try
Pushing a shopping cart is easier than using a walker
I used to take mom with me to the grocery store on Sunday evenings
She would usually have to pee a couple of times while there - I'd always say meet me in the produce section - she never did
I'd either be looking up and down one aisle or another for her or she'd wander outside looking for me or worst have me paged by a cashier like a lost child
Her last night at home I ran to the store for 30 minutes - she got scared and went outside and fell in the neighbors driveway
Caregiving especially for someone with dementia requires time and patience -
See if you can work together on a weekly list before going to the store - can you get some of the items without him going along?
You're right. I dont always look at him as someone with a damaged brain.
And yes the anaology of a spoiled toddler is correct. I was thinking that I'll need to have a "talk" with him and tell him that alot of these 'store visits' have to end. It's ridiculous.
Personally, I recommend option 1, but it takes time and patience to learn.
How would you handle a spoiled toddler who insists he needs thousands of things? Again, it is a matter of recognizing that granddad has a damaged brain and in some ways can't be expected to make his own buying decisions any better than a toddler could.
Have you considered stores that deliver? Sure cuts down on impulse buying!