My husband and I just sold our house and have bought a house down south, that has been our dream as soon as we both retired. My parents are in their early 80’s and I knew they were not happy about it. They have their health issues, but, I didn’t think anytime terminal. I told them we were not abandoning them, my brother lives across the street from them and we planned on coming home every 6-8 weeks to visit. Well my mom dropped a bombshell on us last week, she has a lump on her breast which she has been hiding for 2 months and only told us now because she has had back pain for a couple of weeks and had been resisting going to the drs. She goes for a biopsy tomorrow and next week we will find out how advanced the cancer is. She also said she didn’t tell us because we were moving and everything was in disarray. I feel so guilty about the whole thing. Now, it looks like my husband will be going south by himself for awhile and I will be staying here to help my mother. I can’t stop worrying and crying. I feel like this is such a bad dream.
Until your mom gets the results of her biopsy, you don't know if you are looking at a cancer diagnosis.
Has your mother been getting mammograms every year? If she stopped, was that because she had decided that even if she had breast cancer, she would opt for palliative care rather than treatment?
Don't get ahead of yourself. Take this one day at a time and stop the guilt! You've done nothing wrong.
That was over five years ago. My mother is now almost 91. The cancer never returned.
I hope, and pray, your mother’s breast lump, even if it does turn out to be cancer, will be as non-eventful. Try not to panic or worry too much until you find out the real situation, and then try to take any news with measured deliberation and evaluation of what needs, or should, be done. As bad as breast cancer can be for young women, in the elderly it isn’t always the sentence to a miserable series of treatments and/or death.
First, please try not to feel guilty. You did nothing wrong since you could never have known about your mom's health unless she told you -- and she chose not to. My mom does that same thing to me, even though I've talked to her a million times that it would be worse for both of us to find out about the issue later rather than sooner.
It is ok to grieve (which is maybe what you really feel, not guilt). It IS bombshell news and things are happening fast, no time to mentally and emotionally process things. You will need to "eat the elephant" one bite at a time so that you don't get overwhelmed. Please try not to worry about your mom's prognosis until you know actual facts from her doctors. Don't spend any energy worrying about something that hasn't happened yet -- it will drain you of important energy reserves you need for other pressing things. May you gain peace in your heart and wisdom in your decisions as you move through this time.
Your brother is across the street and your Dad can accompany your mom for the Treatments.
And who knows, a lump doesn't always mean it's cancer.
Also, there are Caregivers your mom can use.
Just wait and see.
Moms are special but so are husband's and your Dad is still alive and can be with mom and she's fortunate to have a son across the street.
Prayers
I was dxed by my PCP and out for a CT scan within 24 hrs. Only told DH. After we had all the tests and scans and whatnot, we then shared it with the kids.
They were remarkably calm and not a single tear was shed (in my presence, anyway).
I did 18 months of chemo, 6 of the 'rough stuff' and about a year of FU. Then I was DONE...I just couldn't see being sick 24/7 to buy a few more months of life being worth it.
Until you yourself have had cancer (and God forbid you do!) you cannot fathom the emotions you go through and how hard it is to create a support network of people.
Live your life. That's all I asked of my kiddoes. Just go do what you would have done anyway.
And actually--KNOWING was far better than laying in bed wondering and worrying.
I'm sure she was being honest when she said that she did not want to burden you with it in the midst of your moving chaos.
Since she is in her 80s, she may not want extremely aggressive treatment for breast cancer. It becomes a quality of life issue. But you won't know what you are dealing with until the tests come back.
Having moved down south will NOT change the outcome of your mother's cancer. If it turns out to be a wildly metastatic type, having it examined two months earlier would not have made any difference in the outcome. Please keep that in mind.
So, please calm down and look at the situation rationally, instead of emotionally.
Good luck to you and your mother.
It sounds more to me like you are feeling loss, loss of your vision of the next year (maybe causing the guilt), loss of your parents independence, maybe even loss of the life you have had even though you’ve been looking forward to the new chapter. By the time we get to retirement age we learn that things change and hopefully we learn to adapt. This is just a change of life and you need to find the best way to adapt and incorporate it into YOUR life. It sounds like you have been and have always planned to continue being very involved in your parents lives. It sounds like your brother is as well and the two of you are able to work together. Your retirement plans didn’t come as a surprise to him did they? He decided to live across the street from your parents? Staying until your moms diagnosis comes in makes sense and so does continuing with your move until her diagnosis is made and a plan, if any, for treatment is made. It up to you but I can tell you from experience while it isn’t easy, living at least 5 hrs away and still helping, being very involved in all the medical needs and issues as well as there in person when your really needed is possible. Lol when my mom had her stroke and then heard surgery I basically spent the summer at my brothers helping to care for her, my husband called it my summer home.
Hang in there and remember it doesn’t need to be all or nothing, each lane of your life will need to give a little but you can find your grove and maintain both your family life at home in the south and your family life there with your parents and brother. Don’t expect the worst just plan for it. Good luck, you’ve got this!
You have nothing to feel guilty about, first of all. Your mother chose not to tell you about her potential health situation, notice I said Potential, and did choose to tell you now that you let her know you're moving. Stop crying and worrying over something that may be nothing at all. Let the test results come in BEFORE you consider this situation to be a crisis, ok? And, even if mom does have cancer, many many MANY women do survive breast cancer.
Old age hits all of us, and we wind up dealing with all sorts of health issues. My DH is now facing a liver transplant after undergoing triple bypass surgery & lung surgery last October & November. I'm the one who took care of him then, and will take care of him after the transplant, so the only one of our 7 children who's been affected by his health crises has been my daughter who's an RN. And she's chosen to be by our side during his various surgeries b/c she is a cardiac RN with direct experience in the field. The rest of the children's lives haven't been affected at all by their dad's health issues, which is as it should be. Of course they call frequently & lend their supportive ears to both of us, but in the end, that's all they can and should do.
Please put this whole thing into perspective and try to calm down. You can definitely stay with your mom for a while, if need be, and your DH can go south alone to get things set up. But eventually, you'll join him to begin your retired lives together, one way or another.
Wishing you the best of luck with everything.
One day at a time and one moment at a time.
My mom is 74 - she is a 32 year breast cancer survivor and almost 3 year massive stroke survivor.
Your mom got scared - but she isn’t anymore and she is doing exactly what she should now with this next step …..go with that moving forward.
So much more is available and know for breast cancer now - just keep positive and know what ever happens “You will get through it as a family”.
It is so hard not to look and think ahead and the anxiety to take over when our loved ones get sick but you just pull yourself back into focus and manifest that this won’t be cancer and if it was then you take step 2.
kepping your mom in my prayers for tomorrow - 🙏🏼
See All Answers