My husband and I just sold our house and have bought a house down south, that has been our dream as soon as we both retired. My parents are in their early 80’s and I knew they were not happy about it. They have their health issues, but, I didn’t think anytime terminal. I told them we were not abandoning them, my brother lives across the street from them and we planned on coming home every 6-8 weeks to visit. Well my mom dropped a bombshell on us last week, she has a lump on her breast which she has been hiding for 2 months and only told us now because she has had back pain for a couple of weeks and had been resisting going to the drs. She goes for a biopsy tomorrow and next week we will find out how advanced the cancer is. She also said she didn’t tell us because we were moving and everything was in disarray. I feel so guilty about the whole thing. Now, it looks like my husband will be going south by himself for awhile and I will be staying here to help my mother. I can’t stop worrying and crying. I feel like this is such a bad dream.
Please find a counsellor in your new town to talk to about your concerns. You need to come to a place of peace before you can be an asset in this new health challenge.
Her back pain probably has nothing to do with the lump. I am 87 and have back pain all the time.
I will admit, I am somewhat of a rebel, I drove anyway.
If it is cancer, decisions will have to be made about post op treatment. IF it is cancer, and she decides for chemo, tell her that Boysenberry pie is easy to keep down. I had years of chemo, personally, if I am faced with that choice again, I may say, "I will try it, but if I get sick, I am out of here." I have permanent bad effects from chemo. I have led a full life and I will probably chose no chemo or radiation.
Don't feel guilty, or think you have to give up your retirement to take care of your mother. Your first responsibility is to your husband. All your anxiety will not make her well or save her life.. I was out of the hospital in 2 days, and I went back to work within two weeks. They did accommodate me at work. I would have gone crazy being at home believing I was going to die and leave one child at home. PLEASE, if it is cancer, don't tell her to "think positive". I hated those words.
You can message me anytime. Hang in there,
remember, your mother chose not to see a doctor or tell you immediately.
Do you actually READ what you write before posting it?
I truly think not.
"What happens now is her fault".
Cancer is nobody's "fault" and you should be ashamed of yourself to post such a statement.
Whether or not the mother was honest about it would not stop her having cancer. It could be that she didn't want to put the burden on Kiansl when she was in the process of moving.
I was dxed by my PCP and out for a CT scan within 24 hrs. Only told DH. After we had all the tests and scans and whatnot, we then shared it with the kids.
They were remarkably calm and not a single tear was shed (in my presence, anyway).
I did 18 months of chemo, 6 of the 'rough stuff' and about a year of FU. Then I was DONE...I just couldn't see being sick 24/7 to buy a few more months of life being worth it.
Until you yourself have had cancer (and God forbid you do!) you cannot fathom the emotions you go through and how hard it is to create a support network of people.
Live your life. That's all I asked of my kiddoes. Just go do what you would have done anyway.
And actually--KNOWING was far better than laying in bed wondering and worrying.
Then again in 2018, a colonoscopy resulted in removal of most of my colon due to cancer. I refused any chemo but took oral meds. I have my final things paid for and ready and my children and grand children know they are not to worry about taking care of me. They have their own lives to live and their own kids and grandkids to worry about. I didn't give birth to them to be my care givers. I took care of my mom until I could no longer lift her and now am doing the same with my husband.
I gave up a lot for my mom and almost cost me my marriage. Don't let that happen to you. Be there during the really bad times but, spend as much time as possible with your husband.
I pray the results on your mom will be benign also.
The thought of having cancer or actually having it is exactly what you said - a bad dream that you can't wake up from. I totally understand her not wanting to hear the words and you being fearful. Best wishes to all of you
Do not feel guilty. In many cases finding out early that one has cancer only tells you that you have had cancer for longer than you thought. If a cancer is aggressive, it doesn't really matter when you find it.
I always recommend Dr. Nortin Hadler's book, Rethinking Aging: Growing Old and Living Well in an Overtreated Society.
https://doctorskeptic.blogspot.com/2013/03/book-review-rethinking-aging-growing.html
Your brother is across the street and your Dad can accompany your mom for the Treatments.
And who knows, a lump doesn't always mean it's cancer.
Also, there are Caregivers your mom can use.
Just wait and see.
Moms are special but so are husband's and your Dad is still alive and can be with mom and she's fortunate to have a son across the street.
Prayers
It sounds more to me like you are feeling loss, loss of your vision of the next year (maybe causing the guilt), loss of your parents independence, maybe even loss of the life you have had even though you’ve been looking forward to the new chapter. By the time we get to retirement age we learn that things change and hopefully we learn to adapt. This is just a change of life and you need to find the best way to adapt and incorporate it into YOUR life. It sounds like you have been and have always planned to continue being very involved in your parents lives. It sounds like your brother is as well and the two of you are able to work together. Your retirement plans didn’t come as a surprise to him did they? He decided to live across the street from your parents? Staying until your moms diagnosis comes in makes sense and so does continuing with your move until her diagnosis is made and a plan, if any, for treatment is made. It up to you but I can tell you from experience while it isn’t easy, living at least 5 hrs away and still helping, being very involved in all the medical needs and issues as well as there in person when your really needed is possible. Lol when my mom had her stroke and then heard surgery I basically spent the summer at my brothers helping to care for her, my husband called it my summer home.
Hang in there and remember it doesn’t need to be all or nothing, each lane of your life will need to give a little but you can find your grove and maintain both your family life at home in the south and your family life there with your parents and brother. Don’t expect the worst just plan for it. Good luck, you’ve got this!
You are not your mother's doctor. Her treatment and prognosis do not depend upon you. If she had no childten, no husband, no help, she would still have a lump and perhaps have cancer and she would make arrangements for treatment (or not) on her own. If you want to be there for her appointments and/or treatment, you can be, but your being there will not make her cancer go away.
I'm sure she was being honest when she said that she did not want to burden you with it in the midst of your moving chaos.
Since she is in her 80s, she may not want extremely aggressive treatment for breast cancer. It becomes a quality of life issue. But you won't know what you are dealing with until the tests come back.
Having moved down south will NOT change the outcome of your mother's cancer. If it turns out to be a wildly metastatic type, having it examined two months earlier would not have made any difference in the outcome. Please keep that in mind.
So, please calm down and look at the situation rationally, instead of emotionally.
Good luck to you and your mother.
YOU did not hide the fact that there is a lump...
YOU did not hide the fact that you were buying a house and moving...I am sure you have talked about this for years.
YOU have made plans to come back and visit.
YOU have a brother that can help out.
Wait until you find out what the biopsy says.
Have you discussed with m om the possible outcomes and what SHE wants to do given the best scenario and the worst?
Have you talked to your brother about what he is willing to do to help out?
You all now play the "waiting game" and see what steps have to be taken next.
Yes it is stressful please do not feel guilty,.
If treatment is choses PLEASE go south to be with your husband when you can this is your dream, your life
And if I were your mom I would NOT want you to abandon your dream I have a close support system and I will manage. And knowing that you will be back to visit will give me something to look forward to.
Why should you feel guilty. Your Mom should have had that lump checked out as soon as she found it. Keeping you out of the loop until she got the results.
If this had been my MIL, it would have been intentional. She had already done something similar to my BIL. He couldn't go to her home in Fla for Christmas because of commitments with his job. So she told him she had breast cancer. SIL called me wanting to know why we didn't tell them. Because we didn't know and its probably not true. And it wasn't.
You have nothing to feel guilty about, first of all. Your mother chose not to tell you about her potential health situation, notice I said Potential, and did choose to tell you now that you let her know you're moving. Stop crying and worrying over something that may be nothing at all. Let the test results come in BEFORE you consider this situation to be a crisis, ok? And, even if mom does have cancer, many many MANY women do survive breast cancer.
Old age hits all of us, and we wind up dealing with all sorts of health issues. My DH is now facing a liver transplant after undergoing triple bypass surgery & lung surgery last October & November. I'm the one who took care of him then, and will take care of him after the transplant, so the only one of our 7 children who's been affected by his health crises has been my daughter who's an RN. And she's chosen to be by our side during his various surgeries b/c she is a cardiac RN with direct experience in the field. The rest of the children's lives haven't been affected at all by their dad's health issues, which is as it should be. Of course they call frequently & lend their supportive ears to both of us, but in the end, that's all they can and should do.
Please put this whole thing into perspective and try to calm down. You can definitely stay with your mom for a while, if need be, and your DH can go south alone to get things set up. But eventually, you'll join him to begin your retired lives together, one way or another.
Wishing you the best of luck with everything.
One day at a time and one moment at a time.
My mom is 74 - she is a 32 year breast cancer survivor and almost 3 year massive stroke survivor.
Your mom got scared - but she isn’t anymore and she is doing exactly what she should now with this next step …..go with that moving forward.
So much more is available and know for breast cancer now - just keep positive and know what ever happens “You will get through it as a family”.
It is so hard not to look and think ahead and the anxiety to take over when our loved ones get sick but you just pull yourself back into focus and manifest that this won’t be cancer and if it was then you take step 2.
kepping your mom in my prayers for tomorrow - 🙏🏼
That was over five years ago. My mother is now almost 91. The cancer never returned.
I hope, and pray, your mother’s breast lump, even if it does turn out to be cancer, will be as non-eventful. Try not to panic or worry too much until you find out the real situation, and then try to take any news with measured deliberation and evaluation of what needs, or should, be done. As bad as breast cancer can be for young women, in the elderly it isn’t always the sentence to a miserable series of treatments and/or death.
First, please try not to feel guilty. You did nothing wrong since you could never have known about your mom's health unless she told you -- and she chose not to. My mom does that same thing to me, even though I've talked to her a million times that it would be worse for both of us to find out about the issue later rather than sooner.
It is ok to grieve (which is maybe what you really feel, not guilt). It IS bombshell news and things are happening fast, no time to mentally and emotionally process things. You will need to "eat the elephant" one bite at a time so that you don't get overwhelmed. Please try not to worry about your mom's prognosis until you know actual facts from her doctors. Don't spend any energy worrying about something that hasn't happened yet -- it will drain you of important energy reserves you need for other pressing things. May you gain peace in your heart and wisdom in your decisions as you move through this time.
My sister told us she had cancer but concealed the level and complications until less than a year before she died. I learned more from her co-workers. She was a strong person and apparently was uncomfortable sharing her situation with us.
Think instead in terms of how each of you can move forward, and begin making plans. If the biopsy is positive, consider an appointment with the oncologist to be aware of and discuss the options. Locate a local Gilda's Club and meet others who are also dealing with cancer.
Also, you might want to check the CURE website for information on dealing with cancer:
https://www.curetoday.com/
There's no question that cancer is a nightmare materialized, and much more, so focus on that, and how you, your husband and parents can work together, especially given the geographic separation that now exists.