Elderly father is cared for by my sibling several hours away. I work FT and have children that reside in different states. I am not available to assist with his care on a regular basis. He is mentally intact and social but can no longer drive. My sibling is often upset and angry that I am not available to assist her. Approximately 1 year ago, I told my father and sibling to take my 1/2 of all estate money, house etc and use this money hire drivers, or caregivers in my absence.
Estate is divided equally between us.
It was well received until recently. Now they want to use my 1/2 to buy new home for them both live in together. Fine, as well, but now I’m expected to drive home on regular basis to do my share. My 1/2 now been used for a new house vs caregivers. Not sure how to address?
My Husband feels their decision to use my 1/2 money as they see fit, but need to abide by our agreement.
As for the family dynamics, unfortunately I don't think there are any easy answers there.
Your father may be mentally intact now, and I certainly hope he remains that way, but you and your sibling have no crystal ball as to his future health or needs. You both may be blindsided by what he ends up needing and your sibling may find he/she can not continue to care for him and need assisted living or skilled nursing. I would suggest you all consult an elder care attorney and put the brakes on buying a new home with your father's assets. You could be seriously complicating things while agreeing to fund a new home for your sibling with your father's assets.
But the sibling should be aware that care giving needs expand as the elder ages. And the sibling may end up needing outside help, or the father may need AL or a nursing home. Then the father's wealth is tied up in a piece of real estate that provides no liquidity for care. Sibling should be aware of the potential downside of the proposed arrangement before proceeding.
And you should reinforce that you cannot be available for hands on care in the future if things change or extra funds if they are needed for AL/nursing home.
But, you have agreed to give up your inheritance so she could get help. Did they need another house? I think you have done enough. Its not even logical to think that living as far away as you do, that you can help out.
You should do what you want. They have made their decision. They don’t get to decide for you. You should help when you want to help. Do it on your terms. You all have to think in terms of what is best for all of you. I personally don’t believe it’s in everyone’s best interest if it takes multiple family members have to take care of ONE elder.
Does your dad live with your sibling yet? This will only get worse down the road when they do live together if they aren't already.
If possible try to stop your sibling from using dad's proceeds from HIS home to purchase another home for the sibling to share. Your initial decision, that proceeds should go for his care in assisted living was the correct one imo. In fact I think you should talk to your father about this and encourage assisted living.
I gather from her posts that this agreement, put in writing, "freed" Dad to to use that money for his caregiving needs NOW. Some elderly parents need a nudge to let go of the idea of passing their money and possessions to their children. The OP was just trying to make up for the fact that she can't be with Dad regularly.
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I would make it very clear that dad can do whatever he wants and so can your sibling, as long as it doesn't include sucking you into their plans.
How convenient for your sibling to get everything dad has left in writing and then run off leaving you to deal with him.
I would be very clear that you WILL NOT be participating in this bad idea and that you are willing to go no contact if you are pushed and prodded in any attempt to manipulate you.
Can you have a private meeting with dad and encourage him to find and move into a retirement community? If he doesn't need much help and he is social, this would be a great way for him to have a life and let his adult children have their own lives. Hire an aid for the things he needs and let him do his thing with his peers in the community.
Make your mantras with your sibling "I can not possibly do that!" and "Not happening!"
Best of luck standing your ground no matter where they go to manipulate you. You are not obligated to support their bad choices.
Your husband is 100% spot on. He is obviously willing to support you, use it. If need be he can tell sibling to leave you be, there is an agreement and that is that.
Your father clearly has assets and money to pay for in-home services and transportation. That your sibling chooses to be his primary caregiver is exactly that: a choice. Your sister's choices do not obligate you to change your choices.
If your father chooses to buy a house with your sister, that's his choice. It's his money and he can spend it how he chooses. And again, his choice does not obligate you to change yours.
Regardless of the inheritance, your father needs to spend his money on caring for himself. He also needs to put his important paperwork together including Durable Power of Attorney both medical and financial in case he becomes unable to make his own decisions either temporarily or permanently.
Your sister's expectations are unrealistic. I suspect it comes from a place of her feeling burned out from caregiving. Perhaps she did not recognize how much caregiving your father actually needs. But her solution - to buy a house and live with him - will not work unless your father pays for lots of in-home help. His needs are only going to increase.
It sounds like sister is already burned out. Many a caretaker has good intentions until they realize they just aren’t able to provide the care on their own and that the price of care will exceed the elders savings.
Obviously if he needs care then it must be paid for and ALL of his money will need to be earmarked for that care and the portion spent needs to be well documented.
There is no need to be angry.
Your position on saying dad should pay for his own care is correct. I would stick with that. If she’s already made a mess of his finances, then the lawyer is even more important.
My aunt needed transportation at one point. Gogograndparent wasn't around then but it would have met her needs.
Time for a new agreement, in writing, and you do need to help with Dad, hands on, so you can understand the situation better. ( Suggest a specific time frame, like twice a year, so it can be planned for.)It's a lot of work dealing with all this. And it's no fun. For the sake of Dad, your sister, you and your family, get advice on how to best help your sister and not end up hating each other!!
Another old adage: Don't count your chickens before the eggs hatch. Dear Abby (or was it Ann Landers?) said it quite clearly; it's not your money until it is. A lot of us have already been where you are now and we are pulling for you!
His offer doesn't need to be in writing; it's not his Will but rather his father's Will.
And it's the sister who wants to change the arrangement and force poster into doing something he does not want to and cannot do. What exactly is poster to put in writing?
The father's money needs to spent on his care. I would not agree to buying a new house. Either the father agrees to hire outside help for himself in his own home or it's time to move to a senior community where he no longer needs to worry about things like meals, transportation, laundry, housekeeping, activities, etc.
When it became clear that my inlaws were starting to decline - falling, not getting outside, making poor decisions, fender benders, etc. - my husband and I had a family meeting with his brothers and their wives. Originally, my husband and I thought it would make sense to buy a big enough house for the 4 of us to have our own living quarters while sharing common areas. My brother told me my FIL would never respect our privacy. My inlaws ended up in independent living and my husband and I got a place nearby.
But getting back to choice. My husband and I *chose* to be on the front lines of caregiving for his parents. Their other sons live far away, have kids, travel a lot for work, etc etc. My husband and I accept that his brothers cannot be there on a regular basis. The only bone of contention between us and his brothers has been that they do not make a greater effort to visit my FIL (MIL deceased). One of them visits once maybe twice a year, and only when he can tack the visit onto the beginning or end of his business trip. And even he is starting to get better about calling his dad more often and being more present.
And as far as I am aware, my FIL's Will divides his estate equally amongst his children. And that is right and good. I think it's vulgar to talk about money and inheritance as if it's an entitlement. Your dad's Will is his business - not yours, and not your sister's. That said, you have every right to insist that your dad spend his money on his care needs.
Your sister is relying on him never needing Medicaid because he will get all the care he needs at their house. Somewhere, in the back of her mind, she knows that may be too much, so she wants you to provide care too.
I agree with many others that an elder law consult is needed. BEFORE they buy a house, it may be possible to reframe the approach. If your sister can qualify to buy the house on her own, perhaps your father can use the proceeds from his home sale to pay for rent, utilities, and care under a care agreement going forward. He can also use his money to pay for outside caregivers as needed.
Getting paid for PAST caregiving for which there was no caregiver agreement is not something I have heard anything good about.
All you can do is reiterate that you have agreed to give up your claim to an inheritance to your sister to recognize her care. Neither you nor your sister can predict if the inheritance is half a house or half a pocket watch right now.
I can agree that it might be nice if you could do a bit of symbolic caregiving in the meantime. Give your sister a little time out of the house when you visit. Maybe do something from a distance like see if the family would like a batch of groceries and something for dinner delivered from Costco if they like that kind of thing.