Recently a relative notified me that they would be stopping for 2 days in our town on their way to a 10 day cruise. They would be visiting with my mom and asked how they could "lighten my load" as I am her soul caregiver ( she is still managing at her home but needs ++ assistance and treats me like her personal doormat/slave.) I found this so insulting... like it was appeasing their guilt because they were offering help on their terms and only because they were passing by. It so happens that over that time frame, I am seeing a specialist for a biopsy to determine if I have cancer. No one but my husband knows this. These relatives think they are being very magnimonius and will go off on their holiday feeling like they have done their good deed. I am so done with everyone I just don't how to handle this...
I think it was nice of your relative to ask you how they can lighten your load, personally. I've never, ever had a relative ask me any such thing, in passing or not. Nobody really cares WHAT we're going through with our loved ones, it seems to me, so having that question asked was an effort on your relative's part to do SOMETHING, albeit something small. She didn't have to offer anything at all, and could have passed through your area without saying a word.
Try to take the question in the spirit it was offered: likely with love. Is it enough? Of course not. But it's something, which is better than nothing. You can tell her you don't need anything, thank you. Or you can tell her you'd love to have the entire afternoon off to go see a movie, have a mani/pedi and lunch, and she can take over the care and handling of your mother.
Again, wishing you the best of luck with everything on your plate.
When I read your post, I thought how thoughtful that was of them to not only want to visit but to specifically ask how they could help. If they're not in your area on a regular basis, to me that's even more generous.
Obviously you're concerned and anxious about the biopsy; who wouldn't be? The relatives don't know and can't know what frame of mind you're in.
They could just bypass you and your mother entirely.
I think the basic issue is whether you want to avail yourself of their offer, whether or not you find it disingenuous. I would take it; even a few days would have given me some relief.
To me, it's not other people's responsibility to help care for my parents. Even other siblings don't have a duty to provide hands on care for a senior who is ailing or infirmed. I've never had any offers of help and would be shocked if I did. I chose to be the caregiver for my LO (who is my cousin), because, she had appointed me in all her documents and there was no one else. But, it was my choice.
I don't know if the relative was serious about helping, but, you could take her up on it, and ask if she would pick up lunch and bring it with her when they come to visit or ask if they can take your mother out for dinner, so you can relax....whatever your mother can accommodate. I suppose that taking mom with them on the cruise would be out of the question. lol
I'm sorry that you may be ill and I hope you will be able to get some help to care for your mom.
Take the offer though. The visit is probably meant to be so you can take care of your own thing.
May you have good health :)
You have no responsibility to share your personal information or your mother's care details with relatives that only visit when passing through on their way to some other engagement. Be pleasant but refuse to share more details or go off topic... Q: You don't want us to visit at all? A: This is not a good time for a visit, maybe we can plan something for some other time. Don't allow yourself to get frustrated, be calm and reply to all challenges with the "this is not a good time for a visit" and let them be the ones to become frustrated.