Hi My name is Amanda,
I recently moved back in with my grandparents because I noticed that they were both becoming more tired and just run down from the people they were just a year before. My grandparents are the kindest amazing people and have always been there for me and have taken care of me since I was little. So now it's my turn to return the favor. I noticed that my grandmother often repeats herself, her sentences don't make since all the time. She will use random words in a sentence or often forget the word she meant. She sometimes forgets how to answer the phone or use the remote to the TV. She has always been an anxious woman and is sooooo concerned about us all but recently she has become more anxious. She often talks down on herself calling herself stupid and why did she do that etc. I am 27 and she freaks out when I do the dishes or help her in any way or when the newspaper doesn't come on time. I'm not sure if she has been diagnosed because she has so many doctors I can't keep track of who any of them are. My grandparents are very private people and don't share these serious things with me so how do I even start to address this with them? Do I ask my grandma about this? How do I ask my grandfather about this? How do I help without indicating that they need the help. My mother is in denial and won't talk about the reality of the situation so it's up to me to be here. I am just so upset at this realization that I don't know where to start or who I can turn to. Please any help anyone could give me would be sooooooo much help.
I think at this point the best you can do is deal with what you see. When she talks down on herself, reassure her. "Of course you are not stupid, Gram. You just made a little mistake. That means you are human!" Help her when she can't do something. "Oh, this darn remote! It just has too many buttons, doesn't it? Let's see, to change the channel I think we press this one. Do you know the number of the channel you want to watch?" Try to make life easier for her. Get a very simple remote. You can say you got sick of trying to remember all of those buttons so you got this. She can use it too, if she wants to.
Be patient with her language problems.
When she objects to you doing the dishes, say, "Oh, Gram, I'm glad you came in. Sit down and keep me company. I was just thinking about the time we had that picnic up on the hill. That was a good time, wasn't it? But I think Billy had a toothache ..." "Gram, how old are you? Well, don't you think it is time to retire just a little bit? Grandpa retired years ago! You can at least retire from doing the dishes every meal." "Of course you can do the dishes! You've been doing them since before I was born. But tonight is my turn. Should we put some music on?"
Can Grandpa keep an eye on things, do you think? Would he notice if she left a burner on or left the water running? Picking the wrong word is one thing, doing dangerous things is something else altogether. Watch for signs of poor judgment or forgetfulness that cause problems. One sign might be lots of spoiled food in the fridge, or worse yet, serving it!
You could start learning about dementia, what to expect, and how to deal with various common behaviors. Come here often ... there is lots of experience to answer questions!
You might benefit from reading the book, "Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the End" by Atul Gawande. It deals with maintaining quality of life as we age.
When my Mom started acting like your Gma (actually worse) I was told to have her checked for a urinary tract infection. I bought an Azo UTI test kit and had her pee on the strip. Very simple. It was positive. Once treated by her Dr the mind cleared up so much! Do this asap. Research this site for UTI effects in seniors. You'll be floored at what it does to them. Let us know how it goes.
However doing these may be part of her routine & with dementia some people hate a change of routine - maybe do the 'once in a while' chores like weeding, windows, wall washing etc that would not be part of her routine