How do I approach the subject of getting rid of mom's furniture?
My nearly 94 year old mother has lived with me for 12 years until she suffered a stroke in September and has had to reside in a Nursing home due to her being a risk at home alone all day while I work. I'd like to note that even though I have 3 siblings, I get absolutely no help. Never did. I'm also divorced so no hubby to lean on. My mother will never come back home and I think she knows this now, even though in the beginning she wailed about coming home. I had her doctor tell her this is not possible. I visit her VERY often, at least 5 times a week which includes a shopping outing on Saturday and spending the day at my home on Sunday. She walks, feeds herself and uses the bathroom but her speech and cognitive skills are very poor. My problem is this: I would really like to have my house back but she has several pieces of furniture that are keeping me from bringing my things up from the basement. I have no problem getting rid of these things but I worry about her coming over and seeing her furniture gone. I'm sure it would be upsetting. On the other hand, I really want to see my furniture back in place. Not to mention the basement is damp and musty. She has her reclining chair and a bureau at the home and that's about all she can fit. My question is this; how do I approach the subject in a gentle way? Do I ask permission to remove the items or just do it and say something kind like; "It's in storage"? I'm thinking of asking one brother to say he needs some starter furniture for his daughter. At least she would think it's still in the family....please note, none of this stuff has any monetary value. What do I do?
So, what about removing one item at a time, start with those things that might not be noticed. Instead of moving it to the basement, offer it to family or find one of those places that take donations (you or she gets a tax write-off, if you itemize) and they provide these items to those in need. We did this with mom's stuff (they even took mattresses! Place here in Boston area is Household Goods - items are made available to those in need vs goodwill types sell stuff.)
In mom's case (94, to be 95 in August, moved her to MC Jan 2017), she only harped about going back to the condo for about 9+ months - she never asked about the furniture (that is kind of a given, as it would be there.) After the 9 months, she started asking for a ride to her mother's or the key to the place they lived previously, both long gone! But again, it is different in your case. Since your mom shared your place, that is where she might remember her things when she visits. If you start with smaller, less noticeable items, say 1/month, it wouldn't be as obvious (unless she is like some others described, who would notice dust out of place!) If she does not notice, continue until it is gone! If she does notice... at least a few items would be gone. Make excuses, say it was put in storage or got damaged while someone was doing work or moving your items or some family member had a real need... The storage excuse might not work if she decides to ask for it back or to see it. Same problem with a family member, unless they are not local AND can back you up if she ever sees them! Slow and sure wins the race... :-)
It certainly is not easy. Your recap today (3/5) has clarified your situation. I agree with not moving things around now only to have to do it at some point possibly in the near future. As well as telling your mother that a relative has asked for the furniture, you can tell her that her generosity (through donation) has helped someone make a home in their time of need. Best of luck to you.
Anywho...Let me set the scenario of the situation. My mom and dad moved in with me in 2005. At the time I owned an oversized, Raised Ranch style home. They lived in the lower level and were able to fit much of their furniture, i.e. couch, chair, twin beds, dressers, kitchenette and small tables. After 5 months dad went into a NH. He passed in 2008. In 2015 I decided to downsize to a much smaller home in a gated community for residents over 55. Both mom and I had to part with lots of furniture and other possessions. This was a struggle as she hates to part with anything. In the new home I was able to provide her with her own bedroom, a den and bathroom. Who could ask for more? Yet, she liked to complain that she didn't have any room. The real problem was; she had too much stuff. The furniture that I wanted to keep but could not fit upstairs because she occupied 2 rooms, was put in the basement. These items consisted of; a night stand, 2 rocking chairs and a cedar chest. Also downstairs is my printer and my stereo system. Luckily I have a walk-in closet and was able to fit my makeup vanity in there. I'd like to add my basement is a bit damp. (I recently purchased a dehumidifier.) Since mom went into the NH, I have managed to get one brother to bring her recliner and a dresser to the home. Obviously this has freed up a little space for me. I was able to bring up one rocker and take my makeup vanity out of the closet. As of now the furniture left of my mom's is; her bed, chest of drawers, sewing machine, cedar chest, nightstand, couch , end table, TV and stand. Oh, and a quilt rack. The idea of swapping out won't really work for me. I'm not going to move her furniture downstairs. It would be a difficult task and then I would only have to move it again when she passes. I really don't want to be doing double work. I just want her to be OK with me getting rid of it and I don't see that happening as she tends to get very emotional. The best thing would be to tell her family members have asked for it. I don't want to be harsh or cruel, I do have a heart.
And if were me, I would (if I'm in my right mind) tell my daughter to go ahead and find anyone who could use it. If nothing else, I am a realist. I know I'll probably end up in a home someday.
Again, thank you all for your comments and kind words.
Anyway, mom agreed to sell the car on a payment plan to my best friend's grown son. He's a young man starting out, with a new family. His beater of a car broke down around the same time I started thinking about needing the parking, so the timing was good. Knowing her car was going to a friend's child who needed it made a huge difference in her thinking about it.
You have to learn to be creative with dementia patients so as not to stress them out unnecessarily, which only increases the potential need for medication to calm them down.
My suggestion would have been move the car, tell Mom it was stolen (or alternatively that someone hit it and it's in the shop for repairs), present mom the "title" document for mom's signature, which you say you need for the insurance company.
Then, the insurance company "totals" car, but in reality you sell the car and there will be money for the sale which mom can see if it needs to go that far.
In truth, if you take a while to play it out, she may forget - - but in the meanwhile, the caregiver has a secure and safe parking place, with easy access for moms wheelchair, and mom's car, which will never be used again, is gone.
(Hi Veronica - - I keep forgetting to email you - - I'm going to attempt to remember to do it next week...)
For the answer to the question. I agree with a lot of people who suggest moving your furniture up and putting hers in the basement. The only thing I would wonder about if her furniture has a lot of value. You could just tell her you wanted to see your things for a few months, or you wanted a change for spring and summer. If she wants to see something of hers you can either bring it up for a visit or pull it to the bottom of the stairs. It is your house. Storage facilities cost a lot of money where I live.
On another subject. I live in California USA and after your 70th birthday you have to take the written exam every 4 years when you renew your driver's license. This was put into effect after a guy in his late 80's plowed through a Farmer's Market and killed some people.
Like the switch out idea.
When it was time to empty out my parents house after my Mom passed and Dad volunteered to move to senior living, I asked Dad about the items in the house. He said to just bulldoze the house with the furniture in it :))
The Golden Rule; Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
I don't think it's ever 'okay' to lie. That makes you a liar. Avoiding a subject or redirecting the conversation is another thing.
As many have mentioned, these last few items are the last things they have. It's still their things. If possible, let them be!
Compared to the huge changes in their lives, isn't it a good thing for them to have comfort in that, after their whole lives have been stripped away?
Just my thoughts...
The furniture represents their last tie to some independence. And, of course, memories. Mom’s apartment at AL is small so we had to pare down. She wanted someone in the family to take what furniture she couldn’t, but for a variety of reasons that was not an option. A lot was given to friends and donated. To this day she still reminisces about her left behind furniture.
None of us expected to have to deal with this, so we learn as we go. I hate to use the word mistake because we all do the best we can at the time.
Good luck.
Perhaps move a few things at a time so she can still see you aren't "throwing her out" with the furniture.
Just slowly start putting your things into your home.
OMG! chdottir, that cartoon is priceless!