I know how the title may sound, but I am not fit to be my grandmother's caregiver, yet I am slowly being forced into this role. A bit of background: My fiance and I own our house, and my mother and grandmother used to live with us. At the beginning of the pandemic, my mother moved out to live with her boyfriend, but my grandmother stayed with me. She has been widowed for years, before I was born even, and her sisters live far away. She has started having a lot of health problems like kidney disease, constant cold feeling, stomach problems, memory loss, and confusion.
I am not a healthy individual at all. I have mobility issues due to a chronic illness, I have OCD and memory issues, and I have a chronic feeling of nausea that makes me unable to work. I also have difficult hormonal issues which lead to things like hot flashes, infertility, and so on. Because of these issues, I cannot drive or cook a lot, and I must be in a clean environment.
She has started to claim that the house is "her house" so she gets to do things like have the heat up, cook using our food and not clean after, and so on. She berates me a lot, saying things like why don't I have children yet, or why am I here and not my mother when I don't do anything. I suffer a lot because of this, and if I make any argument I am the bad person and need to apologize as if I also do not have a lot of difficult issues to deal with. I have tried to talk with my mother about finding her a care facility, but she refuses to intervene. I love my grandmother and I don't blame her for her health issues and how she acts now because of them, but I physically and mentally cannot be her caretaker and have no help in this. My fiance tries his best to help us both but I refuse to make him take care of someone else in addition to me, because at least he agreed to help me beforehand. Is there any advice for what to do before I am fully forced into this caretaker role doing things like helping her bathe or driving her to doctors when I am not allowed to drive and so on? Thank you
Grandma isn’t your responsibility. She isn’t pleasant and seems to be a thorn in your side.
Face it, she is interfering in your life. You don’t need or deserve this headache in your life.
Call your mom. Say something like, ‘Mom, I am done caring for grandma. Would you like her to live with you or tell her that she must move out of my house?’ Put the monkey on her back!
If your mom doesn’t step up, you will be forced to take further actions.
I don’t know if your grandma would be willing to move on her own but that is neither here nor there. You want her out so if she doesn’t cooperate, you will need to make it happen.
Find out what is required for forcing someone to move out.
If in the meantime Grandma lands in the hospital, refuse to take her back. Give them Moms phone number. If you end up in the hospital, tell them there is a vulnerable adult in your home who can't be left alone. Give the SW Moms number. If grandma becomes aggressive or hits you, call the police and tell them u fear for ur life and give them Moms phone number.
I would not allow Mom back into your house. She has shown her colors.
Like others have stated you do need to work within the bounds of the law in terms of prompting her to move out. If I were in your situation I'd try to enlist my mom to get BOTH of them to assign PoAs, for their own benefit. If your GM does this, the the PoA can work to get her assessed by a doctor to see if she has cognitive decline and if so, at what level (because you stated she has memory issues and mistakenly thinks she owns the house). This will inform decisions moving forward and possibly give legal authority for the PoA to get her resettled into a care community where she will be well tended. A financial PoA will be able to know her financial health, which will also play into where she can move.
I'm not saying you must be her PoA but it will become a real poopshow if she never assigns any PoA and you can't get her moved out before cognitive decline really begins to affect her. At that point someone will need to become her guardian through the courts, either a family member or the county. She won't be able to get care that is in her own best interest without someone having legal authority to act in her behalf. Just drawing the big picture for you so you can know what is coming down the pike -- to give you courage and wisdom to act sooner rather than later in this sticky situation. I wish you much success and better health for your own self.
You would have to evict her. That means going to court. All the papers you need to file can be obtained at the County Courthouse.
The first thing I would do today is send her a Certified letter asking her to vacate and give a date. A May 1, 2021 date would be good as it would show the court that you gave her time to locate another place. It would also show the court that she has been given notice. Chances are the court will give her another 30 days to vacate. On the date they give you you can ask if an officer would come to make sure she leaves.
You can not just toss her stuff out prior to going to court.
If at anytime she threatens you or your boyfriend you can call 911 and tell the dispatcher that you are being threatened and are afraid and ask for transport to the hospital. If it gets that far you can tell the Social Worker at the hospital that she can not be discharged to you as you can no longer care for her physically or mentally.
You can’t just tell your GM to leave (in most states) as she probably has tenants rights. I just checked your bio and see that you are in Texas. So I think you will need to give her at least a 30 days written notice to vacate. That might sound really cold to you but she is leaving you no choice. You can find the details on line for how to evict a tenant in the state of Texas.
Additionally you can seek advice from the Area Agency on Aging for your county. They can help you have her assessed for what level of care she needs based on her finances and her health issues. She may qualify for assistance through Medicaid that would make it tolerable for you to have her in your home. It’s a place to start.
I suspect you will have a hard time removing her from your home. As you have pointed out, you have issues and your mom has abandoned your GM to your care so it’s a good idea to find out what assistance is available for GM and for you. Good luck and let us know how it works out. We care.