My Mom's 100 days of "free" nursing home care are up on the 26th I think, How do I choose?

UGH! My mom is getting worse by the second. I don't know if it was the reintroduction of the Aricept or what but the staff called me because she was crying and when she got on the phone she asked for her mom. Who has been dead since 1985, we have not seen since 1978 ($$$) and my mom left home in 1957 and would visit yearly until I was born, I guess I was pricey.

Forgot to add, I got my mom a Medic-Alert Bracelet with the "wandering" add-on just in case.

@ba8alou RE: why I think this guy is a mental patient; I could go with the glib answer that it takes one to know one. I have Anxiety and Depression and possibly something called cyclothymia that is basically low, low, low grade bipolar. The jury is still out on that. There were a few that seemed off in a different way but they tended to be quiet those are the ones my mom said made her nervous. The ones she referred to as the R word in Spanish. It has since been confirmed by the new NH (which is owned by the same company as the other) that the other one does have psych patients vs just dementia patients on anti-psychotic meds. The listing on the Alzheimer's Association website also mentions they take schizophrenic and bipolar patients.

From my observation, the dementia patients that were far gone had a more vacant look in their eyes regardless of whether they were quiet or acted out. The ones who freaked out my mom had a different look. They DID keep this guy separate from the other patients. I never saw him in activities. He was always roaming the halls upstairs by the gates. My mistake was being polite. He said "hi" I said "hi" back and kept going. If you totally ignore then it's OK. Lesson learned, I will be rude to prevent me from having to defend myself.

I saw all sorts of strange behavior amongst the dementia patients: cursing, screaming, something which looked like a lady was in a permanent nightmare reliving an abusive husband.

There are some of the quiet ones in this NH too. My mom can get mean when she has what I call an episode. I feel like I am dealing with a bipolar person and well maybe I am who diagnosed people back in the 50s? There a guy who can get mean too and one lady who is quiet 90% of the time but when she gets agitated she starts screaming about wanting to go home and how she never gets to go out. That made me sad because I have never seen anyone visit her. Parking on Saturday is impossible. Drives me nuts but I like that they all have visitors.

@jeannegibbs she doesn't wander if she is told not to leave she won't although she does not want to be told what to do otherwise which is a problem. She was always very independent but now she can't do certain things and she hates when other people dress her.

Yes, my concern is that they aren't trained to deal with her. Compared to other dementia patients, she's not that bad yet When she is mean she will call people names and its usually based on not wanting to do something like being dressed by someone else. She thought I was the CNA and called me a "streetwalker" at the moment I can get her to focus on who I am and that stops. It freaks me out because its the first steps of not knowing me.

She also just restarted on Aricept like a week ago and based on patient reviews that can either be really good or really bad.

I don't have a doctor - I mean I do - but she doesn't not a real one that I trust. She had a great one but he moved too far west for her to get to alone and then he went concierge to avoid Obamacare. I can't afford him. I took her to this lady near our house but she seemed clueless. She took my mom's vitals but would ignore me when I said she was too anxious and calling me 20 times a day - there is an entire thread on that written by someone else that could have been written by me a year ago. I decided to test this doctor with my issues. I hated the BCP I was on - she had no clue and gave me an Rx for something similar to it that wasn't as low dose and insisted that GERD was causing my sinus issues. That was a new one. Prilosec did nothing for my sinuses.

I was in the process of doctor hunting when my mom became too much for me to handle. I have never met the facility doctor. I have never met the facility psych.

The reason I scheduled a meeting was the crying/depression and because I wonder whether or not they are trained to deal with her or not. Ironically, this lady I talked to on the phone "Social Services" said she was going to call me about next steps - yes her 100 days are almost up and they want me to sign over her SS check. I won't do that I will send them a check from my mom's account, it's been joint for years. I can bring it by in person but I will not sign it over. I also got an ATM Visa for that account, so if they take credit cards, I can do that too. She said the something or other team will be there.

At some point whenever I can get my financial house in order (The Recession), I am probably moving from LA to the Bay Area because my BFF who is like a sister is up there and I have to think about what happens when my mom is gone. I don't really want to be all alone in Los Angeles. I guess we'll see if I want to try the dating route but even my couple friends who I would have hung out with had I dated before, have slowly left the city again (The Recession).

My first question is, is your mother a wandering risk? Does she take off and wander around? Would she leave the grounds if she could get away? That is the primary reason for putting people in a memory care unit (aks dementia unit). Those units are locked, for the patients' protection. If your mother tends to wander, she will need a locked ward.

Not all kinds of dementia include wandering. Neither my mother nor my husband wandered. For persons with dementia who do not wander, there tend to be more options. Regular assisted living or regular nursing homes can be a suitable choice. Even group homes might work.

First try to figure out what her needs are. Ask for a care conference where she is. These are held on a regular basis, but see if you can have one held soon, to help you sort this out. The PT, OT, nutritionist, social worker, nurse, will be at the meeting to discuss your mother's needs and progress.

Then you can consider the places near you that can meet her needs. It should be close enough for you to visit often, and it must accept whatever form of aid, if any, she will be using (such as Medicaid).

Your mother has dementia. Her own behavior will be erratic sometimes. No matter what kind of facility she is in, there will be others with erratic behavior. You cannot isolate her from the "retards" because even facilities who do not/cannot handle severe mental disorders handle people with dementia (like your mother) and their behavior is unpredictable.

As for her current behavior of crying all the time, I think I would try to address that before moving her again. It may not have anything to do with her environment. How does the NH staff think this should be handled? Has her doctor been notified?

Now is your time to begin to make decisions on your own, not only for yourself, but for your mother. This is a huge step! I don't blame you for being nervous, but I'm sure you will do just fine.

She needs to be seen by the psychiatrist to find out why she's crying all the time. Don't try to figure out "why" with a dementia patient. Find out in the care meeting if they think she can be managed in their unit. Ultimately, her dementia will worsen and she may need memory care. Why do you think that the person who grabbed you was mentally ill and not a dementia patient. It is my belief that in memory units, the staff keeps all the patients quite safe. They cannot, however, always prevent unpleasant interactions between visitors and patients. The staff is not there to watch out for the visitor. Don't assume because this guy hurt you that he would be able to hurt your mom. That's been my experience in Alz units.